How often to talk to secondary?

coolkat8

New member
Greetings all! I'm new here and been poly for about two years. I've learned it takes a while to really learn the best way to balance having two relationships and you really need to be flexible. My question is I've started seeing someone about a month ago. We have a long history, we were together for a few months a couple years ago but it ended because he was not being honest with his wife about us. He now is separated and finally we can be together without any secrets. We are great when we are together, he makes me so happy. The problem is he is not good about keeping in touch in between our meet up times. This is very difficult for me to understand! I am someone who likes to text or email daily, just check in say "I'm thinking about you" or let them know how my day is. He does not do this. I'll text him and maybe get a text 6 hours later or even the next day. This week was particularly bad, he didn't respond to me for 3 days which kind of hurt my feelings. I just don't get it. He always has an excuse, "I'm busy" "I'm sick" but even when I'm both of those keeping in touch is a break for me and it honestly doesn't take that long to send a sentence in a text! Its frustrating to make plans, like we are supposed to get together tomorrow but he still hasn't responded about when we are meeting and where. I like to plan ahead and this is so hard for me to be patient! My question is how often does everyone keep in touch with their secondarys? (I know there is some discussion about using that term but I'm not sure what other term to use!) Am I asking to much to keep in touch daily or even every other day?? I sometimes feel like I have no right to make demands because I am married and he and I can never be more than what we are now. I also get a lot of anxiety when I don't hear from him for days and worry "what if he is losing interest" "what if he found someone else" and my imagination gets the best of me. I appreciate any thoughts!
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
If you do not like the way you are being treated then DO NOT allow it to continue. Period.

Why be in a relationship that causes you stress and heartache? If he can not give you what you need in return then it is time to move on.

I personally like to hear from my boyfriend at least once a day. I do not need his constant undivided attention but I like to know how his day went.
 

KyleKat

New member
Greetings all! I'm new here and been poly for about two years. I've learned it takes a while to really learn the best way to balance having two relationships and you really need to be flexible. My question is I've started seeing someone about a month ago. We have a long history, we were together for a few months a couple years ago but it ended because he was not being honest with his wife about us. He now is separated and finally we can be together without any secrets. We are great when we are together, he makes me so happy. The problem is he is not good about keeping in touch in between our meet up times. This is very difficult for me to understand! I am someone who likes to text or email daily, just check in say "I'm thinking about you" or let them know how my day is. He does not do this. I'll text him and maybe get a text 6 hours later or even the next day. This week was particularly bad, he didn't respond to me for 3 days which kind of hurt my feelings. I just don't get it. He always has an excuse, "I'm busy" "I'm sick" but even when I'm both of those keeping in touch is a break for me and it honestly doesn't take that long to send a sentence in a text! Its frustrating to make plans, like we are supposed to get together tomorrow but he still hasn't responded about when we are meeting and where. I like to plan ahead and this is so hard for me to be patient! My question is how often does everyone keep in touch with their secondarys? (I know there is some discussion about using that term but I'm not sure what other term to use!) Am I asking to much to keep in touch daily or even every other day?? I sometimes feel like I have no right to make demands because I am married and he and I can never be more than what we are now. I also get a lot of anxiety when I don't hear from him for days and worry "what if he is losing interest" "what if he found someone else" and my imagination gets the best of me. I appreciate any thoughts!

Have you tried telling him how you feel? Something like, "I want to keep in touch more frequently without sounding needy or clingy. What works best for you?"
 

AnnabelMore

New member
There is a different balance that's right for every relationship, whether it's primary or secondary. I agree with the other posters, if this balance is not working for you, you should speak up. His excuses seem pretty lame and his behavior seems perry thoughtless. On the other hand, he's far from the only guy to act this way. If he won't reform, the only other option is for you to try to give yourself a little distance, invest less, find other things/people to focus on, etc.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Ultimately, the ideaology and point behind poly (as I understand it) is honestly and upfront relationships (with however many).
The honesty and upfront part comes in to play regarding your question;
it's about stating what we want/need/expect from a relationship (both parties) and then deciding if those wants/needs/expectations are compatible.
Instead of just saying "i like you so lets go" without communicating wants/needs/expectations; like monogamy.


Therefore, you two need to do that-and clearly, this is a topic that hasn't been negotiated to both peoples satisfaction and needs addressed asap.

Personally, my answer would be daily. But, my husband, is more of a weekly kind of person (unless he's caught up in NRE, then its hourly).
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
"I want to keep in touch more frequently without sounding needy or clingy. What works best for you?"

This. In my world?

You'd have the RESPONSIBILITY to know and articulate your wants, needs, and limits. He'd have the right to clear communication.

So you'd speak up to HIM. Not to us.

You'd have the right to nurture and support.

You'd have the right to feedback though -- so if he says you feel too clingly, needy with the volume you want, you have to be willing to take it to the negotiation table to find the happy medium compromise even if it is hard to hear that feedback.



And this work... would break out thus.... in my world.

I sometimes feel like I have no right to make demands because I am married and he and I can never be more than what we are now.


Fine. We acknowledge you cannot marry him legally.

Call him (O)ther (S)ignificant (O)ther then. OSO.

But for your "me+ OSO" relationship tier in your polyship's polymath breakout what ARE the rights he will/has granted you if you play ball with him? The responsibilites you expect to undertake? And vice versa? So you function in right relationship to each other?

Has this framework conversation happened yet? Why not? I keep mine short and sweet. Can't hack that mission? Don't play with me, don't choose to accept it. We can be friends.

Why don't you feel you have the right to needs in that tier?

You can't ask your daughter to pick up the towels from the floor because you ask your son to do the dishes? That's silly.

So is this. You can't ask for respect and good treatment from your OSO because you have DH? Equally silly.

Speak up. TO HIM. And formulate your game book. I keep mine short and crystal clear. My conflict resolution framework is another page.

Areas of discernment, I expect to discern with the concerned parties at the Negotiation Table.

I also get a lot of anxiety when I don't hear from him for days and worry "what if he is losing interest" "what if he found someone else" and my imagination gets the best of me. I appreciate any thoughts!

Stop what iffing yourself into a tizzy and demystify the fear.

Go there within yourself and Name the un-NAME-able. Own it. Take the bull by the horns and do the first stage internal processing. Fill in the blanks.

"If you are losing interest, I want to hear the heads up by....I promise to react in this fashion..... so please just tell me in that way. So I can deal better."

"Hey, if we have to break up, here's my wants, needs and limits:______ I'd like to part as ____. I want to keep it real, and while I do not WANT to break up, if it MUST happen, I want to walk away with minimal dings and still be ___(friend?)___ in time."


Then when you square those up (one sheet of paper bullet list max forces you to think) present to partner OSO.

Have him sign off.

There. Now you can relax it down to the comfortable uncomfortable volume and just live with it. Butterflies in stomach CAN be pinned down so they stop fluttering so bad. In NAMING it. Then OWNING it.

Rather than amping it up to impossible volume you cannot stand just because you are what iffing it up into internal maelstrom winds making butterflies even crazier in there.

Everyone own your own bag! ;)

HTH!
GG
 

nycindie

Active member
Hmmm. Here's another perspective . . .

I have never understood the need for daily contact that some people feel is necessary for relationships. Perhaps your bf is like me and it just isn't natural to him to be in touch every single day. That would be a total drag to me, as I don't like obligations placed on me just to reassure someone. I'm not the type of person who needs contact every day with people I'm involved with. Even in my marriage, my husband and I only called each other at work if it was necessary for planning something or dealing with something specific, whereas both of us knew married people who called each other every day or even several times a day just to say hello and whatnot -- I would scratch my head and wonder, "Didn't they see each other this morning? Aren't they going to see each other at home later?" Why such a need to check in? I just plain don't get it. I hear my next-door neighbor on the phone with her mother several times a day and I cannot understand why, since my mother and I only spoke once every week or two.

In romantic relationships, I do not assume that someone I care about, whom I know cares about me, isn't thinking of me simply because I haven't heard from him. People do have busy lives and shit to deal with. There are folks I think of many times a day, yet I am not in touch with them for weeks at a time, and then we just pick up where we left off. People who know me know that's just the way I am and don't get bent out of shape about it. Keep in mind that when you feel hurt over his lack of contact, it is you who are feeling hurt (a case where we produce feelings with our own thoughts), but he is not hurting you. This sounds to me like your expectations preying on you.

I don't currently have primary/secondary designations in my relationships, but even if a guy was my main squeeze (primary), I would not expect nor want daily contact. It just seems somehow like something excessive, oppressive, claustrophobic, and definitely overkill to me. That is not a criticism of anyone who wants daily contact, it is just how I feel if I were asked and expected to constantly be in touch. I like my alone time and have lots of introvert tendencies, though I am not sure I am totally an introvert. But for someone like me, to call someone every day just to say something like, "Hi, how are you today? Good? Yeah, me too... um... so, okay, talk to you tomorrow, have a good day," seems superfluous and dull to me. I'd rather wait til I have something substantial to share, or plans to solidify, so that the conversation is worth my time and energy.

Please note, all that I've said above pertains to regular communication. This doesn't mean I accept anyone's lack of following through on their word. The thing is, we lay our expectations and preferences out up front, so we know where we stand. Whenever I date someone new and we exchange contact info, I tell them, "Don't think that you have to answer my texts right away. I know that sometimes it's just not convenient to do that, so get back to me when you can." If it does take a few days and I need to get in touch, I text again or call, but it isn't worth it to me to get upset unless I found out that there was something I should've been made aware of.

Since you are obviously someone who really needs that day-to-day contact to feel secure in a relationship, and your bf may be more like me and does not need daily contact, this could just be a clash of communication styles or love languages. It may simply never have occurred to him that you would feel frustrated, abandoned, or forgotten over something like that. And he probably would never think it's a problem for you unless you tell him.

And although it is important to let him know this is a need of yours, I also believe you would also benefit from thinking of any compromises you can also accept, because he may not enjoy or be able to keep up with day-to-day reporting in. But I would also recommend you look at those insecurities that come up for you and try to unravel them, so that you and your sense of value in his life aren't at the mercy of circumstances beyond your control.

Hopefully, my perspective and how it works for me will give you some insight.
 
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LovingRadiance

Active member
Nyc-
that sounds like Maca (outside of NRE). Just not a "everyday" communicator. If we didn't live together, (which has been the case several times) I would hear from him every evening SO HE COULD TELL THE KIDS GOODNIGHT-but he wouldn't talk with me every time.
We were still very much in love with one another and very much a couple. But, he can go a week before he needs that contact.
 

Naomi

New member
Hey coolkat!

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had a secondary (for lack of a better term) for awhile and I had this problem. It wasn't that I wanted to hear from him everyday, but at least a few times a week!

Personally, I am the kind of person that appreciates daily or at least every other day type of contact. Especially because (like you said) it only takes a moment to send a text.

Every person is different! Obviously nycindie isn't like this... so much so she doesn't even get the people that do keep in daily contact! My fiance and I have been together over four years and we text pretty much all day when we aren't together. I've never found it obsessive, claustrophobic, excessive, or overkill. I've also never felt like any of our conversations were superfluous. We don't talk to each other if we don't have anything to say and we don't talk to each other (nor take it personally) if we are busy!

Granted, all this texting will probably cease once he's back in school, right now he's just got a really boring job and I work from home so when I'm not working I text him and I take breaks at the same time as him so we can be in contact.

In any event, I agree with what most everyone else has said. You gotta talk to him. Either make a compromise or move on. But if it's something you really need/want, don't settle for less. You just gotta decide for yourself what feels right/makes you happy.

I really don't think it's true that just because you want daily contact means you are insecure. It might just be how you work! However, some of your thoughts did seem really insecure... wondering if he's found someone else, etc. So perhaps you do need to do some work yourself!

Anyway, I feel ya and I think it's best you talk to him and either get what you want, make a compromise you are both happy with, or move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea and as far as I'm concerned poly isn't about filling certain positions in your life... it's about letting relationships blossom into whatever the two of you want! This relationship might not work as him being your boyfriend... Maybe something with less pressure?
 

coolkat8

New member
thanks!

Thanks all for your responses! I really appreciate everyone's input. It has come down to an argument between us today about this issue so now I have to really clarify with him. He did indicate in his email that he is not someone who wants to keep in touch daily, he is still getting over his past relationship which ended 6 months ago. We just have to set those boundaries. I guess that I was afraid to talk to him about it, I'm not really sure why. But now we have to clarify the relationship and where we are. We'll see if we can work out a compromise or not. As far as the insecurities?? Yes, there is a reason for them. We have a history. In the past, he wasn't totally honest with me when we started years ago, indicating his wife was ok with us being together but later found out she wasn't. IT ended badly. We got back together last fall briefly, he was still living with his wife even though they were separated. They fought all the time, he thought he could handle seeing me but with the stress of the marriage ending he decided he couldn't and sent me a "text' saying he couldn't see me anymore. Yeah, lots of history of hurts. so that's why I freak out a little about some of this. I love him dearly and we have this amazing connection, I don't want to end it right now. I do like the idea of clarifying with him about telling me if he's going to end it and stopping my anxiety. It is ridiculous I know. I am very upset tonite and just feel like we need to talk on the phone about this but he won't answer my calls, so I guess an email will have to do.
 

newtoday

Member
I'm sorry that you are so frustrated.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just let things go until calmer, clearer heads prevail.

Quite often, the best response is no response.

I have been battling this with my bf for 2 years. :D I've come to accept that it's not personal, he's still thinking of me when he doesn't message. He's introverted, doesn't have alot to say and doesn't like talking for the sake of talking but he tries to reach out, because it's important to me.

And, if anything, absence makes his heart grow fonder. It really does. The longer we go without communication or dates, the more excited we are to see each other.

Have faith. And try to relax.

Good luck!
NT
 

sparklepop

New member
I can absolutely understand why you feel anxious, stressed and upset.

Am I getting this right - you dated him briefly a while ago, but there was some lying in relation to his wife... now you've been dating him again for about a month?

Despite the history, this is still a very young relationship then? Has he said that he loves you? Does he profess to feel the same connection that you feel?

It sounds very much like you don't want to rock the boat and I'm just getting this sense that you are very much attached to him and scared that he doesn't feel the same way. There's a slight feeling that perhaps he calls the shots and you're feeling a little bit sprung?? ;)

As other people have said - how much you contact each other really depends on the individual relationship.

Me personally?

If I am deeply in love with someone, I like to speak to them every day. My GF and I live (very) long distance and spend 4-8 hours a day talking on skype. With exes, I'd call at lunch time, or at least send a text or two, then call before bed.

As for those I'm not in love with, like my FWB/'secondary', who lives only an hour away... I struggle to talk on a daily basis.

My last secondary wanted to talk every day. She'd text every morning, every night and talk on skype in between. If I didn't reply for half a day, she'd text me again. I communicated again and again that this is not what I wanted... but essentially, she needed more than I could give.

When my current secondary started texting me every morning and doing a similar thing, I sat her down and reminded her that I am not that way. I told her that I genuinely care for her... but I'm not in love with her, not wanting to be in love, not wanting to talk every day... I don't even have the time. She understood this and was glad that I'd pointed it out... because now, she didn't have to worry if I disappeared for a day.

The harsh truth is... I don't want to make the time.

I am very much inside my own head and I am content to not speak to anyone, besides my girlfriend, for a good few days. I'm also very forgetful and I'll often get a text, read it and forget to reply.

My priorities of time are: my GF, my business, myself, then friends and secondaries.

The more someone texts me, the more claustrophobic I feel. I can be crazy about someone... and then if I feel pushed... my walls go up and I want to run away.

Now.. I'm not saying that secondaries should come at the bottom of the list by default. I'm saying that this is what works for me. I still think of my secondaries as being just as important in terms of being a human being. I owe the same communication and respect to them as I do my primary partner. But my desires and expectations are less for my secondaries. I think you need to find out what the expectations are between you and your guy.

Don't be afraid of being honest about your feelings. It's not only your right to be nurtured; but it's your responsibility to get your expectations and needs out there.

If he's reassuring about his emotions and it truly is a communication thing, you'll have to ride it out and see if you are getting what you want from him. Try backing off a bit with the communication and see if this creates a better balance. If he's cagey and not reassuring about his feelings, don't ignore it. You might not like the truth, but the truth is always better than kidding yourself...

Let us know how you get on.
 

WhatHappened

Active member
We have a long history, we were together for a few months a couple years ago but it ended because he was not being honest with his wife about us. He now is separated and finally we can be together without any secrets. We are great when we are together, he makes me so happy. The problem is he is not good about keeping in touch in between our meet up times.

In the past, he wasn't totally honest with me when we started years ago, indicating his wife was ok with us being together but later found out she wasn't. IT ended badly. We got back together last fall briefly, he was still living with his wife even though they were separated. They fought all the time, he thought he could handle seeing me but with the stress of the marriage ending he decided he couldn't and sent me a "text' saying he couldn't see me anymore.

... like we are supposed to get together tomorrow but he still hasn't responded about when we are meeting and where. I like to plan ahead and this is so hard for me to be patient!

He's lied to you a few times. He's lied to his wife. He's dumped you by text. He doesn't let you know if he'll be there until the last minute. What is it about him that's so great that makes you so happy when he keeps treating you like this?

My question is how often does everyone keep in touch with their secondarys?
It's interesting reading everyone's response and their reasons for how little or how much they keep in touch. I myself am the 'secondary.' My BF would like me to call him every day--he doesn't like calling me because he never knows when I'll be with kids, students, or walking into church or some other place I can't talk.

I have to admit, I would like to talk every day. I'd even like to call a couple of times a day, and I think he would like that, too. I don't because, as the 'secondary,' and being otherwise single while he's otherwise with his wife, I feel a need--a very strong need--to keep some sort of independence, to keep (let's be honest) some walls up, not to wrap my life around someone who can never be that everything to me, around someone who's out partying with his wife while I'm dealing with a very heavy load of responsibility single-handedly.

It may sound cruel, and I don't mean it cruelly, it's more a form of self-protection--but I also don't call more often, even knowing he'd welcome it, because I feel like it keeps some balance in the relationship.

I sometimes feel like I have no right to make demands because I am married and he and I can never be more than what we are now. I also get a lot of anxiety when I don't hear from him for days and worry "what if he is losing interest" "what if he found someone else" and my imagination gets the best of me. I appreciate any thoughts!

This is the beauty of forums--to be able to hear each others' stories. See, I feel I have no right to anything because I'm 'just' this toy outside the real relationship, a diversion, someone that will come and go in his life. I know others who are in my BF's position of being the married partner say they do not feel this way at all about their single secondary relationships. But it's hard not to feel that way when you know darn well who he's made the commitment to, who has to come first, who he's going home to every night, who could pull the plug on this if she really wanted to (although their veto is not on individual relationships but on the lifestyle itself if either of them wants to quit.)

There's this disturbing feeling at the back of my mind that if I do anything to piss her off, I get the axe (more of a situational thing than about her in particular). It feels like a two against one thing, and even more unbalanced, in that he doesn't really have to worry too much about treating me well because he has her there every night anyway whereas I have to worry about pleasing two people. (These are only my feelings about this situation in general terms, btw, absolutely not how he or she has ever acted, and not a mode into which I'll allow myself to slip.)

And yet...reading your fears, I understand BF even more deeply. He keeps talking about his fear of losing me. And obviously he has reason to fear--he knows that this arrangement is hardly likely to be suitable to a single mother forever. We had a recent incident where I sent him a letter full of good things--but his fear is so deep that he interpreted everything completely differently from how I meant it and actually thought I was breaking up with him. I believe it was a direct result of his fear, and your words have helped me see it really is that bad for him.

I do like the idea of clarifying with him about telling me if he's going to end it and stopping my anxiety.
This is my bf's fear, too, that I'll end it abruptly, and I guess I don't really know what it is he's asking of me/ that you're asking of your bf. To give you advance warning? I don't at all mean to sound facetious, but relationships end often enough and neither you nor he can read the future.
 

dragonflysky

New member
For me daily contact isn't about insecurity. It's about the fact that when something/someone brings me pleasure...why wouldn't I want a regular dose of it/him in my life?? For me a large part of the joy in being in a relationship is having someone to share my life with...to talk with on a regular basis...share time with... :)
 

CielDuMatin

New member
Different people have different needs and things they are willing to do. One person's "wanting to stay in touch" is another person's "clingy".

It sounds like you have a realistic picture of this person - the sorts of things he does and is willing to do. You can and should certainly make your desires and wishes known, but if it's not something that he really wants to do, I feel that it's unrealistic for you to expect him to change.

Once you know that, it's then your turn to decide whether you still want a relationship with this person and, if so, what that relationship should be. Most folks that use the primary/secondary terms to describe a relationship, also add a "tertiary" - someone that you have only occasional contact with and who isn't much involved in day-to-day life. It might well be that the two of you are best-suited to have a tertiary relationship. The benefit of that for you is that the degree of trust necessary to keep the relationship in place is lower that for a secondary or a primary. The question is: do you trust him enough for even that? What is he doing to regain the trust that you have so obviously lost given previous actions on his part?
 

coolkat8

New member
Working thru it!

I am really happy to hear so many responses, it means a lot and gives me a lot to think about. I was so upset Friday I could barely function (other things are stressing me out too and I was just overwhelmed). We finally talked Friday night for over an hour and got things on the table. SparklePop- I appreciate your insight on someone who doesn't want to talk to their secondary everyday. I have more understanding now. It has been hard to wrap my head around why you wouldn't want to stay in contact but I might understand it more now. He apparently did send a text earlier in the week about plans for Friday but I had cleaned out my phone and must've accidently deleted his unread text (my fault, oops! he resent me the text he sent). He admitted that he needs to be alone and is still getting over his marriage ending (which was really bad but lasted for 17 years, yikes). We are ok now but he is bothered by the fact that when he is ready for a long term girlfriend that he won't be able to find someone who can accept that he loves me and we are in a relationship. So that is a difficult question but this person doesn't exist yet so we decided to stay together for now and see what happens. Someone asked if I was unsure he loved me, I'm sure he loves me but his love style may be different from mine I think. I told him I would limit my texting and would remind myself it may take him a day or two to respond. (this is VERY difficult for me but I need to adjust because he won't change with this). I also told him I need to know about plans ahead of time, at least the day before because I can't stand being in limbo, he agreed. He said he'd always call if he had to cancel. So the difficult part is I feel like I am waiting around so much to hear back from him when I do text, like he said he'd let me know if he could come see me yesterday because he had been sick. Well I heard nothing from him by the afternoon and my husband was getting pissed because he wanted to make plans, it wasn't fair to make him wait around either. Finally I just texted him and said "guess you are still sick, we are making other plans". I was sad I couldn't see him but I went to a meetup group and actually had a great time. Even got some flirt time in with another guy which made me feel good and was very fun! I do realize I could find someone else and right now I'm on the fence about what to do. I tend to agree with Dragonflysky "For me daily contact isn't about insecurity. It's about the fact that when something/someone brings me pleasure...why wouldn't I want a regular dose of it/him in my life?? For me a large part of the joy in being in a relationship is having someone to share my life with...to talk with on a regular basis...share time with... "
If I want to stay with him I will have to think of him more as a tertiary person since he doesn't want as much involvement. Still trying to get used to this and process this.
 

AutumnalTone

New member
If you do not like the way you are being treated then DO NOT allow it to continue. Period.

Why be in a relationship that causes you stress and heartache? If he can not give you what you need in return then it is time to move on.

This bears repeating.

I text both of my partners and my bestie daily. If I don't hear from one of them for a day, it's no big deal. Even if they're traveling or ill or really busy, they do make an effort to check in and say so, so it's rare to go a day without hearing something. My wife and amorata each do this without prompting; it's a negotiated thing with my bestie.

If they weren't willing to communicate enough for me to be satisfied, I doubt I'd still be involved with them. This is one of those things that is very important in serious relationships, for me.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If I want to stay with him I will have to think of him more as a tertiary person since he doesn't want as much involvement. Still trying to get used to this and process this.

Bingo. There ya go. You hit it on the head. I don't use those words -- primary, secondary, tertiary. But since you do... maybe you could sit with him and decide that yes. This is a tertiary thing now in this time and in this place. And probably for the next (what 6 mos?) timeframe. Fly it like that and draw up your formal rights/responsibilites for the thing that now is.

For the next 6 mos, this is a tertiary relationship. In this tertiary relationship we agree to be together like THIS -- my wants, needs, limits. Your wants, needs, limits. We expect these things ______. This contract will be revisited and reviewed on ____ date____.
There.

Whether or not you can hack this -- that's something else. YOU have to decide if you are in this or not, and HOW you are willing to be in this.

I thought I heard this limit expressed in your post. Was it expressed this clearly?

"I need to hear about any change in plans at least 24 hrs (a day?) in advance. And if not hearing within 24 of the appt, I move on without your input.​


I think that is a reasonable limit to have. Because other people's lives are knit in here. Can't be dicking me around when all it takes is a phone call to SAY. Sheesh. In my universe, dumb things like that could be time to break out the 3 strikes you are out if this is a CHRONIC lack of consideration.

As you saw your own DH's cranky at HIS life being put on hold for your BF being all shilly shally (if he is dragging on calling with schedule stuff) or YOU being all shilly shally (not liking the call and hoping he'd change his mind and not wanting to move it forward) -- there are other people around with wants, needs, and limits. More when BF gets a new GF.

So own your own baggage! Wherever there is baggage to be owned.

It just sounded like perhaps you hadn't stated that limit super crystal clear to him or yourself and you were struggling to do so?

Get your limits clear. What other limits need to be brought into SHARP focus?

HTH!
GG
 
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