I am so irritated today.

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
Last night was a shit show. I got home from work, groceries in tow, ready to make dinner for the family so that Ms Fisher could focus on her work. She had to take a week off because we had to get the house ready for an appraisal, and it had been stressing her out. I brought home steaks, red potatoes, and fresh green beans. She was asleep when I got home, which is nothing unusual, and I got a text from Buttercup - she was having a rough time and wanted some emotional support. I was happy to give it! Then Ms Fisher woke up. Now, she tends to be a little grumpy when she wakes up, and I've gotten used to that, but this time she woke up and realized her work phone was not where she left it. She lost her shit. Now, I understand why she was freaked out. She was having an anxiety attack! I dropped what I was doing to help her search for it. Meanwhile, Ms Fisher is shouting at everyone, and trying to throw blame around for her missing phone, that SHE left sitting out. After about 10 minutes, she decided she needed to walk away for a minute. I kept looking, and left Buttercup waiting. Then Kevin sent me a text, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and his brother on Saturday. Well, that's a work night for Ms Fisher, so I was going to ask her about it before I replied. But not yet. Her phone was still missing. It took another 15 minutes of searching, but I found her phone. Great! Now our day can get back on track, right? I gave her a few minutes of getting ready for her to calm down, then I asked about Saturday. She was on the phone with Pete at this point, which is normal when she's getting ready. I told her I would see if it could be early on Saturday, so I could still be home for support. That would be fine, she said. So I finally texted Kevin back, and it turns out that his brother won't be off work until later in the day, so early was off the table. So I went back to Ms Fisher and asked if we could work out an alternate plan for her night. I suggested inviting my friends over, and she seemed insulted I would even ask about that. It's fine when her friends come over, because she knows them and wouldnt be stressed out by it. She actually said that! Fine. Well, what if your daughter stays an extra day to help out? That would be better, she says, but now she's scowling at me like I'm being an asshole. When I asked if she was mad at me about something else, she informed me that she was mad because I didn't ask my friends to reschedule their plans before I tried to find a way to meet them. Apparently, that makes me inconsiderate. I lost my temper. I pointed out that she had been shouting at everyone since she woke up. Loudly. "You're the one who's shouting", she says. At the moment, she was right. I was starting to shake, and I wanted to shout some more! Instead, I walked away. I told her that she was right, I was shouting, and I'm having an emotional reaction that's making me behave irrationally. I need to cool down. I told her I didn't understand why she was upset with me, and she said it was because I was being inconsiderate. I told her I'd think about that, and walked outside. I worked through my reaction, and decided that I had in fact been quite considerate all day, and she had just assumed that I didn't care about her needs. When I went in, she wanted to talk some more. She was determined to convince me that I wasn't thinking about her needs when I asked about Saturday. I explained my thought process several times, and when she couldn't break my logic, she took the argument to the past 11 years, during which I was not as supportive as I thought I was. She accused me of being terrible at communication, even though I think it's my forte. I just don't communicate well with her, apparently. She ranted about how inconsiderate I was for an hour and a half, while I'm just waiting to be able to send Kevin a second text to see if he can reschedule. And cooking dinner. And waiting to get back to Buttercup. And trying not to loose the equanimity that I had mustered. As it happens, she was also upset that I interrupted her call with Pete. Apparently, he had a limited amount of time to talk, and I wasn't psychic enough to pick up on that fact. Now I find out that any time I call her, or try to ask her something, Pete thinks I'm intentionally trying to interrupt their conversation. Ms Fisher says she tries to defend me, but I don't see how she could effectively do so if she still believes that I'm the inconsiderate asshole! I feel like they are feeding each other a fucked up view of my motivations, and I'm just tired of it. I think it's very accommodating for me to give her space when she's on the phone with Pete. Wouldn't most people prefer that phone calls between their partner and their meta be when they're not around? I'd rather not hear her talking to Pete at all, especially now.

I'm sorry for the long rant, but I'm at my wit's end over this. I think she needs to do a better job of balancing HER relationships. Should I be more considerate of Pete's time with Ms Fisher? I feel like that's not my problem. At least it shouldn't be. Am I the asshole?
 
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Inaniel

Active member
Ignoring the drama and not taking sides.

I’ll just say that I don’t interrupt someone who is on the phone unless it’s really important... Especially about something that would take them away from the conversation, like thinking about future plans and schedules.
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
Ignoring the drama and not taking sides.

I’ll just say that I don’t interrupt someone who is on the phone unless it’s really important... Especially about something that would take them away from the conversation, like thinking about future plans and schedules.
In general, I agree. But the amount of time she spends on the phone with Pete means that if I just waited, I would probably be waiting for days. I'm not exaggerating. I have waited for days to ask her about something. Also, the phone call seemed dormant. I sat and waited for what looked like a lull. It's hard to know when that is, but I figured a full two minutes of her not saying a word was enough to wave a hand to see if she had a moment. We are trying to run a household together, and that means that I might need to talk to her several times a day. It's not my fault if she just happens to be on the phone with Pete so often. I would have accepted "Can we talk about this later?" or "No, I need you here on Saturday." She could have told me that she had limited time for her conversation. Instead, she spent hours telling me about how inconsiderate I am. I think she could have been a little less psycho about it.

I appreciate your comment. I promise I'm not trying to argue with you. In fact, she said very much the same thing about how my question would require time to think about it. I could have accepted that and walked away, but she wouldn't let it go all night. I wish she would just believe me when I say that I was actively trying to be considerate. I could have just said, "sure Kevin, lets do that!" and then told Ms Fisher that she has to work out something else. I opted to try to communicate first, and she treated me like I was trying to sabotage her. I'm losing my motivation to speak to her at all, and I don't think she understands how close she is to loosing my support entirely. If I am going to be accused of being inconsiderate no matter what I do, then I just don't feel like wasting the energy any more.

I don't want to stop caring, but I don't know that that's something I can avoid through willpower alone. If my efforts to be supportive, communicative, and honest keep being met with disdain, frustration, and distrust, then those efforts will go away. She needs to find a way to better manage her time. I can't keep dealing with her delusional assumptions about my motivations, and I just don't have time for her self-righteous lectures any more. Something's gotta give.
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
Dude,

How are you doing? It sounds like you are shouldering some of the stress, as a good partner does - but have you taken a few minutes for yourself even before approaching the rest of this quagmire you're facing?
I do try to take time for sorting my thoughts. My morning bus ride is my best opportunity for that. I just feel like I'm stuck in a loop, and I don't know what else I can process to get out of it.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Ignoring the drama and not taking sides.

I’ll just say that I don’t interrupt someone who is on the phone unless it’s really important... Especially about something that would take them away from the conversation, like thinking about future plans and schedules.
That depends on how much they're on the phone though - this sounds like that's a LOT of unaccessible time, which isn't always practical in the case of trying to coordinate complicated schedules.

EDIT: and clearly I hadn't read all the comments before replying, given that's exactly what @Polycurious_Adam said in his later post.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sounds like you were pulled in all directions. I don't know if it helps you any, FWIW...

If people want your attention? Take a number and wait in line then! You are not a magician, and you can be picky about who you let in your "line" and when/how you attend to them.

I got a text from Buttercup - she was having a rough time and wanted some emotional support.

I would have sought clarification. Like mega crisis? Or can I finish making dinner and call you later this evening?

Then Ms Fisher woke up. Now, she tends to be a little grumpy when she wakes up, and I've gotten used to that, but this time she woke up and realized her work phone was not where she left it. She lost her shit. Now, I understand why she was freaked out. She was having an anxiety attack!

People in my house have anxiety attacks. Even me. And sometimes adding more stimulus just makes it worse, even if I'm trying to help.

I will not just drop everything *I* am doing and jump in. I check in with myself to see if I can take this OTHER thing on board or not. And then I ask if they want space or they want my help.

Because honestly? Sometimes I don't feel like dealing in other people being all anxiety bear acting out doing "Grrr!" and stuff indiscriminately. It is not new in this house. There's always gonna be someone else having a thing sooner or later. So I'm not gonna get excited about each and every single one.

I kept looking, and left Buttercup waiting.

This person was already in your line before Ms. Fisher anxiety attack.

Since Ms Fisher didn't ask you for help, and it didn't seem or sound like "house on fire" level anxiety crisis?

Having accepted Buttercup in your line, I would have finished with Buttercup first, and let Ms Fisher look for her phone on her own. Then later if I was willing and able... I would have asked Ms Fisher later if she still needed help.

After about 10 minutes, she decided she needed to walk away for a minute.

So she was calming down on her own. See? You don't HAVE to help her seek her phone or help calm her.

Then Kevin sent me a text, asking if I wanted to hang out with him and his brother on Saturday.

This is not a pressing matter. At my house, we do an automatic "Thanks! Time? Date? Let me check my house obligations first and I'll get back to you."

And then I just finish making dinner and check in with the family then. Or email my spouse/kids later to sort out calendars. So it's in the hopper, but nothing pressing like THIS MINUTE. And I text or email back the friend who invited me to the thing.

In your case, could have gotten full details from Kevin, put it in the hopper, and let Ms Fisher arrive at her email when she's calmer.

Or if you have a scheduled day to yourself, go do what you want without checking in. The whole house knows that's your day already, right?

I suggested inviting my friends over, and she seemed insulted I would even ask about that. It's fine when her friends come over, because she knows them and wouldnt be stressed out by it. She actually said that! Fine.

Well, it is honest. Anxiety people get anxious about things. But you live there too. You can have times for hosting your friends.

She was determined to convince me that I wasn't thinking about her needs when I asked about Saturday. I explained my thought process several times, and when she couldn't break my logic, she took the argument to the past 11 years, during which I was not as supportive as I thought I was.

This person JUST had an anxiety attack earlier in the evening and you are gonna try to do big conversation that same night? Why?

Could be one thing at a time, with break in between. Not the never ending one thing after another.

Happy to make a new appointment to discuss past grievances and lay them to rest. But stick to the current topic at hand at the current discussion. (And what's the time limit in grievances from the past? Cuz if they weren't brought up back then, why bring them up now?)

Now I find out that any time I call her, or try to ask her something, Pete thinks I'm intentionally trying to interrupt their conversation.

Email. Then leave call interruptions for "House on fire" level things.

I think she needs to do a better job of balancing HER relationships. Should I be more considerate of Pete's time with Ms Fisher?

You sound considerate enough. And possibly true that she needs to balance her relationships. But if she's spending SO much time on the phone she's not being present in home life? That's a problem.

Again... consider email. Then you are holding up your end of the stick trying to coordinate home life and calendar. And nobody can complain that you were interrupting phone calls. And if home life moves on without her input, can't complain you didn't try to include. There's the email.

On YOUR phone usage, you could stop being so available to people and stop multitasking.

It is ok to put the phone down and NOT answer any texts while you are busy making the dinner. It is ok to just make the dinner and nothing else.

You don't have to be at the beck and call of whoever texts like the phone is a digital leash and you are being yanked hither and yon. Texts don't have to be answered right away.

It's the same thing with trying to talk to her the same night. WHY? Might be the right person, and the right place, but is this the right time so soon after a wiggins? You had to step outside to calm down too, right? Maybe it wasn't enough time for either. Adrenalin dump from stress or anxiety takes me at least 3 days to clear. ADDING more stimulus one thing after another does not help me calm down.

How about deciding to function on "Take a number. One thing at a time" and see if that works out better? Deliberately slowing down some? Blocking in some significant times for rest and recovery before attending to another new thing/new conversation? Not just like a 10 min break.

I'm losing my motivation to speak to her at all, and I don't think she understands how close she is to loosing my support entirely. If I am going to be accused of being inconsiderate no matter what I do, then I just don't feel like wasting the energy any more.

Understandable. You are burning out. Do less. And what you do choose to "let people in my line" -- spread the appointments to tend to people out some. Stop multi-tasking. Make space for rest.

I don't want to stop caring, but I don't know that that's something I can avoid through willpower alone. If my efforts to be supportive, communicative, and honest keep being met with disdain, frustration, and distrust, then those efforts will go away. She needs to find a way to better manage her time. I can't keep dealing with her delusional assumptions about my motivations, and I just don't have time for her self-righteous lectures any more.

Suggest trying something new like sending email. She can read them when ready and her calls are not interrupted. She can give input... or accept the train moves on without her and you just decide things and get on with life if no response within 48 hours.

Can't complain you did not try to communicate. There's the email! And you can skip the assumptions about motivations and lectures.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
In fact, she said very much the same thing about how my question would require time to think about it. I could have accepted that and walked away, but she wouldn't let it go all night.

Wouldn't let WHAT go?

If the anxiety hamster wheel got her stuck on something?

Could lather, rinse, repeat.

"Yes. And you said my question needs more time to think about it. So I'm giving you time and space to go think."

Galagirl
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
Since Ms Fisher didn't ask you for help, and it didn't seem or sound like "house on fire" level anxiety crisis?
It absolutely came across as a "house on fire" level thing. She was shouting and cursing at everyone. She shouted at her daughter for looking somewhere she had already herself looked. She demanded that I be the one to check the boys' room because, and I quote: "If I find it in there, I'm going to fucking kill somebody!"

That's another thing. Our son is autistic, and loves to destroy things. If someone leaves something out and it gets destroyed on her watch, it's the other person's fault for leaving it out. But when she leaves something out, and it gets destroyed on someone else's watch, then it's that person's fault for not keeping a good enough eye on our son. Either way, she responds with self-righteous rage and aggression. It's a double standard that I just don't have the patience for any more. Maybe I should just let her deal with her next crisis on her own.

Maybe I am spreading myself too thin, but I don't think she's going to like it when I tell her to take a number. She expects me to put her first, and she justifies it by citing my past faults. I'd rather we both do what's right and healthy, not spend the next ten years making up for my past inadequacies by letting her treat me the way she thinks I treated her before. She just can't seem to accept that I am trying, and I don't think she understands that I do have a limit to how much of this I can take.
 

Inaniel

Active member
In general, I agree. But the amount of time she spends on the phone with Pete means that if I just waited, I would probably be waiting for days. I'm not exaggerating. I have waited for days to ask her about something.

I see... That behavior in general seems excessive and like it’s getting in the way of things. Is the phone being used as an escape? Is it a codependency thing with the meta?

Maybe a conversation about being present for the sake of the household, kids, chores, (the business end of the relationship) is in order. If someone is zoning out of the entire relationship like that for days at a time, when the relationship demands certain responsibilities, it’s a problem.
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
Wouldn't let WHAT go?
The fact that I asked for a different arrangement for Saturday before I asked my friends to change the plans they already had and invited me to. I tried to explain to her that I was not making demands, and if she just needed time to think about it, then that's fine. She just won't be satisfied until I roll over and admit that I wasn't thinking about her priorities. I won't give out a false apology.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
The house is not actually on fire though.

My Alzheimer father does that rage-y crap. I ignore it and let natural consequences ensue.

My mother use to FREAK OUT whenver he was on a roll. I asked her why she does that when he's always having a cow. There's no such thing as "cow free" here. The best one can hope for is smaller cows, spread further apart. So no. I'm not gonna get excited about every single cow he's having.

She was shouting and cursing at everyone. She shouted at her daughter for looking somewhere she had already herself looked. She demanded that I be the one to check the boys' room because, and I quote: "If I find it in there, I'm going to fucking kill somebody!"

I don't put up with that from him. In the early years of his care I would say "Nope. I don't respond to cussing and yelling. You talk like that to me? I'm going." And I would leave.

Because if the house WERE on fire? That is what one does. You get out.

I'm the ONLY one he doesn't pull that shit on now. Which tells me that as Alzheimer-y as he is? He CAN control himself. He just likes being a bully to people. I opted out. I do not enjoy being cussed at during some temper tantrum thing.

That's another thing. Our son is autistic, and loves to destroy things. If someone leaves something out and it gets destroyed on her watch, it's the other person's fault for leaving it out. But when she leaves something out, and it gets destroyed on someone else's watch, then it's that person's fault for not keeping a good enough eye on our son. Either way, she responds with self-righteous rage and aggression. It's a double standard that I just don't have the patience for any more. Maybe I should just let her deal with her next crisis on her own.

Yup. It's not a secret son is autistic and might destroy things left out. If you are too tired? It's ok to let her deal with her next crisis on her own.
  • You put your things away? Things not destroyed.
  • She doesn't put her things away? Things might be destroyed.
  • Each person in charge of their own stuff.
At my house? I don't have time to be cleaning a million things. If you leave something on the floor and I come through with a broom? It's all going in the trash. Because if YOU can't be bothered to take your things off the floor? Clearly they are not important. So why should I spend MY time picking through things and putting away? The people RUN when I announce "Mom's doing a sweep in 15 min!" The ones that don't run? Already dealt with their stuff.

Maybe I am spreading myself too thin, but I don't think she's going to like it when I tell her to take a number.

You don't literally have to tell her to take a number. YOU organize in your head who and what you are dealing with in what order. "Ok. I have to finish X first, then this is next, then I do..."

She wants something? You can say "Ok. I can get to it at ___ o'clock."

That's either good enough for her or not. Because you have things in your line already. And if not, she can solve it.

She expects me to put her first, and she justifies it by citing my past faults.

My dad calls me a bitch who is out to steal his money and how awful I am and how I owe him and the least I can do is.... (I'm not doing any of that, it's the illness talking.)

I just agree.

"Yup. I'm so awful. Guess you are gonna ask someone else for help then. Or ask me again nicely. "

And leave it on him. Guess what happens? He either finds someone else (Win for me!) or he stops with the crap when asking me. (Win for me!)

He never apologizes and the best he can do is "FINE! How are WE going to do this ____ thing..."

Which I accept as the closest he will get. Then we move on to do the thing, because now he's not talking crap at me.

I'd rather we both do what's right and healthy, not spend the next ten years making up for my past inadequacies by letting her treat me the way she thinks I treated her before. She just can't seem to accept that I am trying, and I don't think she understands that I do have a limit to how much of this I can take.

You get to decide your limit.

You get to decide your behavior in how you respond or react to her behaviors.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
The fact that I asked for a different arrangement for Saturday before I asked my friends to change the plans they already had and invited me to. I tried to explain to her that I was not making demands, and if she just needed time to think about it, then that's fine. She just won't be satisfied until I roll over and admit that I wasn't thinking about her priorities. I won't give out a false apology.

Dude, then let the your train move on without her, and she can sit with her bee in her bonnet on her own being unsatisfied. It's not your problem.

My Dad used to be all "Well, I guess I'm not a priority to you" which is basically acting out at me with a new "Poor lil' ol' me" flavor because he thinks I should drop everything for him and he's always my #1.

I just agree. Because I don't feel like doing circle conversations with him that go round and round.

"Correct. You are not my #1. My #1 priority is MY OWN health and well being. Isn't your #1 priority your own health and well being?"
  • Cuz what's he gonna say? He doesn't care about his own self? (He's super vain and totally does)
  • He puts others first? (When his vanity wants to make himself look "generous" so he can look good.)
Either way? I'm off the hook. I just move on with my stuff. He can either join me or not.

He's also a Mr Angry Bear who loves to lecture and be all righteous. I choose to skip the lectures.

You can only control how YOU behave, react, respond.

Galagirl
 
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Polycurious_Adam

Active member
I just have to figure out how to board my own train without being callous about it. I still have to live with her, and if we do end up parting ways, I'd rather it not be in a cloud of resentment. Thank you for your advice. I can tell I'm still struggling to accept some of it, but I am trying to keep an open mind.

Ms Fisher texted me this morning to tell me that she arranged to keep her daughter through the weekend so that I could take off on Saturday. I made sure she knew that rescheduling had already been discussed, and that she still had the choice to have me there. Her replies were short, and while it's hard to read through texts, I'm pretty sure they were bitter. It's hard not to see it as a set up for a guilt trip later. I hope I'm wrong, because if she expects me to feel guilty about it, she will be sorely disappointed.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I just have to figure out how to board my own train without being callous about it. I still have to live with her, and if we do end up parting ways, I'd rather it not be in a cloud of resentment. Thank you for your advice. I can tell I'm still struggling to accept some of it, but I am trying to keep an open mind.

It is not callous for me to email the people living here "Doing groceries Friday. Tell me by Fri morning if you need stuff" and if spouse doesn't respond? I move on without him. He knows how to get groceries in person or do online orders if he missed the opportunity. There's also always a new Mom grocery run the next Friday, and he can board that one if he wants to. And the kids know the grocery trains run twice a week. With Mom on Fridays, and midweek with Dad. Pick which one you are boarding and send your list. Or live til next week!

If you end up parting ways and you don't want to be resentful because you are overdoing tasks for her? Do less so it becomes more balanced.

Start living some of your own life and stop waiting so much on her. It's not a big deal. There's always another opportunity, another train for something else coming later, right?

Ms Fisher texted me this morning to tell me that she arranged to keep her daughter through the weekend so that I could take off on Saturday. I made sure she knew that rescheduling had already been discussed, and that she still had the choice to have me there. Her replies were short, and while it's hard to read through texts, I'm pretty sure they were bitter. It's hard not to see it as a set up for a guilt trip later. I hope I'm wrong, because if she expects me to feel guilty about it, she will be sorely disappointed.

Be gracious. Say "Thanks, I appreciate it." Then get on with your plans and enjoy.

I'm pretty sure they were bitter.

Could stop guessing how she feels or doesn't feel. Not your job to fix it. If she wants to sit around in bitter stew? Go sit then. Nobody is making her but her.

Like OH NO! She lives in a shared household where people have to coordinate calendars! How terrible!

Cut yourself a break, dude. Don't be mean about it, but also don't be "on hold" forever. Let some of the trains leave the station so you can get on with your own plans and the house management.

If you already live with a certain amount of "doom cloud" here from her moods?

Skipping some tasks or being less available for you to be able to rest? Or waiting less time and then just moving on with decisions in other areas will do what? Make doom cloud? Well... so what? When there's already a certain amount of doom cloud here?

Try something new. Maybe some of the doom cloud lifts for you. Maybe you get a little more balanced living.

Galagirl
 
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icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Maybe I am spreading myself too thin, but I don't think she's going to like it when I tell her to take a number. She expects me to put her first, and she justifies it by citing my past faults. I'd rather we both do what's right and healthy, not spend the next ten years making up for my past inadequacies by letting her treat me the way she thinks I treated her before. She just can't seem to accept that I am trying, and I don't think she understands that I do have a limit to how much of this I can take.

At some point - and this was a VERY hard lesson for me to learn, tbh, so I'm not saying it's simple - people have to learn to deal with the relationship you have *now* and what you want it to look like. Ms. Fisher *cannot* hold things over your head forever and expect you to just be beaten with that stick whenever she feels like taking it out.

(I'm saying this assuming that you have worked to correct those faults - if they were faults and not incompatibilities - so situations like this are not "the same song, different verse" but just have some similarities.)
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
For a while, I tried to rely on text messages for communicating in a more asynchronous fashion, and for weeks she would not respond to anything, because she had her text notification turned down. She said that she keeps it turned up now, but she's also said that she gets so many notifications that she doesn't always check them right away. So when she's on her way to the store, and I realize that there's something else we need, I can text, and maybe not know that she missed it until she's left the store, or call, and risk pissing her off because she was on the phone with Pete. She doesn't "do" e-mail.

I told her I'm going to switch back to texting. If she can't pay attention when I do, I'll make sure she is the one who has to deal with the resulting inconvenience. I think that's fair, and that's also the kind of thing that makes me feel like I'm being petty or passive-aggressive. I guess that's just a leftover from codependent me.

At some point, she is going to have to recognize that I have changed. I hope she still likes the person I have become, because I'm not changing back.
 

Polycurious_Adam

Active member
(I'm saying this assuming that you have worked to correct those faults - if they were faults and not incompatibilities - so situations like this are not "the same song, different verse" but just have some similarities.)
I am working to correct faults. For a long time, I was trying to stay motivated by my desire for a good relationship with Ms Fisher. That well ran dry when the NRE wore off, and I became depressed, and unmotivated. I have a new found vigor for my own wants and needs now, and she keeps telling me that she sees my behavior as still inconsiderate because that's what she's seen for years. I know it will take time to prove myself as a changed man, but it will never happen if she keeps assuming that I don't think about her when I make a decision.

Maybe I'll just make her a "do not disturb" sign. If she hangs the sign, she can't complain if I make a decision without her input. I'll still consider her wants and needs, but if she complains that I didn't check with her, I won't feel bad telling her to just deal with it.

Oh, I just remembered another detail. When I got her attention to ask about Saturday, the first words out of my mouth were "if you have a minute to talk..." She acquiesced. I gave her plenty of opportunity to tell me "later." I think I'll have to remind her not to give me time if she's going to resent me for it later.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Any of those things -- the sign, asking if this is a good time to talk -- gives her plenty of "outs" if she's just not ready.

And letting the trains just move on? Fair enough.

If you text to check in and she does not see it in time? And you already did the groceries? Oh, well. You tried. She can live without til next time or do a run herself.

Same the other way. You text her a last minute thing and she doesn't see it? Oh, well. You tried. You can live without til next time or do a run.

Some of this stuff just doesn't have to be a big deal.

I have a new found vigor for my own wants and needs now, and she keeps telling me that she sees my behavior as still inconsiderate because that's what she's seen for years. I know it will take time to prove myself as a changed man, but it will never happen if she keeps assuming that I don't think about her when I make a decision.

Why do you have to "prove" anything? You can't just be a changed man and enjoy your life more?

If she's walking around with some "old glasses" picture of you? It's on her to update to the "new glasses" picture.

If she keeps telling you that she sees your behavior as inconsiderate? Point to the sign, the asking first if it is a good time to talk as examples of considerate behavior.

She wants some new ones? Awesome. What are they? You will try to meet reasonable and rational requests. You will decline unreasonable and irrational ones. You are willing to meet her half way.

But if the problem is HER OLD GLASSES? Tell her you cannot fix those. She's the only one who can change to a "new glasses picture of you" on that one. In the meanwhile? You are just gonna be here living your new life. Not being mean to her. Just stating the facts.

If the problem is you having this new life and not being codependent any more? And she misses that? Misses you dancing attendance on her and putting her first for all? And she thinks you are "inconsiderate" for changing to something healthier for yourself?

Well... miss it then. Call it inconsiderate whatever. But you just don't do that codependent stuff any more and are not going back because it is not good for your health and well being.

Galagirl
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Out of curiosity, if Ms Fisher is on the phone that much, when are you guys having time to simply be together in your relationship to take time to enjoy each other as people and romantic partners? This kinda reads like she's ignoring you until she needs help with a crisis that actually has nothing to do with you.

As for the panic attack over the lost phone, is this because of the misplacement of the physical object that could be a really expensive hassle to replace, or that the phone is her "lifeline" to Pete and she felt cut of from him/his support without it?

I get that she's in NRE with Pete and they have things in common that has created a (possibly unhealthy) bond, but poly done well means making time to nurture each relationship. I hope you can circle back around to that part rather than simply the co-parenting part.
 
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