If you want to love me you have to love my spouse?

NowIKnow

New member
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.

I'm not saying it isn't possible, I'm just saying that if I find someone I love and wish to spend time with it shouldn't be required that my spouse accept them also.

My wife for the longest time couldn't understand why my best friend didn't want to hang out with her. I think I finally explained it to her that her brother-in-law doesn't want to hang out with her just the two of them but he will hang out with just me. It isn't that he doesn't like her it's just that he and I have a connection that he and her will never have and it's the same with my best friend. I don't hang out with her boyfriend not because I don't like him, I just don't have that connection with him.

Point is, I seem to see on this site the impression given that married couples only enter a poly relationship with a person they both have a connection with. I just don't believe that should be the way it "has" to be.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Point is, I seem to see on this site the impression given that married couples only enter a poly relationship with a person they both have a connection with.

I honestly can't imagine what would give you that impression. Aside from the triad-seeking couples posting ads, the vast majority of us married members are not like that at all. Most of us having partners outside our marriage with whom our spouses have little to no relationship.

I actually thought it was really weird the first time my husband asked if I would mind if he invited my gf over for beers one night while I was working an evening shift. I had no objection, of course. I just thought it was very odd, don't know why...
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I actually don't know any married couples with that attitude. All of the married poly's I know date separately.
 

TRBG

New member
I'm the only thing my wife and girlfriend have in common. Along the same lines even though I know her boyfriend and he's a nice guy we don't generally travel in the same circles.

I kind of find diversity among partners (IE lack of common ground) to be one of the more enjoyable aspect.s of it all. If they have too much in common I'd feel more worried about things getting redundant.
 

nycindie

Active member
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.

I'm not saying it isn't possible, I'm just saying that if I find someone I love and wish to spend time with it shouldn't be required that my spouse accept them also.

Is this actually a serious statement? I am kind of having a hard time believing that a grown adult with common sense would even think that this is true.

First of all, there are no "requirements" to polyamory. Poly simply means being able to love or open to loving more than one person without the need to hide it or keep it a secret (a la cheating). That is all.

If there are individuals making up dumb rules like the one you mentioned, that's their choice (and rules like that usually originate from a partner's deep insecurities or a need to be very controlling), but there are no poly police going around telling married or partnered couples that they must share lovers in order to qualify as polyfolk. Furthermore, such a requirement would basically dismiss the autonomy of any lover and their ability to choose whom they wish to be involved with. It is domineering and utterly disrespectful for one person in a couple to demand that another person (outside the couple) be required to fuck and/or love both people. I mean, that's basically forcing someone... ewwww.
 
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Natja

New member
It might be the way the triad profiles are worded? I have seen loads that say "must be willing to be in a relationship with both of us" ?? It sounds a bit coercive.
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
A lot of people seem to think that that's the only thing that qualifies as Poly, probably for the same reason Unicorn Hunting sounds like such a good idea to first-timers.
 

Natja

New member
I remember a bitter complaint on another polyamory site from one member of a couple about:

why isn't there a section to make a couple profile? This is weird because this is a polyamory site'

Some people come into polyamory very couple focused.
 

lovelycouple

New member
Interesting.

Actually as an heterosexual couple looking out for female company we are fully aware that the deepest affective connection is bound to happen between the male and the female.

The other female expectation on the relationship is barely having a friendly connection, someone to talk to, go shopping, share opinions or and tasks and some times, someone to team up against the male and his absurd opinions. :)

So it varies, and you are not obliged to agree with everything. You also have your say and you do not need to go along with everything, beware of people who wish to drag you down to do things in a relationship you do not agree with, because they probably they do not love you, if they cannot respect you.

Mutual respect is the roof of a relationship, communication is the key.
 

Natja

New member
Lovelycouple, this is not a problem you tend to find amongst couples with a straight female as the expectation is usually that there will be separate relationships. With bisexual females though sometimes the expectation is that the new partner would be for them 'both' and she will be 'shared'. It is this expectation the OP is referring to.
 

Flowerchild

New member
Well

I've had friends say, and I believe, too, that you can't really date half a couple. That is, you'll have a relationship with both, regardless of it being intimate.

But, the way I see it there are two kinds of relationships. One, you have two people that date others on the side. In that case, I guess you could have a very minimal relationship with the metamour. Two, you date with the intention of those people being equal partners in the group...and if you really want to be fully involved with your partner's life, then, yes, I think it's absolutely necessary to have a good relationship with everyone involved.
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
Lovelycouple, this is not a problem you tend to find amongst couples with a straight female as the expectation is usually that there will be separate relationships.
Not always. I've seen a few Unicorn Hunters even in the short time I've been here who seem to have skipped the bit about people only sleeping with people of the gender(s) they're attracted to. The female (always, never the male) is just expected to suck it up and go along.

Flowerchild, that's not they type of involvement the OP was talking about. Romantic involvement was specified.
 

Vixtoria

New member
I can understand if you are reading a lot of introductions it looks that way. On my local email list there are something like 800 members. Yet, there are only five that really post with any regularity and then each week we get between 1-3 introductions of couples that want to be poly, as long as they can find a third. So it does get exhausting and make you start to wonder if that is the norm.

Honestly, that is why I come here. You can, through reading posts, replies and blogs, get a clearer picture. There is no majority of poly that I can see here. There are different 'groups' if you want to look at it that way. Those that are married and poly, those that are single and poly, those looking for closed groups, those that are looking to keep things open, those that want all 'primaries' and living together, those that are not interested in cohabitations at all!

Believe me, the 'majority' of married couples are not like that at all. I do see your frustration though and hope that by reading more here and posting more you'll see that it is not the majority at all!

Hubby and Boyfriend have met once, and it wasn't until after Boyfriend and I had been dating over a year and more because of an emergency than anything! They still have only spoken directly once. While I was in surgery, a text to let the other know I was all right. It's not that they dislike each other, it's just that there is no reason for them to communicate really. We are all honest with each other and so communication can come through me on important issues and even joking. IF they felt the need to communicate or all three of us together we would. No problem, but there is no requirement at all for them to even like each other!
 

Natja

New member
Not always. I've seen a few Unicorn Hunters even in the short time I've been here who seem to have skipped the bit about people only sleeping with people of the gender(s) they're attracted to. The female (always, never the male) is just expected to suck it up and go along.

Yowsers! :(

I have not seen that, though I have seen a few that state they will bed share. The new woman hasn't got any say in the matter that is already decided!

I saw a single man advertise the other day for two women he writes "I prefer bisexual women because I would want us to share our love"
:eek: *bluergh Vomit*
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.

I'm not saying it isn't possible, I'm just saying that if I find someone I love and wish to spend time with it shouldn't be required that my spouse accept them also .

Ummm... the requirement that both my guys be sexually involved with each other is farking ridiculous because i am married. Both my guys are straight.

My boyfriend and husband are respectful of each other and friendly. But other than that they do not hang out or etc. We spend holidays, kid events. and etc together . My boyfriend comes and spends the night in my home. My husband sleeps in the spare bedroom. But my relationships are run as seperate but equal entities .
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I don't buy into this polyamorous requirement that if you are legally married to someone that your spouse has to also be romantically involved with the other person you are in love with.

Don't buy into it then. If it isn't for you then do something else.

I'm not sure where you are getting the information that this is the norm, maybe Vix is right and you are reading a lot of the introductions or dating sites. That is one very specific type of polyamorous relationship; unicorn hunters and/or the triad-quad arrangement. How those arrangements work is beyond me but I am told that periodically they can be quite successful.
 

Flowerchild

New member
Hmmmm

Don't buy into it then. If it isn't for you then do something else.

I'm not sure where you are getting the information that this is the norm, maybe Vix is right and you are reading a lot of the introductions or dating sites. That is one very specific type of polyamorous relationship; unicorn hunters and/or the triad-quad arrangement. How those arrangements work is beyond me but I am told that periodically they can be quite successful.

Yeah, it's surprising how rare triads/quads/group relationships are...
 

gorgeouskitten

New member
Don't buy into it then. If it isn't for you then do something else.

I'm not sure where you are getting the information that this is the norm, maybe Vix is right and you are reading a lot of the introductions or dating sites. That is one very specific type of polyamorous relationship; unicorn hunters and/or the triad-quad arrangement. How those arrangements work is beyond me but I am told that periodically they can be quite successful.

Agreed Marcus. Currently, we both date outside our marriage (my spouse IS friends with my BF). And we just made friends with this great couple, the wife and I have discussed how neat it would be to be a quad, but we arent sure it will really work or happen. Ive heard it cane be great, but rare.
 

northhome

New member
Yeah, it's surprising how rare triads/quads/group relationships are...

My guess is that it's not part our biological make-up. We are built to have sex one-on-one after all (at least when it comes to the procreative aspect). Some commentators believe that multiple one-on-one relationships may in fact be the 'normal' state of affairs for homo sapiens and that monogamy is a social construct. But that's another discussion altogether.

So there probably needs to be another level of socialisation skills available to make triads etc. work. These skills aren't hard-wired and therefore require learning. Not everyone wants to make the effort to acquire these skills, or is interested in the first place.
 
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