I don't think I can change or should?


New member
They're afraid of something. Or a number of things. Potentially "others being in the way". Or otherwise "neglect concerns".

Being mono won't make those concerns "go away". Before ANYTHING ELSE address the concerns. Otherwise you're in an "unaware relationship". The most dangerous one. Technically you're already in one regardless of whatever "safe labels" are used. You love each other. Accept it. It's happened. Work together on things. Be there even there's others that matter (and let's be clear here. Others DO matter to you wherever you're poly or mono). Maybe find the value of things that aren't sex that can mean "just as much" and be "just as intimate". That way you know "others matter to both of you". No "Like X or Y" about it because you're you and they're them.

The question is can you trust yourself to be there for "everyone at once"? There can be fears from others but "show and tell" works. It's proof of your own abilities. If they doubt they DO mistrust you. Even if they claim otherwise. Accept it. It happens. People want to trust, claim too and yet don't at times. But SHOW it and there's no room for doubt beyond irrational thinking (that's a whole other can of tuna. Will also affect far more then a relationship).

It can happen if she doesn't like it. Even if she doesn't want you too. But make sure you're there for her regardless. Make sure it's fair yourself. It's how I make things work out. "I'm here for you and no one is actually in the way."

My theory is she's afraid of being in a position where she needs you at the exact same time another does. It's been presented to me by formally mono people at least. Worth asking about? My answer is "pulling a Batman and saving both Robin and the girl". I know I can have my cake and eat it too. I know I have that ability. What's more I can teach you how to do that yourself. Not a "poly/mono" thing alone. It's about "Being prepared for a situation". And if it's an UNEXPECTED situation when someone "just shows up" with you then you will want to be prepared. You're only mono until a point in time someone else is in your heart. Normally out of the blue because you didn't consider the possibility. Though of course it's perfectly possible she'll remain happiest with you alone as well. So it's worth talking about the theoretical situation of "What if it was you" (Hypothetical situations help with "not feeling forced"). It's a reassurance thing. "Treat others as you want to be treated" or something. You already KNOW that. They already know it too. But saying it out loud with each other helps and works wonders. Even if you got amazing "dr phill" traits/qualities. It drills it into both of you. Instructs. Directs. Little like knowing a weapon and having to practice anyway. Or computers. Or any other skill/talent. Don't have to "go through it" at first. But if nothing else you need to be understood and understand what they'd do if there was "another person that just showed up". Unless you want to be ignorant on that account.

The real question is if you know how to handle multiple people at once. Or if you've even asked yourself. If not then it's time to start asking. Especially if you can't help but fall for others as well.
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Well-known member
So what does that say about me and my love for her that I don't want to change?

That you aren't a doormat.

There is what I would consider to be a poison inherent in traditional romantic relationships which is the concept of sacrifice. "If I am not willing to sacrifice X, is it really TRUE love?" I don't know if this comes from Shakespeare, Greek philosophy, or what, but I'm not down with it.

I completely reject the concept that love is fundamentally coupled with sacrifice. Enslavement is fundamentally coupled with sacrifice.


Well-known member
I want to be able to be myself and to live life the way I want, life is too short. So maybe that sounds a bit selfish but I don't think I want to be held back.

In my efforts to protect our relationship and not hurt her I am not being my self. I may be holding my self back unnesersary because she has always told me I can but she'd always find it hard. It's the knowlage that she'd find it hard that puts me off. But on reflection it may be worth the risk because at the end of the day if I am not able to be myself and free maybe we'd never workout anyway? It is my aim to live my life more true to myself.

I think you need to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

It is one thing to go slow, to give her time to heal from her past, to accept that you are both on different places on the track. You are more secure in sharing love and sex with others whether it is you or her. She's not at the same place yet. That is coming to compromise.

It is another thing entirely to be shrinking yourself into a box just so she doesn't wig. That is compromising yourself and your values. There's a difference.

We were talking and she said its ok for me to find some seperate play and she has never said otherwise to be fair. This is true but I have always held of arranging a private play date because I was worried this would be too much strain on her. I have a couple of women who I have got to know a bit and would love to play with. The only thing holding me back is worries about my girlfriends reaction and lack of free time. Maybe based on our conversation and her reaffirming its ok to play alone I should just go for it?

Yes. Get on with your separate play/dates whatevers. Don't over do it like being out every single night til all hours, but get on with dating other people.

If there's a problem, expect both of you and GF to talk it out. Expect each of you to handle your own emotional management. If you are shrinking yourself from stuff just because you worry about her reaction? Who is doing that shrinking behavior? YOU. So you could stop doing that.

You don't think she can do her emotional management appropriately? How else will she learn if she doesn't do? Confidence is like a muscle -- it gets stronger with use. It doesn't just fall out of the sky. I get not overloading her, but at the same time... if you never date she's never going to have opportunity to get on with addressing her fears. Like being afraid some new woman will turn your head and you will dump her... and finding out that you date a new woman and you are still here. Nothing doom happened. THEN she can start to relax and trust you aren't going to go bananas at the drop of a hat.

The irony is she is talking about leaving me because she loves me. She hates making me feel bad for being myself. She hates that she hurts me and undermines my sense of security (which is very important to me) with all her doubt about us. She says she wants me to be with someone who truly lets me be free and doesn't hold me back. She says she don't deserve me. I hate it, she does deserve me, she is awesome and I love her so much.

If you hate it? Leave. When she goes on like that? Saying she doesn't deserve you and whatnot? I imagine that it is hard to hear and annoying to hear. Because you see she's in pain but at the same time, it's like turning the problem inward on herself and not actually SOLVING it. Then you have to spend time putting energy into that to get her back to "neutral" and then both are tired and the "original" issue doesn't get addressed.

You may have to learn to detach a bit from that. Firmly say "No. You either flat out dump me. Or you stop this behavior. If you want to talk to me, we can talk. But if you are going to sit there doing self-bullying stuff and wanting me to watch? No. I don't have to watch that." Get up and leave the room. She might not like it, but she doesn't have to like it. YOU have to be free of listening to it if you hate it. She can keep on wailing to the wall.

Accept that in that area you might not be able to help her with -- this habit of self bullying and beating up on her own self. That might be for a therapist to sort out. But neither do you have to sit there watching it go down/enabling it.

Because if she wants to dump you? Dump you then. Not drag it out into the weird.

If she doesn't want to dump you? Then why put you through listening to that garbage talk? Why put HERSELF through that garbage talk? Self bullying is not a good thing. I hope she addresses it.

So to round up our conversation I said we are not poles apart. We love each other, want each other before anything else and want to have the freedom to be our self. So let's not rush things, force things or tie our selves up constantly over thinking. Let just take it one step at a time and just let the nature of the relationship grow naturally. We are in love and what we have is so special if we can keep honest with each other and keep talking well always find a way. We also need to be tolerant and forgiving of each other and accept there will always be an error or two as we navigate this new type of relationship together. Does this sound the best strategy?

I think so. For the time being, give it a shot. Hopefully she does work on her stuff so she's less "difficult." You can be a helper, but you cannot be her "life raft" and prop her up doing ALL the work YKKWIM? Some of this stuff she's got to solve herself.

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