How to build attraction with people

Isaiah990

Member
This is my guide on how to build attraction and get in a relationship.

Be friendly - Be friendly. Smile, laugh, tell jokes, flirt, have good hygiene, etc. Alot of women open up to guys who do this. No one wants to hang out with someone who is uptight, angry, toxic, and always serious.

Be respectful - Practice the golden rule. Do unto others as you would want to be done to you. You’d be surprised how many men are rude to women. It’s cringe. The worst part about it is they think it’s building attraction. It’s actually doing the exact opposite. Be polite, respectful, kind, chivalrous, list goes on.

Be interesting - Have a hobby and something you’re passionate about. Women love passionate men. They’re into men who have a purpose and love committing themselves to something like art, work, a career, list goes on.

Be real - Perhaps the most important key to attracting women is to be yourself. You must be completely open with your emotions and thoughts (gradually of course.)

Communicate - Women love good conversations. They want men who listen to and understand them. Be curious about the women you’re trying to attract. Ask questions and talk about yourself. More importantly, ask questions about women’s passions and goals. Talk about their emotions and what’s on their minds.

Get physical with her - I'm not referring to sexual harassment. Start by lightly touching her hand, patting her back, hugging her, etc. to see how she reacts. If she’s comfortable with you, she’ll let you. Make eye contact with her. Body language is a great way to build attraction. If you’re both comfortable with this, let her know you see her in a sexual way. At some point, women want to be sexually as well as romantically desired. Not many women will stay attracted to a man who only wants their hearts, but not their bodies.

Empathize with her - Women are very attracted to guys who empathize with them. They want a guy who makes them feel safe expressing whatever emotions they have whether good or bad. They don’t want you to fix their problems. They just want someone to listen. Validate and cherish their feelings. Understand why they feel a certain way and support them.

Give her space - Don’t bombard girls with texts, calls, etc. Many men think by spending all their time with a woman, they’re building attraction. They’re only doing the exact opposite - destroying attraction. When you’re constantly giving your attention to a woman, you run out of things to talk about. Your energy is also drained. Surprisingly, distance makes you more attractive to women. Don’t completely ignore women, but don’t chase them either if they don’t respond to you right away. Let the relationship flourish naturally.

Most people have issues with anxiety, namely separation anxiety. When they’re distant from someone they’re attracted to, they get very anxious. You need to give women to think about you, to wonder about you, to miss you, list goes on. Before you know it, women will chase you after a period of silence. If they don’t respond at all, move on.

Uncertainty builds attraction because it motivates people to invest. People hate uncertainty because it triggers anxiety, especially if they had traumatic childhoods where they were abandoned. I noticed one of the most common things women tell me is "I think you have a girlfriend" lol. Uncertainty makes them anxious about losing me so they test me with these accusations. They want relief from paranoid thoughts.

Here's an example of this in action. Me and a woman liked each other after talking for a while. She stopped texting me for several days so I stopped texting her too. She texted me again and gave a lengthy explanation of why she hasn't been texting me. Pay attention to what she said.
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Let's think critically. Why would I complain about her not texting me? Because she's scared of losing me to another woman due to the time apart. She sees distance as a threat.
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This tactic can only work effectively if you build a solid first impression and have strong self-control. This brings me to my next point.

Control your anxiety - Anxiety can ruin attraction if you don’t control it. When you’re anxious, you lose self control and engage in unattractive behaviors - clinginess, overanalyzing everything, avoid expressing conflicts and emotions, angry outbursts, act on paranoid beliefs, etc. When you do these things, it makes women feel unsafe around you and ruin attraction.

You need to figure out the root cause of anxiety which is usually caused by the pain of separation from your parents. Allow yourself to relive the trauma caused by your parents. This is going to be very painful at first, but it’s the only way to heal from it and manage your anxiety.

The next thing you need to do is take care of your physical and mental health. Get plenty of sleep. Eat foods that reduce anxiety. Question anxious and negative beliefs. When we’re anxious, we distort reality. Meditate, pray, listen to music, breathe deep and count outloud, draw, shower, do whatever you need to do to calm your anxiety.

Work on your insecurities - In order to be confident, you need to work on your insecurities. This is very important. If a woman is interested in you, she might try to test you by exploiting what she perceives as an insecurity. If you show clingy behavior or have an outburst, it will ruin the attraction.
 

Evie

Strong Woman
Out of curiosity, are you trying to write a book or something? Are these your notes that you're looking for feedback on? Because that's what a number of your posts are reading like, and a number of the things you are writing have merit, imo. They just don't feel like discussion starters.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
They just don't feel like discussion starters.

I was wondering the same thing.

Maybe this type of thought mapping exercise would be better suited for the Life Stories section.
 

Jilla

New member
As much as this post may be well intentioned, as a woman, I don’t appreciate being told what ‘all women’ want. Women aren’t a species - they’re individuals, just as men and all humans are. For example, I, as a female human, would be extremely annoyed if a relative stranger followed your suggestion to “get physical with her” - ew. A lot of your advice reads as rather patronising. The best dating advice, whether poly, mono or otherwise, is to be a decent, respectful person. Besides that, we all want different things. 🙂
 

RedBill

Member
People are different but also follow patterns. I think he’s talking about what works for most women but of course not all women.
 

Isaiah990

Member
As much as this post may be well intentioned, as a woman, I don’t appreciate being told what ‘all women’ want. Women aren’t a species - they’re individuals, just as men and all humans are. For example, I, as a female human, would be extremely annoyed if a relative stranger followed your suggestion to “get physical with her” - ew. A lot of your advice reads as rather patronising. The best dating advice, whether poly, mono or otherwise, is to be a decent, respectful person. Besides that, we all want different things. 🙂
:LOL: This isn't meant to tell you what all women want. It's telling you what most women want. For example, would you want a random man sending you nude pics or a man disrespecting you and your family? Most women wouldn't lol. Of course, what each person wants is going to vary based on their individuality.
 

Isaiah990

Member
People are different but also follow patterns. I think he’s talking about what works for most women but of course not all women.
Right, you can generalize to some degree. That's why people in scientific fields do surveys so they can figure out how many people follow certain patterns.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Awesome. I have deff. Heard PUAs drive that point hard so you aren’t alone. Any more tips!?


Well, in your particular case, I would get off of reddit and learn what actual BDSM and polyamory really and truly is, instead of conflating the two and thinking that it's nothing but non stop fuck fests for "alpha males". You seem to have this alarming habit of skipping straight over the ETHICAL bit of ethical non monogamy. And speaking for literally no one else in the room, this is highly concerning.

Pick up artists?! Are you serious with this?!
 

Evie

Strong Woman
I got curious and peeked at Reddit's r/polyamory. They come down really hard on unicorn hunters and harem building!
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
I got curious and peeked at Reddit's r/polyamory. They come down really hard on unicorn hunters and harem building!


I'm thinking he's confining himself to r/pua and the like, strictly going off of what he's posted so far. Pure speculation and conjecture on my part, however.
 

RedBill

Member
I got curious and peeked at Reddit's r/polyamory. They come down really hard on unicorn hunters and harem building!

But why? See that’s what I don’t understand... If three people want to love each other and have sex, or if a man and a harem of women want to love each over and have sex. What’s the big deal? Multiple love is multiple love, why do peeps be pushin agendas...

It’d be like LGBQ saying “Oh, you relate this way? You don’t get to be considered gay. You have to meet this and that and this standard to be accepted into LGBQ”

Replace LGBQ with Poly and you have the way the poly community treats people. I don’t get it.

Edit.
Thats how monogamous people act by the way!!! Who do people think they are trying to bash someone’s orientation? Be it poly, gay or whatever.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member

Because people follow patterns of behavior? Because unicorn hunting and harem building is sometimes problematic? You'd have to ask over there on reddit why they come down hard on it.

See that’s what I don’t understand... If three people want to love each other and have sex, or if a man and a harem of women want to love each over and have sex.

And they can do that. People are free to seek whatever arrangement they want. Other people will either agree to participate with them or skip it because they aren't into that.

Multiple love is multiple love, why do peeps be pushin agendas...

To me pushing a personal agenda is someone trying to reach their goal or get their way through manipulative/negative ways.

Having an differing opinion? That's not pushing anything. It's just not having the same opinion.

Galagirl
 
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RedBill

Member
You might have a point if this site didn’t come down hard on the same things r/polly does.

So you all come down hard on harem building and unicorn hunting because it’s “sometimes problematic”?

BDSM is “sometimes problematic” why not come down on it too? I think you are pretending a pro-fem bias doesn’t exist in the community when clearly it does.
 

RedBill

Member
I guess the question is why is the tone towards some individuals so negative while others so positive.

Why are negative things assumed about uni hunters and not bdsm? Why is the community so willing to hear one out and not the other.

I’d like to see a thoughtful argument that some how avoids hypocrisy on these issues.
 

Evie

Strong Woman
Past members have been banned for pushing agendas/One Twue Polying, so no, we don't have restrictions on how to poly/love.

But we discourage people thinking that poly is somehow non-egalitarian (which unicorn hunting risks because the couple's privilege is often extreme.)

Generally, we do encourage organic growth of any relationships, not trying to find someone to fit a predetermined mould.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Pick up artists?! Are you serious with this?!
The ironic thing is that Neil Strauss has actually gone monogamous at this point. (Yes, I’ve read both The Game and The Truth, so I do have some knowledge of both the community and the techniques…)

But why? See that’s what I don’t understand... If three people want to love each other and have sex, or if a man and a harem of women want to love each over and have sex. What’s the big deal?
You’re focusing on the wrong thing. There is nothing wrong with V’s nor triads nor larger polycules of whatever gender makeup, nor a _free and willing_ choice between people to stay in a particular/closed configuration. The _problem_ is in power dynamics - in the case of unicorn hunters, the rules established to “protect” the original couple, in the case of harems, the power dynamics of patriarchy in general.That's what *I* push back on, anyway.

And for the record, I *have* pushed back on BDSM-based agreements that took agency from people who no longer wished to give it.
 

Evie

Strong Woman
Yes, with BDSM at least the power exchange is explicit.

With unicorn hunting, it is often implicit, even to the couple themselves not realising that the are expecting a "submissive" (in a non BDSM sense) partner who won't rock their couple boat (or who will be booted out if there's any discomfort to the original couple).

The eager newly hunting couple may not realise that their rules they have created between themselves and expect "their third" to obey are potentially psychologically harmful to the person the "just want to share their oh so abundant love with".

I advocate for agency for all, and I have read a number of others do the same.
 
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