well me and my wife have been together for ten years now. We have two children together. About a year ago she told me she still had feelings for an old boy friend from high school. I am normaly not jelious so i had no problem letting her talk to him. now two weeks ago she decieded to fly a 1000 miles to see him. I have never cheated on her, and she has never cheated on me, but I know they have been spending nights together becouse she told me so. All I do is lay awake at night hateing myself for letting her go. The thought of her holding him kills me. I dont know if I will ever be the same. She told me about this web site and told me this is how she feels and how she wants to be. I am not , but I am not comfertable with it. She is telling me everything will be fine, but I dont see how.I dont want to loss my wife and family. If anyone has any advice I would appretiate it.
i need help
- Thread starter hurt
- Start date
foxflame88
New member
Educate yourself about polyamory, if that's what she wants to persue. But don't be afraid to talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel about it too. By learning more, it may calm your fears a bit. Good luck, hopefully you can reach an agreement that works for both of you.
Breathesgirl
New member
www.xeromag.com
http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/
Xeromag is a totally awesome site with loads of info & quite often he puts a humorous twist on things to help alleviate pressure and make us laugh
.
The Misanthrope site is good too. She has lots of good advice but with a snarky attitude rather than a humorous one.
Both of them will suggest talking to your wife about how you're feeling. Use 'I' statements rather than accusatory 'you' statements. (I feel this way rather than You made me feel this way).
Stop blaming yourself & don't blame her.
http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/
Xeromag is a totally awesome site with loads of info & quite often he puts a humorous twist on things to help alleviate pressure and make us laugh
.The Misanthrope site is good too. She has lots of good advice but with a snarky attitude rather than a humorous one.
Both of them will suggest talking to your wife about how you're feeling. Use 'I' statements rather than accusatory 'you' statements. (I feel this way rather than You made me feel this way).
Stop blaming yourself & don't blame her.
sage
New member
Welcome, you have come to a very good place, but you are in for an emotional roller coaster ride. I don't think there is anyway around that and polyamory is not something you get to grips with right away. It takes months if not years.
By what you have described I don't think your wife has handled it very well. If I'm reading your post correctly it sounds like she has just taken off to be with this guy and from a distance told you she wants to have him in her life and that she is sleeping with him? Polyamory is about loving more than one person, I don't think she has treated you in a very loving manner and you have a right to some anger.
I am mono and my partner is poly. We started really having some success in working through this dynamic when I started negotiating with him about what is acceptable to me at any given time. His secondary lives a plane flight away too and he would go and stay with her for a four or five days. It was too much. Like you I would be driven mad thinking of them in each others arms. The fact that he was not here made me continually aware that he was there with her and it was painful. As a result he is going to start with spending just one night with her at a time. When I feel better about it they can look at increasing it.
Polyamory only works if all parties are prepared to work together with great love and awareness. There are some links floating around to some really good articles on jealousy that really helped me. If anyone knows what I'm talking about it might be good to put them in a sticky. Even if you weren't a jealous person before the chances are you will be now.
Take care of yourself.
Smiles
Sage
By what you have described I don't think your wife has handled it very well. If I'm reading your post correctly it sounds like she has just taken off to be with this guy and from a distance told you she wants to have him in her life and that she is sleeping with him? Polyamory is about loving more than one person, I don't think she has treated you in a very loving manner and you have a right to some anger.
I am mono and my partner is poly. We started really having some success in working through this dynamic when I started negotiating with him about what is acceptable to me at any given time. His secondary lives a plane flight away too and he would go and stay with her for a four or five days. It was too much. Like you I would be driven mad thinking of them in each others arms. The fact that he was not here made me continually aware that he was there with her and it was painful. As a result he is going to start with spending just one night with her at a time. When I feel better about it they can look at increasing it.
Polyamory only works if all parties are prepared to work together with great love and awareness. There are some links floating around to some really good articles on jealousy that really helped me. If anyone knows what I'm talking about it might be good to put them in a sticky. Even if you weren't a jealous person before the chances are you will be now.
Take care of yourself.
Smiles
Sage
I completely relate to you on this. My husband flew off to see an old girlfriend, after proclaiming himself to be poly. I did a lot of things recommended to me, I read about polyamory, got lots of support from a counselor, planned fun things for myself for the weekend he was away, but I really got fearful when some of the communication agreements we made did not happen.
Now I am wondering if I can tolerate any more visits. They seem to think everything is fine, but I feel very left out, despite the texts she sends me, wishing me well and sending me photos of her kids.
I am not sure how this will go, but I sure to understand how you feel.
Now I am wondering if I can tolerate any more visits. They seem to think everything is fine, but I feel very left out, despite the texts she sends me, wishing me well and sending me photos of her kids.
I am not sure how this will go, but I sure to understand how you feel.
dancingalone
New member
It does sound a serious breach of communication. Perhaps the two of you need to sit down before anything else goes on and figure out some rules of engagement. Let her know, gently, without accusation, what you went through, so the two of you can figure out what you need to avoid it in the future. And try not to beat yourself up either about the jealousy. The green-eyed montster bites everyone over something, just figure out why you got bit and see what you can do to avoid it. You feel how you feel. I hope you guys can work it out without anymore hurt. Hire a baby sitter and turn off the t.v. and talk about all of it. Maybe consider talking to the old boyfriend yourself. Hope this helps, and I hope it works out well for all of you.
redpepper
Active member
Everyone has said some really great things here. I think it could be very beneficial to talk to the guy she is going to visit. He needs to know you are real and that he is not the center of her world. You are. Your kids are. There is nothing more of a reality check than meeting a primary and the kids. It brings that NRE to a grinding halt and everything becomes desperately clear for that time... I'm sure he and she will catch on quickly as to if their relationship is worth pursuing when they add you to the mix in their communication...
I suggest also that he come to the two of you... you could offer to pay for some or even all of his airfare, just for the pleasure of his company. I really think that this would add the additional reality check for them and help put it all into perspective. He could stay at a hotel, or you could set him up at a friends place and then they could have dates everyday and take it at the pace it should go at.... which it SLOWLY!
If it were me, I would be very firm with this and explain that the way they are planning is putting your marriage in jeopardy and that is unacceptable for you. You are part of this arrangement, whether they like it or not as YOU are the primary (to me if there are children involved, there needs to be a primary couple). You will have to stand firm and remember that the pace should be based on how you feel, not them. It's okay to back down and say, "actually sweetie, I'm not okay with you going to him... I would feel better if you stay here and give it more time or have him come to us." It's okay to change your mind...
keep talking, keep reading, keep asking questions and STAY STRONG. She is in lala land with her new love (NRE-New Relationship Energy), she is not necessarily going to make the best decisions for her family, she is not necessarily going to think of your best emotional interest, she is not necessarily going to think of anything but herself.... you need to do that for her and keep her in check with it all. At the same time you will have to be willing to give, but not at the expense of your mental health and to the detriment of your family. You come first and so do they.... she might of forgotten that.
I suggest also that he come to the two of you... you could offer to pay for some or even all of his airfare, just for the pleasure of his company. I really think that this would add the additional reality check for them and help put it all into perspective. He could stay at a hotel, or you could set him up at a friends place and then they could have dates everyday and take it at the pace it should go at.... which it SLOWLY!
If it were me, I would be very firm with this and explain that the way they are planning is putting your marriage in jeopardy and that is unacceptable for you. You are part of this arrangement, whether they like it or not as YOU are the primary (to me if there are children involved, there needs to be a primary couple). You will have to stand firm and remember that the pace should be based on how you feel, not them. It's okay to back down and say, "actually sweetie, I'm not okay with you going to him... I would feel better if you stay here and give it more time or have him come to us." It's okay to change your mind...
keep talking, keep reading, keep asking questions and STAY STRONG. She is in lala land with her new love (NRE-New Relationship Energy), she is not necessarily going to make the best decisions for her family, she is not necessarily going to think of your best emotional interest, she is not necessarily going to think of anything but herself.... you need to do that for her and keep her in check with it all. At the same time you will have to be willing to give, but not at the expense of your mental health and to the detriment of your family. You come first and so do they.... she might of forgotten that.
Dear hurt,
I can relate. And while that doesn't help your situation directly, I think seeing the number of replies from people who let you know that we feel/felt the same way can make you feel not so alone.
You mention 'cheating'. Is that how you view it? You say you didn't mind her talking to him, but did you agree to her flying to see him. What was that discussion like? Was there any talk of what her expectations were for meeting him? Platonic? Hoping for more? Knowing there would be more?
Your talk of 'cheating' makes me guess that you thought she would not become intimate with him without checking with you first. How would she classify it?
In some ways, I like what redpepper said. I like how redpepper described the situation and what *should* be done. A LOT. (although personally, I wouldn't pay for his flight - if he wants to have a relationship with my wife, make some effort buddy)
**And it annoys me that the burden has to be put on the original mono primary partner.**
So she found someone else to love and take as a lover. Great. Wonderful. But hey, there's still this guy sitting at home that you've been married to for 10 years and have kids with that *wants* to be with just you. Wants to be with someone who *wants* to be with just him. Doesn't want to have to think about her wife being intimate with another man. It seems too easy to chalk certain unintentionally hurtful things up to NRE. It still hurts.
I think your screen name is appropriate.
I hope you find a path through this. There are plenty of success stories and I truly hope yours can become one.
-DW
I can relate. And while that doesn't help your situation directly, I think seeing the number of replies from people who let you know that we feel/felt the same way can make you feel not so alone.
You mention 'cheating'. Is that how you view it? You say you didn't mind her talking to him, but did you agree to her flying to see him. What was that discussion like? Was there any talk of what her expectations were for meeting him? Platonic? Hoping for more? Knowing there would be more?
Your talk of 'cheating' makes me guess that you thought she would not become intimate with him without checking with you first. How would she classify it?
In some ways, I like what redpepper said. I like how redpepper described the situation and what *should* be done. A LOT. (although personally, I wouldn't pay for his flight - if he wants to have a relationship with my wife, make some effort buddy)
**And it annoys me that the burden has to be put on the original mono primary partner.**
So she found someone else to love and take as a lover. Great. Wonderful. But hey, there's still this guy sitting at home that you've been married to for 10 years and have kids with that *wants* to be with just you. Wants to be with someone who *wants* to be with just him. Doesn't want to have to think about her wife being intimate with another man. It seems too easy to chalk certain unintentionally hurtful things up to NRE. It still hurts.
I think your screen name is appropriate.
I hope you find a path through this. There are plenty of success stories and I truly hope yours can become one.
-DW
redpepper
Active member
okay DW, maybe he should pay for his flight... the thing is that she is going to do what she wants anyway, so why not curb the situation to suit husbands needs more. That is what this is all about.
When I was dating and met Mono I was just like her. I was selfish, had my own agenda, wanted to do everything my way and was completely oblivious to what was really going on for Nerdist.
Nerdist was amazing! He kept his emotions largely to himself, because he knew that I was going to go out and do what I needed to for myself anyways. He stood aside while I found my feet in it all and had my independence. He knew he had no control over me.
What benefited me was that when things got pushed too far he put his foot down. When I went off to sleep with Mono a few days after meeting him he called me and said I had to come home. I had breached our agreement and he was very upset about it. I came home, we worked it out. I knew he meant business.... the fact that he had given so much created respect for him in me.
The point is to give in order to receive. He gave me space and freedom, but not at the point of jepordizing what we have and what my responsibilities were to my family. He put my foot down then and I respected and admired him for that.
Maybe part of his ability to give is to create a situation where by he has more say, and that is to bring the guy to him. That way they can go about a process that is more healthy in terms of timing, growing into it and everyone being aware that this is a relationship of three (and kids) rather than two.... of course, if this is a open marriage thing and not poly at all then that is a different story. In open marriages there is not generally inclusion of ones other partners in a relationship dynamic.
As to NRE, it's a bitch and yes, that is what is happening here. It makes people selfish, controlling, and wearing rose coloured glasses as if they are drunk, rather than realizing the full extent of what they are doing. It sucks and seems bizarre, but, completely normal (and needs to be treated like a temporary mental health issue).
When I was dating and met Mono I was just like her. I was selfish, had my own agenda, wanted to do everything my way and was completely oblivious to what was really going on for Nerdist.
Nerdist was amazing! He kept his emotions largely to himself, because he knew that I was going to go out and do what I needed to for myself anyways. He stood aside while I found my feet in it all and had my independence. He knew he had no control over me.
What benefited me was that when things got pushed too far he put his foot down. When I went off to sleep with Mono a few days after meeting him he called me and said I had to come home. I had breached our agreement and he was very upset about it. I came home, we worked it out. I knew he meant business.... the fact that he had given so much created respect for him in me.
The point is to give in order to receive. He gave me space and freedom, but not at the point of jepordizing what we have and what my responsibilities were to my family. He put my foot down then and I respected and admired him for that.
Maybe part of his ability to give is to create a situation where by he has more say, and that is to bring the guy to him. That way they can go about a process that is more healthy in terms of timing, growing into it and everyone being aware that this is a relationship of three (and kids) rather than two.... of course, if this is a open marriage thing and not poly at all then that is a different story. In open marriages there is not generally inclusion of ones other partners in a relationship dynamic.
As to NRE, it's a bitch and yes, that is what is happening here. It makes people selfish, controlling, and wearing rose coloured glasses as if they are drunk, rather than realizing the full extent of what they are doing. It sucks and seems bizarre, but, completely normal (and needs to be treated like a temporary mental health issue
).
MonoVCPHG
New member
"Everything will be fine" is the selfish delussion of those getting what they want at the emotional expense of those losing most of what they had. They have no idea of the wounds they are inflicting during this phase of their own oblivious joy when such comments are being made. This might be multiple loving but it is not the type of love that most would settle for. It is NRE summed up in one short statement. It is a selfish and dismissive statement used to trick thierr own mind into believing they have not just asked you to punch a hole through your own heart.
Sorry to be so harsh...but comments like this make me want to pack your bags for you.
Sorry to be so harsh...but comments like this make me want to pack your bags for you.
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MonoVCPHG
New member
Now that I have trashed the "Everything will be fine" statement I should at least give some insight into what I would consider to be a more realistic and respectful way to replace it...otherwise I'm leaving a black hole in my thought process.
I've had this talk with my ex-wife at about year eight of our marriage so I am not completely speaking without experience.
"I have become emotionally drawn to (so and so) and am curious about exploring a relationship with them. I don't know what this really means for us but I do know that I love you and want to be in this relationship. I also know that, to be true to myself and fulfilled within our relationship, I need to explore this feeling. I know this is going to hurt you at least for a while and make you doubt our future together but without pursuing this I am becoming more withdrawn and am afraid I will end up subconsciously or consciously damaging what we have in order to give myself the chance to see what I am feeling. I am hurting too. I do not want to lose you. There are no certainties in what will happen if I do or do not follow my heart in this. I can not ask you to guarantee that you will be here on this other side of this. I can not guarantee how this will affect us. But I need your support in this, if in no other way than just to be honest in what you feel and need. If you to decide I am not a person you want to have this type of relationship with then I will respect and honor your decision. If you decide that this can work for you than I will support you in any way I can to try to lessen your hurt and see the possibility of even more closeness than we have now."
Again, I have heard a very similar statement to this 12 years ago. While the pursuit of this relationship was short lived and we actually did reconnect after this and had another great seven years, the night she spent away is one I will never forget.
I've had this talk with my ex-wife at about year eight of our marriage so I am not completely speaking without experience.
"I have become emotionally drawn to (so and so) and am curious about exploring a relationship with them. I don't know what this really means for us but I do know that I love you and want to be in this relationship. I also know that, to be true to myself and fulfilled within our relationship, I need to explore this feeling. I know this is going to hurt you at least for a while and make you doubt our future together but without pursuing this I am becoming more withdrawn and am afraid I will end up subconsciously or consciously damaging what we have in order to give myself the chance to see what I am feeling. I am hurting too. I do not want to lose you. There are no certainties in what will happen if I do or do not follow my heart in this. I can not ask you to guarantee that you will be here on this other side of this. I can not guarantee how this will affect us. But I need your support in this, if in no other way than just to be honest in what you feel and need. If you to decide I am not a person you want to have this type of relationship with then I will respect and honor your decision. If you decide that this can work for you than I will support you in any way I can to try to lessen your hurt and see the possibility of even more closeness than we have now."
Again, I have heard a very similar statement to this 12 years ago. While the pursuit of this relationship was short lived and we actually did reconnect after this and had another great seven years, the night she spent away is one I will never forget.
MonoVCPHG
New member
(stupid stupid NRE ....
I never thought of this before..NRE does affect a lot of the same things in Mono relationships as it does in Poly ones...jobs get ignored and suffer, kids get ignored and may suffer, chores get ignored...but in poly, there is the possibility of another partner getting ignored and suffering...that's the difference with NRE.
redpepper
Active member
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sage
New member
I have to say that I thought the affair comment was a bit harsh as well. You have done a lot that is right but on this forum people tend to shoot from the hip and you don't always get to hear what you want.
I don't think you should necessarily close off your heart to L but in reality you may have to make a choice between your husband and him. Not everyone can cope with polyamory. My ex-husband couldn't. Over a long marriage (over 20 years) I fell in love a few times (there was something missing from marriage). We discussed an open-marriage but in the end he said all I really wanted him for was the financial support and friendship; it would be harder for him to find quality polyamorous significant others and so he wanted out.
I have to run but keep posting. I'm sure I speak for others when I say there is a lot of concern and support for you as well.
I don't think you should necessarily close off your heart to L but in reality you may have to make a choice between your husband and him. Not everyone can cope with polyamory. My ex-husband couldn't. Over a long marriage (over 20 years) I fell in love a few times (there was something missing from marriage). We discussed an open-marriage but in the end he said all I really wanted him for was the financial support and friendship; it would be harder for him to find quality polyamorous significant others and so he wanted out.
I have to run but keep posting. I'm sure I speak for others when I say there is a lot of concern and support for you as well.
I split some posts out into two other threads called "Imperfect's Blog" and "Dory's Blog". If either of you would like a different title for your thread, PM me and I'll change it.
I also soft-deleted the posts about "having an affair" because it was resolved and I felt that it interrupted the flow of discussion about the original post. If any folks would like to have those posts back, say something and a moderator will restore them. There is also still one post on here that references the "affair comment was harsh" and it's up to the author of that post to edit that part of the post out.
To rephrase:
Nothing has been permanently removed, and nothing has been edited. Some things have been moved into their own threads, and other things have been hidden but not permanently deleted. If anyone has an issue with what has been done, please let us know what it is.
I also soft-deleted the posts about "having an affair" because it was resolved and I felt that it interrupted the flow of discussion about the original post. If any folks would like to have those posts back, say something and a moderator will restore them. There is also still one post on here that references the "affair comment was harsh" and it's up to the author of that post to edit that part of the post out.
To rephrase:
Nothing has been permanently removed, and nothing has been edited. Some things have been moved into their own threads, and other things have been hidden but not permanently deleted. If anyone has an issue with what has been done, please let us know what it is.
First off i want to say thanks to everyone that replyed. Imperfect is back home but things havent been so good. All i can think of is the next time she is ready to go for another visit. I have given her my whole heart for so long the thought of sharing her kills me.I really want her to be happy but I dont know if I will be happy in this situation. My fear is that I can see how much her feelings have grown in such a short time, that I am thinking she will eventually leave me for him. I feel that I am the one with the most to loose here, and I know that I sound selfish. Imperfect told me about everything that went on during her vacation, and I have forgiven her in my heart, but I know the pain I felt while she was gone and the pain that I am still feeling. It really hurts just to know she is talking to him, Thats why I cant see letting her go again. We have been talking about seperating so she can freely see me and him whenever she wants to, but I dont want to be away from her. I am so confused. I dont know what my next move should be. I dont want to make any decisions becouse my emotions change every few min. So for now we are going to stay together for the children becouse I think in the end they will be hurt the most..I will post more of my thoughts when i start to think clearly.
MonoVCPHG
New member
They will also be hurt if they sense you are in pain all the time and wonder why? I'm not saying throw in the towel, but I am saying children are a lot more resilient than you might think. Better short term pain and two healthy parents in the long run in my experience. You have to take care of yourself my friend.
clairegoad
New member
I can see your pain.. I can understand your pain. But I have to ask, "Why you would stay?" You think she is doing something wrong, and needs to be forgiven. As long as you feel that way, this will continue to hurt.
Read here some more... Get used to the ideas... It takes a while to wrap your mind around it... It helps to look at how others have dealt with this.
You've set up an impossible negotiation. You want to go back to where the relationship was. It never will be the same. You can't unring that bell.
redpepper
Active member
I am finding it hard to believe she is pushing you so hard! Why? Why rush? Why cause you so much pain? It really does seem to me that you are not being selfish. SHE IS! There is no reason other than she doesn't love you anymore, that she should be going to see this guy. She should NOT be doing that.
I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. How many times have I repeated this on this thread? Three, four? That she should not go, should slow down, should negotiate with you at your pace...Grrrr. I give up.
Sorry hurt, nothing against you, its just very frustrating to give hard earned advice and opinions when it seems they are not ackowledged or considered even. Obviously I am not needed on this thread and she is not interested in what I have to say, so good luck to you. My energy is better spent elsewhere. Please feel free to pm if you want. Until there is some aknowledgement of even being remotely thinking about anyone but herself, and I don't mean in terms of saying how hard it is that she loves two men, I mean in terms of being concerned about doing right by you and your kids, then I'm done. He sounds like a cowboy at this point that is convincing her to leave you for another monogamous relationship and she is allowing it. Frustrating, and selfish, end of story.
I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. How many times have I repeated this on this thread? Three, four? That she should not go, should slow down, should negotiate with you at your pace...Grrrr. I give up.
Sorry hurt, nothing against you, its just very frustrating to give hard earned advice and opinions when it seems they are not ackowledged or considered even. Obviously I am not needed on this thread and she is not interested in what I have to say, so good luck to you. My energy is better spent elsewhere. Please feel free to pm if you want. Until there is some aknowledgement of even being remotely thinking about anyone but herself, and I don't mean in terms of saying how hard it is that she loves two men, I mean in terms of being concerned about doing right by you and your kids, then I'm done. He sounds like a cowboy at this point that is convincing her to leave you for another monogamous relationship and she is allowing it. Frustrating, and selfish, end of story.