Im poly dating a mono.. Hmmm help?

Nzlovergirl

Nzlovergirl

New member
Ok, so, my husband and I have been in a poly relationship for at least the last two years. He has a wonderful girlfriend. I have recently started seeing a guy. I realised early on that I have very strong feelings for this man, and him for me. And I let him know how I felt.

Now to be clear: he has known me for 2+ years as his employee. He knows I'm married. He met my husband a couple of years ago. I made it clear that my husband and I have a very firm, stable and poly relationship. I don't like to label things. but if I had to, my husband is my primary partner. I would say this because I live with him, we pool our finances, and we have a mortgage together.

Now, my problem is this: my boyfriend is trying to come to terms with the fact that he has to share me. I am well aware that he feels that he is monogamous. He knows I am not, and we try to understand this about each other.

I love him, and I continue to feel new wonderous feelings for him with each passing day, which I share with him as much as possible. But he gets very jealous at the idea that I have a husband. He says: "The guy? He's great! under different circumstance we could be friends. We have similar interests. But the husband? I hate him and he is the enemy."

I almost cried when he told me this last night. I don't expect them to be bestest buddies, but I had hoped that they could meet and get to know each other, so that my bf can understand that I love my husband very much and yet, love him too.

He said to me last night: "I'm concerned about you driving home tonight, after all this talking." (it was 2am). "How about you stay here tonight and go home in the morning?"

I said, "No. That would upset my husband as he has not seen me since Friday. I will go home."

He then went on to say that he did not understand how I can say I love him and need him in my life and yet walk out the door. I tried to explain it's because I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him.

My bf also made comments asking me whether I wanted him to have 'half' a relationship. While I understand where he is coming from, we have only been dating for four months or so. We are in the early stages. We're not at the stage, I don't feel, where I would consider spending all week with him, nor moving in together. We're just not there yet! Even if I could, I don't feel ready for that.

Half a relationship? Does anyone else understand this? Perhaps you can word it a bit more appropriately for me as I don't feel I fully understand it.

I think I'm just looking for some advice from poly's dating monos, or even some monos out there.

Edited to say: I am in more of a polyfidelitous relationship and am not looking to change this any time soon.
 
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Welcome

There is something very sweet and vulnerable about your post. You seem to be trying to take it all in stride and I applaud you for your wish to understand these people in your life.

I think it's safe to say that anyone, when first dealing with the concepts of poly, has a hard time rearranging their thought pattens, because it goes against what most of us have been taught.

I think most people are more comfortable with extramarital affairs than they are with polyamory, because with a secret affair, there is that ownership, to share your own universe, feel like you're the only one, if even for a few hours at an opportune time.

Oh, look! I've made it about me now. :)

I don't have much experience, but I've lived a few years, and the adjustment is just a difficult one, life-changing, in fact. A catalyst for all of your fears and social programming. Give it time. It seems you are willing to ride out the curve and teach through your actions.

-R
 
Thank you for your reply, Rarechild.

I guess I am really trying to be patient, and help him learn about how I love others and that he is one that has grabbed a piece of my heart..

I am committed to working through it with him and my husband. I'm just lost, as he doesn't understand a lot of what I say in terms of how I can love him and my hubby. I think he is rather possessive and wants me to himself, but knows that this cannot be. Hence, the half a relationship comment.
 
This sort of situation is always difficult and heartwrenching. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it right now.

I think the key question I'd be asking your boyfriend right now is, "Are you willing to take ownership and work through your jealousy?" If the answer is yes, it's possible to work through these things and have things be successful. It'll take work, but it's possible. If the answer is no, it's probably best to say, "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work," and move on.

How much would you say your boyfriend knows about polyamory as a subject in general? Has he done any reading on the subject or is what he knows based solely on what you've told him? I think a good step may be to try to encourage him to do some research on his own about polyamory and say that you're available if he has questions.
 
He is trying to work through his jealousy on his own. I know that he is in a state of denial over it all. In terms of his knowledge, he refuses to read anything on the topic.

I was talking to him last night and he said that it's hard, because normally you have an idea of what to do at certain milestones and situations, because in society it's ingrained, or you can simply ask a friend or family member for help. For him, he says, he never knows to ask until the situation comes up.

He says that right now it's a glass half full situation and he is willing to just take it one day at a time..
 
If your boyfriend does not respect your husband, leave him. Based on what he has said, I don't see him coming to grips with sharing you with anyone. He is mono wanting a mono girlfriend. He will probably push more and more.

I saw one of Redepepper's ex-lover's less than respectful interaction with her husband and it drove me insane. I couldn't understand why she would give so much of herself to someone who didn't respect him as much as I did. I realize this was my perception of it, but regardless, it hurt me.

I'm not Redpepper's husband, I'm her boyfriend. This kind of situation pushes buttons in me that I can't fully explain, other than saying I want to shake people and tell them to show their spouses the respect they deserve and dump anyone who speaks disrespectfully of them. I'm tired of hearing "but my heart wants this." Show some respect! Imagine how you would feel if you were the spouse being spoken of this way, and be an adult. Set boundries, accept reality, and explain it to your other partners. If they can't handle it, move on.

If I ever show disrespect towards Redpepper's husband, I hope someone steps in and gives me the ass-kicking I deserve, before she dumps me. This fucking annoys me.
 
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Nzlovergirl said:
Half a relationship? Does anyone else understand this? Perhaps you can word it a bit more appropriately for me, as I don't feel i fully understand it.
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Half a relationship

Here's my take on a person entering an established marriage, especially one involving a married person.

If the "additional" person has not experienced things like marriage, having kids, buying a house, family events, holidays and whatever with their own partner/family, then they will feel as though they are missing something. Why? Because they won't get to experience all these things to the same extent as they would in a traditional relationship. It will be different.

The best mono to enter a poly relationship is one who has experienced a fair bit of life and who respects everyone in the dynamic. Someone who hasn't gotten to experience all the things associated with a traditional monogamous relationship will probably wonder what it would be like. There is a difference. I come from a long-term traditional relationship, bought all the stuff usually associated with success, raised a child to the teen years, and then I entered a poly-fidelitous relationship.
 
I would have to agree with Mono, although I am probably a little less passionate about it. (Love that you are so protective, babes!)

It is a bit of a red flag if he won't do some of his own digging on what poly is and has the attitude he has. It sounds like he is not getting his needs met, with his "half a relationship" comment. And instead of negotiating with you and your husband, he is being a little boy and demanding he get more.

I know how much time it takes to have more than one relationship! There is no time for anyone to be demanding and childish. If they can't deal with it properly, then I would have to agree, it's time to say goodbye and find someone who is respectful to your needs and your husband's needs and is willing to negotiate. Of course, if you put this to him, he may rise to the occasion and change his ways, especially if you talk about moving on.

It sounds a little bit like he is giving you an ultimatum-- him or your husband. Perhaps he hasn't bothered finding out about poly because he thought by now you would want to leave your husband for him?

Too bad he won't come on here. Mono has written a lot on this topic and would certainly express his some hard-earned wisdom!
 
I know I posted him a link to one of Mono's writings and he did read it. I feel that perhaps he has blinkers on, to be honest.

In terms of disrespect: he does not disrespect my husband. He just does not talk about him. And when I do, he listens and says nothing.

He is not pushing me to leave, as he knows that I am deeply committed to my husband, but I will not just give up on this man over a few problems. It took me six months originally to get used to and lose my socially-constructed monogamous views to become the many-loving woman I am today.

So, telling me to leave him is not the way to go, people. :) Though I understand you are passionate about it, the way your relationship is working and your ability to feel compersion is not where my bf is at just yet. This is new to him. He is only 26 and this is his first serious relationship.

He says he is willing to work through it. I have mentioned that it is starting to frustrate me, and he is slowly realising why, but I know that these things take time.

Thank you for your views. Mono. :) Please think a little more outside the box for me though, as I refuse to give up, as I will not lose another love this year! (If I do, it's number three... :confused: )
 
Nzlovergirl said:
He does not disrespect my husband. He just does not talk about him. And when I do, he listens and says nothing.
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Sorry, but I was going off your previous statement, which said, "But the husband? I hate him and he is the enemy." To me, that is disrespect of the highest order. I'm sorry if this is not what he actually said.

He is young, this is his first serious relationship and it's poly. I'm sorry again, but I see a lot of warnings here. Even if he manages to get over his internal issues, he'll have to deal with a lot of external ones related to peer pressure and disapproval. You're in a tough spot, but I wish you well.
 
I'm sorry, my friend, but it just doesn't seem to be in your best interest to stay. He doesn't seem all that into you for the long haul. I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long-term serious relationship when it's one's first. I would think at his age and stage, being monogamous, that he would do better to find a mono woman.

Yup, I think you better start protecting your heart and think about what you will do if he leaves, because it sounds like he is thinking these things.

I'm sorry you don't want to hear this, and it isn't the answer you want, but I see no other option for either of you. :(
 
redpepper said:
He doesn't seem all that into you for the long haul. I am not so sure that a poly relationship can be considered a long term serious relationship when its ones first. I would think at his age and stage, being monogamous that he would do better to find a mono woman.
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This is the fundamental reason (what Mono said about it too) that things didn't go anywhere with my Other Guy from my first post on this forum.

He has never been in a "serious" relationship before, where he could bring someone home to his family for the holidays, etc. And he wants kids, which I would not be prepared to do even if I WEREN'T married to someone else. He saw a poly relationship as having "no future" - none for HIM that is, according to the life-script he felt compelled to follow.
 
On the "half a relationship" comment, I think I may be able to clarify, as I'm in a similar situation, albeit less complicated, as it's only the two of us talking about my girlfriend taking another partner. He is mono and only seeing you. In his mind, you are the only person he needs. You are on the level of family, maybe even higher. He probably sees you caring about him on the same level you care about someone else as cheating, worse because there is sex involved. For mono people like myself, a partner or lover is one of the highest levels of relationship, and it is reserved for only one person you care about above all else, at least in such a way. He sees himself as only being able to be half of what you need to be happy. He sees your husband as being what he can't be to you.

It's painful and hard to explain, but that's my attempt. I hope it's helpful to you. If it doesn't make sense, I apologize. I'm not good at articulating myself, worse still at explaining emotions.
 
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Ok, I've talked to him, and first off, he would like to say: thanks for the support (or lack thereof) as he does not feel that many have actually said: Hey, it can work.

To quote him from an email about this:

Yes, I do not want to meet him (at this time), or have a relationship with him (at this time) and will not frequently bring him up in conversation with you. BUT I HAVE NO PROBLEM TALKING ABOUT HIM WITH YOU. (Sorry for yelling, but I am both worked up and feel like I have been trying to say that for weeks now, and apparently you still haven’t heard me.) Yes, I might get quiet at times (I just don’t have anything to say, but it is not because I am uncomfortable), but in all honesty, I quite like hearing about what you and him get up to, as he is an important part of your life.

In a way, I know part of the emotion in me is the fact these people are somewhat right. If I didn’t see a future for us (the three of us), then I would have to agree with them and move on out. But I do! I don’t know exactly what it looks like, and when I try to pin it down right now I can’t see how it could work for all of us. (Hey, come on. Let’s remember we are only 3+ months into this, plenty can change, and I hope it does.) I know that I am immature when it comes to relationships. I can’t say whether it would be any easier in a mono relationship (maybe harder, because it would be easier just to move on because we don’t want to work through our concerns.)

As for the "half a relationship," he makes a good point. I have always thought about those things in my life. But let’s be honest, if they meant that much to me, I would have been doing much more, much sooner, and I wouldn’t be here with you!

Lastly (I am sorry for ranting on here), the one that really sticks in my back is the comment about how I am apparently giving you an ultimatum!? I won’t lie, it has crossed my mind, but I know that is not what I want anyway (for MANY MANY reasons)! When have I ever demanded to have more? Yes, I may ask, and when you say no, I know it is for good reason.

Yeah, so I'm not ready to just let him go just yet. ;)
 
I understand it is hard for your bf to come to terms with the situation. I was talking about cowgirls/cowboys today with my lover, Bee.

COWBOY: Colloquial A monogamous man who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous woman with the intention of separating her from any other partners and bringing her into a monogamous relationship.

The thing is, being poly puts you in this minority... at least where I live. Anyone who finds out you're poly, if they are attracted to you, it makes you even more attractive. But sometimes, as illustrated by rolypoly here, not exactly in the way you want.

But that's the paradigm, butting heads. The mono is trying to make sense of the poly in mono terms. The poly is doing the opposite. That's how a lot of people get beat up on these forums (like your bf), also because there's a lot of support here. We see the jealousy, the possessiveness, the insecurity and we think "Aw damn, girl, you don't need that!"

We're all humans, we all have faults, and most of us are trying to do our best to do right by the people we meet and develop caring and trust for. Your bf might want to change, or he might like himself just the way he is. The big concern I have is that statement you made about him seeing your husband as the enemy whom he hates. Your husband has the decency to knowingly, metaphorically, let a man walk into his house to enjoy the company of his wife and that man sees him as an enemy to be hated?
 
Legion said:
The big concern I have is that statement you made about him seeing your husband as the enemy whom he hates. Your husband has the decency to knowingly, metaphorically, let a man walk into his house to enjoy the company of his wife, and that man sees him as an enemy to be hated?
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That was the big warning bell for me too. It's hard to take that kind of statement back.
 
Yup, I think she's done, Legion. We have been over it. Don't get me wrong, I totally agree, but she thinks he is worth sticking with, and that is the end of it for her. She came here hoping for someone to tell her that they thought there was good news. There was next to none given, and that seemed to piss her off. Time will tell. That is that. I am sure we won't hear about it if it doesn't work out, and will perhaps get it rubbed in our face if it does.

I am refreshed that you, Legion, see the value in being pushed to look at things differently by those on this forum. To me, that is what it is all about. We don't know each other from Adam, so what does it really matter, other than we can take other's opinions in and use them to educate ourselves? That is certainly what I have gained!
 
redpepper said:
That is what it is all about. We don't know each other from Adam, so what does it really matter, other than we can take others opinions in and use them to educate ourselves?
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That's exactly what I've gained from this forum. I'm very grateful to see all the different opinions here. Whether I agree with them or not, it makes me think, and reflect. *Group Hug* :)
 
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