I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent.
I think it is good you are both trying to talk and work through this. Try to be kind to each other while sorting this out.
I think you both learned that you each actually have to spell things out to minimize misunderstandings. People are not mind readers.
While you may have some poly experience in the past? She's a total newbie and she's gonna be ... clunky. You might have to remember that.
Maybe you both want to read some things together? There are many places but here is one.
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
And if you didn't do enough preparation work -- maybe consider seeing a poly counselor to make sure your initial agreements cover all they need to cover.
Through our talks today in her mind she thought that it would someone how work out to where we could all be one happy family under one roof. She said she thought I would yell (I'm not a yeller) and then things would cool down and be "normal". This made me feel her actions were pretty selfish, since I had told her I didn't want to know. Before our talks I could already sense it, and I let my denial take me for a ride because I didn't want to face it or believe that she would do that. So ...this I'm still in a huge debate.
"Just like before... but with 3!" is such a total newbie way to think about poly to me.
If all one ever knew was monogamy? It's the easiest thing to imagine, and branch out from. Honestly? I would have been surprised if wife WASN'T fantasizing along those lines. For her it's not just first time with Dude, but first time ever poly anything... so she's kind of naive in her thinking. She's chasing fantasy lalas and hasn't stopped to think "Oh. That would require a 3 people yes for consent. Just because I'd be into it? Doesn't mean WDIDN automatically would be. Or Dude automatically would be." The cold hard light of reality hasn't shone on her yet. She's still all lalalala.
I am not sure how much preparation you did for coping with your wife in NRE. This is a first time for you -- and you don't know this side of her very well. Sometimes people with NRE act like drunk babbling people who make no sense. All pink fluffy lalalas. And if you went with a DADT ish thing, and she's been used to talking to you about her inner life stuff? And she hasn't lined up a support network to talk to about her poly stuff INSTEAD OF YOU? And she guessed and ended up guessing wrong? I get you feel hurt. But it doesn't sound like she was trying to be malicious. Just... noob.
If you each haven't lined up your support network yet? You each may be going into this without a net.
If
detangling is the most skipped step? Setting up support systems is the 2nd most skipped one to me.
There's also the stages of emotional change. She might be coming at it on Track A -- like "New poly stuff!"
Where on your side? You are coming at this from a whole other angle because of your health. Track B. Here is a visual aid in the middle of the page. It's not exact, but knowing that the "old normal" is gone and the "new normal" is not here yet? And that there might be some emotional roller coaster for each of you in the first year? But it IS NOT the same track? That might help the transition be more realistic/doable.
Article describing the transition process, its effects on our work & personal and implications for managers.
www.eoslifework.co.uk
Your side may come with some grief things. Not sure how well you have prepared for that -- poly as a chronic patient. Like... you are gonna have all the regular newbie poly problems... PLUS this patient health stuff.
You may have also discovered also that "initial agreements on paper" might not work "out in the field."
DADT -- you will have to spell out what that means to you. In this case you "I don't want to know unless I ask directly." But then there's some things you didn't even think to ask or state out loud at the start. What other things might slip then?
To me you sound like you don't want actual DADT. You might want more like "I'm a chronic patient trying to accommodate your needs. Don't overload me. Go slow, and be honest with me if I ask. And YOU can ask me things too. Just no
whooshing things at me. " Is that more close to what you might like at this point in time?
Because the initial agreements? I could be wrong but it sounds like it was all about you kinda making a "defense bubble" around you. And that agreement didn't sound like it made space for her and the things she might want to know and ask about. It shut her out.
Talk and rethink agreements so all people are being served, and the things are realistic, reasonable, and keepable enough. Could clarify what you mean. Ask her to repeat back so you know she got it how you meant it. And vice versa. Then try again. A new set of agreements "out in the field." Over time you will both learn what works and what doesn't.
Could also talk about what these agreements actually entail OVER time? Because you might have initial stepping stone agreements to start out and build poly trust, and then update them as you go along and conditions change.
I assume you want safer sex agreements like health labs, condoms. What about children? Do your agreements include genetic monogamy? Like she's not going to make babies with other people?
How about over time... if she ends up with a steady partner... do you want to know their name and phone in case something emergency ever happens to her? Not that you want to hang out or be best friends, but a courtesy call to them if she's in the ER?
And this thing with "not at our house" -- what's the expectation over time?
- The other partner hosts all the time?
- Hotels? How's that work out with finances?
- Is it a temp thing -- like "not in our house til we move and can have separate bedrooms?"
She keeps trying to tell me this isn't all her "fault". Without knowing what she told him makes it harder. And I'm not mad at him. He isn't my wife.
Sounds like she's sorry for the misunderstanding.
You could ask what she told him.
You both share a part of the situation making. Could both acknowledge that. Then you aren't stuck in the blame game pointing fingers over who was the most wrong. Could focus instead on learning from the experience and moving things FORWARD and say "Look, we both have a share in the situation making. Mistakes happened. Let's focus how to get back on track and make clearer, better articulated stepping stone agreements to minimize these sorts of dings as we transition into poly. We have to stop to check if the agreements serve ALL people well, are realistic, reasonable, and keepable."
Which agreements are hard limits? "No, never!" things that will not change over time? One of ours is "NO MORE KIDS." We are both done with all that.
Which agreements are "for now, might change over time?" Sounds like this one might fall in that category.
As for the messy list, I would prefer for her to stay in her lane. Not my people. This may be selfish on my part, but it's what I would prefer at least for now and while I'm readjusting to the change in our relationship. She went for him because it was easy, comfortable and convenient for her.
FWIW -- I don't think it is selfish. It's a reasonable request during transition time. But you do have to TELL IT TO HER.
Both could allow some "learning curve" mistakes. They will happen. Instead of trying to be perfect like no mistakes ever? Could talk about how to cope with them if/when they happen.
And yeah... IF they plan to continue seeing each other? You are gonna have to talk to the friend. All on the same page about agreements that affect each of you. And only this friend -- no others.
OR... you tell her point blank that you are willing to look past this mistake but before they get all deep and emotionally attached -- please end it with him because you aren't cool with her dating any of your friends. Go date people OUT THERE... not inside the friend circle.
Because each of you needs friend support persons. And it's gonna be weird if you need to lean on friends for support, but then can't because it's that very friend who is the other partner. It makes things messy.
And articulate the rest of the "messy people" even if you think it goes without saying -- no dating bosses, parents, siblings, roomies, etc.
I encourage you to keep talking things out.
(cont.)
