When I was a child, my mother converted to Islam. She married a Libyan man and we moved to Libya when I was 6 or 7. I lived there until I was 20, when I returned to Oklahoma to go to college, and have been on my own for the past two decades of my life.
Libya is a Muslim majority country, and I was raised as a Muslim. My entire family is Muslim, and religion had a strong presence in society. It was taught in school. I don't know how to explain it best. It wasn't at the level of religious fundamentalism stereotypically associated with places like Saudi Arabia or Iran; women were not forced to wear Hijabs or Burkas and many had a presence in the public sphere. But it was still very sexually repressive compared to the Western world. Sex only in marriage was heavily emphasized, and there were severe consequences for girls and women if it became known that they have been sexually active or were not virgins. In Libya, social interactions between unrelated males and females was extremely limited. For instance, houses typically had separate guest rooms for men and women. By the time I was a pre-teen, it was customary when visiting friends that only males would be in a space together, while at most a woman might appear briefly to hand off meals or beverages. By seventh grades, boys and girls went to separate schools. In college, spending time with women, even in a strictly platonic sense, was an entirely new experience for me.
Likely because of my autism, I took religious commandments very seriously back then; so I kept the "courtship and marriage" mindset even while I was in college. That, coupled with my subpar social skills, likely scared women away from wanting to date me. I know I wasn't just a creep because plenty of women enjoyed spending time with me as a friend. I didn't date or sleep with anyone for the first three years of college. Then I met my ex-fiancé. I didn't know how to recognize the red flags back then, but she turned out to be a psychologically abusive narcissist who targeted me particularly because of my vulnerability.
I had one friend I met earl on. She was very attractive, but I never considered her as a potential partner because she didn't fit the religion-distorted mindset I had at the time. She was black and Jewish, promiscuous, and seemed to suffer from what is likely borderline personality disorder. She never seemed interested in me sexually either. But I remember her occasionally saying things that might have been trying to get my attention. Like when we were watching Beverly Hillbillies, when Lea Thompson said a penis is hard to find, my friend said that is true. She also once asked me if I'd shoot her in lingerie for a modeling portfolio. Anyway, I wonder in hindsight if I would or should have perused a casual sexual relationship with her. But that wasn't my mindset back then.
After becoming an atheist, my position on "sexual morality" has completely changed. I know believe that pre-marital sex, promiscuity, polyamory, homosexuality, pornography and voyeurism, and sex work are all completely fine so long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and takes responsibility to stay safe. But I feel like I missed out on so much when I was younger because of all the religious garbage filling my head at the time. I worry that its too late to have an adventurous sex life in my 40s when I'm overweight and have a hernia. I constantly feel so swamped either by work, job searching, doctor appointments, and all the hoops I'm having to jump through to get disability benefits. Plus I never have money to go out and do much. And I don't mind a partner over 40, but I was never with a younger woman I was younger and I feel I've already missed out on that ever happening.
Libya is a Muslim majority country, and I was raised as a Muslim. My entire family is Muslim, and religion had a strong presence in society. It was taught in school. I don't know how to explain it best. It wasn't at the level of religious fundamentalism stereotypically associated with places like Saudi Arabia or Iran; women were not forced to wear Hijabs or Burkas and many had a presence in the public sphere. But it was still very sexually repressive compared to the Western world. Sex only in marriage was heavily emphasized, and there were severe consequences for girls and women if it became known that they have been sexually active or were not virgins. In Libya, social interactions between unrelated males and females was extremely limited. For instance, houses typically had separate guest rooms for men and women. By the time I was a pre-teen, it was customary when visiting friends that only males would be in a space together, while at most a woman might appear briefly to hand off meals or beverages. By seventh grades, boys and girls went to separate schools. In college, spending time with women, even in a strictly platonic sense, was an entirely new experience for me.
Likely because of my autism, I took religious commandments very seriously back then; so I kept the "courtship and marriage" mindset even while I was in college. That, coupled with my subpar social skills, likely scared women away from wanting to date me. I know I wasn't just a creep because plenty of women enjoyed spending time with me as a friend. I didn't date or sleep with anyone for the first three years of college. Then I met my ex-fiancé. I didn't know how to recognize the red flags back then, but she turned out to be a psychologically abusive narcissist who targeted me particularly because of my vulnerability.
I had one friend I met earl on. She was very attractive, but I never considered her as a potential partner because she didn't fit the religion-distorted mindset I had at the time. She was black and Jewish, promiscuous, and seemed to suffer from what is likely borderline personality disorder. She never seemed interested in me sexually either. But I remember her occasionally saying things that might have been trying to get my attention. Like when we were watching Beverly Hillbillies, when Lea Thompson said a penis is hard to find, my friend said that is true. She also once asked me if I'd shoot her in lingerie for a modeling portfolio. Anyway, I wonder in hindsight if I would or should have perused a casual sexual relationship with her. But that wasn't my mindset back then.
After becoming an atheist, my position on "sexual morality" has completely changed. I know believe that pre-marital sex, promiscuity, polyamory, homosexuality, pornography and voyeurism, and sex work are all completely fine so long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and takes responsibility to stay safe. But I feel like I missed out on so much when I was younger because of all the religious garbage filling my head at the time. I worry that its too late to have an adventurous sex life in my 40s when I'm overweight and have a hernia. I constantly feel so swamped either by work, job searching, doctor appointments, and all the hoops I'm having to jump through to get disability benefits. Plus I never have money to go out and do much. And I don't mind a partner over 40, but I was never with a younger woman I was younger and I feel I've already missed out on that ever happening.
