How/when to have the conversation?

[HoneysuckleRose]

First, I'd like to say how excited I am to have found this place and the level of kindness and respect here is so inspiring. Anyway...the rundown is this...me: 37 yr old bi female, married for 8 yrs to jay..40 yr old straight male, and bri, 23 yr old straight -ish female whom Jay and I have fallen in love with. Bri is going through a really bad breakup right now so Jay and I are trying to give her space but we're all about to move in together so I'm torn between giving her the time she needs to heal and needing to discuss some logistics about our living situation. I think she knows we are wanting to pursue a partnership with her, but we've only just hinted. But her role in our household would be very different if she's just looking for a place to stay for a while. We are miserably love sick at this point and not sure how or when to approach the subject... before she moves in? Or give her more time and just be supportive? I would love to hear y'alls perspective and thanks

 

[Tinwen]

I am not sure I understand right. Please correct me, if I don't.

• You and your husband have an open relationship. (Have you had any poly relationships before?)
• You have fallen in love with Bri. You would like to pursue a partnership with her.
• Bri knows nothing about it. (Does she even know you are open?)
• Bri is for some reason (financial?) moving in with you.
• On top, she's going through a breakup. You do realize she should get space to heal, but you are impatient.

If this is the case, I would say, don't move in with her. Def don't move in with her without the conversation, and imho even the conversation should wait until she stands on her own feet again, both emotionally and financially.
Getting dependant for living on someone who has just fallen in love with you, while being in an emotional mess, and including poly on top of that is very likely to bring her into terribly unsolvable situations.

 

[GalaGirl]

FWIW? I would tell her before she moves in.

Because if she feels weird about it she can opt out of living there and make other plans.

Or even if she feels fine dating you guys... she might not want to move in because "starting to date" is one thing, and "living together" with people she just started dating might be too fast for her.

Be respectful and let her know so she can plan appropriately what is best for her.

That's what I would do in those shoes. Then she can have full knowledge and be able to give full consent or not consent to living together at this time.

Galagirl

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

My husband and I never even considered this an option before bri...we have always been in monogamous relationships and so this is very new. And she's moving in with us because she/we want to improve our financial situations and also to coparent. And yeah, I don't want her moving in then we drop this bombshell on her and it throw her into emotional turmoil. We thought we would just be patient and after we move in slowly see how it goes, but it seems unfair not to be upfront about everything

 

[Tinwen]

And she's moving in with us because she/we want to improve our financial situations and also to coparent.

Have you been friends for long?
Do both of you have children?

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

We became instant best friends about 9 months ago...and we both have boys ages 6&7 who are also best friends.

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

I am afraid tho, that if I tell her now I could ruin it where as if I wait to tell her when she's more stable she might be more receptive????

 

[Tinwen]

I am afraid tho, that if I tell her now I could ruin it where as if I wait to tell her when she's more stable she might be more receptive????

Are there any signs that she may be reciprocating your romantic feelings?

Poly brings on a huge layer of complications. You have to shift mindsets hugely. I think you are right, that you may add more stress on her shoulders then she is able to sort out well.

However, it doesn't beat the dishonesty of letting her move in without telling, particularly, if you two can't truly hold back to be friends only. Imagine moving in with someone and finding out afterwards that you are the object of their sexual fantasies.
Also, if she's not interested at all, you will find out quickly.

When is she supposed to move in?
Perhaps... you could have the conversation, and offer her to help find accommodation elsewhere, until this is sorted out somehow?

 

[GalaGirl]

We thought we would just be patient and after we move in slowly see how it goes, but it seems unfair not to be upfront about everything

Could be fair then and let her know up front.

I am afraid tho, that if I tell her now I could ruin it where as if I wait to tell her when she's more stable she might be more receptive????

Or she could be really pissed off at you not telling ahead of time and think this is some weird entrapment thing. And you ruin what could have been had you been more honest and up front.

The point is... guessing at futures? It could go anywhere. Let the future take care of itself. Deal with your present.

Which leads back to you thinking it isn't fair not to be upfront about everything. So... could be fair.

Galagirl

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

Are there any signs that she may be reciprocating your romantic feelings?/QUOTE]
She's flirty with me sometimes but that's about it.
[QUOTEImagine moving in with someone and finding out afterwards that you are the object of their sexual fantasies.

That would either be super uncomfortable or the best shit ever

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

Ok it's apparent I cant quite figure out that quote button yet... anyway....she is flirty with me at times and I definitely think in the right circumstances there could be intimacy but I'm not interested in just occasionally having sex, I want the relationship so if she's not interested in that it's a deal breaker for me. And I'm guessing your right about her getting pissed and possibly thinking we've trapped her. I was just trying to choose kindness because telling her right now didn't feel very respectful of her emotional state. And we're supposed to move this week into a house together.
Ok...i have to tell her
Now, HOW do I tell her????

 

[Ravenscroft]

Tinwen & GalaGirl have certainly covered all the points. Definitely worth re-reading.

HoneysuckleRose, the one thing that leapt out at me is that you & the SO already believe that you're "miserably love sick at this point." That's NOT good.

Most people are neophobes, fearful of taking risks because... well, it might not work out & maybe they'd feel foolish. I'm the other way 'round: being a bit of a klutz anyway, life has a way of tripping me up (like Sideshow Bob in a rake factory ), so I figure I'm just gonna make mistakes, & often feel foolish despite my best efforts, so why not face it head-on & have fun?

Once, we decided to let a friend of a friend move in with us. She was living out in the "outer ring" suburbs of Minneapolis, with no car, no bus service, & a two-mile walk from the nearest (low-paying) job prospects. She was cute, smart, & funny, & made it VERY clear that she only wanted to get her life together & move along. Stating this was clearly difficult for her, & I admired her forthrightness.

Oddly perhaps, I wasn't attracted to her in That Way, so agreeing to this was no problem at all. She turned out to be an ideal roommate, & we lived happily together.

And she stayed years longer than she initially intended, & we were in love before we were sexual partners. (Oh, & in those years she worked her way up from mail-cart pusher to data-center manager for American Express. )

One recurring hallmark of baseless unicorn-hunting behavior is the sense of "gotta have it ALL, right damn NOW." No dating, no courtship, no building, just plug-&-play from the first fancy box that comes within reach.

Therefore, HR, I'll be blunt. My thought is that if you stifle your stupid little Romantic fluttery feelings (not picking on you; I've had 'em, & that's my estimate), it'll make all three of you neurotic & weird, sooner rather than later. This scenario will NOT end well.

If you tell her about the baseless sex-fantasy crush, she may bolt & you'll never hear from her again. Short of her pulling a gun, that's about as bad as it'll get.

Or, she'll read you her personal Riot Act of how you're NOT gonna be allowed to infringe her boundaries, & she intends to move along as soon as she gets her life together... but maybe with respect for how you dealt with her straightforwardly AND respected her boundaries. To me, that sounds like an ACTUAL basis for eventual courtship.

Impressed by your honesty, will she acquiesce from the beginning? Probably NO WAY IN HELL. And if you press her, consciously or not, you're terrible friends. If you were willing to sacrifice friendship in hopes of squeezing her, then I'd contend it wasn't there in the first place.

 

[GalaGirl]

Well, could take stuff from your original post and tweak it to suit.

"I don't mean to add to your stress, but given that we are supposed to move into a house together this week, I thought it best I be up front in case plans need to change.

I have been feeling torn between giving you the time you might need to heal and my needing to discuss some logistics about our living situation and what the roles in the household would be.

I also wanted to make you aware that I have a crush on you, and would be open to dating in the future. But if you are not interested, I wanted to respect your boundaries, let the idea go, and clear anything else up so being roomies isn't weird.

Or if you prefer not to live together at all, now that you know what's been on my mind, I would understand that too. "​

Maybe something like that?

Galagirl

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

Wow, I so appreciate your honesty...that was very eye opening to read...i probably need to re read that about 10 times. Just to add a little clarification to our situation....i guess the lovesick feeling is stemming from the fact that before I came to my husband and expressed to him that I was developing romantic feelings for her, our relationship felt whole and complete, and now that we've opened up the space for her in our hearts, it all of a sudden feels like there's a missing piece..he and I both feel it.
And the moving in together plans were in the works before any poly talk was ever mentioned. Actually I never even heard the word poly until about a week ago...i had no idea people lived this way except for Mormon's and that sure wasn't what I wanted. I don't consider this to be a base less crush or just some threesome fantasy. I adore her and her child, and I want to make her happier than she ever thought possible, I want to create a life and a family with her. A silly crush I would totally ignore for the sake of our friendship. I don't want to rush her relationship wise, but the moving in together is happening regardless ( well maybe not if I tell her and she freaks). And I am being impatient and driving myself crazy, Jay is too, but it's only because adding her to our future feels so right and good for everyone involved, and so we're anxious to get started on that path. Not trying to be defensive, just to clarify. I place a lot of stock in what you said and I appreciate your perspective. I think being very gently honest with her might be the way to go...i don't want to loose her by not being honest and I want her to have the all the facts before we move. My guess is that she'll need some time to think about it but will still continue with the move. In which case Jay and I will stifle our feelings until the time, if it comes, she's ready.

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

Galagirl, that's perfect! Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful comments...i finally feel like I have some peace of mind and a plan.

 

[Tinwen]

I am glad you have a plan now
(Btw, with the qoute button, it seems you've deleted some needed text - you want your quotes to be enclosed by "[ QUOTE ] (text) [ /QUOTE ]" - without the spaces, I just hope this will display)

And I am being impatient and driving myself crazy, Jay is too, but it's only because adding her to our future feels so right and good for everyone involved, and so we're anxious to get started on that path.

Yeah, this is the little thing Ravenscroft is talking about. You think now, that it's right for everyone involved, while you have never considered it before, and she didn't have her input yet, so you can't know if she thinks it's wonderful for her too. So, try to relax however hard it is - love makes us feel like it's the most important thing in the world to do, and immediately!, while it's not true at all.
But you know what? If she indeed is on the same page with you, it could work for you. Maybe not now, but eventually. The fact that you weren't looking for such a scenario and just both fell in love, and that you are best friends, works to your advantage imho - you didn't make all kinds of weird preconceptions about your "third". What could be problematic eventually is the age difference though.

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

Your right, I am making assumptions about her happiness because I'm just in the mindset of "we could love her so completely and make her so happy", but it's still an assumption since she's had no input . And the age difference concerns me somewhat, but your right I need to just relax, if this is part of our journey it will unfold. I just don't wanna frack it up first.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi HoneysuckleRose,

There are no guarantees in life, Bri might react well or badly no matter what you (say or) do. It sounds like you're in love with her, but you don't know whether she's in love with you. Try not to invest too much emotionally into one ideal outcome.

Since you can't know how Bri might react regardless of what you say or when you say it, I would err on the side of honesty and confess my love for her before the three of you move in together. If she turns you down, try to trust and respect that. She is her own person and can make the right decisions on her own. Forgive her if she doesn't/can't return your love.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[HoneysuckleRose]

Thanks Kevin, beautiful advice! You're so right

 

[kdt26417]

Glad if I could help.