How to address lack of affection and intimacy?

[LavenderLilacMauve]

My partner (M, 45, poly) and I (NB, 48, mono) have been together for around three years now in a LDR. In the beginning, naturally it was all very affectionate and fiery. As time has gone on that has diminished, which I would expect. We've always had peaks and troughs in that area, but in the past there have always been more peaks than troughs.

For the last 8-10 months we've been in a trough. I went for a visit with him back in May and spent two weeks there. At that point he was in the throes of NRE with someone else and spent a large amount of time messaging with her. Sending her pictures of everything we were doing together. He wasn't as physically affectionate in general, and due to a health issue our more intimate moments were much fewer than on other visits.

I was upset that our time together was no longer sacred. I've always known that I share him with others, but before that visit I never actually had to witness it. It felt to me that our lack of affection and intimacy was because he felt guilty about kissing me while he was messaging with her.

Flash forward to now. That relationship fizzled out. After it did, we had a peak in affectionate interaction. He started a new job and was working fewer hours, so we were spending more time together. Over the past month though, he's working more again and stressed, so affection has all but disappeared and there has been no intimacy at all in months.

He mentioned a girl that we both know. She had toyed with him in the past, saying she wanted to be with him, but only if he would leave his other partners, to which he said no. Recently she popped up in his DMs saying that she thinks she can give it a go now. He told her no, that he knew it wouldn't work. But then he told me that he would be ok with a fling with her, but knew she wouldn't want that.

What upset me about that is the intimation that he would be interested in sex with her, while he can't bring himself to be intimate with me. I don't know how best to bring this up without sounding petty and jealous, but it's eating me up. I know he loves me. I just don't know if he still wants me.

 

[Evie]

It sounds like your NRE phase has definitely passed, which is, as you know, to be expected. But the distance hasn't helped you build a really solid established relationship energy in the physicality, and perhaps even without the distance, once his NRE wears off, he'd be significantly less sexual anyway. So right now, you're perhaps in that rather odd space between lover and friend. Your gut is telling you it's become more of a friendship, a deep one sure, but not with the sustainable romance (i.e. affection and sex) that you would really hope for. This is a bit of an awkward position since you're mono...if you're committed to him and only him, do you want to condemn yourself to a nigh on sexless life for the next umpteen years? Is now actually the right time to admit that your romantic relationship is over and transition to caring exes? That would free you to find someone who does want you, sexually, and is more compatible with you long term. I know it's a heartbreaking decision to make, I made a similar one in my early 30s, and should have made it much, much earlier.

 

[GalaGirl]

For the last 8-10 months we've been in a trough.

That's a long patch.

I went for a visit with him back in May and spent two weeks there. At that point he was in the throes of NRE with someone else and spent a large amount of time messaging with her. Sending her pictures of everything we were doing together. He wasn't as physically affectionate in general and due to a health issue our more intimate moments were much fewer than on other visits. I was upset that our time together was no longer sacred. I've always known that I share him with others, but before that visit I never actually had to witness it. It felt to me that our lack of affection and intimacy was because he felt guilty about kissing me while he was messaging with her.

I can understand needing some down time every day on a trip to rest, check in with other partners, etc. But this sounds ANNOYING, like he is NOT PRESENT during date time with you. He does not leave checking in with other people until resting time in the evening or whatever. Instead, he's got his head in his device during date time with you.

Flash forward to now. That relationship has fizzled out and after it did we had a peak in affectionate interaction. He started a new job and was working fewer hours so we were spending more time together. Over the past month though he's working more again and stressed so affection has all but disappeared and there has been no intimacy at all in months.

I'm not being mean, ok? But what is he treating you like? What are you to him, his entertainment back-up plan when nothing else is going on?

He mentioned a girl that we both know. She had toyed with him in the past. Saying she wanted to be with him but only if he would leave his other partners. To which he said no. Recently she popped up in his DM's saying that she thinks she can give it a go now. He told her no, that he knew it wouldn't work. But then he told me that he would be ok with a fling with her but knew she wouldn't want that.

Why's he even telling you all this stuff? You serve as his audience because he feels like hearing himself talk?

He just doesn't sound like he's being nice or respectful of you.

What upset me about that is the intimation that he would be interested in sex with her while he can't bring himself to be intimate with me. I don't know how best to bring this up without sounding petty and jealous, but it's eating me up.
I know he loves me. I just don't know if he still wants me.

He loves you, or he loves the services you provide-- being the back-up plan if nothing else is going on, being his captive audience, etc.?

It kinda sounds like you are more into him than he is into you. It doesn't sound like he treats you well. Not really.

I don't know how best to bring this up without sounding petty and jealous, but it's eating me up.

You ask for changes in behavior.

• "Would you please be willing to put phones away when we are on a date together?"
• "Would you please be willing to stop oversharing? This is TMI. I only need to know the calendar for our dates and that safer sex practices are being used. I don't need to hear about your other interests or partners."
• "Would you be willing to share a hug, kisses, sex? I'd like to feel close to you." (Ask for the physical affection you want -- whatever kind it is.)

None of that is behaving in a petty, jealous or mean way. It's just asking for behavior you would like. And if he says no, and/or no changes in behavior happen-- this is all you get, and what you get is "meh," you drop him.

Or you decide you've given him enough chances and you aren't doing more. So you just drop him and don't bother asking for changes in behavior.

It's up to you how you want to deal with this.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello LavenderLilacMauve,

He's definitely been neglecting his relationship with you. I think you could say, "I have been feeling the lack of affection lately, and it hurts to go without. I know you love me. Do you still want me?" If he's going to interpret that as petty and jealous, that's on him. You would not be pointing fingers at him, you would just be stating your needs and feelings. I do think he's in the wrong here.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[LavenderLilacMauve]

Thank you all for your input. I will have a conversation with him this weekend. We have made plans to spend some quality time together.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not sure if all the relationships he's carrying on, or has carried on, are long distance-- the one he was texting incessantly on your date time; the one who popped up saying maybe she'd like to try dating him, a poly guy, after all; and you yourself.

Is anyone local, or is he on the phone a lot trying to set up actual in-person dates so he can actually get laid?

Next question: are you poly or mono? If you're poly, is he your only partner? Why?

Mono or poly, would you prefer a local partner whom you can see and touch on a regular basis, and much more easily, and at less expense?

In my experience, LDRs are super hard to manage, or feel satisfied in. I tried it some early on when I began practicing poly, but soon decided I didn't want to date anyone who was more than half an hour's drive away. My first gf (the one I am still with) was 45 minutes away from me, but we were both really committed and in love, so we made it work. But I got tired of trying to date anyone else who was that far away. All the transportation issues, and the long frustrating waits between meetups, ugh. It just made everything so complicated and artificial.

I ended up finding people to date who were 10-30 minutes' drive from me. I found that the closer they lived, the more frequent our dates would be.

Maybe your guy is just fed up with being so far apart. Maybe that's a contributing factor to his diminishing interest in being together. Or maybe he just lost interest after his NRE wore off, which sucks, and you have my sympathies.

 

[LavenderLilacMauve]

I'm not sure if all the relationships he's carrying on, or has carried on, are long distance-- the one he was texting incessantly on your date time; the one who popped up saying maybe she'd like to try dating him, a poly guy, after all; and you yourself.

Is anyone local, or is he on the phone a lot trying to set up actual in-person dates so he can actually get laid?

Next question: are you poly or mono? If you're poly, is he your only partner? Why?

Mono or poly, would you prefer a local partner whom you can see and touch on a regular basis, and much more easily, and at less expense?

In my experience, LDRs are super hard to manage, or feel satisfied in. I tried it some early on when I began practicing poly, but soon decided I didn't want to date anyone who was more than half an hour's drive away. My first gf (the one I am still with) was 45 minutes away from me, but we were both really committed and in love, so we made it work. But I got tired of trying to date anyone else who was that far away. All the transportation issues, and the long frustrating waits between meetups, ugh. It just made everything so complicated and artificial.

I ended up finding people to date who were 10-30 minutes' drive from me. I found that the closer they lived, the more frequent our dates would be.

Maybe your guy is just fed up with being so far apart. Maybe that's a contributing factor to his diminishing interest in being together. Or maybe he just lost interest after his NRE wore off, which sucks, and you have my sympathies.

The girl he was texting while we were on a date was long distance. But they aren't together anymore. The one who wanted to try being with him is local. She has since found someone else. She doesn't rest on her laurels.
In the time that he and I have been together, he hasn't actually be on any dates. Any relationships he has had or currently has have been long distance.

I'm mono. He has said that if poly was something I wanted to explore that I would have his support, but it's not something I think I could deal with.
Our relationship has had bumps along the way but I've always known that he loves and cares for me. I think that my original post didn't represent our relationship as a whole. It was a snapshot of a small moment in time that made us both look kinda bad.

At the moment we're in the process of moving me over there to live with him. It's been in process for a while. He's been asking me to do this for a long time and I've resisted because it's such a big move. I know he's fed up with missing me all the time, and I am with missing him too. We video call every day for at least a few hours, and all day on Saturday. He does devote a lot of time to me and I suppose I've been feeling a bit neglected since he's been so busy lately.

We've been together 3 years so I'm sure the NRE wore off a long time ago. We're going to have a check in this weekend and I'll address the things I've been worried about.

 

[GalaGirl]

At the moment we're in the process of moving me over there to live with him. It's been in process for a while. He's been asking me to do this for a long time and I've resisted because it's such a big move.

If you are leaving your friends, family, community, etc it is a lot. And if the relationship is a bit wonky... maybe living together is too soon?

Is there a way to move closer, but not yet living with him? Like you have your own flats in the same apartment complex? Or similar?

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

The girl he was texting while we were on a date was long distance. But they aren't together anymore. The one who wanted to try being with him is local. She has since found someone else.

Thanks for more info. I find it easier to understand a bit more about the situation before trying to discuss coping strategies.

In the time that he and I have been together, he hasn't actually been on any dates. Any relationships he has had or currently has have been long distance.

Why do you both seem set on LDRs only? Had you (plural) never had luck with dating local people? It sounds like this one has become stale...

I'm mono. He has said that if poly was something I wanted to explore that I would have his support, but it's not something I think I could deal with.
Our relationship has had bumps along the way, but I've always known that he loves and cares for me. I think that my original post didn't represent our relationship as a whole. It was a snapshot of a small moment in time that made us both look kinda bad.

At the moment we're in the process of moving me over there to live with him. It's been in process for a while. He's been asking me to do this for a long time and I've resisted because it's such a big move. I know he's fed up with missing me all the time, and I am with missing him too.

Well, if you're sure you want to make this big risky change for a guy who is seeming less and less interested, and non-sexual as well, it's your right to do it, of course. I'd definitely agree with GG that you should not move in with him, in case things don't improve, leaving you isolated, and living with someone you really aren't vibing with after all.

Just doing regular dating from your own base would be much safer for you, more caring for yourself. You sound very insecure with him right now. There's no indication that things would improve just because you're in his house. And if he's poly, and still poly-dating, it would be all up in your face, especially if he found a new local dating partner (or more that one). Mono/poly relationships can be just as difficult as LDRs.

In general, it's not recommended to move in with someone until you've been actually dating them for at least a year. That goes for LDRs also.

We video call every day for at least a few hours, and all day on Saturday. He does devote a lot of time to me. I've been feeling a bit neglected since he's been so busy lately.

We've been together 3 years, so I'm sure the NRE wore off a long time ago. We're going to have a check in this weekend and I'll address the things I've been worried about.

Good.

 

[LavenderLilacMauve]

Just an update, rather than a reply to specific questions.

My partner and I had a check-in this morning. He started, and brought me all these things about him feeling insecure in our relationship at the moment because I've not been talking about the move much.

He had a bad situation with his ex-fiancee many years ago and has since never wanted to share his life in such a close way with anyone else, until he met me. I think that the LDR thing is his way of still having that love and intimacy in his life, without presenting the opportunity for pain he experienced before.

I was married and it wasn't a good relationship. It was more one that I used to escape a bad family situation I was living in at the time. So when I met my current partner, the idea of a LDR was much more appealing than having someone on my doorstep and having to deal with them and my baggage from my ex. (A situation that dragged on for some time, I have only just this summer managed to finalise the divorce, despite being separated for over five years.)

We talked about the things I've been worried about, and he apologised for the way he handled the situation with the girl who lives near him. He said that he never had any intention of dating her, but that since she had caused an issue between us in the past, when she wanted to date him and he said he wouldn't leave me, he wanted me to be aware it had come up again. But also that he was feeling a bit like I was losing interest and telling me that someone else was into him was a bit of a confidence boost for him. We talked about how that was not acceptable, and have agreed to make some more defined boundaries around these sorts of things.

We have talked many times about planning a holiday together. The last four or five visits we've had have all been meeting one another's family and friends and local sightseeing where we're from. So we are planning a proper getaway in the new year. Just the two of us. He wants to pay for my flights from here because they will be a little more expensive than his, but I'm disputing it because I'm pretty independent, so we shall see.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi LavenderLilacMauve,

Thanks for that update. It sounds like things are a little bit more hopeful between you and your partner. Hang in there, long distance has actually been a good thing in some ways but it has run its course.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Just an update, rather than a reply to specific questions.

My partner and I had a check-in this morning. He started, and brought me all these things about him feeling insecure in our relationship at the moment because I've not been talking about the move much.

He had a bad situation with his ex-fiancee many years ago and has since never wanted to share his life in such a close way with anyone else, until he met me. I think that the LDR thing is his way of still having that love and intimacy in his life, without presenting the opportunity for pain he experienced before.

I was married and it wasn't a good relationship. It was more one that I used to escape a bad family situation I was living in at the time. So when I met my current partner, the idea of a LDR was much more appealing than having someone on my doorstep and having to deal with them and my baggage from my ex. (A situation that dragged on for some time, I have only just this summer managed to finalise the divorce, despite being separated for over five years.)

We talked about the things I've been worried about, and he apologised for the way he handled the situation with the girl who lives near him. He said that he never had any intention of dating her, but that since she had caused an issue between us in the past, when she wanted to date him and he said he wouldn't leave me, he wanted me to be aware it had come up again. But also that he was feeling a bit like I was losing interest and telling me that someone else was into him was a bit of a confidence boost for him. We talked about how that was not acceptable, and have agreed to make some more defined boundaries around these sorts of things.

We have talked many times about planning a holiday together. The last four or five visits we've had have all been meeting one another's family and friends and local sightseeing where we're from. So we are planning a proper getaway in the new year. Just the two of us. He wants to pay for my flights from here because they will be a little more expensive than his, but I'm disputing it because I'm pretty independent, so we shall see.

Well... Have you been losing interest? Are you still unsure, after three years in a LDR, about whether you really want to take the plunge and leave your home base and move to his area? I haven't gotten a clear picture of that. Maybe now that you have finally gotten the divorce, you are ready to make a new commitment. But on the other hand, maybe you'd rather stay where you are and find a mono partner and go the more conventional route. Or maybe you'd like to find a poly partner in your area. You could just be one of his partners, a secondary, or a co-primary, where you'd get more time to yourself.

We know the bf wants you to move in. You're dragging your feet a bit. And I understand why. But perhaps it's time to get 100% straight with what you want, in your head, so you can tell bf and he won't continue in limbo.

 

[LavenderLilacMauve]

I definitely haven't been losing interest. I told him a few months ago that I wanted to be there with him and we've set things in motion. We live on different continents so it's not a simple process. But it's moving along now. My job is really stressful right now and so is his, add to that the stress of organising the move and the big feelings attached to that when we've both lived alone for so long. We're probably both a bit overwhelmed right now.

I know I want to be with him. I'm really not interested in anyone else. Our relationship has been happy and fulfilling, I think we've just hit a rough spot because of everything we have going on.