I want to open my LDR

[JDStudent]

I gave a brief introduction in that section, but here are more details about the "open" part of things.

My boyfriend and I have decided to sexually open our relationship. For now, I am not comfortable with the idea of truly being polyamorous and having other emotional relationships.

We have begun to lay down some rules, which I suspect are very general. I would love advice on what else to consider. Here is what we have come up with:

1. Complete honesty. The other must be willing to give as little or as much detail as they are asked to give.

2. Pre-meeting updates. Starting out, we have decided to give step-by-step updates (when possible) about our process. For him, that means letting me know if he plans to go out looking for a girl. For me, that means updates on emails I send to potential women, meetings we plan, etc.

3. No hooking up with exes or mutual friends.

4. No bringing someone back to what is "our" bed.

5. Condoms must be used.

That is about it as far as general rules go, so far.

He has asked that if any toys are used, that they be smaller than "he" is.

We have agreed to have a talk and reevaluate after we have our initial encounters. As far as whether this will be something we will continue when we are together, that will have to be reevaluated, too. Everything is fluid and open for discussion, to be reevaluated and changed, if needed.

I am worried that I will become horribly jealous, but mostly I really want him to go out and find someone. My fear of being hurt is greatly outweighed by my desire for him to pursue this.

We have decided that he can pursue other women, but have limited me away from men. I know that to some this will seem unfair, but it doesn't bother me. When I proposed this to my boyfriend, I had no interest in participating myself. I just wanted this option to be open for him, and perhaps as a road into a threesome later.

The reason I am not pursuing men is more than just his feelings. I love men. I am certainly straight. But one-night stands have never done it for me. I am never satisfied, so the potential benefits do not exist for me. I am very Type-A. I am in my head a lot. This makes it difficult for me to really be in the moment with a stranger. I have had quite a few random hook-ups, and I know that is not what I want.

My boyfriend instead suggested that I look for a girl who could be both a friend and a sexual relief. My two good friends left the city this past summer, so my social life is essentially non-existent. I have no experience with women, but it is something that I have wanted to experience. So he told me I should find a girl that can fulfill me in all of those ways. At the moment, I am not sure where to really look. I have trolled Craigslist a little bit, but feel as though that is so trashy and sketchy, even though there seem to be a few girls who are looking for a kind of friends with benefits situation as I am. I am not sure how to make this come about naturally.

Anyway, we are both extremely excited by the ideas of what this can bring for us, and how this can further and enhance our relationship. I can definitely see how these kind of conversations and the willingness to give your partner what they need, even if it means it is from other people, can make you closer as a couple. That is what I am hoping for.

I would really appreciate any viewpoints or advice on my situation. Also, ideas on how I could begin to meet women would be great too. Thank you in advance.

 

[redpepper]

I'm sorry if I've got it wrong, but it sounds more like you are talking about casual hook-ups than polyAMORY. Polyamory means multiple loves. It means forming romantic relationships with multiple people and building something out of that, which usually includes sex. Your post sounds like you and your bf are both looking for women to add more sex to your lives, not love.

If that's true, and you are looking for sexual experiences with women, then I would suggest swinging, not polyamory. Polyamorous people don't generally take to the idea that they being sought just for sex. It can be quite insulting to some, actually. It is really important that you make it really clear before engaging with others what your intention is.

What your man and you want is a One-Penis Policy (OPP). While it might be fine with you to not invite men in your life, be sure that any women you invite know that is where you are coming from. Have you discussed what you would expect from her in terms of her having other men in her life? Do you want a closed relationship where she is available to just you? It might be worth discussing, as some polyamorous women would see your point of view as sexist.

There are a lot of threads here that you might find interesting that could shed some light on ideas around boundaries and the kind of dynamic you are looking for. Have a look in the search engine in the tool bar. You could search "foundations," "lessons," "OPP," "unicorn," name a few. See what you find. Enjoy learning. It would be great if your bf were to read them too.

 

[bulrush]

5. Condoms must be used.

You know condoms do not stop herpes simplex infections, right?

He has ask that if any toys are used, that the by smaller than "he" is.

Why not? Is he that insecure? If my girlfriend wants to use a 24" dildo, that's fine with me. I'll sit back and watch.

Here's a suggestion: some couples only "play" with another woman if both of them are there at the time.

 

[JDStudent]

It sounds more like you are talking about casual hook-ups than polyAMORY.

I did not consider it casual hooks-up because, on my end, I am looking for more than just something that results in meeting up, hooking up and leaving. I would really like to find a person whom I could form a bond with, a relationship, I suppose. I guess, at this time, I do not know that I am truly looking for love in this other relationship. But I still want something more than just sex. I am still trying to find the boundary. I suppose I am not sure that I will know until I experience it.

While it might be fine with you to not invite men in your life, be sure that any woman you invite knows that is where you are coming from. Have you discussed what you would expect from her in terms of her having other men in her life? Do you want a closed relationship where she is available to just you? It might be worth discussing, as some polyamorous women would see your point of view as sexist.

I would certainly not suggest that anyone I was seeing could not see someone else, man or woman. I would not expect her to forgo any other relationships.

Thank you for the advice and insight. I realize that I have been given room to form relationship in a way that I am not quite comfortable allowing my boyfriend to do, due to my own insecurities. After looking around the site, I did broach the topic, and asked him if he felt as though I were limiting him. He said he did not. He is much more focused on me forming a bond with someone emotionally, and possibly sexually, than he is on forming one of his own, outside of our current relationship. I think that as we dip our toes into having an open relationship, we will better be able to figure out what works for us and if maybe we should instead be looking at the swinging idea, rather than the polyamorous one.

I really hope I didn't offend anyone by my post.

 

[JDStudent]

You know condoms do not stop herpes simplex infections, right?

No, I didn't. Is there some form of protection I am not thinking of?

Why not? Is he that insecure? If my girlfriend wants to use a 24" dildo, that's fine with me. I'll sit back and watch.

He is a little insecure. Plus, using something that is larger would later reduce sexual pleasure for both of us because I won't be as "snug" as I was before, and that is something that we would both like to avoid.

Some couples only "play" with another women if both of them are there at the time.

We went into this with the intention of helping to add the physical connection that we miss due to our long-distance relationship. What connection that is differs based on own needs. His is generally sexual. Mine is more of a mix.

I am starting to feel like I might be looking in the wrong place. Maybe I should just be looking for something on open relationships in general, rather than polyamory specifically.

 

[JDStudent]

I am sorry if I offended. Perhaps I am actually looking for something more similar to swinging, where I can have a friendship connection, but not quite progress to love. I very sorry for confusing these two types of relationships, or if I in any way disrespected it or anyone here on the forum.

 

[nycindie]

If you are looking for sexual experiences with women, then I would suggest swinging, not polyamory.

The thing she mentioned in her intro thread, but not here, is that she and her boyfriend are separated by distance right now. He is several states away, and they are used to fucking every day, so they've agreed to have an open relationship while they are apart. So, if they do some swinging at clubs or parties, or whatever they do, it will be as "singles" in their respective locations.

 

[nycindie]

He is a little insecure. Plus, using something that is larger would later reduce sexual pleasure for both of us, because I won't be as "snug" as I was before, and that is something that we would both like to avoid.

There are lots of toys that don't even need to go inside, but dildoes don't stretch women out. That is a myth.

 

[JDStudent]

There are lots of toys that don't even need to go inside, but dildoes don't stretch women out. That is a myth.

I didn't know that. I just kind of assumed it would work like the real thing.

 

[nycindie]

I didn't know that. I just kind of assumed it would work like the real thing.

Big dicks don't stretch women out either. Our vaginas are designed to be elastic. We can pop out babies that weigh 10+ lbs. (You can do Kegel exercises to keep your PC muscles toned.) But don't worry that a big dick, dildo or vibrator would loosen your vagina. That idea was probably started by men who wanted to keep their women from "straying."

 

[redpepper]

I am sorry if I offended. Perhaps I am actually looking for something more similar to swinging, where I can have a friendship connection, but not quite progress to love. I very sorry for confusing these two types of relationships, and if I in any way disrespected it, or anyone here on the forum.

No disrespect, just different ways of viewing sex. Often people that are polyamorous swing as well, sometimes. Sometimes swingers decide that they are more polyamorous after a time. It's a large pendulum and it can swing from casual/sport sex with no emotional connection, to polyamorous fidelity, and back again, throughout life. There is no reason to assume one thing all the time. The key, I think, is to be honest about where you are at any given time, so that it matches the people you are meeting and considering engaging in some kind of relationship with. That way, they know what is expected and can be informed. It just keeps people from getting hurt, ya know?

Thanks for the info on the distance thing, btw.

 

[Magdlyn]

Here is an old thread where the OP has several confused ideas:

- She has mixed up polyamory (multiple romantic loving relationships), Friends with Benefits, and swinging.

- She and her bf mistakenly believe that large penises or dildoes stretch out vaginas permanently, so that a woman who uses a toy, or has a penis of a size larger than her partner's penis inside of her, will be forever too loose for her bf's or her own future enjoyment of intercourse together.

- The third thing that confused me was how she emphatically said she is straight, loves men, but is seeking women for "sexual release." What on earth?

Just thought I'd bump this, since it was loaded with misunderstandings and confusion that kind of shocked me.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, I don't know what she really means when she says "straight." Maybe she just means "currently practicing the straight lifestyle." At the moment. I don't know if she was currently seeing someone. It sounds like she'd already hooked up with women. [shrug] People don't always communicate clearly.