How To Contain The Green Monster

LovelyLady

New member
Hi,

I introduced myself to the boards a couple of days ago. I am mono and my partner is poly. I am his primary and he has recently ended an 8 year secondary relationship and is in the process of beginning a new one. Actually, tonight is their first sexual encounter and I am having a hard time navigating the NRE stage.

So before I left for work, he promised he would be home for dinner. I didn't ask him to be and actually told him I didn't think he would be, but he was adamant. We have a 5 year old daughter, so at 7:30 pm when I hadn't heard anything from him, I sent him a text saying she couldn't wait any longer and we were going to eat. I honestly don't care that he's not home for dinner, but I think it is rude and inconsiderate that he wouldn't contact me to say his plans changed. We sat around waiting for him. And now I'm left wondering if he'll even be home tonight.

Because of this, other feelings have arisen. I set up a beautiful ocean front room for them, however it has been raining all day. They've now spent 9.5 hours of alone time together and counting. My problem is that we never get alone time. We don't live near any family and don't have anyone we trust to watch our daughter. We recently got back from a short 3 day cruise and he had to sign up for the shipboard mobile package so he could continue to text her. I have always respected his time with his other partners and don't text him unless it is an emergency, so was disappointed we couldn't spend uninterrupted time together.

I've rambled on long enough and appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. I know the feelings of jealousy will pass and really just needed to vent here to hopefully avoid any outpouring of emotions when he returns home. We are not out to anyone so I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I also know he loves me deeply and has told his new partner that he will never leave me. I have nothing to worry about but my head hasn't convinced my heart yet.
 

gorgeouskitten

New member
Hi,

I introduced myself to the boards a couple of days ago. I am mono and my partner is poly. I am his primary and he has recently ended an 8 year secondary relationship and is in the process of beginning a new one. Actually, tonight is their first sexual encounter and I am having a hard time navigating the NRE stage.

So before I left for work, he promised he would be home for dinner. I didn't ask him to be and actually told him I didn't think he would be, but he was adamant. We have a 5 year old daughter, so at 7:30 pm when I hadn't heard anything from him, I sent him a text saying she couldn't wait any longer and we were going to eat. I honestly don't care that he's not home for dinner, but I think it is rude and inconsiderate that he wouldn't contact me to say his plans changed. We sat around waiting for him. And now I'm left wondering if he'll even be home tonight.

Because of this, other feelings have arisen. I set up a beautiful ocean front room for them, however it has been raining all day. They've now spent 9.5 hours of alone time together and counting. My problem is that we never get alone time. We don't live near any family and don't have anyone we trust to watch our daughter. We recently got back from a short 3 day cruise and he had to sign up for the shipboard mobile package so he could continue to text her. I have always respected his time with his other partners and don't text him unless it is an emergency, so was disappointed we couldn't spend uninterrupted time together.

I've rambled on long enough and appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. I know the feelings of jealousy will pass and really just needed to vent here to hopefully avoid any outpouring of emotions when he returns home. We are not out to anyone so I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I also know he loves me deeply and has told his new partner that he will never leave me. I have nothing to worry about but my head hasn't convinced my heart yet.

That sounds rough, I hope things are better now and he came home and reassured you. It sounds like he might not be respecting your relationship/needs like you would like him to and perhaps you need better boundries. The dinner thing would bother me too, text/call if you'll be late. My spouse and I also rarely if ever have sitters, so we try to carve out time at home where we put the phones away and speak up if we feel the other person is being pulled too much away by another partner.

I can only imagine its more difficult being mono, we are both poly so I think that may be a tad easier. Best of luck
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi, I have been recently helped by this jealousy link:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

I see your h is making several NRE type mistakes. He is eroding your trust in him by not coming home when he says he will. He is making you feel less valued by insisting on texting his new crush while on a "romantic" cruise with you. He is also neglecting his parental duties, it seems, by not coming home when your daughter expects.

On your side, you are left at home while he's out on romantic hotel beachside date.

I'd say, for self care, you try very hard to find a great babysitter, and do nice things for yourself while hubby is dating and in la la land. I've sat home with the kids while my ex h was out wining and dining and reading poetry to his new gf, and let me tell you, it sucks ass.

Currently both my male and female partners are in NRE with others, and it's extremely challenging. I feel your pain.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Actually, tonight is their first sexual encounter and I am having a hard time navigating the NRE stage. I honestly don't care that he's not home for dinner, but I think it is rude and inconsiderate that he wouldn't contact me to say his plans changed.

Making plans with someone and then blowing them off, knowing they are probably waiting on you, is empirically rude. NRE might be the explanation, but it doesn't excuse the behavior.

I'd be plenty irritated.

They've now spent 9.5 hours of alone time together and counting. My problem is that we never get alone time. We don't live near any family and don't have anyone we trust to watch our daughter. We recently got back from a short 3 day cruise and he had to sign up for the shipboard mobile package so he could continue to text her.

It is reasonable that you should be envious of her getting his full attention when you seem to be getting so little of it at the moment, however I don't see that getting you anywhere.

From my perspective all you can do is ask for what you want and hope that he gives it to you. If you do indeed ask him, make sure your requesting something specific. "Let's stay up late tonight and watch a movie marathon. No phones, no outside world, just you and me", for example. Avoid general requests which aren't actionable like "I don't feel appreciated, I'd like for you to be more attentive"... this sort of communication is setting everyone up for failure. One is an actionable request while the other is a lecture.
 

PolyinPractice

New member
Hmmm, I can see points where you're in wrong and right. It's not cool for him to make you wait on him for dinner, and not bother to even text you about it. But he WAS making unrealistic plans on that. Maybe he's like me and guilty of overpromising? I'd suggest having a talk where he stops being "nice" and telling you what he thinks you want to hear....and then disappointing you. Like, when I say, of course I'll be home with you (my parents) this weekend; and then can't. I want to, I try to, but really, I should just be honest and realize I'm busy and won't make it. That's a talk worth having with him.

About the romantic cruise, though. Is it really like you would be with him 24/7? Is is that much of an issue for him to text her? I understand if he takes off a block of 2-3 hours or something. Is it that? Or is it that his access to her "taints" his time with you? My metamour considered any time with him, when I was even remotely around, not "real" time with him. I, on the other hand, didn't even mind when he called for her a half hour during "our" time. Might help to lessen possessiveness, and enjoy your time with him that isn't really disrupted by his activities with her. And if it IS disruptive, talk. Say, I don't mind if you talk to her when you're with me, but what if you try to, oh, do your call with her before I'm awake? Or let me know, so I can go chill in the pool.

As for not getting as much alone time as her, well, you and he have a child. That's not her fault. But you should really try to appreciate the time with you, him, and your daughter as "real" time with him. And if you want more intimate time; do what you need to find a babysitter ;) Or, let the girlfriend be a real part of the family, let her feel like SHE has say in the relationship structure, and she might want to spend time with your daughter herself. Might even give you and him a night off. Once I felt accepted by my metamour and partner, I started volunteering to walk their dog and babysit their kids. It wasn't a favor; I was putting in the effort I needed to be accepted by their kids into the family.
 

LovelyLady

New member
I can only imagine its more difficult being mono, we are both poly so I think that may be a tad easier. Best of luck

I think that is probably true. I have considered filling our time apart with a friend of my own, but really don't have the desire.

I'd say, for self care, you try very hard to find a great babysitter, and do nice things for yourself while hubby is dating and in la la land. I've sat home with the kids while my ex h was out wining and dining and reading poetry to his new gf, and let me tell you, it sucks ass.

Thanks for the link, it was very helpful and the advice to do nice things for myself is exactly what I need.

From my perspective all you can do is ask for what you want and hope that he gives it to you. If you do indeed ask him, make sure your requesting something specific. "Let's stay up late tonight and watch a movie marathon. No phones, no outside world, just you and me", for example.

Great advice and something that I try to do however sometimes emotions get ahold of me.

About the romantic cruise, though. Is it really like you would be with him 24/7? Is is that much of an issue for him to text her? I understand if he takes off a block of 2-3 hours or something. Is it that? Or is it that his access to her "taints" his time with you?

I feel like he is distracted from our conversation by the constant texting. You're probably right, it's not really a big deal. It's probably more about remembering our own NRE and being envious.

And if you want more intimate time; do what you need to find a babysitter ;) Or, let the girlfriend be a real part of the family, let her feel like SHE has say in the relationship structure, and she might want to spend time with your daughter herself. Might even give you and him a night off. Once I felt accepted by my metamour and partner, I started volunteering to walk their dog and babysit their kids. It wasn't a favor; I was putting in the effort I needed to be accepted by their kids into the family.

I have not met her and although I would be open to it, from what I understand, she does not have interest in meeting me. I'm OK with this. I feel very strongly about not exposing my daughter to the additional relationships her Dad has. We are not open to our family or friends and I think it would be just too much for a 5 year old to understand.
 

KC43

New member
When there's a child involved--of any age, really--it adds a layer of complication, I think. How much do you tell the child? How do you explain the other partner(s)? Etc.

A young child might adjust fairly easily; I know there are folks on this board who have successfully introduced other partners to their children, and those partners have been accepted as just another family member. On the other hand, a child might be afraid that if Daddy has a girlfriend, that means he doesn't love Mommy anymore. It's hard to judge. And since this is *your* situation and *your* daughter, it's entirely up to you (and her father) how much you're comfortable sharing.

My two teens, ages 15 and 18, have met Guy, but at the time, they were introduced to him as "a friend of mom and stepdad." The 18-year-old *now* knows the truth, but it's only been about a month since I told her. The 15-year-old, for various reasons, isn't as likely to be able to understand; for her, a relationship is between two people, end of story. So we're not telling her anything. If Guy were in the area and I saw him more frequently, we might have to reconsider that, but since Guy and I are long-distance, it isn't an issue.

On the texting/calling thing... Hubby and I have agreed that if we're spending time together, I will not make or answer texts or calls with Guy. Likewise, when I was able to spend a few days visiting Guy last month, Hubby didn't text or call me.

It sounds to me as if a discussion could happen between you and your husband to set some boundaries or make some requests, such as times when you would prefer he be home for you and your daughter, times when you'd like his attention solely on you, etc. You say he just got out of an 8-year relationship, so I'm sure you know this, but in my opinion, communication is VITAL to making a poly situation work. If you're feeling left out or ignored in the current situation, you have every right to express that to your husband.
 

london

Banned
I think that if you are unwilling to meet the entangled partner and don't want to share time with them, you have to accept the limitations that choice imposes on your relationship.

That goes for everything. Say A starts a degree and B doesn't want to spend time with A whilst A is studying, that obviously means B will have to accept seeing A much less that they did previously.
 

PolyinPractice

New member
I feel very strongly about not exposing my daughter to the additional relationships her Dad has. We are not open to our family or friends and I think it would be just too much for a 5 year old to understand.

I understand many parents want to protect their children, but really, if you think about it, what are you protecting them from? It's not like your husband and her are going to have sex in front of them (assuming you and your husband don't do that, either). They'll just see the woman as another friend. Unless you and he don't HAVE friends around the kids. In which case, might not be a bad idea to ease them into idea that it's okay for grownups to have friends of the opposite sex.

(Also, I understand some irrational fear. My partner is fine with me around his kids, as they know me, and are comfortable. But he said, when I asked if I could have a girlfriend around, or if he would, he said no. For now. I don't think it's an issue, but am respecting his feelings.)
 

FullofLove1052

New member
OP -- protect your children from whatever you see fit. If I was going to date again, the person would never meet my children. In your case, it does not matter because she has no interest in meeting you, and she may have no interest in being around your child. All within her right. I love my children, but I am not keen on other people's children.

It was inconsiderate of him to not text or call. Also, there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to be present while with you. I am sorry, but if I am tee-hee-hee'ing at a text convo while at dinner with my hubby and asking, "What," after every statement, that would be rude of me. Every couple needs time without one person being distracted or just being a blob.

Decent childcare is hard to find. I have not been in this city long enough to trust anyone but their nanny and respective schools with them. (I still watch my son's teachers via cam feeds.) Some babysitters are untrustworthy, so do not trust any and everyone with your child. You are right to be cautious. Do you have any friends with children who could recommend someone of quality? You do need grown-up bonding time because it is not time for romance and what-not with a five year old around. And it can be hard to have sensitive or private conversations with a child around. Time with him and her = family time. Basic polymath says you and your husband need one-on-one time. JMO. :)
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi LovelyLady,

I sense that there are a couple of things going on. One is your irrational jealousies; the other is your rational jealousies. Yes, some jealousies are rational. They are the mind's way of alerting itself: "Someone isn't treating me considerately!" In this monogamy-saturated world of ours, we are taught to be jealous at the drop of a hat, and that's irrational. But that doesn't mean all jealousy should be dismissed out of hand.

Your partner totally should have kept his word (or informed you as soon as he knew different) about whether he was going to be home in time for dinner. Also his insistence on texting his new partner during your cruise with him: well, that's dubious at best. An occasional brief text is fine when you happen to be elsewhere, but when you're with him, that time should be special.

Re: introducing a metamour to your child ... is probably okay as long as your child gets to make the call on whether said metamour will be anything more than an acquaintance to her.

Re: assigning a metamour to be your child's babysitter ... is probably okay if the metamour wants to do it, and if you feel you can trust the metamour with your child. As a mother, that has to be your call. But since a babysitter is just a babysitter, it's not quite the same thing as promoting the metamour to the position of your child's new stepparent.

Re: finding *someone* to babysit your child ... is a must in my opinion. You and your partner (the father of the child) need quality time together -- dating time. Time in which you don't have to fuss over anything except each other. Otherwise he's getting special one-on-one time with his new love interest, but not with you. No wonder you're feeling jealous!

Be proactive, and talk to your partner about the things that are bothering you. Marcus is spot-on: Make specific requests that defy any kind of vague interpretations. Tell your partner exactly what you want and need.

I can provide (on request) more links to pages about jealousy, but for this post it suffices me to say that your jealousies aren't entirely unjustified. Of course if your partner's all caught up with NRE he probably doesn't even realize how it's affecting you, but you have a right to remind him (and to give him specific instructions on what to do). NRE's a drug and he's probably rather drunk on it. His judgment's not working at peak performance.

I hope we can help you and your partner both navigate this period of transition in your lives.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

LovelyLady

New member
Update - My hubby did come home that night at about 11 pm. He understood that I would have preferred he let us know proactively that he would be later than expected rather than having to sit and wonder. It was obvious that he had an amazing day and I did not want to harp on the issue and kill his buzz. He's been mostly attentive since then. I am still panning on requesting more alone time, but I need to work out the babysitter issue first.

He is going to Atlanta next weekend for a convention. I had wanted to go too as I would have loved to take my daughter to the Georgia Aquarium, but we decided the airfare for the three of us was an unnecessary expense. Last night, he asked me if I minded if she tag along with him. I said I did not mind and within minutes she had booked her ticket. It all seems to be moving so fast, and I am still struggling. I found myself today wishing for a reconciliation with his last gf. In my sane state, I know he seems to really like this girl and enjoy her company and I want him to be happy, but my envy is saying she's 25 and you're 43 so get out your knitting needles and settle in for some lonely nights. I just need to keep focusing on my own happiness and our family. Easier said than done :eek:

Thanks for all of your advice as it is very helpful.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I predict that in spite of her age (25), NRE will wear off in due time and then you may notice he's "bored" of her too. Honestly, he is just mismanaging his NRE and is not thinking straight. You have ample right and reason to call him on it and suggest he put a little more effort into his relationship with you. Killing his buzz won't kill him.

I don't think you've made any bad choices, honestly, at least none I'm aware of. I just want to say that from what I know so far, he's having a blast, you're getting the short end of the stick, and it's not fair. I'm sure he'll improve over time (and maybe even regret having neglected you). I just don't want you to feel like this is your fault.

But yeah, do work out that babysitter issue. And please continue to update us here; I am anxious to hear how things turn out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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