I dont think she's happy being polly

Hello,

I have posted on here before. Right now my primary, Liz and I are long distance, but will be reunited in about 2 weeks. I am currently seeing someone, Jason, whom will be leaving for 8 months in 3 weeks. I have been seeing Jason for about a month and a bit. I have been with Liz for 3.5 years, and we have been poly for 1.4 years. My connection with Jason is the first time either of us has had a relationship outside of the two of us.

I have two concerns. Jason and Liz have not met. I have been seeing Jason almost daily since we met since we live so close. When Liz move back, we will be living together. I am concerned about the week of overlap. I know I will be excited to see Liz but I will also want to spend time with Jason before he leaves. His primary will also be around during the overlap. (He and her are also long distance) I have met her and we get along. I may be overworrried, but I worried about Jason and Liz meeting. Liz is relatively jealous of Jason and I worry it will be awkward and tough. Any advice for when your people meet?

My other concern is more prevelant. I am worried that Liz is not happy being in a poly relationship with me. I have talked to her about how I do not want to be monogomus, and that I need autonomy in my relationships with others. She understands and accepts this but I do not think she is happy about it. She initially introduced us to poly, and we agreed to be in a polyamorus relationship-- in fact I was the reluctant one at first... But from conversations we have had I do not think she is happy. She has said that there is nothing that I can do that would make it easier on her. I have tried to get her to talk to me about it more but she is always reluctant to talk about her feelings. It can be like pulling teeth.

On the flip side I do not think I have a right to say that she is not happy. Or that she cannot be happy with me. I don't think that that is my decision to make. She has decided to stay with me. I have expressed that I care about her and our relationship and that I want to make it work. I just.... I don't know if I can make her happy. I am worried about her. I don't know....
 
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No one can "make" anyone else feel anything. Her happiness has to come from within.

Maybe her main concern was that she was apart from you (for school?) for X amount of time (a year? a semester?) and you took up with Jason and have been seeing him everyday, giddy with NRE.

Hopefully things will feel better for her once you're reunited.

As for her not wanting to talk about her feelings... well, it's super important, even mandatory, to talk about one's feelings, share them in a respectful way, and really HEAR the other person's words as well. Poly is much more complicated than monogamy, you can't go on auto pilot. Especially when you're new to it. Especially when you're 21 and are still getting to know yourself, much less your partner, your metamour and your metamour's other partner!

I don't know if it is necessary for her to meet this Jason you've only been seeing for one month, who will be now leaving for 8 months. If she doesn't want to, that is her choice.
 
Maybe her main concern was that she was apart from you (for school?) for X amount of time (a year? a semester?) and you took up with Jason and have been seeing him everyday, giddy with NRE.

I don't know if it is necessary for her to meet this Jason you've only been seeing for one month, who will be now leaving for 8 months. If she doesn't want to, that is her choice.

We have been apart about 7 months.

It would be hard for them not to meet logisticaly I think... But this is true. I could ask her if she prefer not to meet him.
 
I am sorry you continue to deal in this.

I may be overworrried, but I worried about Jason and Liz meeting. Liz is relatively jealous of Jason and I worry it will be awkward and tough. Any advice for when your people meet?


You can invite them both. If they both accept?

Keep it short and on neutral ground. Like go for 15-20 min coffee at the bookstore and that's it. If anyone needs a time out, they can go look at books.

If one or the other doesn't want to right now? Let it go.

I have talked to her about how I do not want to be monogomus, and that I need autonomy in my relationships with others. She understands and accepts this but I do not think she is happy about it.

Are you saying you believe Liz is unhappy and witholding information? Doing lies of omission about her emotional state and/or her needs? You are not a mind reader.

If you think she's sticking around NOT because she is joyous to be here but because she doesn't want to break up? You can ask her to clarify.

"I wonder if you are sticking around not because you are joyful to be here but because you don't want to break up. Do I think wrong?"

If she is in the habit of being dishonest with you? You make the call then with the info you have at this point in time even if incomplete. You gave opportunity for her to put her data on board. She declined to participate. The train has to leave the station -- YKWIM?

You are not her bandaid or her life raft. If you as the hinge see that it is better for both and for her to let this go and move on? So she can be free to seek what DOES bring her happiness?

Then you break up as kindly as possible. With regrets even, but on firmer ground.

You taking on “cling ons” is not good for either of you. Lingering in this wonky neither here nor there space is not good for either of you.

"Relationship" implies there's some back and forth relating. If you are talking to a wall, it's hard to sustain a one sided relationship.

She is not meeting your need for connection/responsiveness.

Galagirl
 
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It doesn't really matter if she's happy about it or not as long as she accepts your boundaries. She can choose to continue a polyamorus relationship with you or choose to move on.

If they want to meet introduce them, if not then that week overlap you guys will all have to work out a schedule
 
Hi Jay,

Re (from OP):
"Any advice for when your people meet?"

I suppose I'd be inclined to keep it light at first. That is, don't have Liz and Jason spend a lot of time with each other at first. Just meet for lunch or coffee, then maybe they can see each other in passing now and then, but don't try to do stuff like watching movies together ... unless Liz and Jason both want to!

Re:
"I do not think I have a right to say that she is not happy. Or that she cannot be happy with me. I don't think that that is my decision to make. She has decided to stay with me."

Exactly. Trust her to tend to her own stuff, and to notify you if she wants something to change, or wants some particular kind of help. For now she is giving you the green light, even if she is doing it with a scrunched-up look on her face. You can be careful but not over-sheltering. Trust her judgment about herself and her own life.

Of course there is no guarantee that everything will work out. In life, we have to play the odds. In this case, you have to ask yourself how often you can ask Liz how she's doing without becoming an irritant to Liz. Don't ask her all the time, obviously.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
If I were you, I'd treat that one-week overlap as a celebration - a time to welcome Liz back home and a time to express appreciation for a what you have with Jason, whom you will not be seeing for a long while. Use the week to count your blessings and let them know the gratitude you feel for having both of them in your life. I would tell them both how much they each mean to you and that you'd like them to get to know each other a little bit before Jason leaves. I would do a private celebration with Liz on her first night back, a private send-off with Jason on his last night before leaving, and have a little party with both of them sometime in the middle. Invite some friends who know Liz and some who know Jason, and make it lighthearted and fun.
 
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