How to tell people?

I_Voyager

New member
Talking to some people about being in an open marriage is pretty easy. Maybe I am close enough with them or they get it for a particular reason making things easy and natural.

Some other people I might not know as well, and they might know me well as the 'husband' but they themselves are single and I so on one hand I am not necessarily looking to hang out with them because I am in an open marriage in some simplified way, but, I would be interested in hanging out while open to the possibility of that happening without getting laid being my explicit goal... BUT I feel like even by asking to hang out they're bringing up the "us" insofar as they know my wife, I feel like keenly by the virtue of knowing me to be an honest guy in my relationship, but sort of probing like "is he trying to cheat??" So I feel like caught between her slyness and my not specifically seeking a date... Should I just like, go all in and say I am seeking a date?
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi I_Voyager,

I suppose if you are interested in a date, the honest thing to do would be to say, something like, "I'd be interested in a date with you, if that would be something that you'd want." Just as part of the conversation. Of course, before you said that, you'd want to be sure that the person you are talking to is comfortable with the concept of consensual nonmonogamy, and is comfortable talking about the subject.

Obviously, being open/poly does not mean that you want to date *everyone* you meet. It just means that you are open to the possibility.

Such are my initial thoughts,
Kevin T.
 

I_Voyager

New member
I appreciate them, thanks! I was just thinking something along these lines ironically just before I opened up the app... I sat down to meditate and sort out some emotions.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds good. Hopefully you'll find a way to a solution that works for you. And, if I could help, well, so much the better.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Yeah, what sounds good on paper, isn't always easy to put into practice. :)
 

Marcus

Well-known member
on one hand I am not necessarily looking to hang out with them because I am in an open marriage in some simplified way, but, I would be interested in hanging out while open to the possibility of that happening without getting laid being my explicit goal...

Is this a true statement or are you winking here? If you don't have an agenda of having sex with Friend, then just invite her to do whatever it is that you want to do explicitly with her.

Then if she brings up your wife and says something suggesting that she thinks you might be hoping to cheat, you can just let her know "nope, I mean I'm certainly not against hooking up, but that's not why I invited you here to (enter activity here)". If she says "yeah no, that'll never happen", you can just shrug your shoulders and all is well.

So I feel like caught between her slyness and my not specifically seeking a date... Should I just like, go all in and say I am seeking a date?

I think you should err on the side of being frank, and honest. If your interest is in hooking up with her then be honest about that. If your interest is in building a friendship and if hooking up should happen then so be it, you don't have an issue unless something changes.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Some other people I might not know as well, and they might know me well as the 'husband' but they themselves are single and I so on one hand I am not necessarily looking to hang out with them because I am in an open marriage in some simplified way, but, I would be interested in hanging out while open to the possibility of that happening without getting laid being my explicit goal... BUT I feel like even by asking to hang out they're bringing up the "us" insofar as they know my wife, I feel like keenly by the virtue of knowing me to be an honest guy in my relationship, but sort of probing like "is he trying to cheat??" So I feel like caught between her slyness and my not specifically seeking a date... Should I just like, go all in and say I am seeking a date?

I am having trouble parsing all that. I am going to repeat that back in my own words. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok? I will use generic produce names. But if you want to change it, I'll go with what you pick.

Apple is single. I don't know her very well but she knows me and my wife.
Apple doesn't know this is an open marriage.
I don't want to hang out with Apple JUST because I'm looking to hook up. I would be interested in hanging out and getting to know her better. If it develops naturally, I'm not opposed to sharing sex with Apple. But that's not why I'm interested.
I'm not sure how to proceed.
Like if I ask Apple if she want to hang out? I'm worried Apple will wonder if I'm suddenly trying to cheat on my wife with Apple.
So I feel stuck. Like... is Apple being sly and flirting with me for fun because she considers me a "friend" so the flirting would never go anywhere? (In which case why bother asking her out?)
Or should I just go all in and as her out on a date? (But them I'm worried about ______.)

Is it something like that? What goes in the blank part? That she'll decline the invitation?

Isn't that a reasonable risk of dating? Some people are up for it and some are not?

You aren't a mind reader. Neither is Apple.

If you want to know where Apple stands, you have to ask the questions.

Galagirl
 
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I_Voyager

New member
I did end up doing it... I think she was shocked I was attracted to her which was weird, fine with me being in an open marriage, felt weird to spend time with my wife's husband ethically and seemed quite flattered. But alas no go! Still glad to have done something difficult...
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Ok, so it sounds like I guess right. You ended up asking her to hang out. She said ok, but felt weird a little bit, so ultimately not pursuing it.

But you did get to practice asking people out and you are glad you did something hard for you.

WTG! :)

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Voyager,

Not every proposition will turn into a date, so it is okay if this person said no, although it is also disappointing. The important thing is, that you told her the God's honest truth, and gave her the freedom to decide how she would respond to that. IMO, this is what poly is all about. Good for you for opening up to her (and making yourself vulnerable in the process).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

I_Voyager

New member
Hi Voyager,

Not every proposition will turn into a date, so it is okay if this person said no, although it is also disappointing. The important thing is, that you told her the God's honest truth, and gave her the freedom to decide how she would respond to that. IMO, this is what poly is all about. Good for you for opening up to her (and making yourself vulnerable in the process).

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
To be honest I read it like this: I am worth, it's just too complicated. So while I would have preferred a yes I do not end up feeling bad. I have found having a stable relationship a great way to avoid disappointment. But so far I have found a few tokens to stake an improved ego on lol
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Open/poly is a whole other world. You have more opportunities to cope with rejection, while you have unique consolations for rejection that others don't have. Sometimes that's a mixed blessing. But in the end, I think it is a blessing. Kudos to you for standing up for honesty!
 

I_Voyager

New member
There was a splash though... One of the people who live in our apartment complex sent my wife a message and was like "I have to tell you about some messages S has been sending" and I assume because I could in her world just be trying to be adulterous.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
A monogamous outsider looking in sees polyamory and thinks, "Oh, that's cheating! I must warn the spouse." The outsider doesn't intend harm, they just don't understand how polyamory works.
 

UP8

New member
One question we've asked in our family is "Is polyamory like Fight Club?" That is, it is something people are likely to misunderstand so you are better off not talking about it or being very careful how you talk about it.

One issue is people whose opinions we care about but who aren't going to become involved. For instance that would include my mother-in-law and the people at work. People like that just don't need to know although in some cases they might observe something that makes them suspicious and it would helpful to put them at ease.

Another one is possible participants.

For instance the term 'polyamory' became part of our discourse a few months ago when we went to a party at a woman's house down the road. She was acting fairly provocatively (maybe drank too much wine) and started talking about the p-word. Well my wife and I had been thinking a lot about the subject and I for one was not going to let this slide. She had suggested at that party that we should do some group activities in the future such as play board games, and made some other small commitments that she hasn't followed through with since then.

Her daughter rides horses at this place so she comes around from time to time and my wife and I decided we were going to "show not tell" we were a polyamorous couple by being coordinated about inviting her to do more things at our farm but the weather has been cold, there hasn't been riding for a few weeks but it was a little bit awkward the last time her daughter came around to ride and we think she's ghosting us.

It bugs me personally because I am attracted to her but not that stuck on her but I feeling pretty urgent about making something happen. I know though I can't "push on a string" any more than I can on my wife about what she can't give me, so need to develop more prospects. The main concern I have is that when the weather gets better she still feels good about coming over with her daughter. I know my wife would rather not have riders be driven away by this sort of thing but she also understands getting my needs met is important to me.

There is another single mom who is a friend of the family that I am attracted to that also has a child who rides who I am very interested in getting closer to. That could be developing a relationship as a lover but even if we just got closer as friends or did some cooperation on child care that would also be something I'd like to pursue. As with the first woman I feel like I've left as many messages on the phone as I think I can but I'm sure she will be coming back regularly in a few months and have some time to plan my next move.

I guess I'd feel a lot more comfortable if I was established as a polyamorist than if I was in this awkward place getting started.

More generally I am looking at these choices of: (1) looking for people who know they are polyamorists (less trouble explaining yourself, but there aren't very many of them and they aren't necessarily interested in being polyamorous with you.) and (2) people who could be recruited into polyamory anyway which break down into (a) people you meet in ordinary life and (b) people found through online dating.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Good summary. It's tough when you start out as poly. You don't know how to approach people, and then sometimes they ghost on you.
 
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