Husband's girlfriend drives off every other woman and just vetoed another one.

Frisky

New member
My husband's girlfriend has systematically driven off just about every woman whom he has expressed interest in and she just issued a veto for one of his newer girlfriends. She is monogamous and prone to drama with angry outbursts.

The previous relationships that she torpedoed were more in the passive aggressive jealous girlfriend way. This is different, because of the power dynamics involved.

They are in a pack-like structure for the last 18 months, she as alpha and he as beta, with other pack members. I am not in this pack as I refused to submit to any authority besides that of a wife to a husband. I was previously considered to be a friend of the pack and considered the other members of the pack to be my friends. At least two of the members have been instructed by their alpha (his girlfriend) that they may respond politely to me if I address them, but they are not to hug me or speak to me first. This saddened me, but since I found out this stricture, I have respected their choice to be allegiant to this person and have avoided any situation that might make them uncomfortable.

She and I used to be friends until I decided that continuing living as a group was not something that I wanted. Her jealousy and constant anger was draining to be around. His other girlfriend wasn't able to come to the apartment because of the acrimonious nature of their interactions. When, we bought our home, she did not move with us from our apartment, but had to get her own place where she had to pay rent and cover her bills and expenses.

She has now declared publicly that she despises me. Until this pronouncement, I was content with my husband spending time with her as long as my time needs we're getting met. I didn't like that he came home drained and upset from his interactions with her or the frequent text tirades that disturbed our quiet times at home. I would express my dislike of the situation calmly and clearly, but left resolution up to him. After learning of this public bad-mouthing, I expressed that if it was one of my partners behaving that way, there would be an issue. Then I tried to let it go.

Here's where he screwed up. He began a physical relationship with a mutual friend of he and his alpha a few months ago. Now the attraction was public and known. In fact they had all had played together before. However, when he decided to start a girlfriend-type relationship, he didn't tell her. When she found out and went berserk, he tried to minimize the fallout by lying about when the relationship started.

Then, the two girls had a dinner. Discussion revealed the lie. The Alpha issued an edict to the pack saying that this girl was a threat to the pack and that only limited public interaction was permitted with this girl, including for my husband.

At this point, I weighed in very heavily with my opinion that his alpha had gone around the bend and that he needed to take the situation very seriously. He mulled it over and then told me that he was going to break it off with her the next day. Eight hours later, he returned home and said that he was staying with her, staying with the pack, and that he was going to face a pack tribunal to see if he would be allowed to remain in the pack. I WTF'd pretty hard and used phrases like cult leader, brainwashed, and abdication of his free will.

He feels like he made this group and her promises and he needs to live up to them and face the music. Admirable, admittedly. I feel like he is in a dangerous, unstable relationship with a narcissist and behaving passively. I firmly believe he needs to leave this group and relationship, but it has to be his decision. I won't veto, but I might walk.

I need assistance figuring out what I should do next. I love him but if he is actively ceding his authority to another...I'm so not okay with that. I also don't feel that it is my place to confront her about her bad behavior.

I'm losing respect for him and that hurts. I also am concerned about her instability and my own safety.
 

nycindie

Active member
You know, there really is no such thing as pack mentality, with alpha and beta roles in humans. Even the scientist who first proposed the theory in wolves has admitted he was mistaken and retracted everything he's said about it. People who get into this idea are just play-acting. Just so you know.

The only thing I can think of that is close to it is a Total Power exchange in Domination/Submission scenarios (kink). But even if that was what they are doing, they're not doing it very well!

Anyway, wow. Why does your husband give this bitch so much authority? I would try and devise some sort of intervention for your husband because it does sound like he's being abused. You are right that it is a cult, even though they idiotically refer to themselves as a pack.
 

Polysnow

Member
!!!!!!

That's all I can say to that. I am so sorry you are going through this and wish you the best of luck! Sending prayers and good thoughts your way. What people can get involved with is alarming.
 

nycindie

Active member
He feels like he made this group and her promises and he needs to live up to them and face the music.
Bullshit. He has free will. He can turn around and say, "This is over" just as easily as he started it. I don't think what he is doing is admirable at all. I think his stance is cowardly.
 

GreenAcres

New member
I swear I've read this plot in a Sookie Stackhouse novel...

I am not kink shaming--whatever floats someone's boat, as long as all parties are legal and consenting, is fine with me, so long as it doesn't impact me. This is clearly impacting you. If your husband wants TPE (which is what it sounds like is going on) with this woman, the "alpha," then that is his thing; but, I could not be in a relationship with someone who was in a relationship that so negatively impacted my own life. That is *my boundary*, so I can enforce it by leaving. Do you have any boundaries in place for things that impact your life?
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Bullshit. He has free will. He can turn around and say, "This is over" just as easily as he started it. I don't think what he is doing is admirable at all. I think his stance is cowardly.

Well he's caught up in this twisted pack thing so I'm sure he feels it is admirable. I just don't see how this can fit into poly unless it is a closed "poly pack".

I have a sub who has a Master and even he does not exert anywhere near that sort of control over her other relationships.
 

Tinwen

Active member
Okay, this left me speachless for a while. But so does some kink, that's why it is kinky, so let's accept that situation for a moment.

Losing respect sure is painful.
I would tell him, in a calm way, just so he knows and can decide accordingly.

I would want to talk about the following with your husband:
Does he have boundaries in the "pack"? Which are they, specifically what happens, if his "alpha" flat out vetos you, or tries to set more rules which affect your relationship. Is he willing to stand up for you? If not, I would strongly consider leaving.
If he doesn't have boundaries yet, is he willing to set any? If he wishes to, and they seem within what you are willing to put up with, you can support him to assert them.

He seems to be at an disadvantageous position in the pack right now. He is going to face a tribunal. If he isn't allowed to stay, your problem is solved, so maybe you want to wait for the result. But if he is "allowed" to stay, possible he will be expected to "behave" and make some kind of amends. Speak to him ahead of time about what you are willing to accept, what is possible temporarily but not in the long run, and what is a deal breaker.
 

KC43

New member
You say he made promises to this so-called Alpha and the rest of the pack.

He's your husband. Did he not also make promises to you that predate the ones he made to them?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Frisky,

I guess in your shoes I wouldn't be ready to pull the plug yet, but if it gets worse I'd probably pull it. This is based on my perception and my inclinations however, it's not the same as yours. Perhaps you have already reached the point where it's time for you to walk. Only you can make that decision.

I agree that he is letting the pack (especially its alpha) push him around. But, only he can be the one to decide to put a stop to that. Is he in physical danger I wonder?

Sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds really nasty.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I feel like he is in a dangerous, unstable relationship with a narcissist and behaving passively.

I wonder if it is....

"He is in a dangerous, unstable relationship with a narcissist and he is behaving like an abused person who cannot think straight?"

From your story I see that anyone that threatens Alpha's hold on your DH is cut out. I think she's trying to isolate him. That's what abusers do -- cut you off from friends and family who might raise the red flag.

I suggest you ask your husband if he is willing to attend counseling for himself. You might try asking him not to go to the tribunal thing... but maybe it is more important at this time to focus on getting him to counseling? And let the counselor help him break away from the pack and the abusive alpha? A professional more trained in this stuff? This problem sounds bigger than internet people help.

This pack tribunal thing? I doubt they will oust him. Because if Alpha wanted to break up with him she would have already. I suspect she wants to shame him/abuse him before the others for her own power trip. And have him grovel doing X so he "gets to stay." That would fuel her narcissistic supply in a big way because it's with an audience.

I think you think right -- she has gone round the bend and she's not safe to be around. :(

Galagirl
 
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AJM

New member
Holy shit! She's got some sort of death-grip on your husband. I'd never let a GF run my life like that, or disrespect my wife.

Bottom-line is: how much are you and he willing to take from this woman?
 

ElkSun

New member
No offense intended, but that whole 'pack' thing sounds like a weird cult.

Maybe he will get in touch with himself and reject the alpha/beta duality and embrace his sigma self. One can hope.
 
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Dagferi

Well-known member
The op hasn't been back to take part in their own thread. I have a feeling someone was having fun at our expense or trying out their fictional story on us.
 

Frisky

New member
appreciate all the support and good advice.

I'd like to thank everyone for their good advice. I only wish I were making it up. It's felt like I am on the wrong side of the looking glass.

There's a slight improvement in his ability to discern the ludicrous situation that we are in. It's been a tough balance between being very clear as to my own boundaries and controlling his actions. We're both out of town for the holiday, he with a different girlfriend and me with a boyfriend and his girlfriend.

I'm trying to be clear and not push him too hard. If he leaves her, it has to be his decision. There's been grave damage done to our marriage and his other relationships that will have to be addressed and repaired.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
I'd like to thank everyone for their good advice. I only wish I were making it up. It's felt like I am on the wrong side of the looking glass.

There's a slight improvement in his ability to discern the ludicrous situation that we are in. It's been a tough balance between being very clear as to my own boundaries and controlling his actions. We're both out of town for the holiday, he with a different girlfriend and me with a boyfriend and his girlfriend.

I'm trying to be clear and not push him too hard. If he leaves her, it has to be his decision. There's been grave damage done to our marriage and his other relationships that will have to be addressed and repaired.

Ah...a new twist. It's good to see that you are not alone in this. Perhaps hearing it from his other partner(s) helps.
 
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