How to Navigate This

[Rachel303]

Hi,

I'm new to this whole thing, and I'm wondering. Here's my tale.

I got married to Arthur 10 years ago, totally buying into the cultural ideal of one spouse for life, totally committing to this in every way. Even though I always felt bound by the restriction, even though there were men in my life that I felt close to, I stopped myself from exploring relationships with them, even close friendships, because I'd been taught that married women just can't do that.

About six months ago, I started becoming even closer with a friend, Hector. There was no sex, just really close intimate talks that deepened our friendship. I decided that I was tired of putting up that wall with friends just because they're men, and let it develop. Hector is a great friend, the best I've had in years.

Then, out of the blue, Arthur started talking to me about swinging and trying to convince me that this was something we should try. Our marriage is good. We're sexually healthy and adventurous in our sex life, so why not?

I wasn't really comfortable with the casual sex aspect of swinging. I wasn't good at that when I was single and dating, and I'm still not. (No judgment; it's just not something I can do.) I start trying to wrap my mind around this, and in my research, I come across the terms polyamory and polyfidelity. "Wow, this is exactly what I'm thinking!" was my revelation.

I brought this to Arthur. He said he was not into building relationships, he just wanted the sex. But to encourage me into getting into the swinging idea, he suggested that I find my own partner to enjoy, in order to get used to the idea. Of course, I broached the issue to Hector, who had recently realized that he was polyamorous. The three of us sat down and discussed the potential relationship.

Arthur gave the go-ahead, and it all looked good... until Hector and I had our first sexual experience together (which took a while to happen, because life kept getting in the way).

Arthur, in the meantime, took to swinging like it was going out of style, setting up sex dates left and right.

Hector and I have had only one night together. We're still friends and the friendship is even better. We're still close and there's no weirdness. I've actually felt pretty good about Arthur's dates, because it seemed like he was enjoying them, and I felt a measure of freedom in our relationship that I'd been craving. I felt like our values and the reasons we were together were no longer defined by this possessive, ownership understanding of relationships. I felt like we were on a great path.

Arthur, on the other hand, seethes with jealousy any time I even mention Hector's name. Any time he knows that Hector and I are going to be sharing space, even just lunch, like we'd done for years before this, he texts me nonstop. He demands to hear nitpicky details of our sexual encounter.

After weeks of nearly nonstop sex dates, he quickly burned out on casual sex. He decided that the whole experience just wasn't for him, and he was going to stop.

He says he's not going to ask me to stop seeing Hector, but I can tell that he wants me to. I haven't even gotten a chance to explore this as fully as I want, but I already know that this is the way I see relationships now, that I don't want to be beholden to one person forever, but to share love and intimacy in a free relationship.

I guess my question is: What do I tell Arthur? I don't want to break up with him. Hector and I are not romantic, so it's not like there's any threat to my marriage. The only threat, it seems, is what I'm bringing, my understanding of relationships as open and free, and my desire to keep it that way. I realize that it's not just my relationship with Hector. It would be my relationship with anyone. I'd do this again with another partner, in another free relationship.

I feel selfish and greedy. But I also feel a pull to let this go, to maintain the peace in our marriage, even though I know it'll mean squashing a big piece of me.

I think I'm venting more than anything. Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

[StitchwitchD]

Reading your story, I get the sense that Arthur is just completely wrapped up in his own emotions and isn't being very considerate of your feelings. He wanted to be able to bang a whole bunch of other random women, and was okay with you taking your friendship with Hector to another level, while he was busy getting laid. But now that he's getting bored of meaningless sex, his jealousy is coming to the surface.

Some people get way more jealous about emotions than sex, or vice-versa, and try to make all kinds of rules and restrictions accordingly, as if feelings are so easy to control.

Marriage is supposed to be about compromise. If I were in your shoes, I'd be willing to give Arthur some time to get a grip on his jealousy, give him links to articles to read, be willing to talk about whatever his insecurities are. But I would not be willing to return to monogamy permanently, because of his feelings. He's only one person. There's no reason that his feelings are more important than your feelings, or Hector's feelings.

Also, you mentioned that it's not romantic with Hector. Too often, people think intimate=romantic=deep=meaningful, like it's got to be all of those things, or none of them. An intimate/deep/meaningful relationship can feel threatening, even if it's not sexual or romantic, and all of that should be discussed, possibly with all 3 people in the discussion.

If you try to understand why Arthur feels this way, that will deepen your relationship. If you let him restrict your freedom without understanding why, that will lead to resentment, and create a gap between you.

 

[Rachel303]

Thanks for the perspective, I appreciate that. Yes, it really didn't begin as well as I had hoped. Arthur does react more jealously to the connection Hector and I have than to the sex, but it's all tied together now. All three of us talking together would be a good idea. I'm nearly afraid to bring up the idea. He's so touchy about it all. But that's probably best.

 

[Quath]

You may want to see if Arthur can identify why he is feeling jealous. It could be envy. Maybe he wants a relationship like you have with Hector. Or maybe it is insecurity, where he is afraid you may leave him. (If this is the case, you can try to reassure him that there is no pressure for you to leave him, since polyamory helps remove the idea that a relationship is possession of another.)

Polyamory works based on communication. So if you can get Arthur talking about what he is feeling, you will have a chance to work through it. Just verbalizing it may help him process how he feels, as well. He may see that is he applying a double standard to you, or he may see the picture better.

 

[RickPlus]

Hi Rachel303,

I have to agree with Quath. His comments are a lot wiser than the hot-headed response I was tempted to write. A number of people on this forum have pointed out that working on polyamorous relationships tends to magnify and intensify the problems and pleasures in existing relationships. If you and Arthur get into the habit of communicating very honestly and effectively to deal with your relationship with Hector, it may well deepen and help your existing marriage.

I wish you the best.

Warm regards,
Rick