Hung Up On Monogamy

[Medusatee]

Hi all, maybe you can help my little brain unshackle itself.

I have been monogamous for all of my dating life and so all I’ve really experienced are the ways of traditional monogamy. I left a queer, long term relationship in 2020 and have been single ever since, doing the self work and exploring parts of myself that I had allowed exes to stunt. I met my first poly person on a dating app 2 years ago, and though we didn’t hit it off romantically, they opened my eyes to this way of loving.

I dove into a deep research hole back then and read all the books I could, listened to all the podcasts, watched all the videos. I really respected the poly community and resonated with a lot of what I learned, but ultimately I didn’t think I could live a poly lifestyle. I had been in only codependent relationships, knew nothing other than monogamy, and believed that I couldn’t put aside my potential jealousy and insecurities. I’m also pretty lazy lol.

I put it out of my mind but I remained respectful of the poly lifestyle. Then I recently met a guy and took the leap to ask him out because I liked his energy. Something was drawing me to him. He said yes, he’d love to, but he was poly and had a partner. I was surprised but it didn’t change how I felt about going on a date with him - it actually kind of felt like something was coming full circle for me. We’ve been on a few dates since.

He has been amazing, truly, and so open and communicative in a way that I am not used to. I take everything in my stride so I’m learning to move away from the ways in which monogamy has taught me that honesty can be desperate or needy. I really like him and his partner seems very nice too though we haven’t interacted yet.

I’m autistic and I’ve always been quite open about how I feel with people I’m seeing, and then felt bad afterwards because it’s not the ‘done thing’. But I also only know the relationship escalator as monogamy dictates! I’m pretty sure I’m ambiamorous as I feel comfortable both in a monogamous relationship and in whatever this is right now - but what’s the next step?

I’m not saying I want to be in a relationship with him, but I function on rules/guidelines/outlined steps. We have been on a few dates, text in between, haven’t had sex but have kissed. I know you’re gonna say that poly is whatever you make it and there are no rules blah blah blah and whilst I totally respect this, I am too ND for this response haha. For example, Valentine’s Day is coming up and obviously he has a primary partner but do I have a right to ask if I can see him (not on the day, but for it)?

In the monogamous dating world, that would be weird. I’m struggling to let go of the shit I’ve been taught. And I know I can talk to him about this but he’s veryyyyy busy right now and so the communication is quite slow, I don’t want to overwhelm him with questions. But I guess I just don’t know what’s ‘normal’ here and what isn’t?

And also, because I struggle to conceptualise terminology, does going on dates mean we’re seeing each other?? Or does that denote something more serious? How the hell do I even know when it’s more serious? Is there even a serious in the poly world? I don’t want to ask him these questions because it makes me feel stupid to not know the answers (my own cross to bear).

Even if this doesn't make any sense, thank you for reading!

 

[GalaGirl]

I’m autistic and I’ve always been quite open about how I feel with people I’m seeing, and then felt bad afterwards because it’s not the ‘done thing’.

You can be authentic you with people you date. And if you want to be open about how you feel about people you are seeing? Go ahead. It can be the thing YOU do.

Thinking that expressing love/caring is not a "done thing" -- not sure who taught you that.

I've had expressions of love/caring in most of my life in family relationships, friend relationships, dating relationships. There's been a few emotionally closed off people who don't show their feelings. But I've been fortunate that they are in the minority and I know it isn't me. It's them.

But I also only know the relationship escalator as monogamy dictates! I’m pretty sure I’m ambiamorous as I feel comfortable both in a monogamous relationship and in whatever this is right now - but what’s the next step?

You keep dating him.

I’m not saying I want to be in a relationship with him, but I function on rules/guidelines/outlined steps.

Aren't you in a dating relationship with him?

What is "relationship" to you?

We have been on a few dates, text in between, haven’t had sex but have kissed. I know you’re gonna say that poly is whatever you make it and there are no rules blah blah blah and whilst I totally respect this, I am too ND for this response haha.

Polyamory doesn't mean basic manners fly out the window.

You and he can decide shared agreements between you as the relationship continues to develop.

For example, Valentine’s Day is coming up and obviously he has a primary partner but do I have a right to ask if I can see him (not on the day, but for it)?

Of course you do. You are one of his dating partners.

If you want to ask him out on a Valentine's date and are flexible about when you celebrate? Just say so and ask him out. Then coordinate calendars if he says yes.

And I know I can talk to him about this but he’s veryyyyy busy right now and so the communication is quite slow, I don’t want to overwhelm him with questions. But I guess I just don’t know what’s ‘normal’ here and what isn’t?

Do you need to review the healthy relationship wheel? Sounds like you didn't have healthy monogamy?

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/fpntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_2019-03-01.pdf

And also, because I struggle to conceptualise terminology, does going on dates mean we’re seeing each other??

Yes. You are dating each other.

Or does that denote something more serious? How the hell do I even know when it’s more serious?

In monogamy, "going exclusive" or "going steady" and no longer casually dating other people is one of the ways that could indicate "getting serious."

In polyamory, you won't have that landmark because you can date more than one person. Instead? You could talk to each other and figure out how entangled you want to be and what kind of commitment or "serious" you want to do.

Maybe the relationship menu helps you.

https://i.redd.it/oah2zu2el2q71.png

Maybe some of the worksheets from Opening Up helps you.


Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Ultimately you decide what "serious" means. Maybe you exchange keys, keep a toothbrush at their house, etc.

You figure out what the relationship landmarks are going to be together.

https://radicalrelationshipcoaching.ca/non-escalator-relationships/

Is there even a serious in the poly world? I don’t want to ask him these questions because it makes me feel stupid to not know the answers (my own cross to bear).

There can be. While not legal marriage, some people have commitment ceremonies. Some have kids, live together. It all depends on the people and what they want.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Medusatee,

You seem to be monogamous, while perhaps feeling a tad guilty about not being polyamorous? It's really cool that you did so much research on polyamory. You gave it a fair shake, and it is okay to conclude at the end, "but polyamory is not for me." There is nothing wrong with monogamy.

If you want to try polyamory, you have a right to ask him to see you whenever you need him, be that Valentine's Day, or some other day. Scheduling is probably the biggest challenge in polyamory. Sometimes you need to figure out how to spend time with two partners (individually).

There is definitely serious in the poly world. I am in a three-person V, and the two guys are both considered, by the gal, to both be husbands to her. As for dating, it really means the same thing it would mean in the monogamous world, you're definitely seeing each other at that point.

This guy you're seeing, sounds like a keeper.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Donny]

A complete novice at Poly as well, but for me I would want to know what the rules, if any, there are to his relationship with regard to the other partner.

Is it open, does the other partner know about you?, etc. As for my situation we all live in the same house and has been openly discussed that we all will not be going outside of that.

So, no rules, but, rules.

NOT ADVICE, lol! Like I said this is my first Poly experience and I have had three, totally monogamous situations that lasted over ten years each, a very few short term situations. This is not an easy concept to wrap your head around when coming from a place like that.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Ask him for clarification.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi all, maybe you can help my little brain unshackle itself.

Welcome.

I have been monogamous for all of my dating life, All I’ve experienced are the ways of traditional monogamy. I left a queer, long term relationship in 2020 and have been single ever since, doing the self work and exploring parts of myself that I had allowed exes to stunt. I met my first poly person on a dating app 2 years ago, and though we didn’t hit it off romantically, they opened my eyes to this way of loving.

I believed that I couldn’t put aside my potential jealousy and insecurities. I’m also pretty lazy lol.

Are you still "lazy" or have you changed? You're gonna have to be on your toes to get into polyamory. Got more energy now? Let's go!

I recently met a guy and took the leap to ask him out. He said yes, but he was poly and had a partner. I was surprised but it didn’t change how I felt about going on a date with him. It actually kind of felt like something was coming full circle for me.

Why?

We’ve been on a few dates since.

So, 3, 4, 5 dates? Very new.

He has been amazing, truly, and so open and communicative in a way that I am not used to. I take everything in my stride so I’m learning to move away from the ways in which monogamy has taught me that honesty can be desperate or needy. I really like him and his partner seems very nice too, though we haven’t interacted yet.

There is no reason to meet her. Do they have kids?

I’m autistic and I’ve always been quite open about how I feel with people I’m seeing, and then felt bad afterwards because it’s not the ‘done thing’. But I also only know the relationship escalator as monogamy dictates! What’s the next step?

Dating. Getting to know each other. Sex. You can get off the elevator at any level. You might want more entanglement than he does. Maybe you want to get off at "meet the friends and parents, take vacations together" and he wants to get off at "buy a house." Of course, in this day and age, mono partners can disagree on where on the elevator to get off too. Maybe one wants the "get a dog" floor. The other wants "buy a car, have kids" floor. Put on your big kid panties and be honest and negotiate. But not quite yet. You've only had a few dates.

I’m not saying I want to be in a relationship with him, but I function on rules/guidelines/outlined steps. We have been on a few dates, text in between, haven’t had sex but have kissed.

Next step is sex? Or are you a/greysexual?

I know you’re gonna say that poly is whatever you make it and there are no rules blah blah blah

Nope. Where did you get the idea poly people have no moral codes, ethics, skills? We pride ourselves on trying to balance everything, do self care, avoid burnout, avoid codependency, etc., etc. Imo, the big main rule is: "Don't be a dick." (joking, but not joking)

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Do I have a right to ask if I can see him (not on the day, but for it)?

You always have a right to request anything you want! Absolutely everything. He has a right to agree or disagree. And vice versa. Now, if you've only had a few dates and haven't even become lovers yet, it might be a bit early for making a big deal about Valentine's Day, imo. Maybe it's too soon for a wildly romantic dinner date. (Even if you were dating a mono guy, it might be too soon for this.) Get him a box of candy and call it a day. That's what I would do.

I can talk to him about this but he’s veryyyyy busy right now and so the communication is quite slow, I don’t want to overwhelm him with questions.

It's hard dating a very busy person. Is he going to continue to be too busy for you? I prefer a less busy partner who can give me a good amount of quality in-person time, and also keep in touch by text about every day in between, at least briefly.

But I guess I just don’t know what’s ‘normal’ here and what isn’t?

And also, because I struggle to conceptualise terminology, does going on dates mean we’re seeing each other?

Yes.

Or does that denote something more serious?

How serious can anyone be after "a few dates"? You barely know each other.

How the hell do I even know when it’s more serious? Is there even a serious in the poly world?

Sure! I've been with my gf for 14 years. We've lived together for 11 years. In general, I've been seeing my bf every weekend since our first date, for 2 overnights a week, for 16 months now. (I have had other long term relationships too.) My gf has had the same bf for 8 years, and she sees him 3 nights a week, usually. I get one night to myself, usually.

I don’t want to ask him these questions because it makes me feel stupid to not know the answers (my own cross to bear).

Despite having read tons, it's good you're coming here to a community. It's not your bf's job to explain polyamory to you. But it is up to you (plural) to shape your relationship in a mutually satisfying way. However, if he's really busy, and your only bf, do you think you will ever feel satisfied with his limited attention?

Even if this doesn't make any sense, thank you for reading!

Makes lots of sense. No worries.