I’m a 41 yr old bi woman, with my husband 15 years, no kids by choice. As documented in previous posts, I have always accepted that I am poly-wired, but I managed (at least, technically) monogamy with hubby until last summer, when I fell hard for another woman. My husband and I struggled with our new dynamic. Though he always knew about my sexuality, he had convinced himself that I put “all that” behind me. At one point we were on the verge of separation, but after lots of communication he finally started to understand my needs and accept my ability to love more than one person (as long as that person is female, anyway.)
Unfortunately, by the time hubby stopped freaking out, my female lover was no longer successfully hiding her narcissistic tendencies, blowing hot and cold, withholding when I expressed any boundaries or needs, saying one thing then behaving as if the opposite were true, keeping me on an emotional roller coaster. I was so stressed out, I had become an anxious, emotional wreck, and I sought medical help for depression. I broke up with the woman after five months, and have taken a few months since to process and heal. After much self-examination, I understand what I do and don’t want in a relationship with another woman. My husband and I have continued to communicate and engage, and my marriage feels stronger than ever before, but I really miss having a woman to be intimate with.
But I have no clue where to find women to date. I am very picky about women, always have been, and I imagine given how the last one treated my heart, I will be all the more cautious now. Before the narcissist, I hadn’t felt so strongly for anyone in decades, and I’m terrified that at my age, I’ll never feel that way again. I’ve tried OkCupid and BiCupid, but only the unpaid versions. I’ve scoured CraigsList, left my location and description in the “Dating & Friendship” section of this forum. I’m wary of hanging out at the local lesbian bar, as I’m not a lesbian, and I have always been attracted to and have more in common with bisexual women. I have a decent social life, and I’m “out” to most of my friends, but there’s just no one promising on my radar.
In desperation, I’ve been looking into the whole “manifesting” thing, and mostly it seems like bull, though I feel like some of the ideas might be useful if you combine it with actually “getting out there,” just to get your mind into a love-positive place, you know-- clear out your inner baggage, work on your self-esteem, decide what you do and don’t want and then stick to it, etc.. And, hey, it can’t hurt to ask the Universe for exactly what you want, right?
Distilled, my question is, now that I know what I want and need, where do I go to look for her? Does paying for the upgraded versions of OkCupid or BiCupid make any difference? Any other recommended dating sites? I’m in the U.S., I don’t live in a major city, and though I live in a gay-friendly community, there’s no poly socials to join, not even a swingers’ club. Also, out of curiosity, has anyone tried “manifesting” techniques to “summon” their lover, and if so, how, and what were the results? Thanks!
Unfortunately, by the time hubby stopped freaking out, my female lover was no longer successfully hiding her narcissistic tendencies, blowing hot and cold, withholding when I expressed any boundaries or needs, saying one thing then behaving as if the opposite were true, keeping me on an emotional roller coaster. I was so stressed out, I had become an anxious, emotional wreck, and I sought medical help for depression. I broke up with the woman after five months, and have taken a few months since to process and heal. After much self-examination, I understand what I do and don’t want in a relationship with another woman. My husband and I have continued to communicate and engage, and my marriage feels stronger than ever before, but I really miss having a woman to be intimate with.
But I have no clue where to find women to date. I am very picky about women, always have been, and I imagine given how the last one treated my heart, I will be all the more cautious now. Before the narcissist, I hadn’t felt so strongly for anyone in decades, and I’m terrified that at my age, I’ll never feel that way again. I’ve tried OkCupid and BiCupid, but only the unpaid versions. I’ve scoured CraigsList, left my location and description in the “Dating & Friendship” section of this forum. I’m wary of hanging out at the local lesbian bar, as I’m not a lesbian, and I have always been attracted to and have more in common with bisexual women. I have a decent social life, and I’m “out” to most of my friends, but there’s just no one promising on my radar.
In desperation, I’ve been looking into the whole “manifesting” thing, and mostly it seems like bull, though I feel like some of the ideas might be useful if you combine it with actually “getting out there,” just to get your mind into a love-positive place, you know-- clear out your inner baggage, work on your self-esteem, decide what you do and don’t want and then stick to it, etc.. And, hey, it can’t hurt to ask the Universe for exactly what you want, right?
Distilled, my question is, now that I know what I want and need, where do I go to look for her? Does paying for the upgraded versions of OkCupid or BiCupid make any difference? Any other recommended dating sites? I’m in the U.S., I don’t live in a major city, and though I live in a gay-friendly community, there’s no poly socials to join, not even a swingers’ club. Also, out of curiosity, has anyone tried “manifesting” techniques to “summon” their lover, and if so, how, and what were the results? Thanks!