I wanna cracker...

[online]

Hello Poly

I do a lot of stuff online -- so calling me online only seems natural (to me, at least ).

I also think a lot about natural language -- the stuff people speak, the keywords they search for, the concepts they think about day in & day out.

Which leads me to building sites / websites. I do this a lot, too.

I've been divorced for a long time, and I think I was kind of traumatized by my (first?) marriage. So now even though I like a lot of people and have a lot of casual friends, I am very guarded about entering into anything like a "serious relationship". So this is what makes me curious about polyamory. Since IDK pretty much anything about it (besides a couple videos I've seen where people describe *their* polyamorous relationships), I consider it to be sort of like "friends with benefits".

OK, so now I hope people start schooling me (in a good & pleasant way, of course!)!

Norbert

BTW: I am in Germany ATM, but I see no reason why my particular location matters all that much

 

[icesong]

Poly can include friends with benefits… but it can also include deeply serious/committed ones.

 

[Magdlyn]

Polyamory means "many loves." If you love someone you generally want to see them as often as possible. This implies commitment of some sort. It does not necessarily imply completely climbing the relationship escalator to cohabiting and marriage, though of course you can.

Polyamory is not just "fucking around." It is not a euphemism for casual sex or hooking up. While you can certainly have FWBs, or one night stands, take part in swinging or whatever, you can also have much deeper serious partner relationships. Polyamorists agree they can carry on multiple sexual/romantic relationships, with the knowledge and informed consent of all people involved in the network.

Some polyamorists get married while having other serious partners. Some commit to more than one person in a marriage-style way. Even though only one spouse may be their legal spouse, they put legal protections (medical, home ownership, inheritance, etc.) in place for their other partner/partners.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings online,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Friends with benefits is sometimes identified as one kind of poly, but there are other kinds too, poly can involve very serious relationships. I tend to define it as any situation where someone has multiple romantic partners, with the knowledge and consent of all said partners of course.

Sorry to hear you had such a terrible experience with your former marriage. I hope that going forward, you will have better luck with all of your romantic connections. Thanks for sharing your story!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[TXretired]

Welcome. Poly you takes work. It is serious and far beyond a fwb. That said, it can fall on a continuum. In our case, we all put effort in to make it work.

 

[online]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses.

I was thinking (in the meantime, after reading) that maybe people who live poly and people who live (sort of) anti-poly have a significantly different view of what "serious" means. It seems like for Polys "serious" need NOT mean *exclusive*, but for Others it almost ALWAYS means *exclusive*... so there is perhaps a problem with the term "serious" (?)

 

[Ductcha]

Just in perception,

It seems like for Polys "serious" need NOT mean *exclusive*, but for Others it almost ALWAYS means *exclusive*... so there is perhaps a problem with the term "serious" (?)

I don't think its the word so much as how people view it. My wife is serious with someone beyond me, and that in of itself doesn't bother me much. Check out my thread on hyperspeed relationships. While it's clear Im struggling, there are some great articles there that I have found exceptionally helpful, and enlightening. Might give you an impression

How do i cope with a hyperspeed new partner

Hi. I am having alot of issues, but here I'm hoping for advise on coping mechanisms. Link to intro with abbreviated history. https://polyamory.com/threads/ductcha-intro.154561/ Note this doesn't really mention my mistakes well. Anyhow my wife just met with a guy 6 days ago for the third time...

polyamory.com

 

[TXretired]

It is always important to operationally define our terms. This is especially important when my wife and I talk about things, then I go and discuss same with Ewe. Or, if the three of us are together.

 

[icesong]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses.

I was thinking (in the meantime, after reading) that maybe people who live poly and people who live (sort of) anti-poly have a significantly different view of what "serious" means. It seems like for Polys "serious" need NOT mean *exclusive*, but for Others it almost ALWAYS means *exclusive*... so there is perhaps a problem with the term "serious" (?)

You're not wrong - honestly the serious vs casual thing is something I don't even try to parse what people mean by. It's far easier to define what you want in a relationship than it is to label it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hey online,

"Committed" is another word that changes when used in a poly context. What is a committed poly relationship? What is a poly relationship in which the participants are dedicated to staying with each other for life? Conventional wisdom says that if you're really committed to someone, then you can only be committed to that one person. I myself am in a serious/committed/dedicated relationship -- but it is a composite relationship, comprised of three people. What should I call it?

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses.

I was thinking (in the meantime, after reading) that maybe people who live poly and people who live (sort of) anti-poly have a significantly different view of what "serious" means. It seems like for Polys "serious" need NOT mean *exclusive*, but for Others it almost ALWAYS means *exclusive*... so there is perhaps a problem with the term "serious" (?)

Polyamory is revolutionary. It is not based on a monogamous structure, where you say vows to forsake all others. You can vow to be together forever (or as long as mutually agreeable, let's be real), but still have autonomy to also date and possibly fall in love with others. It's not really a confusing concept. A polyamorist who is married would not consider themselves the exclusive "property" of their spouse.

Many formerly mono people (that's most of us) who are already in a mono relationship but want to Open it have to do the work of detangling. You can't be so enmeshed with another that you feel you need permission of your spouse to go anywhere or do anything without them. However, that's not to say you are not, at the same time, wildly in love with each other and delighting in your relationship and the time you spend together. You both just have the freedom do things with others, platonic things AND romantic/sexual things.

 

[online]

Excellent points -- all around!

It really reminds me of one of my favorite songs -- mainly because of the message, It's called "Secret Marriage" (by Sting). Apparently, someone else wrote it, but IDK whether that refers to the words or the melody (or both) ... yet another Poly? (LOL),

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

I like that song too. The lyrics were by Sting, but inspired by "An den kleinen Radioapparat" where that original music was Hanns Eisler and those lyrics by Bertolt Brecht. Totally different meaning though. Here's English.

The Sting version explores what commitment means and how it isn't necessarily in all the wedding/marriage trappings like a license, a dowry, a church or city hall service, having a kid to bond you, etc. But instead lies in the promise between the people. Nobody but them has to know it. And how long it lasts is on them only.

Anyway... How one chooses to practice non-monogamy is up to them. FWB can be included. So can the want for MORE commitments, rather than less. Or anything in between. Even non-ethical things (which I do not suggest). But if we are just listing non-monogamous things, both ethical and non-ethical things are there. Maybe a visual aid helps?

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy3-large.png

Here are some reading links. Not comprehensive but a start.

These are the worksheets from the "Opening Up" book.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships <---- this one might be esp interesting to you as you think about what you consider "serious" or not.

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship​

Practical Polyamory​

kathylabriola.com - Articles​

Most people usually understand "monogamy"as "these two people in this relationship and that's it. Just them two."

But people who want to date for open or poly relationships? They have to calibrate because "non-mongamy" can mean a lot of things to different people. There can be different kinds of open/poly models.

Hope this helps some!
Galagirl

 

[online]

Welcome.

I like that song too. The lyrics were by Sting, but inspired by "An den kleinen Radioapparat" where that original music was Hanns Eisler and those lyrics by Bertolt Brecht. Totally different meaning though. Here's English.

The Sting version explores what commitment means and how it isn't necessarily in all the wedding/marriage trappings like a license, a dowry, a church or city hall service, having a kid to bond you, etc. But instead lies in the promise between the people. Nobody but them has to know it. And how long it lasts is on them only.

Anyway... How one chooses to practice non-monogamy is up to them. FWB can be included. So can the want for MORE commitments, rather than less. Or anything in between. Even non-ethical things (which I do not suggest). But if we are just listing non-monogamous things, both ethical and non-ethical things are there. Maybe a visual aid helps?

http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/nonmonogamy3-large.png

Here are some reading links. Not comprehensive but a start.

These are the worksheets from the "Opening Up" book.

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships <---- this one might be esp interesting to you as you think about what you consider "serious" or not.

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship​

Practical Polyamory​

kathylabriola.com - Articles​

Most people usually understand "monogamy"as "these two people in this relationship and that's it. Just them two."

But people who want to date for open or poly relationships? They have to calibrate because "non-mongamy" can mean a lot of things to different people. There can be different kinds of open/poly models.

Hope this helps some!
Galagirl

OMG -- LOL #SummerReading