I'm just so lost

CrowInk

New member
Hi all,

I know I haven't been an active poster really, but i suppose I'm seeking more advice and whatnot so I thought I'd open a thread for myself here. I'll shortly introduce myself again- I'm a female looking for a woman to be with my boyfriend and I, being lower on the totem pole. I understand that everyone strives for equal value in the mystical "tri" poly relationship but I'm not all about that. I have been playing with the word "cuckquean" but honestly it isn't just a fetish thing I want to indulge in- its a full time commitment that I want to be involved in for the rest of our lives. I just want a wife for my love, someone to bear him children and to marry. We love eachother but we know between us, kids and marriage just won't work. He wants kids, he wants children but I know and he knows we both can't commit to that ourselves. I don't want children, I don't want the responsibility of being married and not meeting his family's expectations. Its just not something we want- and we absolutely do not want to part ways.

We have our built relationship and its something that we know we want to be together for the rest of our lives. Secondly I am a naturally submissive girl-type who is also bisexual (I lust after women far more than I do for men) but I have never been in a relationship with a woman. He wants me to experiment but I just don't know how to. I love women, I would love to be in a relationship where a woman would marry him and be successful and be his wife. They can flourish together while I can be their lover/partner/girlfriend whatever. I would really love it if the woman felt feelings for me sexually but if she just casually was bicurious or only a little bisexual thats fine too. My fantasy is that she would desire me just as I would desire her but she doesn't have to be "in love" with me if she can't/doesn't want to. I would it, as an ideal, for her to be in love with me too but I'm not picky... I just want this to happen in reality - however way it needs to be. I definitely would add to the relationship (i'm not a deadbeat, but I am an artist-type and I do a lot of odd artisty jobs and whatnot) and would be whatever they wish of me. Working full time, being the nanny for their children, being the house-keeper. Everything. I love that idea...

I had gotten good advice from my previous introduction thread but really. What is everyone's social level here? I'm no social butterfly at ALL. Since I have a good head on my shoulders as to what to do listen here- He lives in a different city than me right now going to a top law school, where I am in the same state and I'm working on computers and doing free-lance production assistance work. We have been together for 7 years, going on 8 and we just don't know how to socialize. Where would I start "dating" girls? How does one even go about that? I guess.. I just want personal help on my personal problem of going about this whole thing. Thank you so much everyone.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
If I'm reading correctly, you're a little nervous about meeting women because you aren't comfortable in social situations. You want to help your partner find a wife, but you're not sure how to go about doing that.

My first reaction is that it needs to be him that does the looking for his future wife. What you're seeking is pretty unique, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it might weird out a lot of women to be approached for marriage and motherhood by a man's current partner. Especially if you're looking to be secondary and the relationship between you and her is optional, it's really important that they click.

Because what you're seeking is so unique, I would guess that your best chances will occur in some kind of kink scene or online forum. Not to say it will be impossible to find this woman while shopping for broccoli, but it's not likely.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Hello and welcome to the forums. i think that you are very clear on what you are interested in...which is very refreshing. My concerns would be that a.) he really needs to find his own "wife" - you can help him shop for a play-partner but a "wife/childbearer"? b,) I'd be concerned that anyone who would be interested in the position would be a "cowgirl" who who try to cut you out of the relationship (or turn you into a mutual "slave" - unless that is what you want). I'd be (if it were me) looking at kink sites (not, mind you, that I know much about the kink scenes).

I'd love to have a "wife" for (one or the other of) my boys (and me! bearing children not required) - someone to "take care" of us...in the ways that we haven't figured out for ourselves. (oh, for a woman with a cleaning fetish! ;))
 

CrowInk

New member
If I'm reading correctly, you're a little nervous about meeting women because you aren't comfortable in social situations. You want to help your partner find a wife, but you're not sure how to go about doing that.

My first reaction is that it needs to be him that does the looking for his future wife. What you're seeking is pretty unique, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it might weird out a lot of women to be approached for marriage and motherhood by a man's current partner. Especially if you're looking to be secondary and the relationship between you and her is optional, it's really important that they click.

Because what you're seeking is so unique, I would guess that your best chances will occur in some kind of kink scene or online forum. Not to say it will be impossible to find this woman while shopping for broccoli, but it's not likely.

I agree with both of you on the idea of him looking for the future wife, law school is keeping him busy and he too is pretty socially inept compared to most in the world when it comes to dating and whatnot. I was introduced via this site to fetlife, but I am wondering if there are any other websites out there..

JaneQSmythe said:
Hello and welcome to the forums. i think that you are very clear on what you are interested in...which is very refreshing. My concerns would be that a.) he really needs to find his own "wife" - you can help him shop for a play-partner but a "wife/childbearer"? b,) I'd be concerned that anyone who would be interested in the position would be a "cowgirl" who who try to cut you out of the relationship (or turn you into a mutual "slave" - unless that is what you want). I'd be (if it were me) looking at kink sites (not, mind you, that I know much about the kink scenes).

I'd love to have a "wife" for (one or the other of) my boys (and me! bearing children not required) - someone to "take care" of us...in the ways that we haven't figured out for ourselves. (oh, for a woman with a cleaning fetish! )

Hmm yes the idea of a cowgirl is kinda scary if she wanted to cut me out but I know he wouldn't really stand for any of that. The slave part isn't as terrible lol :D I'm glad to know that what I'm seeking doesn't seem too out of the ordinary.

-

So I suppose I can ask this... general dating tips in regards to meeting people (him meeting women, me becoming more comfortable by dating/casual stuff with woman) Are you.. "out" as I see the word tossed around here? I mean, his main concern is that if he tries to see a woman that she would be immediately turned off by the fact that he has a "girlfriend". He says he wants to date and build confidence in meeting women to fulfill our desires but he doesn't know how to scare them off or even start the conversation off.

When you first try to set up a date I guess the question would be- what would be the type ways to introduce the fact that he already has a girlfriend but is looking for serious relationships with me included... When or where does that all come out? It seems like something one should know when they first meet otherwise it may seem underhanded? Do you advertise yourself as "i'm in an open relationship"? Again, with concerns of a "cowgirl" finding that she knows going in on a date but already has it in her mind to cut me out.

With me I see it as a less of an issue since if I'm seeing a girl i'm not "wife-shopping" but rather getting my feet wet or whatnot... Since hes busy with law school and finals he doesn't have the time to get set up on this forum which is why I'm on here at the moment but I'm sort of asking the advice he would want which was above. He isn't really sure how to "get dates" to begin with since hes in a small college town and is actually a quiet and respectable person (compared to the loud raunchy type that generally lives there). Would one try to "pick up a date" or make an advertisement somewhere? Go to bars? Most of the "nerdy" places he visits its the guys bring their girlfriends. Or to build confidence in dating women it shouldn't be hidden that I exist since he speaks to me every day and would probably find it extremely hard to not have evidence of me (plus, he said that would make him feel terrible for both parties). Its obviously that its all new to us and we are pretty young still but not young enough to not know this is where we want to be in life.

I guess... general male dating poly tips with the knowledge that he lives in a small town USA in a campus? (is it wrong to go to the undergraduates as well? I don't think so IMO)
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi, I think I commented on your other thread and maybe suggested Fetlife to you.

Your bf has some strikes against him, as you know. The dating pool for polyamorous people is quite small, and smaller still in a small town. There are many more polys in bigger coastal cities like Boston or Vancouver in Canada.

The best site I have found for dating is OK Cupid. But Fetlife can work too. Many cities and towns have "munches" for kinky people. And you two fall into that category, since you desire to be a slave to both him and his future wife. Munches are low key meetups for kinksters, where you arrive in street clothes in a public place, just to talk and meet people. Make friends, network.

It's always important to be upfront about being poly to prospective new partners. On a site like FL or okc you can mention it right in your profiles (I do not recommend a joint profile, those are icky).

I hear you want a nice tidy triad, but those can be very hard to come by. Even though your standards are low and you don't expect Her to love both you and your bf equally, there will still be an issue of compatibility.

I highly recommend you get your feet wet, taking the plunge and start trying to date women on your own. No expectations or desperations for your long term goal yet, just getting some experience and practice. As you said, you're young yet and your bf is too busy with law school to be wife hunting too.

One more site just for education about common poly issues is

http://www.morethantwo.com/
 

PolyinPractice

New member
Couple of things

I think it's cool that you are so sure of what you want. Just a bit of advice: If this woman is going to be your husband's girlfriend/wife, he really needs to do the seeking himself. I know he's busy. But if he's too busy to look; he's too busy to maintain two romantic relationships. Tough love :)

Also, don't feel pressured to date, either your husband's girlfriend or your own. You'll get plenty of flak for doing so, I'm sure, but if you need to, I like using the phrase, "Do you really think I'm such a loser that I am doing this just to 'keep' my boyfriend?" Sometimes they realize then what they're saying. Sometimes they think I am letting myself be victimized; in which case, I don't need them as friends. Don't let people victimize you.
 

CrowInk

New member
Magdlyn- Yes you did! I was too shy to be very active on fetlife... but I went to an IRL bisexual meetup and i'm slowly trying to build my confidence... I totally agree with everything you're saying and I get that! Since there isn't any easy groups like you said.. I'm slowly trying to come out of my shell and go to poly meets, bi meets... stuff like that! I'm trying to educate myself (this is very new meaning just yesterday) the fact that i'm still in the closet with my friends and family is also an issue. Thank you again for your advice!


PolyinPractice- Thank you!! Your point about them saying that is another thing I was going to address but yes, totally.. utterly agreed. I also totally understand about if hes too busy for that then hes too busy for it. I've encouraged him to go on this website (he did! next step is for him to post) and I've encouraged him to try to start dating women near him (but with the woman knowing about my existence) but I guess its just hard for him to date to begin with.

I mean its like this - we both really don't know how to get dates *generally* let alone in the hopes of poly relationships!
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
I think one of the most important things about "trying to get dates" is to not be afraid of rejection. Because: you will get rejected. A lot. It's nothing personal -- just like you wouldn't date everyone who's interested in you, not everyone you're interested in will date you.

Once you get over the fear of rejection and accept that it's not a reflection on your personal worth, it's much easier to get dates, because you'll be comfortable asking more people. The assumption being, of course, that you have to ask people for dates if you want to get dates.
 
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