I love them both... New and need help

I

Ilove2men

New member
Hi All,

Please excuse me ahead of time if this post becomes long-winded. Much thanks for any and all advice.

My situation is complicated. I have been with my fiance for over 6 years now, and we have a 4-year-old daughter. We have had a rocky relationship which stemmed from his battle with addiction. He has been sober for 2 years now, but it has left me scarred. I love him dearly and he is a wonderful partner and father. I have mentioned from time to time my interest in having more than one partner and that convo has never gone more than a couple of sentences. He seems to shrivel up when the words leave my mouth. So I gave that up a long time ago and have tried my best to fit into monogamy.

Here is where things get really complicated. When I was 13 I met this boy at a church event. He lived out of state and I only saw him once. I asked his sister for his number and she gave me his address. I mailed him a letter and after he received it we talked on the phone daily. We became best friends and I loved him dearly. Then I moved to the opposite side of the country.

3 years later, after we'd been talking daily for hours, he emailed me and confessed that he was in love with me. After the rough childhood I had, he was the only person in the world I had. Though I was in love with him as well, I was too scared of losing him to go any further than friendship.

I lied and told him I did not love him in that way. He was family to me. He said that he would always be my friend and that I would never lose him.I spoke with him once after that.

Several dramatic things transpired in both of our lives and we lost all possible contact, but for years I have tried to seek him out. On the web, white pages, etc., with no luck. I have never stopped loving him, but I only sought his friendship.

Last year I finally made contact with him. He was married and had a daughter with the same name as mine. He told me that he vaguely remembered me. When he spoke those words it crushed me. I held him to such a high esteem and he didn't even know who I was. He told me to email pics of my daughter so we could swap pictures. I never did.

Fast forward-- a year later he finds me on Facebook. We messaged on there for a while and then I had to make my confession about his email almost 10 years ago.

One thing has lead to another. It has all happened so fast. He left his wife. She stole his daughter and he is in the process of getting a divorce and fighting for custody. I pleaded with him not to divorce her for me and he promised he wasn't. He said he hasn't been happy with her for years (apparently she has some psychological issues) and it was time.

A few weekends ago, we met up. Initially I was going to stay the night. My time with him was amazing. It was pure bliss to see him for just the second time in my life. Then, when it was time to go back to his place, I froze. I couldn't go through with it. It felt dirty. I do not want him as an affair or a lover. I love him and I did not want to tarnish that love. And another side of me... I could not betray my fiance. I told my friend that I couldn't and that I had to go.

After that, I went into a spiral of who, what, why. What is wrong with me? I have a great fiance. My friend is the love of my life. Who do I love more? Why can I not choose between the two?

I have been a mess. My fiance and I have been sleeping separately since before I went to meet my friend. I feel like if I do anything with either of them I am betraying the other. I have finally come to the conclusion that I love them both for different reasons. They bring two different aspects of life to me. I cannot imagine life without either of them. I will never be able to choose between them because I need them both.

I confessed this to my best friend today. He said I am wrong, that he knows how much I love him. We talked some more and he said if I love my fiance half as much as I love him, then to choose him. For me and my daughter he will step aside and make the choice for me.

He asked me to tell him what it was that I wanted. I told him I dared not even ask. He asked again. I told him, "I want you both. I love you both."

He asked, "How that would work? Tell me exactly what you'd want, if you could have it."

I said, "I want you two to know each other. I don't want any secrets or betrayal, because my love for both is too pure to ever be tarnished in that way." I said "I would live here. You can still live there and I would come to you every other weekend and talk as much as possible."

He said he was too greedy to share me and that he could not.

We are meeting Saturday morning for one last time. Right before we hung up, he told me he wished he had it in him to try poly. By the sound in his voice, I knew he might be considering it.

My question is, if, after a lot of thought, my friend decides that he might be able to try this, how do I bring this up to my fiance? He is desperate to get back in our bed, desperate to have me back. I do not want to use his desperation against him and get him to agree to something that he cannot handle. I don't want to force either one of them. But I know that if I cannot have both, I must leave both, because my heart will break for the one I don't choose.

How could I seek comfort in one for the hurt I feel of losing the other? I feel like it would be fairer for both of them to release them both to find a girl who only has enough room in her heart for one man.

Any and all advice and or observations are much needed. Speak truthfully please. Am I delusional? Am I being totally selfish here? Or is this a possibility?
 
Go for it

I am in a V. I have been married for 10 years and have been with my partner for 7 years. What an amazing journey it has been. I believe that you can love more than one person. For us, we all have a mutual respect and love for each other. The two men are not sexual with each other, but they are best friends. We all bring different things to the table and it just works.

We have had our share of bumps in the road and I'm sure we have more ahead. But what relationship doesn't? My advice to you would be that all three of you need to be into the situation or it won't work. All three of you need to always think of the other people. Also, jealousy can't be in the equation or you will drive each other crazy.

This situation is definitely not for everyone, but with the right three people it can be very fulfilling, for sure. I would be happy to share more of my experiences with you.
 
I would love to hear your experiences (anything and everything you think I should know). How did you bring it up initially? I worry my fiance will think this is a sexual desire and not that I love both.
 
I think that you are right to consider you may have to move on from both of them. If you cannot choose, and they are not happy with being in a poly relationship, then it will be miserable for everyone involved to stay.

I know you can love two people. I never thought so before, but like you said, I get very different needs met from my partners.

I wish you luck. I don't have much advice. I do think you're right to be concerned about your fiance wanting to do it to make you happy, when it's not something he's really comfortable with.

I'd do some online research and show it to your fiance and your best friend. That might be the easiest way for them to understand.
 
A little update. I talked to my friend for hours last night. His emotions and thoughts were all over the place.

First, he begged me not to tell my fiance and to choose the life I have with my fiance. He's worried for me and does not want me to ache any more than I already do.

He spoke to his roommates about the situation. He said that they said I was insane and to run in the other direction. When I made no response, he said they have little effect on what he thinks and feels. He just needed to speak the words.

As the conversation continued, he started asking more and more questions about poly, about what the dynamics of our relationships would be, and if he would be allowed to have another girlfriend. He was genuinely considering. Yet at the same time he said he could not do it.

I answered his questions as best I could, but with me really not knowing how to even bridge the gap between the two, or how to even bring up the subject to my fiance, I am kinda grasping at air right now.

Any suggestions for websites or books on poly?
 
Hi,

This is not a new answer to this question, but my thoughts on this are unchanged.

First, figure out exactly what you are looking for and work on vocalizing it. I suggest writing your thoughts on paper so you can read them and see if it makes sense. Be specific if this is a want or a need. If you don't get a want, you probably won't die or end up doing something that will jeopardize your relationship. If you deny a need, however, you may end up unhealthy and not fulfilled in life, which is a form of death, in my opinion.

Identify what you think you will get out of having both of them in your life.

Look for positives that your fiance will get out of it, other than seeing you get what you want and being happy. This is the hardest point, in my humble opinion.

Clarity, clarity, clarity. Don't leave your fiance or friend guessing or confused. Be 100-percent honest. Don't try to put a good spin on things for their sakes. Get it out very precisely so you can begin the work and move away from defining what you are trying to say.

Hopefully this helps a little.

Take care,
Mono
 
I hope you don't mind, I will be thinking out loud here. Feel free to comment.

My fiance is family. He is my lifetime companion. We are totally opposite, yet fit perfectly together. By day I am his protector. I am the head of our household. I am strong and guarded. I have him to thank for this role. It is his addiction that gave me no choice but to find this strong woman that was hidden inside me. I am truly thankful to him have grown because of him.

By night, he is my protector. I am weak and fragile in his arms. He rewards me for all of my hard work, with love and understanding, and he wants to serve me in any way he possibly can. I cannot speak of something, then do it myself, because he so much wants to do it all for me.

We take care of each other because we are family. I cannot be without my family.

My friend is my soulmate. We have always had an intellectual connection. He is my best friend, the one person in the world I trust with all the crazy thoughts that pop into my head. I am not able to have my guard up around him. I am exposed to him like no one has ever been before. In his eyes, nothing I do is wrong, because he knows that even when I make mistakes, my intentions where always pure-hearted. He wants to be my protector. He makes me so happy in every way. Our bond will never be broken even if we go our separate ways.

I know that I would not roll over and die if I lost either one of them, physically. But at the thought of being without either, the world spins around me and my heart hurts. I would not be the same without both of them. I need them.

I will continue my thoughts in a few. I need a break from the emotions for a sec.
 
Ilove2men said:
I will think out loud here.
Click to expand...

Wow. Very nice testimony about both of them. Beautifully put.

OP, unfortunately, you'll probably have to get down to the little details when explaining it. The word "sex" and how that is involved will come up. Don't sugarcoat your responses if you broach this topic.

I feel for you, because I believe you truly love both of them for what they bring to your life.
 
I decided that today I was going to stand my ground on what I felt, and not be swayed, and accept that they would do the same. So when my friend began texting me, I made sure not to bring up the topic. He started the conversation. We spoke openly and honestly.

He said he would be okay with it, was willing try it out if my fiance would come on board. We had a detailed conversation about the dynamics we would want.

I asked him if he would want another partner. He said that he wanted no one but me on a serious level because he loves only me, but that he might have a fling from time to time. He would always tell me and not hide it.

This stung me a little, but I have to be open. It's just that I want love, not flings. I basically said that it was his choice. All I asked was that it not be done out of anger or hurt, jealousy or bitterness.

Besides the fling comment, the conversation went better than I'd ever hoped for. We spoke in great detail, with no sugarcoating. That's how it is with him. I wants the hard truth always. He even talked about how he and my fiance might need a few guy nights first, to get to know each other and maybe become a little more comfortable with the situation.

I am in shock right now. I can't believe how great he sounded talking about it. He said there was no way he could be without me and he would do his best to make it work. He is concerned about how my fiance will take the news. He told me to go easy on him.

So my next question is, what are the benefits to my fiance? Please give me some input on this one.

- He will have me back, fully back, to myself. My heart will no longer be heavy and I can open myself up to him instead of hiding from him.
- He will get to come back to our bed.
- We can continue to enjoy the life we have built together.
- He will meet the other most wonderful man in the world and possibly gain a great friend and someone to confide in when it comes to me, or anything else, for that matter.
- He will get time away from me to just be himself, and that, with or without my friend, is something that he truly needs. (He hates not being there to take care of me. When he goes to his friend's he calls often to check on me, to ask me if I need anything. I am always fine, but in his head he is just doing his job.) In this situation, if they gain each other's trust, he will know I am safe and well-taken care of and he can truly enjoy and embrace his alone time.

That's as far as I've gotten with that one. I know it's different in every relationship, but everything is just hypothetical at this point. Please feel free to open my eyes to what I may have missed.

After I have figured out his benefits, what will the next question be? I'm thinking... How do you even start this convo? I worry that right away he will feel betrayed because I am already in love. Idk. More help, please!
 
I know I'm getting ahead of myself, but you will also need to discuss safer sex with your potential other and your husband. He's mentioned flings and in essence your husband will be sleeping with everyone he does, as will you. These are the gritty details of non-monogamy of any kind.

As far as how to broach it, I'm sure others will have insight. There are a lot of threads on here about that already.

Good luck,
Mono
 
I thought of the safe sex issue as soon as he said it. I already know we will use protection because of that.

I really don't like the fling thing. We will have to discuss it further. It's not about him being with others; it's the strangers coming in and out of our lives that I don't like. I will never meet them. I will gain no friendship from them. It's just meaningless sex, something I am not into. If anything, I would rather he find someone who will accept me, as well.

I think I need to speak more with him about this. There were some jokes made here and there by both of us. I need a little clarity on this one.
 
There is always lots of work if you are looking for sustainability, but it can be worth it if everyone is honest with themselves and committed to each other.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
There is always lots of work if you are looking for sustainability, but it can be worth it if everyone is honest with themselves and committed to each other.
Click to expand...

Mono is right. Particularly because this concept is starting with you, and neither of your partners had expected a poly relationship, you will undoubtedly have more work in terms of making sure they both feel their needs are met and that you don't favor one over the other. The balance will be your most challenging task.

However, I think you've done an excellent job of figuring out the different needs they meet for you. In fact, it was so moving, I'm considering writing something like it about my partners.

I don't doubt you love them both. There was a time when I didn't think that possible, but I have learned differently, firsthand.

Would you be open to either of them having a serious emotional commitment to someone else? It sounds like you would be, at least with your friend.

I totally understand how you feel about flings. I have a friend and she and her husband were swingers. He wound up having an affair with the girl they normally did this with, and she was crushed. Needless to say, it stopped her willingness to swing.

When I told her about our triad, she was really supportive, but said that the emotional connection would be a real issue for her. I said that I was exactly the opposite. I couldn't handle it if there weren't an emotional connection. So, you need to analyze your feelings on that. If he's asking for permission to sleep around and that would upset you, then that's not good. If he's asking for the freedom to pursue other committed relationships, then it sounds like that is something you are open to and okay with, at least in theory.
 
More updates and what not

I have continued to talk openly with my friend. He has made his final decision to see if this will work. He said that he can't make any promises, as of yet, that he will be able to handle it and continue. But he is open to the possibility of this actually working out. He said currently he is only agreeing so that he can have time with me, but if he cannot handle it he will say so. I am so grateful to him for being so open-minded about this. He also understands that our communication will be limited for the time being while I approach my fiance about this.

The plan is to tell my fiance on Saturday. He is in pain and confused as to what our future is. We have been sleeping separately for almost 2 months now. He has seen the transitions and emotions I have been going through, but he hasn't even asked. It got so bad. I didn't want to believe what my heart was telling me. I crumbled and just wanted to die, rather than think that I could be such a monster. He saw my angst, and now he is witnessing the clouds parting, but he still doesn't know why. I will have to do a lot of damage control with him. He will be the harder one to convince. All I can do is pour my heart out to him, and once the shock begins to subdue hopefully he will want to discuss the possibilities.

I am feeling more open to my friend having another partner if this goes well. Being that he lives out of state and that my time with him in person would be every other weekend, I worry about his loneliness. He may need another companion. My only thing about that is she must know about the situation and accept me as part of his life. We will be a package deal.

With my fiance... not so much. Mainly because I have spoken with him before about bringing other women in and he absolutely did not want to have sex or be involved with anyone but me. I believe him to be very mono and I rather like that about him. If in time he were to change his opinion on the topic, I would be open to discussing the possibilities of that.

Mono, I told my friend about you in hopes that he would contact you to get a little insight, given that you two will basically be in the same position. But he said he didn't need to at this point. However, would you mind telling me what do you get out of your relationship? What are your benefits? What are some things that have troubled you?
 
I guess I won't be needing your advice anymore, Mono.

My friend has taken back everything and canceled our meeting tomorrow. He said he was cutting off his phone for the day because he needs to pull himself together and will call me tonight. This still doesn't change the fact that I need to tell my fiance. I think my initial fear of having to lose them both was correct. I am shattered. How could I have wanted the impossible? I have only caused hurt with every emotion I have felt. That was never my intention.
 
This thread has turned into a diary of sorts

My friend told me to let him know how the conversation with my fiance goes. What a rollercoaster this is. Ups and downs, yeses and nos. Anywho, since tomorrow has been canceled, my daughter is sleeping over at her grandmother's tonight so we can talk. I have no clue what the outcome of any of this will be. It is terrifying.
 
You're at a difficult point, trying to figure out what will or will not work out for all of you. Have faith in what you already have with the two of them. Things always have a way of working themself out. This is not a "typical" situation and can be hard for anyone, even the people in the situation, to wrap their head around. Remember, this is only a point in time and you may be on a new journey! When has change ever been bad?:)
 
Thank you, pokey. It is extremely scary, yet extremely exciting, as well.

I came across a poem from the 1600s I thought was perfect.

I

How strong does my passion flow,
Divided equally twixt two?
Damon had ne'er subdued my heart
Had not Alexis took his part;
Nor could Alexis powerful prove,
Without my Damon's aid, to gain my love.

II

When my Alexis present is,
Then I for Damon sigh and mourn;
But when Alexis I do miss,
Damon gains nothing but my scorn.
But if it chance they both are by,
For both alike I languish, sigh, and die.

III

Cure then, thou mighty winged god,
This restless fever in my blood;
One golden-pointed dart take back:
But which, O Cupid, wilt thou take?
If Damon's, all my hopes are crossed;
Or that of my Alexis, I am lost.
 
I've always loved that poem. The anguish she feels is as evident as yours. I know you don't want to hurt either of them, but I know you long for them both.

Good luck. I hope your fiance will hear you out and give you the chance to say what you need to.
 
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