How you changed when you opened to poly?

rolypoly

New member
Here's what's been circling in my little head...

In the past, when thinking about someone I had a crush on, I used to find all the things that scared me about them.

As a perfect example, I recently talked to my new "crush" or "love interest" or whatever, (he's a friend, firstly). We talked about our weekends and told me how he danced until the wee hours of the morning. In the past, as a "monogamous" woman, seeking what her family would approve of as a responsible, reliable, potential father, anything outside the definition of those qualities would scare me.

Hmm, dancing until all hours? You will be a bad partner, neglectful and a bad father...

What a drag!

Somehow, identifying as poly has eased up on my need for the reassurance that someone will be a "good partner", as I defined it. I believe this is largely because now the pressure is less on one person and is allowed to spread into many, including myself.

Poly also introduced many more options of what makes a good partner.

Maybe what I'm needing is a friend that I can spend time with occasionally, dance until the wee hours, (while my other partners sleep soundly), and then go back to a less partying lifestyle. Wouldn't this person then make a very good partner, (if we define partner as someone who meets a need for us).

Have any of you discovered similar changes in yourselves after "coming out" as poly??

roly
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
No. Not really-but mine is a different situation.

I have found I feel less like a failure and less guilty for my life.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I was always pushed to find "the right man" fall in love, get married, have kids etc.
But I didn't do that.

I fell in love and fell in love and fell in love and fell in love and.....
Somewhere in there had 4 kids (spread out over 16 years), got married to a man whose heart I broke and here I am finally coming to terms with myself!:eek:
 

MonoVCPHG

New member


Have any of you discovered similar changes in yourselves after "coming out" as poly??

roly


Although not "poly", I have definitely changed since entering a poly relationship. The requirement to communicate has greatly enhanced my ability in this area and I have created freinds in walks of life I never would have ventured before. I have expanded my knowledge about people in general because of the people I have gotten to know through poly.
In analysing my own issues I have discovered an incredible amount about myself and am a better partner for this. Ironically I am more monogamous then ever!!
 
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rolypoly

New member
Mono, so opening up to being in a relationship with a poly woman has helped you to be more communicative, essentially? And to discovering more about yourself?

What kinds of people and what walks of life have you opened up to that you hadn't thought of before? I'm curious because I haven't had this experience. (Well, except that I inadvertently end up hanging out with more pagans, LOL).
 

violet

New member
I discovered an amazing amount about myself - like most other people have said. For me, it was more discovering things that I thought I had "dealt with", that in reality I'd just buried. Opening to poly made me confront those things head-on, and while I'm still dealing with them, it's making me a better person.

It's things like separation anxiety, insecurity, etc. I'm dealing with them head on now, when before I had CLAIMED to deal with them - like I said, I'd only buried them.

By proxy, it's made me more anxious, more insecure, more possessive in the mean time. lol It's changed me for the worse in the present, but will make me a FAR better human being in the future once this shit is out of the way. :D
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
What kinds of people and what walks of life have you opened up to that you hadn't thought of before? I'm curious because I haven't had this experience. (Well, except that I inadvertently end up hanging out with more pagans, LOL).


My background - military profession for almost 20 years, east coast family in a place where the idea of feminism, hippies, art appreciation, political activism, street people, and even racial diversity were not a visible factor.

Moved out west - white picket fence, suburbs, lots of cash, no concept of the world as a global community, very vanilla, and very happy with how politics and capitalism work because quite frankly they work for me.
I socialised with middle class nuclear families and had no concern for anything beyond my own little world. Political activist, environmentalist, social activists were an annoyance to me because I saw it all as a waste of time and energy in the face of progress.

Enter the Poly Meetings....people from all the areas I had never before interacted with. People more concerned with communication than the accumulation of material things, people who view the world as a connected hive of people. Artistic, activists, creative, expressive, and caring for the world and its future.

Although I may not have assumed all the beliefs or attitudes of those around me, I have certainly had my eyes opened up to many amazing people and learned a greater appreciation for all people and what they believe in.
 

rolypoly

New member
violet said:
For me, it was more discovering things that I thought I had "dealt with", that in reality I'd just buried.

Good for you! We invite into our lives what helps us grow and I imagine poly opens itself to all sorts of stuff. Like you say, separation anxiety and insecurity.

Someone recently told me something like: It's a gift when someone who loves you pushes one of your buttons. Much more difficult to deal with someone who doesn't love you triggering you.


MonoVCPHG said:
military profession for almost 20 years

WOW! That's quite a change. Yeah redpepper!
It's still a good reminder for me to hear why/how someone would love capitalism. Helps me understand. I'm one of 'dem freaky types who loves the environment, thrives on communication and all that hippy dippy shit. ;)
 

ImaginaryIllusion

Administrator
Staff member
(Well, except that I inadvertently end up hanging out with more pagans, LOL).

LOL...that sounds eerily familiar!

It's still a good reminder for me to hear why/how someone would love capitalism. Helps me understand. I'm one of 'dem freaky types who loves the environment, thrives on communication and all that hippy dippy shit. ;)

Funny enough they're not opposed concepts...but that's a discussion for another forum...other than to say it's possible to love both...at the same time....equaly....yadda yadda yadda.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
WOW! That's quite a change. Yeah redpepper!
It's still a good reminder for me to hear why/how someone would love capitalism. Helps me understand. I'm one of 'dem freaky types who loves the environment, thrives on communication and all that hippy dippy shit. ;)

I'm still in the military, still don't have a big issue with capitalism (just how it is abused by individuals), and I still don't feel that the world is necassarily a big connected hive. But I am definitely more connected to the world and environment. :)
 

maca

New member
Although not "poly", I have definitely changed since entering a poly relationship. The requirement to communicate has greatly enhanced my ability in this area and I have created freinds in walks of life I never would have ventured before. I have expanded my knowledge about people in general because of the people I have gotten to know through poly.
In analysing my own issues I have discovered an incredible amount about myself and am a better partner for this. Ironically I am more monogamous then ever!!

I have to second this!!! No matter what else happens in my life as it is now, I will never stop growing and spreading out. All because of honesty, communication and being open to love in all the different ways it can be shared and felt.I was such an introvert, couldnt stand crowds wasnt keen on meeting new ppl. All this has changed( or is changing) for me after LR and I came clean with each other and open to Poly.

There are moments that I still fear but there are more times that I just feel much more free and able to enjoy the life that I have.

Peace and Love
 

redpepper

New member
Enter the Poly Meetings....people from all the areas I had never before interacted with. People more concerned with communication than the accumulation of material things, people who view the world as a connected hive of people. Artistic, activists, creative, expressive, and caring for the world and its future.

Hey! Enter me first I would say! From day one I was nothing but myself and that was a lot for you to handle at first.... I remember that little smile you tried to hide the first few time you met me when I told you about what my values are and beliefs. Getting you to a poly meeting was waaaay later! Yes it did blow you away though. So brave. I would think you feel very proud facing that crowd for the first time... hell I was and I have similar backgrounds to some of them!!!
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I would think you feel very proud facing that crowd for the first time... hell I was and I have similar backgrounds to some of them!!!

If I remember correct, you and your hubby were late that night and for the first five or ten minutes it was just me. I remember looking around thinking holy crap!! I've only missed one since...interesting.
 

DrunkenPorcupine

New member
LOL...that sounds eerily familiar!

I have to say, it's a poly stereotype, but in my experience it's been true. And more than that, the poly-pagans have assumed that anybody "spiritual" enough to be poly are pagans. The anarcho-poly and atheist-poly folks get together monthly and laugh at them. :)

Funny enough they're not opposed concepts...but that's a discussion for another forum...other than to say it's possible to love both...at the same time....equaly....yadda yadda yadda.

I love you. :)

capitalism and the environment, you mean?

I militantly believe this is the case. I'm a huge fan of sustainaable living. I'm a capitalist, and yet... a huge fan of breathing clean air, drinking clean water. I believe there are better ways to protect these important things. My favorite tools? Pursuasion and dialogue. If you're interested in my perspective on the situation, please feel free to send me as message or start a thread. :)
 

BloodGamers

New member
I will say since my wife has offered to me the idea of a poly relationship that I don't feel so worried that she will be alone if we found someone else to share the lifestyle. Actually I feel that it would benefit her more in the long run then would me.
 

DrunkenPorcupine

New member
I will say since my wife has offered to me the idea of a poly relationship that I don't feel so worried that she will be alone if we found someone else to share the lifestyle. Actually I feel that it would benefit her more in the long run then would me.

I have to ask what kind of disconnect exists that the happiness of you wife or partner doesn't impact your happiness.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
It's things like separation anxiety, insecurity, etc. I'm dealing with them head on now, when before I had CLAIMED to deal with them - like I said, I'd only buried them.
:D

I think it's really important for everyone to just grab onto the fact that these parts of ourselves are perfectly natural pieces of survival mechanisms. The difference being that via "knowledge" gained, we recognize them for what they are and nothing more. But that doesn't mean we just flip a switch and they're gone - POOF ! Depending on the culture we were raised in and personal experiences we lived, these mechanisms were granted various levels of reinforcement. Some - not so much - some a LOT. But practicing the skill of taking a deep breath and stepping back and asking the question, "is the threat perceived even real and is my reaction proportionate ?" eventually puts you in a better place. It's like any skill - takes practice. Be kind to ourselves in this process but don't let ourselves off the hook either :)

GS
 
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