I am so confused, I'd be happy if someone had an input of any kind..


New member
I have a boyfriend of five and a half years and we are to be marries soon.
Pretty much since the beginning of our relationships we had...sex buddies? women mostly (one transsexual and one man for him lately one once each..) girls are for me mainly, bdsm stuff with different people etc...

Last year we had some regular partners but pretty much we were always together... as a joke we wanted one to live with us, but obviously it never happened (it was just a fun idea to mess with)

I sometimes used to think I am in love with those girls, but I as actually just probably in love with being in love + excited about new things.

And then she came.. we invited her to play few times, and I think, I just might really fall in love... she is just amazing.

So I was thinking about polyamoric? relationship...
she said it might be cool..
I don't really know how to suggest that to him, I suffer from anxiety and there is NO way I am going to be p front with him.
He asked me a few times jokingly if I;d like what my good friends are doing (they are a married couple with a living in girlfriend) and I was embarrassed and didn't know what to say... guess I missed my chance there..

it is really getting to me... how do I make him understand where there drift goes...?
I would warn you away from poly if you are too anxious to bring up your feelings directly. Polyamorous relationships bring up many complex emotions and many situations where for your emotional health you may need to say things like "this is bothering me, could we take a step back" or "I would like to move forward more than we have been, could we all talk about that idea" or "I think I need some space" etcetcetc. Without that ability, you will likely suffer.

I assume you've been to therapy? Have you tried writing out your feelings/desires rather than speaking them aloud?
I am actually able to say "This is bothering me", and things like that, (and that's after I've been to therapy, as you guessed).

But to bring a big subject like that it is hard for me, I'd be able to talk about it and discuss it, but bringing it up on my own is very overwhelming even to think about...

I think this kind of relationship would do good for me... tired of weird sexual partners, I really like this girl and then other night three of us went to a club and they set around me and I was leaning on both of them and it just felt so right to have one on each side and not only physically..
It sounds like you have already kind of talked about it with her? Why not see if she could say something to your boyfriend so that he knows she is interested? Either when you're around so you can all discuss together or she can tell him she's been thinking about it and thinks you might be interested if he was and you two should talk kind of thing...

I do think it is important to be able to bring up big issues BEFORE getting into this kind of relationship, though. If you're not able to tell him that you're interested in this woman, how are you supposed to be able to bring up other things that are important to you? Like if you need more personal space or more time just you and your girlfriend or more time just you and your boyfriend? You really need to be able to talk completely freely with both people so you won't get stuck in a situation you're not comfortable with.
Maybe you could arrange for you and your boyfriend to hang out with your good friends and their girlfriend, and get them talking about their poly relationship as a way to bring the subject up? You could even tell them your aim beforehand so that they can help steer the conversation to whether you and the bf would ever like to try it. But I still think it's dangerous to go down this road if you will continue to have trouble bringing up certain things. Clear, fearless communication is essential.
Did you mean this to be in this section for blogs and stories? People are not generally invited to comment on blogs yet you have asked questions. I was wondering if I can move this to another section. You are welcome to keep it here and write your story as it unfolds however, and start a new thread in the poly relationship corner.
If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about this, then you might want to first work on finding ways to be more comfortable bringing up "big subject" conversations, and work on your communication skills.

It's important to have strong communication skills in any relationship, but especially if you're polyamorous. It's good that you can speak up if something is bothering you, but there are all sorts of other kinds of uncomfortable conversations that will crop up if you're navigating these waters.

I do agree that the "honey, I really like someone" conversation is one of the hardest to find the words for, especially if you know it's sort of coming out of the blue for them.
Why are going to marry? Whats the driving need behind that?

Knowing how you feel today and the possible relationship structure you want I think you need to get that all into the open before you marry. And perhaps learn the reasons behind why you couldn't/ wouldn't express your true thoughts and feeling to your long term partner.
I have anxiety and that's one it is hard on me to bring it up, it might take forever to fix that anxiety thing, I can't stop living and put my life on hold while it is still there, so I asked for some alternative ways of how I can make this conversation happen.. :(

p.s to the mod; you mind if the post stays here?
Sorry didn't really grasp the depth of the anxiety problem. I was just thinking in terms of being or soon to be married life partners and not being able to share these type of things when the topics been broached more than once prior and clearly such things are not going to be judged as taboo or out of bounds.

How about say ...remember that time you mentioned our good friends and asked if would I like that type relationship ....I think I'd like to talk about that concept and possibility of something like that. (see boat still there... you got another chance)


How about writing a note saying you posted some thoughts and comments on a forum and would like his input on the thread and send him a link to this thread. He knows of you struggle with anxiety right???....this could be a strategy for broaching difficult topics. Maybe talk to your therapist on effective methods to start difficult conversations. Write a journal ...then ask him to read it ...
Thanks everyone!
I as thinking about all that stuff myself.. I wouldn't want her to start the conversation so it doesn't look like things were decided behind his back, besides, she shouldn't be stuck in the middle.

The best thing I thought of is for my those other friends maybe to bring it up... But My friends (the one from that poly relationship) says I should just wait and he might bring it up himself.

The other day I told him I told him I was going out with her to buy some stuff and just hang out and drink some beer. He as cool with that.. When I came back (she got up to the apartment for a second too) e got pissed like I didn't tell him or something. It was so weird and stupid and upsetting. Day after that he told me he was sorry and being stupid and said he'd tell her that as well.

It feels like when I take one step forward, I go back two steps :\
So... I had one short conversation with my fiance, and he seemed calm and all that, but when I came to talk to him again he was really shocked.
I don't blame him.. but on the other hand, what did he expect when he was always looking for girls to play with me..

anyway he was shocked mainly because we are about to get married, at first I asked if we can do "what our friends are doing" they are living together.. (the girl has a husband and a girlfriend) but, frankly she doesn't want to come live here, not now, so I kind of shocked him but we decided that she can come whenever to spend the night here..

damn, I have to go, to be continued..
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It sounds to me like you have a lot going on. Take a deep breath and relax. Then realize that he loves you. Then realize that youre wanting to get married and that's a big deal. Get through you're enormous emotional and life changing experiences one at a time. Life will be easier if you handle things one at a time instead of everything at once. It's very easy to get overwhelmed. As a new poly person myself I'm telling you now that being married and being newly poly is HARD. Be prepared to have ups and downs and try to not break down into arguments as that just fuels the fire and resentment.
Thanks KyleKat, taking a breath is something i forget to do since I always want to please everyone (anxiety stuff...)

He is all shocked because he thinks there will be no "us" anymore.. but I don't think that's right. I guess it is hard to think of me as someone else too.. I think the fact that I chose a girl and not a man says a lot, if it was a man it was like I was saying that he is not man enough for me, but girls are so different.
I think it is what I need a guy and a girl...
and I am always worrying how do I make him understand that there is still "us" and that she is there to.. add and not to steal from him :(
I guess it takes time
but what if it doesn't happen ever
I don't want to lose any of them :(
This makes me so sad and rises up my anxiety
Would your fiance be willing to read here, to see the many stories of how poly adds to, and doesn't necessarily take away from?
Google translator?
I think that my boyfriend isn't into me being into polyamory
and it is tearing me apart..
I can write here for ages about how he sees this 'weird relationship' of me and that girl, but it is no where more than friends with benifits with not to much feelings, that's how he sees it and he refuses to overcome his fears and jealosy.. I know it is hard for him, but there are lots of things that I see different therefore it is not like I am asking him of something impossible..

I don't want to give up on any of them, and it tears me apart, I just really want to disappear most of the time :(