Inquiry - Cheating or Poly?

JacobCarlson

New member
My apologies for the long response.

My wife and I have been married for five years and together for 10. For the past year and a half she has been having a secret partner she has kept from me. On many levels they are involved with the possibility of a new business together, working in the same building, and talking constantly.

For a few years my wife has felt I neglected to communicate well and I have since November of last year made significant strides to remedy that. Last year she started talking to another man around June and speaking about separation. I have been very in touch with myself and open to her about my feelings and we have had some very wonderful times together since November. However, our marriage was doing poorly and I became very suspicious of the two of them and her secrecy until April of this year. In April of this year I found out by going through her phone they were in love by reading a few text messages between them. She informed me that was all it was at the time and she just found out her feelings recently that month. Again early September I found they have been sleeping together since last year around June. I have been lied to and deceived by her for over year time again as I have confronted her verbally about their relationship over the past year.

Since April my wife has claimed she is now polyamorous. The benefits of her relationship with this person are high due to the business, feelings, and her current job.

I have since questioned her claim as polyamorous on many levels and we have spoken about it heavily over the past few months. Her desire to have both of us it strong, yet having an open relationship with either of us who are currently monogamous is wearing all of us down. I am well informed for myself over the past few months about polyamory and I can't fathom the possibility of us both being in her life because I am still being lied to, I have lost lots of trust for both of them, and I have been told I was hidden from this to protect me. Even after I found out several different times about details more and more, over and over, I have still been told by both of them more lies. Still my wife has not fully disclosed things to me about their relationship.

I had built myself to the point before I knew about the sexual part of the relationship to work towards being accepting of polyamory but was crushed to find out I was still being lied to. My wife has told me she wishes she never told me the truth.

I am feeling like I am in a toxic marriage with a person who really has just found someone better for her current needs. On the other hand, she tells me I am her number one priority. Am I just naïve to stay in this relationship that is continuing to go on or is there actually a chance at stable and happy road ahead? Is my wife really poly or has she just tried to justify this all because I found out?
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
My apologies for the long response.

I am feeling like I am in a toxic marriage with a person who really has just found someone better for her current needs. On the other hand, she tells me I am her number one priority. Am I just naïve to stay in this relationship that is continuing to go on or is there actually a chance at stable and happy road ahead? Is my wife really poly or has she just tried to justify this all because I found out?

One of the main things about polyamory that makes it work for me is open, honest communication among partners. Your wife has not been open or honest. She may in fact be polyamorous; however, this is not a polyamorous relationship. It's cheating, plain and simple. I think you could trust your feelings, especially the part I bold faced above. I'm sorry you're in this situation :( I hope you can find a healthy way forward that's less toxic. You deserve it!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am feeling like I am in a toxic marriage with a person who really has just found someone better for her current needs.

I think you pretty much call it. It sounds toxic here. The cheating affair, then the chronic lying? It's not like polyamory is automatically "cheat proof." That has to to with the integrity and character of the person. NOT the relationship shape they date in.

Is my wife really poly or has she just tried to justify this all because I found out?

That would be my guess. I might guess wrong, and she's poly at heart. If so? Being "poly at heart" does not excuse that she's gone about it in a really crap way with the cheating start and the chronic lies.

So it doesn't matter really if she's poly. What matters is whether or not YOU feel happy staying here being lied to all the time. You sound like you are not happy. So... it's up to you to stay for more or end it.

I am so sorry you deal in this.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello JacobCarlson,

There seems to be a pattern here of your wife repeatedly lying, in spite of being caught in a lie many times. This makes it hard for you to trust her. I am thinking this pattern is probably going to continue, so if you choose to stay with her you will have to resign yourself to being told the truth only when telling the truth is convenient for her. :( Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

nycindie

Active member
Your wife is a cheater who lies and uses polyamory as a scapegoat to avoid responsibility for her shitty behavior. If she is unwilling to make efforts to improve her relationship with you and rebuild trust, then I see no reason for you to stick around. You really don't gain anything from being her doormat.
 

sparklepop

New member
Hi Jacob,

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this.

People make bad choices and none of us are perfect. I try to approach these bad choices with compassion and forgiveness and try to drop judgement, despite cheating and dishonesty being two of the things I absolutely and completely abhor in relationships. So, it's not my place to condemn your wife for what she has done. My concern is more towards you, the person who is actively looking for help.

My wife has told me she wishes she never told me the truth.
Because her life has become more complicated the more things have come to light. The fact that she has vocalised this is beyond worrying and it's very telling. Look at the difference between "I wish I'd never told you" and "I wish I'd never decided to lie to you", or "I wish I'd never cheated", or "I wish I'd never caused you this hurt".

On the other hand, she tells me I am her number one priority.
People will often say this when they are faced with the threat of abandonment. Whether intentional or unintentional, it's a mechanism to get you to stay. Based on the information you have given, it appears that your wife's number one priority is herself. In any case, it is grossly unrealistic for someone to make a blanket statement that their partner is their number one priority. It simply cannot be true that another person is our absolute top priority at all times. Recognise her words for what they are: a mechanism to keep you with her.

Is my wife really poly or has she just tried to justify this all because I found out?
Essentially, if your wife is in love with you and the other guy, she is - by definition - polyamorous. She loves more than one.

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter how she identifies. What matters is the situation you are now in and how you decide to proceed.

Am I just naïve to stay in this relationship that is continuing to go on or is there actually a chance at stable and happy road ahead?
I always believe in having hope and I always believe that if two people really want their relationship to work, that it is possible.

I do feel that if there's absolutely any chance whatsoever that your marriage can become genuinely happy and trusting, the template it is built upon has to change.

At the minute, the template is this: Your wife has learnt that her life is easier to deal with when she keeps secrets. Your wife has also learnt that she can lie and still have you. Therefore, the next time she's faced with a tough decision, she is surely more likely to continue lying. She has little incentive to stop.

So, this template needs to be replaced with a new one in which lying is not incentivised. I believe that this can only be achieved by showing her, tangibly, that her actions have consequences. In other words, lying carries the very real threat that she will lose you.

I honestly think that the best way to achieve this would be to separate from her and move out, and not move back in until (or unless) you feel that you can trust her again. This would give you the necessary space, autonomy, freedom and strength to break free of the things in your marriage that are not good for you. This would also show your wife that her decisions have had consequences.

The other option is to set an absolute boundary now that if she lies to you again, you'll leave. Then follow through with it when she lies to you again (which she likely will).

Whatever you decide to do, if you are interested in trying to rebuild your marriage, I'd definitely advise couples therapy. There are deep and tangled issues that you are dealing with right now that definitely call for outside guidance if you can afford it.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Whether or not your wife identifies as being poly is irrelevant. What she has done is form a cheating relationship and damaged your trust. Poly is NOT cheating. She may wish to change this structure and become upfront and honest, but it sounds like she still says she wishes she could go back to lying because it is easier for her. That isn't poly.

I am sorry you are having to go through this.
 

Inyourendo

New member
Your wife is a cheater who lies and uses polyamory as a scapegoat to avoid responsibility for her shitty behavior. If she is unwilling to make efforts to improve her relationship with you and rebuild trust, then I see no reason for you to stick around. You really don't gain anything from being her doormat.

I agree with this 100%.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
While she may identify as polyamorous, her actions are not accoring to the polyamorous ideal of openness, honesty and concent from all parties involved. Cheating exist in mono and poly relationships alike, it is about breaking trust.

If she wants to live a polyamorous lifestyle, she needs to apologize for her trespasses and change her ways. And take care of both of you, to the point where you feel taken care of.
 
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