I’d like to ask my boyfriend if he’d consider becoming polyamorous. Any advice?

ejlogan

New member
In the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend expressed to me that he would like an open relationship although he wouldn’t cheat on me if I said no. At the time I was uncomfortable with the idea and couldn’t imagine sharing him at all as I feel like I am a jealous person sometimes. More recently I’ve been considering and researching polyamory because I’ve noticed that, every time I am in a relationship with a man, I find myself wanting a girlfriend as well. It’s not that I’m dissatisfied with my boyfriend or that he’s not meeting my expectations, I love him a lot and we plan on moving in together soon. I just really, really crave a female partner as well. It’s not like I have anyone lined up, I would like to search for the third party together. I also have rules and boundaries that I’ve been thinking of because it’s definitely something that’s gonna take some adjusting to. Any advice? And if he says no I’m just gonna drop it, I don’t need another partner, but I feel like we would both enjoy it.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Just because you're bi and would like both a male and female partner, does not mean that having an ongoing successful triad would be practical or very likely. So many MF couples that are new to polyamory think that a FMF triad would be the perfect solution. But there are drawbacks to this type of arrangement that make them so unlikely to work out.

Why not just get your own gf? And bf can get his own gf. Then you won't be competing for the time and affection of the same woman. And she won't feel like a ping pong ball between the 2 of you.

Please read this
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Also, consider the possibility that you and your boyfriend might have different styles of non-monogamy. For example, maybe your boyfriend would like the freedom to have casual sex with other women on his own (maybe that's what he meant when he suggested an open relationship?) while you'd prefer to building another serious relationship with a girlfriend. Definitely consider the possibility of each of you dating your own women/woman separately.

Since he initially asked for an open relationship, I think it would be perfectly fine if you revisit that conversation and tell him you've been thinking about polyamory.
 

ejlogan

New member
Just because you're bi and would like both a male and female partner, does not mean that having an ongoing successful triad would be practical or very likely. So many MF couples that are new to polyamory think that a FMF triad would be the perfect solution. But there are drawbacks to this type of arrangement that make them so unlikely to work out.
Why not just get your own gf? And bf can get his own gf. Then you won't be competing for the time and affection of the same woman. And she won't feel like a ping pong ball between the 2 of you.
Please read this
 

ejlogan

New member
well we spoke about it today and he’s totally okay with trying it out and exploring it. we set our boundaries and i made sure he understood and he seems excited about it. if it doesn’t work out we both agreed to just drop it but if it does work out then it’ll be great! we’re actually thinking on just inviting another poly couple or a girl and a guy
 

ejlogan

New member
g
Also, consider the possibility that you and your boyfriend might have different styles of non-monogamy. For example, maybe your boyfriend would like the freedom to have casual sex with other women on his own (maybe that's what he meant when he suggested an open relationship?) while you'd prefer to building another serious relationship with a girlfriend. Definitely consider the possibility of each of you dating your own women/woman separately.

Since he initially asked for an open relationship, I think it would be perfectly fine if you revisit that conversation and tell him you've been thinking about polyamory.
that’s exactly how i opened the convo up. but i’m not comfortable with an open relationship and he’s okay with that. we agreed to seek another person, more than likely two more (a guy and a girl)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello ejlogan,

I'm glad to hear that you and your boyfriend had a successful conversation about poly. I think your best bet would be to invite another poly couple, or a girl and a guy. This way there would be something for each of you. Keep having conversations about your needs and boundaries, you may find that some of those things need renegotiating as your situation evolves. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hello ejlogan,

I'm glad to hear that you and your boyfriend had a successful conversation about poly. I think your best bet would be to invite another poly couple, or a girl and a guy. This way there would be something for each of you. Keep having conversations about your needs and boundaries, you may find that some of those things need renegotiating as your situation evolves. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Kevin, this may sound perfect to you, but it sounds like a swinger mentality to me. It's highly unlikely that ejlogan and her bf, as newbies to poly, would be able to simply, elegantly and easily handle the multiple layers of a triad or quad right off the bat. That's 3 or 4 relationships at a time, stacked up. Why encourage that?

Ejlogan, what are your "boundaries?" Where did you read that you needed boundaries in polyamory? Most experienced polyamorists have few boundaries. The one constant is to practice safer sex, using barriers to prevent disease and pregnancy, with maybe other birth control in place as well. (Also, discuss what happens if you get pregnant with another man's child. Are you fine with termination?)

Another boundary is planning on how to share time for dating each other (that is, the primary couple needs to now plan dates, and be less spontaneous, since their time will be divided), planning on how often to see OSOs, how often to text others, when and where this can happen, planning how to handle things like birthdays and holidays, planning on how to fund dates with others, planning on whether you want kitchen table poly (where your bf might meet your husband, or his gf might meet you, and hang out), or parallel poly, where you keep relationships more separate.

More boundaries: partner, don't try to look at my phone to see private text messages I've had with my OSO. Some couples say, "Oh we're so open with each other, he can look at my phone anytime." Remember that this might not be OK with your OSO! Each dyad deserves its own privacy.

Another boundary might be around where in the house it's OK to have sex with an OSO-- in the master bed? In the guest room or family room? Or anywhere and everywhere? Or must your OSO be able to host, or spring for a hotel room?

Also, do you expect to be in touch with your bf when he's having an overnight date with his OSO (or vice versa)? Or will you be fine if he's giving his whole attention to another partner for 24-48 hours? Maybe just a quick good night text would be enough.

Again, expecting to quickly find another guy and girl couple who perfect in every way for you and your bf for a long-term relationship, might be a bit optimistic. Sure, you can find a couple for a one night stand, or a few threeways. It usually takes a lot of work and luck to even find one unicorn (hot bi babe for straight guy and bi gal to both date), much less a couple. These kinds of things tend to go sideways with jealousy and possessiveness pretty quickly, and end in spectacular flames.

It's just much easier and safer to date independently.
 

Tinwen

Active member
well we spoke about it today and he’s totally okay with trying it out and exploring it. we set our boundaries and i made sure he understood and he seems excited about it. if it doesn’t work out we both agreed to just drop it but if it does work out then it’ll be great! we’re actually thinking on just inviting another poly couple or a girl and a guy
I think that's perfectly good to try, just go slowly, ok? :)
Plenty of couples manage an occasional encounter with another couple, and you don't necessarily hear about them at poly forums.
What you do hear about ... the voeful stories of "we love each other so much, moved together but now she's giving more attention to him then myself" ... Magdlyn is giving excellent warnings about that.
Keep reading up on this forum and other good poly websides to get educated about pitfalls, but do carve your own way, everybody needs to learn about themselves from their own experience.
 
Top