Hubs gf's husband...

I am still new here and new to the whole polyamory thing in my marriage. To clarify we are calling it "openish" as at this point we are only testing the waters with online relationships.

The question I have is, with my hubs gf she is also married but in an unstable marriage where she is actually cheating on her husband with mine. At first they were both cheating but then I found out and on the back of that are we opening things up enough to explore the online thing for now.

Hubs says he wants to leave it up to her if and when she broaches the topic of their relationship with her husband. But I am deeply concerned about how horrible this could all play out... Not to mention a little concerned she may have plans to rope my husband into her life in a more substantial way.

I assume all of these feelings are normal but how much of this is valid concern vs irrational... Do I need to let go completely and trust his take on this? Or are there some conversations that need to be had?

I am also concerned that since this is very new to us... he hasn't explained things to her as he has been explaining them to me... where he says "You will always be number one. She will never replace you..." and so on because when he tells me about their convos she seemed surprised to learn that I knew about them and then he simply tried to explain my being okay with it as "Well she has her own thing going to"... which seems just vague enough to let her think I am cheating and he is looking... which ironically... I only ventured out once I found out about her and we had many discussions about what we wanted to do from there.

Am I nuts for thinking that honesty and openness is just as important with your other person as it is with your spouse?

Help is greatly appreciated...
 
She needs to come clean to her husband, your husband is being unethical and if I were you i'd separate myself from the situation. Your husband cheated on you, he doesn't deserve your trust.
 
11 years and two kids makes it a rather large undertaking to separate myself from the situation.

It has not been an easy process trying to come to terms with this. But separating myself seems a last resort.

What is the solution to fixing a marriage after cheating? I mean granted there is some trust that has been lost and some reworking on myself I need to do so I don't completely fall apart when he lets me down. Because after I found out I went to a place emotionally where I just wanted to die... and actually that is how I ended up with my first venture outside the marriage lets call him, The Tragic Poet. I didn't think I could do it. I was lucky to have a friend who was going through something similar with his gf and we leaned on one another for what turned out to be the hardest month of both of our lives.

We have since gone our separate ways. He is back with his ex and I am just trying to figure out who I need to be to make this relationship work in a way that we will both be happy and be able to have a richer fuller life experience.

But it is an uphill battle with a lot of mixed feelings, questions and uncertainty.
 
11 years and two kids makes it a rather large undertaking to separate myself from the situation.
I don't think you have to necessarily separate as in heading for divorce, but separate as in not condoning his behavior. And to stand up for yourself as an individual .

What is the solution to fixing a marriage after cheating?
There are, generally, two parts to this. On your part, there is forgiveness. Without holding it over his head forever, but letting him know how deeply he shattered your trust in him. On his part, there is making amends for his betrayal and working to regain your trust.

His continuing to participate in a dishonest deception doesn't go very far in regaining trust so that the foundation of your marriage can be stronger.

. . . I am just trying to figure out who I need to be to make this relationship work . . .
Who you need to be? Honey, be yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Your husband is the one who seriously fucked up. You didn't do anything to deserve such callous disregard and disrespect, for you and the agreements he made with you. Remember, most of the burden to work on repairing things between you is on him. However, what you need to do is anything that builds your self-esteem and helps you know where your boundaries are and how to defend them.
 
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Thanks :)

When I said I needed to figure out who I needed to be I meant as far as my own reactions and responces. Situations like this can bring out the worst in people and I am striving to maintain some peace and balance. In the months before I found out about his gf I had been researching polyamory and wondering how and if it could work for us. I never could broach the topic with him because I thought he would interpret it as me wanting to cheat.

I wouldn't make myself do anything I wasn't comfortable with in that regard. But I also don't want to lose myself to jealousy or anger no matter how warranted they may be under these circumstances.
 
Hi SplinteringVelvet,

My main concern is that your husband's girlfriend is actively cheating on her husband. She needs to have some kind of exit strategy so that the cheating will come to an end. If she doesn't want to develop an exit strategy, then your husband needs to develop one, so that his participation in the cheating will come to an end. And if he doesn't want to develop one, then you need to develop one for yourself. You don't want to be a link in a chain that includes a cheating link. Not if it can be helped.

I understand that you don't feel you can break up with your husband. Ultimately, you may have to just live with a flawed situation. But you know what your position is if your husband asks.

Just my thoughts on the matter,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
With the cheating comes all the possible drama and pain. Are you two ready for his gf to end up appearing on your doorstep saying she needs someplace to stay? Depending on what states you are near are you ready to have her husband divorce her in a state with Alienation of Affection laws which would make your husband liable for damages? Are you ready for her husband, or possibly other relations to come storming around your house or his work? Is your husband ready to deal with her possibly yoyo-ing between him and her husband as she tries to work things out? Some of this can happen even when cheating is not involved but the drama can be kicked up a few notches when it is.

Leetah
 
Yeah... I have told him that I can't really approve of what they are doing until the situation has changed.

I will say that when I first found out about their thing there was a lot I didn't know... and my hubs is just vague enough that there is so much room for confusion and misunderstanding. Apparently he had asked her if he needed to be worried about her hubs coming after him and she said no... but to him that meant they had an understanding that they didn't...(although possibly... he is just morally numb to the concept of infidelity in a scenario where he is not being cheated on).

It wasn't until further down the road he realized her marriage is in a really bad place on the verge of divorce.

As far as all the legal issues... I don't see how they could even remotely begin to weigh the goings on of an online relationship over the very every day real life problems that are factors in their own marriage. Alienation does not start with an online bf... sorry... not to say what they are doing is okay because it's not. But there are far more pertinent factors at play here.
 
As far as all the legal issues... I don't see how they could even remotely begin to weigh the goings on of an online relationship over the very every day real life problems that are factors in their own marriage. Alienation does not start with an online bf... sorry... not to say what they are doing is okay because it's not. But there are far more pertinent factors at play here.

Be careful making that assumption: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alienation_of_affections

Of course, this is vague, and I'm unsure if any of this applies to your jurisdiction, but:

prior marital problems do not establish a defense unless such unhappiness had reached a level of negating love between the spouses.


There's definitely a burden of proof to be made.
Anyone can name ANYONE in a lawsuit. It's best to not even put yourself in the position of being sued.
 
Thanks for the information.
 
It wasn't until further down the road he realized her marriage is in a really bad place on the verge of divorce.

Really? And he knows this how? She's lying to a man she made vows to be honest and faithful to--there's certainly no reason to think she's not lying to your husband. There are almost always two sides to this kind of story, and often the cheater is re-writing marital history to justify their behavior. Not always, but very, very often.

That said, the state of her marriage isn't really your business, but the consequences it can wreak and what it says about the character of your husband certainly are. Along with some of the other things brought up, how sure are you it's just online at this point? Unless she's geographically distant or he never leaves the house, it's unlikely to be true (it rarely is--cheaters usually minimize the situation and reveal as little as possible when they're caught). What if it's not all online? Or, what if it is at the moment, and he wants to move it to "real life?" What if she gets pregnant? Why in the heck would your husband, or you, believe her husband wouldn't do something drastic, such as show up at a workplace, etc.? It's not unusual, especially in a state of heightened emotion (such as finding out your spouse is cheating) to react dramatically; and, let's face it, how likely is it that his woman would have said "oh, yeah, if he finds out he'll ruin your life?"

Your husband is not showing you he can handle poly life choices (or, I suppose, mono life choices) in an honest, caring, respectful way. As NYCindie says, continuing to live a life of lies doesn't exactly carry a message of reform and honesty.

Personally, I don't keep dishonest people in my life. If they'll participate in cheating, then they lack integrity, IMHO, which means I have no reason to think they'll have integrity in whatever relationship I'd choose to form with them. Your husband lacks integrity, and he's showing you this loud and clear. You do have choices, they're just not all necessarily great choices.
 
You bring up a lot of great points.

Really? And he knows this how? She's lying to a man she made vows to be honest and faithful to--there's certainly no reason to think she's not lying to your husband. There are almost always two sides to this kind of story, and often the cheater is re-writing marital history to justify their behavior. Not always, but very, very often.

I def have my concerns about that and I have voiced them to a degree... He will on occasion come to me about one of her gripes about him and paint it in the form of a "What would you do if I did this?" sort of thing.

I will say that my responses tend to turn his critiques of him on their head. Like the last time I pointed out... "Well first of all that wouldn't happen because that is something I normally handle myself and if I weren't around to handle it I would be in communication with you to ensure it didn't go undone. If I didn't do that it would be unreasonable for me to expect you to know when it needed to be done. And I think the real issue there is their lack of communication not that he didn't do it."

At that point it seemed to me that he had become pretty roped into the story she was spinning and wasn't really looking at the full picture otherwise he should have been able to identify that she is part of the problem there.

... how sure are you it's just online at this point?

She lives on the other side of the country.

What if it's not all online? Or, what if it is at the moment, and he wants to move it to "real life?"

He knows that under present circumstances I am not okay with them having anything irl. Also... I def think he would be more careful than to risk putting himself in a position to potentially get his ass beat by her hubs. So distance is def important.

What if she gets pregnant?

Yeah... that is a concern I had brought up, even if she did end up eventually single, I would need him to be extra careful. With her current husband it seems the pregnancy was the reason for them getting married and def don't need that kind of trouble. But honestly... at this point in my marriage... even I wouldn't welcome a pregnancy.


Why in the heck would your husband, or you, believe her husband wouldn't do something drastic, such as show up at a workplace, etc.? It's not unusual, especially in a state of heightened emotion (such as finding out your spouse is cheating) to react dramatically; and, let's face it, how likely is it that his woman would have said "oh, yeah, if he finds out he'll ruin your life?"

How would he react... this is def something that comes up somewhat regularly.

Per my request he has had this conversation with her now and it seems she is more interested in leaving than trying to solve anything and has zero interest in coming clean.

I don't know what I can do tbh. That part of all of this is out of my hands.

And if he shows up at hubs work and makes a scene... as much as I would rather it never came to that, it kinda serves him right, no? Is it wrong of me to think that way?

Your husband is not showing you he can handle poly life choices (or, I suppose, mono life choices) in an honest, caring, respectful way. As NYCindie says, continuing to live a life of lies doesn't exactly carry a message of reform and honesty.

Personally, I don't keep dishonest people in my life. If they'll participate in cheating, then they lack integrity, IMHO, which means I have no reason to think they'll have integrity in whatever relationship I'd choose to form with them. Your husband lacks integrity, and he's showing you this loud and clear. You do have choices, they're just not all necessarily great choices.

Yeah... this is still a very new situation and I honestly don't know what is the best way to deal with it. I am just taking it one day at a time and yeah... I am realizing he isn't the guy I thought I was married to all these years. But we still have a family and a life we have been building so tearing all that down is not a decision to be made lightly.
 
You bring up a lot of great points.



I def have my concerns about that and I have voiced them to a degree... He will on occasion come to me about one of her gripes about him and paint it in the form of a "What would you do if I did this?" sort of thing.

I will say that my responses tend to turn his critiques of him on their head. Like the last time I pointed out... "Well first of all that wouldn't happen because that is something I normally handle myself and if I weren't around to handle it I would be in communication with you to ensure it didn't go undone. If I didn't do that it would be unreasonable for me to expect you to know when it needed to be done. And I think the real issue there is their lack of communication not that he didn't do it."

At that point it seemed to me that he had become pretty roped into the story she was spinning and wasn't really looking at the full picture otherwise he should have been able to identify that she is part of the problem there.



She lives on the other side of the country.



He knows that under present circumstances I am not okay with them having anything irl. Also... I def think he would be more careful than to risk putting himself in a position to potentially get his ass beat by her hubs. So distance is def important.



Yeah... that is a concern I had brought up, even if she did end up eventually single, I would need him to be extra careful. With her current husband it seems the pregnancy was the reason for them getting married and def don't need that kind of trouble. But honestly... at this point in my marriage... even I wouldn't welcome a pregnancy.




How would he react... this is def something that comes up somewhat regularly.

Per my request he has had this conversation with her now and it seems she is more interested in leaving than trying to solve anything and has zero interest in coming clean.

I don't know what I can do tbh. That part of all of this is out of my hands.

And if he shows up at hubs work and makes a scene... as much as I would rather it never came to that, it kinda serves him right, no? Is it wrong of me to think that way?



Yeah... this is still a very new situation and I honestly don't know what is the best way to deal with it. I am just taking it one day at a time and yeah... I am realizing he isn't the guy I thought I was married to all these years. But we still have a family and a life we have been building so tearing all that down is not a decision to be made lightly.

Definitely don't suggest you just tear it down totally, but it's worth letting him know that he has to show you change, which he isn't, and set that change out in clear, definite terms of what you need to start rebuilding trust. Not vague "I need you to be trustworthy," but specifics.

Also, having seen a good bit of the fallout of cheating in many scenarious, don't think that it would be just your husband that could get the fallout. Betrayed spouses often reach out to the other betrayed spouse, and if they find out that they knew about it all hell often breaks loose, and distance may or may not be a barrier. Plus, in this day of the interwebs, distance isn't necessarily a barrier to someone making your life pretty damn miserable (visit some infidelity forums for examples that will make your hair stand on end).

There's a lot to consider, of course. But, you can set your boundaries for what you need, what you will and will not engage in, etc. Having read your other thread, it sounds like there's work to do on both sides regarding communication if the relationship is to function and be healthy.
 
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