ok i know my spelling is atrocious and my grammar is worse but i had to clear my chest my wife and i have been together for over ten years and she is definitely not straight and is currently dating a woman who all i know anything about is her first name and that my wife cares for and is possibly in love with but cant be sure, when we first got married it was just us but we early on allowed mutual friends live with us to get by probably the first 2-3 years when we should have been purely focused on us but i couldnt let my " brothers" live on the street and she was so nice she would never have told me no. i dont know for sure if she hated those times or not but i couldnt blame her if she did. but as soon as it was just us in the house (apt) she decided she wanted to try seeing a woman she met ( dont know how they met , was never given a name all i was told was she likes this girl who is married to a guy in the military and she wants to go try it out,) me being ok with her dating other men when we were younger was like ok sure i just need some basic info about her maybe meet her, well she was not ok with any of that was told i was invading her privacy and that who she dates is up to her. i love her always have as far as i can tell i always will cant see something that would push me that far away so i say fine and was pretty angry my wife needed someone other than me so when she gets home shes like yea we hooked up but really she just ate me and then i bailed , i was a little jealous that she had taken off and didnt take my feelings (toxic manhood) in to account , we had a fight about it but never really resolved anything because my requests were just being pushed to the side as if they were unrealistic and i was to insecure to accept it but as far as i can tell they were not unheard of things to ask for (may still be to insecure) , then a few years 5 or 6 went by no new people but once in a while we both check out a girl or she would say something like oh shes pretty etc and i would tell her to go talk to them but nothing that i know of actually happend unless she was talking to them onlie or on her phone or something but really had no time to do much as we spent a large majority of our free time together and nevr told me about any thing . then comes 2020 she tells me about the girls shes been chatting up from tinder etc which i knew she was doing but never saw anything come of it so figured it was just like when we were younger and then when the shutdowns started she met someone she was interested in spending time with probably more lonely and needing more attention than i could give at the time because i was so caught up in worrying about keeping her and the kid safe and fed going to my job where i deal with people face to face that come from all over the country .(transportation industry) i failed her there ,so again i made the same ask, i would like to meet the person you are dating , know their name , when do you plan on being home since i have to make sure the kid dont find out since she doesnt want her knowing (not sure why shes a teenager not like she would out her or anything), but i was told knowing this persons name and seeing an instagram photo of her should be enough. so i backed off because i again i love her and i remember how bad it was when were younger and i pushed my needs in to the situation, they went out a few times but it never worked out. she did once in a while talk to me about the way she felt when she was tring to date heror how she was afraid to move to fast and i kept telling her she had to make her move but she either never did or never told me she did but came home sad that it never really went anywhere then about a month in they finally just stopped and her friend basically ghosted her. finally sometime around october november she met another woman who she really liked im guessing they had some serious back and forths online because one day she just comes up to me and says shes trying going out again with some one her name is ... shes married and wants nothing to do with you so just mind mine own, it was hard but i did it i really just want her to be happy so they do dates basically 1 to 2 times a week but everytime she comes home she sneaks in like she was up to no good which bothered me but i didnt want to say anything that might push her to think i was trying to stop the dates but after the 6th or 7th time i finally resolved my self to talk to her about it. i had been very lightly reading on what poly realy is and had just started learning how we are supposed to handle these kinds of things thinking i learned tons from a couple fet life and polyamory.com articles discussions so after i get home the next day i mention i have a me problem and once we get the kid to bed id like to talk about her dating. since she hasnt been telling me anything about how this one is going not really letting me in at all i felt like she was pulling away and shutting me out making me fear losing her which adds jealosy to the mix, after kid finally goes to bed i sit down with her and start to speak telling her i have some jealosy that i need to work through and i feel like shes pulling away she imedialy tells me she wants a divorce and that i wont be ruining her relationship again, of course she has way more things shes upset about other than me possibly fucking up the new relationship, so we cry and of course i try to talk her out of it but shes not hearing it. so she takes off to call her gf and then comes to bed a few hours later we talk for a bit and she agrees to let me have another chance so i amim not bothered by her dating other people slowly trying to build or marriage to what it always should have been. so if anyone reads this advice would be nice. ask any questions you need to clarify something i just dont wann lose the one good thing in my life because i dont know how to poly properly. then on the other side of this she had me set up a dating profile so i could look for our quote unquote unicorn and some one for me to date this was probably 6 months back. i never really took it serious because i dont know if i could properly love two people with out hurting one of them most likely her because i would get the NRE and forget to take care of the one i have i did it with friendships all my life so im sure i would do the same with love so i kinda looked into the swinging side or hookups but she gets very venemous when i talk about any of it with her like when i talk to her about how i feel about it if i were to try seeing some one and would need a real assurance it wouldnt cost me her if i were to try seeing some one and ask what she would need from me i get the i honestly dont give a fuck go do what you want which makes me think if i ever did meet someone i wanted to try these things with i would probably be without her reals shortly after. please help me be better at this stuff. and call me out if something is wrong with the way i do things.