How to deal with a relationship that moved fast, & now needs to slow down

[curiouscat]

I started seeing someone about 1.5 months ago (we are both married, he is relatively new to dating solo -- he & his partner previously dated together), and it was one of those instant bonds. Things got really comfortable and close very quickly, including sleepovers and just a lot of really deep emotional connection with talk of future plans & trips etc. A week or so ago, we had a conversation in which he expressed he needed to slow down. He has a high stress job, kids, and many other changes going on in addition to being "new" to solo dating. So while he wants to continue, it is now at a much slower pace. I don't know how to feel about this, as I got used to the pace we were going & enjoyed the intensity of this new relationship. Have you been through something similar? Does slowing back down (which looks for us like pausing sleepovers and hanging out less, but still going out on dates and texting/talking on the phone) hurt or hinder? I realize I'm probably overthinking but this is the first time I've had actual feelings involved since we've been ENM.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Why do you need to slow down? Who was unhappy with the pace?

 

[Evie]

My money's on his nesting partner. Good on him if he took ownership of it, though. But then perhaps he also scared himself a little with how quickly things were progressing.

I'm in a new partnership and I wouldn't want to pause sleepovers entirely. I can imagine that if I was told that sleepovers were suspended indefinitely, I'd likely emotionally pull back, and there probably would not be a recovery from that. If I was told it was for a couple of weeks, I'd be okay. If it was a month or more, even defined, I'd be like...are you really ready for polyamory?

 

[Magdlyn]

I started seeing someone about 1.5 months ago (we are both married, he is relatively new to dating solo -- he & his partner previously dated together), and it was one of those instant bonds. Things got really comfortable and close very quickly, including sleepovers and just a lot of really deep emotional connection with talk of future plans & trips etc. A week or so ago, we had a conversation in which he expressed he needed to slow down. He has a high stress job, kids, and many other changes going on in addition to being "new" to solo dating. So while he wants to continue, it is now at a much slower pace. I don't know how to feel about this, as I got used to the pace we were going & enjoyed the intensity of this new relationship. Have you been through something similar? Does slowing back down (which looks for us like pausing sleepovers and hanging out less, but still going out on dates and texting/talking on the phone) hurt or hinder? I realize I'm probably overthinking but this is the first time I've had actual feelings involved since we've been ENM.

Something similar actually happened to my gf/nesting partner Pixi She met a guy, Malachi, and they got along great and dated for a year, spending at first one, then two or three Saturday night overnights together a month, at his apartment. At the one year mark, Malachi put the brakes on. He is an introvert, and despite being about 30, she was his first serious gf. He found it overwhelming. So he asked to take a pause. He was single, there was no wife in the mix, or kids, or anything. He was just over-stimulated and not sure about commitment. Pixi was really hurt.

They kept in touch low-key (texting) for about a year, and then he felt ready to reconnect. He missed her. Pixi's patience paid off big-time and they resumed their Saturday night overnights, which gradually increased to long weekends, and eventually she became welcome to come be with him at his house anytime. He even moved closer to where we live and bought a bigger house so she could have plenty of room for clothes and other belongings, and giving him room to recharge as an introvert needs to do. (His job requires him to put out a lot of social energy.)

I think it can be highly profitable to align yourself to your partner's needs, respect them, and apply a little patience. It's not necessarily like a cheating husband who constantly promises his mistress that he will divorce and marry her. In poly, the point is to have more than one partner. But perhaps he and his wife are having some speed bumps over dating individually, and they will work that out in time.

Good things can be worth the wait!

 

[Bobbi]

When people are in NRE, and they don't have good personal boundaries about it, they can get lost in it without realizing how much it's actually effecting their lives. At some point people can wake up and see it's doing more harm than good. Good for him for taking the initiative.

Your relationship shouldn't be harmed by it if the connection you have is real. If it's just NRE and nothing else, you'll learn it quicker and be thankful for it. Pulling back will be hard at first. Try not to think of what time you are losing but focus on how excited you'll be to see each other again.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello curiouscat,

It is a hard thing that your dating partner is asking of you. You will have to decide whether this is a deal breaker, this forgoing of the overnights that you were enjoying so much. Maybe the thing to do is to ask him how long this slowing down will last. And then compare that with how long you think you can stand for it to last. I don't know, I'm just throwing some ideas out there. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[curiouscat]

My money's on his nesting partner. Good on him if he took ownership of it, though. But then perhaps he also scared himself a little with how quickly things were progressing.

I'm in a new partnership and I wouldn't want to pause sleepovers entirely. I can imagine that if I was told that sleepovers were suspended indefinitely, I'd likely emotionally pull back, and there probably would not be a recovery from that. If I was told it was for a couple of weeks, I'd be okay. If it was a month or more, even defined, I'd be like...are you really ready for polyamory?

Thank you for your response! Surprisingly, it's not his nesting partner. She is actually dating several people herself. We've also even met. He is trying to balance a lot (too much probably) and also yes, probably felt a little scared. This would be his first more serious solo "relationship".

Valid point regarding the boundary of time -- it is something that would help me as well. I don't know what his timeline is. I've asked and he doesn't know, though have not asked about sleepover. More so just like, asking what he is needing right now, which is some scaling back of time spent and less of an emphasis on physical things.

 

[curiouscat]

Something similar actually happened to my gf/nesting partner Pixi She met a guy, Malachi, and they got along great and dated for a year, spending at first one, then two or three Saturday night overnights together a month, at his apartment. At the one year mark, Malachi put the brakes on. He is an introvert, and despite being about 30, she was his first serious gf. He found it overwhelming. So he asked to take a pause. He was single, there was no wife in the mix, or kids, or anything. He was just over-stimulated and not sure about commitment. Pixi was really hurt.

They kept in touch low-key (texting) for about a year, and then he felt ready to reconnect. He missed her. Pixi's patience paid off big-time and they resumed their Saturday night overnights, which gradually increased to long weekends, and eventually she became welcome to come be with him at his house anytime. He even moved closer to where we live and bought a bigger house so she could have plenty of room for clothes and other belongings, and giving him room to recharge as an introvert needs to do. (His job requires him to put out a lot of social energy.)

I think it can be highly profitable to align yourself to your partner's needs, respect them, and apply a little patience. It's not necessarily like a cheating husband who constantly promises his mistress that he will divorce and marry her. In poly, the point is to have more than one partner. But perhaps he and his wife are having some speed bumps over dating individually, and they will work that out in time.

Good things can be worth the wait!

Thank you so much for sharing this story. Pixi is a saint with that level of patience! I agree with your points about respecting a partner's needs and applying patience. Hard for a historically impatient person! The part that is hard is the sort of rollback I've experienced and the lack of clarity on his end because he is still trying to figure it out for himself, trying to juggle work, family, hobbies, friends, and the new element of solo dating. Again, hard for me to digest, as it felt like our relationship was very much prioritized for the first... 5 weeks or so, and since, it has felt deprioritzed as he is having to re-engage with work and take on more hobby time. My hope is that he is in a flux moment of trying to find a better balance of all the things. As a couple, they are having a little bit of speed bumps, though more on her side with respecting time boundaries. For him, it's still trying to work his way out of a more historically monogamous mindset, despite really liking me and our time together and being committed to the poly lifestyle. It's hard because... I've been a lots of dates this last year & finding someone I connect with on many levels had proven hard if not impossible until I met this person. I am trying to wait it out, hoping that with some time things will iron out. But I am feeling unsettled and still a little confused about all of this in the meantime, which is challenging for me. Again, thank you for your words. I'm glad to have found this group to share with -- the insight here seems profound!

 

[curiouscat]

When people are in NRE, and they don't have good personal boundaries about it, they can get lost in it without realizing how much it's actually effecting their lives. At some point people can wake up and see it's doing more harm than good. Good for him for taking the initiative.

Your relationship shouldn't be harmed by it if the connection you have is real. If it's just NRE and nothing else, you'll learn it quicker and be thankful for it. Pulling back will be hard at first. Try not to think of what time you are losing but focus on how excited you'll be to see each other again.

I appreciate this, Bobbi. You are right. I don't think he had very good personal boundaries at first, and also experienced a pile up of stress, both of which have added up to this slow down. I am struggling with feeling deprioritized as he has set his new boundaries, especially when the whole situation was jointly moving in another direction. I'm hoping with time he will find a better equilibrium and more clarity but it's hard in the moment. I am trying to keep positive and look forward to the time we have but it has been so infrequent and inconsistent.

 

[curiouscat]

Hello curiouscat,

It is a hard thing that your dating partner is asking of you. You will have to decide whether this is a deal breaker, this forgoing of the overnights that you were enjoying so much. Maybe the thing to do is to ask him how long this slowing down will last. And then compare that with how long you think you can stand for it to last. I don't know, I'm just throwing some ideas out there. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin, thank you for the kind words! I'm also sorry this is happening! Alas, cannot change it, at least for the moment. My answer to this is that it is not a dealbreaker if it is temporary as he recalibrates his time. The challenging part is, he doesn't really know how long the slow down will be. So I'm in a sort of uncomfortable limbo. I've been okay with waiting it out because he is a wonderful person and we have a connection I haven't experienced since I started ENM dating. This is coming of course at the expense of my peace of mind (I have a lot of anxiety issues so this doesn't help, haha!). It will be a balance of how long I feel as though I am willing to tolerate the uncertainty. Thanks for the response.

 

[Bobbi]

inconsistent

Inconsistent is hard. Talk to him and see if he can give you consistency. It can be frequent like once daily texting or infrequent like a date every other Thursday (or both). This doesn't mean you cant text more or see each other more frequently but it will fulfill a need to be consistent about that commitment regardless of anything else that happens. Make sure it provides space that he can fulfill it and you can count on it. Anything else is a bonus, not expected but makes you feel good.

 

[Ariakas]

Inconsistent is hard. Talk to him and see if he can give you consistency. It can be frequent like once daily texting or infrequent like a date every other Thursday (or both). This doesn't mean you can text more or see each other more frequently but it will fulfill a need to be consistent about that commitment regardless of anything else that happens. Make sure it provides space that he can fulfill it and you can count on it. Anything else is a bonus, not expected but makes you feel good.

Inconsistency has definitely been one of the areas I find I react too poorly. I concur define what you need, see if they can meet it with consistency, negotiate and land on something that suits everyone involved.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Kevin, thank you for the kind words! I'm also sorry this is happening! Alas, cannot change it, at least for the moment. My answer to this is that it is not a dealbreaker if it is temporary as he recalibrates his time. The challenging part is, he doesn't really know how long the slow down will be. So I'm in a sort of uncomfortable limbo. I've been okay with waiting it out because he is a wonderful person and we have a connection I haven't experienced since I started ENM dating. This is coming of course at the expense of my peace of mind (I have a lot of anxiety issues so this doesn't help, haha!). It will be a balance of how long I feel as though I am willing to tolerate the uncertainty. Thanks for the response.

I once tried to date a super sweet poly guy who got married to his fiancee soon after we met. They had 5 kids from previous marriages between them. His wife had full custody of her two young boys, and my dating partner had partial custody of his three kids, although the 2 older ones were teens and preferred to be with their mom. But his youngest was only 4 years old.

After he and I had a few lovely dates, his wife got pregnant. They wanted a bio child of their own. He wanted to keep dating me, but I told him he needed to focus on his pregnant wife/newborn and the other young kids. He was upset I let him go, but I didn't want him to spread himself that thin. It wouldn't be good for him, OR me.

 

[Pippa]

I started seeing someone about 1.5 months ago (we are both married, he is relatively new to dating solo -- he & his partner previously dated together), and it was one of those instant bonds. Things got really comfortable and close very quickly, including sleepovers and just a lot of really deep emotional connection with talk of future plans & trips etc. A week or so ago, we had a conversation in which he expressed he needed to slow down. He has a high stress job, kids, and many other changes going on in addition to being "new" to solo dating. So while he wants to continue, it is now at a much slower pace. I don't know how to feel about this, as I got used to the pace we were going & enjoyed the intensity of this new relationship. Have you been through something similar? Does slowing back down (which looks for us like pausing sleepovers and hanging out less, but still going out on dates and texting/talking on the phone) hurt or hinder? I realize I'm probably overthinking but this is the first time I've had actual feelings involved since we've been ENM.

I’d say he’s losing interest. To be honest, it’s happened to us both ways in the past.