In the garden

Evie

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
I think I'm ready for a blog. I don't know how much it will get used, we'll find out together.

Hi, I'm Evie, from NZ. I'm LDR (temporary until April/May next year) with Hubby (I'll call him Adam...). My poly life consists of Adam, and then a bunch of dear friends I catch up with as and when time and money allow (everyone is scattered around the North Island). I don't date as such.

My friends are, Chalk (formerly R) and Cheese (D) who live in the same town but are as different as you could possibly imagine. I met them the same year when I lived in that town. Cheese was my flatmate - he gets to be called Cheese because of his real passion for cooking - and Chalk was actually Adam's flatmate when I met them. I was sleeping with Chalk first, but it was early and very casual when Adam and I connected and just knew we were heading towards marriage. Chalk took a back seat graciously.

Then there's Siege in a different town. I've known Siege for 20 years. He's the one who sent me the lovely text message I mentioned over at the How Are You Doing? thread. And in the category of old friends, there's also Tech, who I've also known for nearly 20 years. It's too complicated to even explain :)

And in Australia there's some lovely friends, one being the first love of my life, Trask. I don't know if I'll ever get to see him again. That might be for the best. We still talk once in a while.

And recently I've been back in touch with Golf (M) after an absence. He's the only one Adam hasn't met because we weren't close while I was getting to know Adam (we've been together for just over 3 years). For a while, back around June, I was NREing all over the place, which was what motivated me to join here to have the chance to let it out. It's all since cooled because schedules just don't match and we don't get to see each other. That might change if he gets the business opportunity he's pursuing as it's a lot closer to me than where he lives now.

And I'm Evie. 37, cisf, heteroflex, childfree umm, what else? Injury made me put the karate on hold. I work in theatre (shows not surgery) sometimes. And I've recovered enough from my Christian upbringing that I've embraced Hermeticism (not actually incompatible).

So, intros over, tomorrow I'm driving up country to go to watch Dylan Moran on Sunday night (wheeee). I'll be staying with Chalk on Saturday night, and Cheese on Sunday night after we go to the show together. Adam is just starting to move beyond DADT (after some wonderful recent conversations) and has been prepared to hear that I will stay in their beds (both have flatmates, there are no spare rooms). The next post will most likely be about how great the show was :)

Finally, after a week of horrendous expenses (and a kindness from the loveliest mechanic who knocked the bill down), I have a job offer. It doesn't start for just over a month, but the end of the drought is in sight. It's a 6 month contract for a rather low hourly rate, but in this job market, it's work. IT'S WORK and I'm really excited!

Well, until after the weekend...

Ka kite
Evie
 
Dylan Moran on Sunday night was a lot of fun. I shouldn't have had as much trouble seeing at the distance I was at; the follow spot was rather dim or had a dreadful coloured gel in it (I can say that as I operate them myself). But there were laughs a plenty.

There wasn't nearly enough sleep. I'm out of practice sharing a bed and Chalk started work at ungodly o'clock on Sunday morning and woke up before his alarm, which meant time for a last cuddle, but I could also feel the sadness from him.

I went roller skating at my old club on Sunday morning. Not for long - a. I'm unfit and b. hire skates, ugh. Then I went to Cheese' place and had a lovely afternoon while he was still sober. By the show, he wasn't, and I was sober driving so quite a mismatch. Then after the show he kept drinking for a long time and subsequently keeping me awake. He's always been too fond of it, but I didn't realise he's not working at the moment so he's rather out of control. He's a belligerent drunk too, so it's exhausting even trying to ignore his anarchist and bigoted ranting.

And then I drove home in shitty weather on Monday and the internet was down when I got back, I was tired, and I didn't get to reconnect with Adam as much as I would have liked. Much better tonight with a nice long video skype and lots of declarations of love. He seems to have weathered my weekend well.

Driving home I was acutely aware of my own solitude and also that I was feeling like something was still really missing, sexually. (That something would be Golf). I'd stopped in a small town after the worst of the drive to have a rest before tackling the last hour and a half or so. I'd spoken to Adam then and he'd borne the brunt of tired, slightly stressed me, and I still wasn't feeling like driving again, so I texted Golf a quick hello and that I'd stopped in x town for a break. He called and we spoke for a good 15 mins at the end of which I was feeling much more ready for the rest of the drive. Being the long distance driver he also is, he praised me for stopping for a decent break.

Then today after an early morning drive to collect my new job contract, I spent quite a lot of the late morning/early afternoon texting Golf. I'm continually surprised by him, in a really good way. He is very kind and caring and it shines through when I express any vulnerability.

I'm really grateful to Dustytx's recent post where Galagirl mentioned sub/poly drop. It helped me understand what I needed after the intense connections followed by solitude. And also to ensure I checked in with Chalk for his well-being.

I typed that then I thought I should really check in on Cheese too... So I've just been texting him. I can tell from his replies that he's sober, or comparatively, tonight. I'm glad for his health's sake, but I'm peeved that he saw my visit as a chance to cut loose, because he really is Mr Hyde when he's drinking.

But back to happier subjects... Golf has suggested we might be able to catch up in person next week. I'm getting "weak kneed" just thinking about it ;)

And Adam is plotting ways that I can spend more time with him on my weekend when he's in the North Island in early December. I really miss him so even one extra night, even if we're also hanging out with his mates (who like me anyway :) ) for a lot of it, would be awesome.
 
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I've read about this a few times now, and rather than get all preachy on another person's thread, I thought I'd bring it in here.

I simply don't understand the directive not to fall in love. Well, ok, I understand it, but I think it's ridiculous.

It's this expectation/restriction that leads to some of the biggest messes. Firstly, person A. is trying to tell persons B, C, etc. what to FEEL (or not). Bahahaha, that's never going to end well. Secondly, to me love is more than a feeling, it's what I am. To tell me not to love another, particularly one with whom I have a connection that has precipitated a sexual relationship, is akin to tell me to stop existing.

Just consider the corollary, being this statement, for a moment:

"You must fall out of love with that person right now."

roflmao. **** off.
 
I'm finally going to catch with with Golf on Monday, probably just for somewhere between half an hour and an hour as he's travelling through. Not quite the 'quality' time we're both anticipating, but it will be great to see him, albeit a simple sushi date.

He's in the process of trying to buy a shop only half an hour away from where I live, which will hopefully make it possible to catch up a little more often over the summer. Although I'll be working standard office hours half an hour in the other direction and he's likely to be working at least one day a weekend. So, there will still probably be a lot of near misses. It's certainly different for me getting to know someone this slowly! But even through text and a few phone calls I'm learning about him, but actually a lot more about me.

Adam is also learning a little about me and about himself, I suspect, as I talk about Golf here and there, checking with what information he is comfortable. I hope one day to be able to be a lot more open with information with him knowing that me being sexual with my friends is no threat to him. For now, he's ok with knowing where I am, who I'm with, but dadt on precisely what I'm doing. Odd for someone who was formerly the polysexual partner in an open relationship. The silliest part to me is that I can tell him I'm energy working with Chalk or Siege and he's fine. That's like 1000 times more intimate! Seriously, beyond no STIs and no pregnancies, I struggle to empathise with restrictions around making love (which, as a polyamorous person is what I do with my friends, and I certainly don't want either of the above myself) because it's not going to make me love my husband any less!!!

OK, rant over. For now lol.
 
And Golf rang to effectively cancel as a meeting got pushed out, and he is meeting his family for dinner, and it's closed his window of opportunity in between the two. He suggested I drive further to meet him for less time. I told him I just don't feel that's logistically and financially feasible today. He said he'd call later instead. I've already learned to take that as an indication of intent when stated, not of commitment to actually making the call. That doesn't actually bother me though.

We are constant near misses. No resolution is in sight. It is just what life is right now. He's not a "bad guy" because of it any more than than I am. And besides face time, he's still "doing it" for me in lots of other respects, so it's not a case of this pain being a sign to walk away. It's not a lot of pain, just enough to make it rather useful to explore haha.
 
Woah I got a wee fright earlier today.

I was speaking to Adam when he said he'd call me back in 5. Almost an hour later he called to say that he'd just been speaking to an old uni buddy (whose name escaped him) who he ran across in the street, who lives in Wellington, was in town for a day on business for x job.

In the interim I'd been texting Golf (a Wellington resident), who was in Adam's town for a day on business for x job.

I was briefly in hysterical laughter after Adam described his old acquaintance because the physical description could be Golf, but then he mentioned that there had been talk of a wife and teenaged daughter. Whew. Not Golf then. Then Golf texted saying he was just getting on the plane, so he would have been texting me in the cab, not standing on the street talking to Adam. So, although ridiculously uncanny and NZ is a fucking village, it's not quite that much of a village.

I would still suspect that Adam's old uni buddy and Golf are also acquainted though.

Good news is that Golf is in a town near me tomorrow and there might be a time for coffee in his busy schedule. Of course, that's if he remembers to ring me tomorrow morning to tell me when and where haha.
 
I finally got that sushi date with Golf, then I took him to a cute little 9 hole golf course nearby just for a look.
We stopped for maybe 5 minutes and talked about (and raised slightly) our sexual energy, along with other much more day to day topics. He told me he really likes me on both levels, (that we have such attraction and we also clearly care about each other's general well-being.) And that he's looking forward to having a little more time together when he's living nearer in a couple of months. I deeply concurred. It was so lovely seeing him again, and exciting sexually having his intense masculine energy right here in my presence (remember, I'm LDR with hubby and all my other friends right now).

As I was driving home, I missed a call from him so I pulled over and called him back.

And he called time-out, with explanation that the time-out solely sits with his emotional well-being at this time, and did me the courtesy of allowing me to express my disappointment. I told him that besides letting him know which job I end up with, I won't instigate any more conversations until I have heard from him again.

So yeah, when things seem too good to be true. They probably are.
 
Evie said:
I finally got that sushi date with Golf, then I took him to a cute little 9 hole golf course nearby just for a look.
We stopped for maybe 5 minutes and talked about (and raised slightly) our sexual energy, along with other much more day to day topics. He told me he really likes me on both levels, (that we have such attraction and we also clearly care about each other's general well-being.) And that he's looking forward to having a little more time together when he's living nearer in a couple of months. I deeply concurred. It was so lovely seeing him again, and exciting sexually having his intense masculine energy right here in my presence (remember, I'm LDR with hubby and all my other friends right now).

As I was driving home, I missed a call from him so I pulled over and called him back.

And he called time-out, with explanation that the time-out solely sits with his emotional well-being at this time, and did me the courtesy of allowing me to express my disappointment. I told him that besides letting him know which job I end up with, I won't instigate any more conversations until I have heard from him again.

So yeah, when things seem too good to be true. They probably are.
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This is so close to what recently happened to me with Beckett. I can empathize so much. Tiny heartbreaks still suck. Sorry that happened to you.
 
Reverie said:
This is so close to what recently happened to me with Beckett. I can empathize so much. Tiny heartbreaks still suck. Sorry that happened to you.
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Thank you, Reverie. I really, really appreciate your empathy.

arohanui
Evie
 
I joined this board when Golf reentered my life so I could have a place to talk about him. I'm not out as poly, and Adam is DADT for the large part, so I can't squee or now grieve on him. He knew Golf was around, but Adam and I didn't discuss the dynamic between Golf and I. I haven't been particularly forthcoming even here, but I will get to that in a moment. But first, I want to say I have learned so very much here through reading, voraciously, other people's blogs, questions and their answers, and connecting with a few people through pm. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this journey, many unwittingly.

Second, I am a hermeticist. I believe that there is a blueprint to our existence and to our lives, and consequently that whatever happens is meant to happen and that everything is exactly as it should be right now. This helps with a lot of perspective. It means that I can quell the voice in my head that attempts to say "he called time because you're too this or too that, you said the wrong thing, you did the wrong thing" because I recognise that this is both futile and inaccurate. Everything truly is exactly how it's supposed to be. Yet I am sad because now Golf and our dynamic is absent from my life at this time. The connection is so intense that he needs to sever it.

Third, the dynamic. He is an intensely sexual man, and although not a particularly experienced Dom, certainly a researched one. A lot of our talk and text was around the raising and maintaining of sexual energy, and the release of it. Something that we haven't had physically together (we've never had sex). And now something I must, for the foreseeable future, accept that we won't. Yesterday even just sitting in the car before it all went south, he wound me up so tight, telling me I was a good girl every time I cried out (with pleasure) from the simplest touch fueled by the dynamic.

And although I consider seeking that D/s dynamic elsewhere, this is NZ, it's small. But besides that, I feel more like The Secretary. No one else could actually be my E. Edward Grey.

And just as I'd finished typing that, I got the phonecall from the job interview I had last week to say that I'm a no go in this role.

double whammy.
 
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Evie said:
I joined this board when Golf reentered my life so I could have a place to talk about him. I'm not out as poly, and Adam is DADT for the large part, so I can't squee or now grieve on him. He knew Golf was around, but Adam and I didn't discuss the dynamic between Golf and I. I haven't been particularly forthcoming even here, but I will get to that in a moment. But first, I want to say I have learned so very much here through reading, voraciously, other people's blogs, questions and their answers, and connecting with a few people through pm. Thank you to everyone who has been a part of this journey, many unwittingly.

Second, I am a hermeticist. I believe that there is a blueprint to our existence and to our lives, and consequently that whatever happens is meant to happen and that everything is exactly as it should be right now. This helps with a lot of perspective. It means that I can quell the voice in my head that attempts to say "he called time because you're too this or too that, you said the wrong thing, you did the wrong thing" because I recognise that this is both futile and inaccurate. Everything truly is exactly how it's supposed to be. Yet I am sad because now Golf and our dynamic is absent from my life at this time. The connection is so intense that he needs to sever it.

Third, the dynamic. He is an intensely sexual man, and although not a trained dom, certainly a researched one. A lot of our talk and text was around the raising and maintaining of sexual energy, and the release of it. Something that we haven't had physically together (we've never had sex). And now something I must, for the foreseeable future, accept that we won't. Yesterday even just sitting in the car before it all went south, he wound me up so tight, telling me I was a good girl every time I cried out (with pleasure) from the simplest touch fueled by the dynamic.

And although I consider seeking that D/s dynamic elsewhere, this is NZ, it's small. But besides that, I feel more like The Secretary. No one else could actually be my E. Edward Grey.

And just as I'd finished typing that, I got the phonecall from the job interview I had last week to say that I'm a no go in this role.

double whammy.
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Oh Evie, I am so sorry you grieve and hurt alone over there. We are definitely here yo back you up and give you a virtual hug. Remember your belief system about the job too, but also allow yourself to feel emotion, just because you logically know your belief system, doesn't mean you can't grieve and allow yourself to feel emotions, which aren't always rational.

Keep your chin up girlfriend, and remember that's what this place is for, for support and friendship. :) I am happy to have you here for what it's worth.
 
Thank you, Starlight, I'm definitely and gratefully accepting that virtual hug. And thank you even more for saying that you're happy to have me here. There's an extraordinary amount of comfort in that, today of all days.

I'm not fighting the emotion - Joy is not ticking Sadness off (Inside Out reference :) ), about work or Golf, but I'm endeavouring not to exacerbate it with needless and inaccurate negative internal monologue.

And when I'm done, or at least nearly done, being sad, I will begin to be curious about who and what opportunities will come into my life next. Just because there's a blueprint, doesn't mean I can read it for myself yet, so life is full of surprises hehe.

Thank you again.

arohanui
Evie
 
It's been a week.

I've been listening to Familiar Taste of Poison by Halestorm a lot hehe.

I'm tired today and my body is sore from the work I was doing yesterday. But today's missions are mostly done and I have the luxury of crawling under the covers, pulling the duvet up until it covers the back of my head and imagining being held. I'm so privileged to have so many wonderful men in my life who have held me, each with their own nuances of touch and energy that I can scroll my memory for each one and find what I need there.

LDR is getting so lonely at both ends that Adam is starting to seriously contemplate moving back north within 4 months (not 6-7 as it stood).
 
Great song!
 
starlight1 said:
I second this, and send you also,
Hello by evanescence. And unguarded by Rae Morris. Rejection sucks, I understand completely.
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Great to see people with shared tastes in music!

Starlight, I simply thrashed Evanescence when I left my last long term (before meeting Adam) relationship in 2011. I moved 2 hours down the road and there was a lot of back and forth as I got my stuff from my best friend's garage. It played in the car all the time. That was my grieving album. Diamond Eyes by Shinedown was the (perfect) moving on song hehe. That got even more of a workout.

"I'm on the front line, don't worry I'll be fine, the story is just beginning; I say goodbye to my weakness, so long to the regret, and now I know that I'm alive/see the world through diamond eyes."

Rae Morris is all new to me, so a big thank you for that!

White Flag by Dido has ripped my heart out before, along with Lips of an Angel by Hinder (I was the girl on the other end of the phone).
 
The suckiness of today has by far outweighed the good, and there are some really good things going on right now.

I'm in the training phase of my summer job and it was established today that I'm not the only one who perceives that the lead trainer is waaaay out of her depth. I'm tired, I'm over it, I hate feeling useless at what I'm trying to learn. I know workplace training can be so much better than this. So I was going to come home and head to the gym, but then after spending about 1/2 an hour trying to find my ipod, it's also flat. -1 for organisation. Even more useless feelings. I want to have a tantrum like a 2 year old, I want to shout and scream and hit things and cry because I'm just so frustrated with this phase of the job. I know it will be better when I know what I'm doing, that today will be forgotten besides this blog post, that I can still go to the gym later. And Adam's out now and for the rest of the night. We were supposed to catch up straight after I got home from work, but he's gone to the movies with his son. I wish there would have been an earlier session for what they wanted to see. But I'm also kinda glad that I get to let the pissed-off-ness about work out here and I'll hopefully be in a much better place if I get to talk to him later tonight.

I'm still not sleeping through until my alarm, so I've been awake since 4.45 which really, really doesn't suit me.

And the cat's howling like only a Burmese can.

So I'm going to go eat a small thing while my ipod charges, then somewhere around 7.30 hopefully find the oomph I need to go to the gym. I'm accountable for it now *winks at UniverseFan*.
 
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I will be your accountability buddy too ;) hope your day cheered up.
Loved the diamond eyes and the familiar taste of poison!
 
I have an Australian Burmese. Gorgeous cats but so demanding.
 
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