intro + trail stage of a Triade

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PeaceNlove

New member
Hi! I have been lurking around here for a month or so now and finally decided to make a post introducing myself. I am a married bisexual woman. I have been married for 5 years now and have 2 amazing children. Before I married my husband I had a on again off again relationship with my best friend. She and I had actually had a very brief huge epic failure "3way" relationship that ended our friendship for about a year and a half. In the last 4 years we have patched things up and she is truly my best friend. She has a daughter from a previous relationship. We raise the kids together and do things together all the time. About 6 months ago she and her daughter moved in with my husband and I due to financial problems. For the last 6 months we have done everything together. Our kids behave and live like siblings. Things have been going really well on a friendship/family unit level.

Through all these years I never stopped loving her and she has made it beyond obvious that she is still in love with me. After several weeks of pondering it I finally approached my husband with the idea. He was not so sure at first but the more we all talked the more we realized that aside from sex we already have a group marriage! we go on dates together, we do family time together, we share responsibilities of the house hold; literally we have been a solid unit for more then 6 months! Being that we still have feelings for eachother it just seems logical.

Because of how bad our last situation went however, I am scared. I don't want any of us to be hurt. She has several mental health issues (bipolar, depression, ect) and I especially don't want to cause her any pain. I want us to all be happy and complete. I don't want us to lose what we already have. With all my concerns we decided to have a trail period. There is no set time frame, we are just taking things slow. About a week ago we decided to take a step twords the physical aspect of the relationship. It went pretty well... it was akward but I think any first time is. For me the nervousness of being with anybody aside from my husband, let alone someone I have had an intimate relationship with before plus the fear of how I would react once they had any intimacy at all I was so worried that this moment would be the end all of it. But we all ended up enjoying ourselves. Hubby was too nervous to go all the way through with things but we all agree things went very well and nobody was hurt or upset by it.

We plan on seeing how things go and if everything continues as it is we want to buy a house together and live as a family unit. It is understood that my marriage is I guess the primary relationship, however, we are in this for more then sex. We want to be a family unit, we want to raise the kids together, we want all 3 of us to feel happy, loved, and appreciated.

Any advice? Tips?
 
I do not understand why the choice was made for your husband to be involved sexually with your female friend. (BTW, nicknames would help here.) You and she have a long history of "being in love" and having had some threesome sex... with someone else, which ended badly.

Is your husband also in love with her, and she with him? Or is there just some casual affection and sexual attraction? You do not have to have threesome sex to be polyamorous. In fact, that is rather rare. Why did you choose to have threeway sex, instead of you and her just getting physical and having a V formation relationship, with you as a hinge and your friend and your husband as the arms of the V?

And you emphasize you and your man will be primaries and your friend a secondary, to both of you. Why?

I think you're practicing some "couple privilege" here, that might ding your female friend and end up making her feel "lesser than."
 
I agree with Mags here. I'm not sure you are treating your friend as well as you think you are. It sounds like she is financially dependent on you and your husband for her and her child's accommodation needs. This is already a power imbalance. If things don't go well with your triad, and feelings are hurt, does she have a back-up plan? Is she now capable of supporting herself should she no longer be welcome in your home? Have you thought about how you would feel if she only wants a sexual/romantic relationship with one of you? How would your husband feel? There is so much to consider here.

I'm not trying to be a killjoy here, and I can well believe that this is exciting for everyone right now, but you still need to all think with your heads and not your hormones.

Right now I see that the three of you are not on equal footing with each other, and this makes it very hard for each individual to advocate for their own needs. As I mentioned, your friend seems to be relying on you guys for somewhere to live - that's huge. You also mention she has suffered from mental ill-health in the past. She might need extra support to stay on top of this, which again, might indicate that you are not all coming at this from an equally stable footing. Your husband is brand new to poly. He is probably going through a lot of things that will need your support. You are also inexperienced, and there's probably some baggage to work through with her given how things imploded last time you were together. I would advise you to tackle these issues one at a time rather than altogether. Get everyone in a stable, happy space, so that they can each be relied upon to do most of their own self-care, before leaping into a relationship.

In short, all three of you have reasons to be insecure about your own connections with each other. You and your husband have basically already made the unilateral decision to make your relationship a priority - in your friend's shoes I would feel disposable and like I had no real say in my relationship with either of you, knowing the rug could be pulled from underneath me at any moment. I would also be afraid that working through problems with the pair of you (and there will be problems, all relationships have those) would be impossible in such circumstances, and that it would put a lot of strain on myself, the friendship, and my right to be a tenant in your home. For you, even though you have established this hierarchy (which presumably is designed to make you feel more secure in your marriage), you are still fearful of your friend and husband having a relationship/sex without you - this is understandable, you've never been in an open relationship with your husband before, so you have no idea how he will react to the new and shiny. However, given that she lives with you both and she is going to be in both of your faces day in and day out, you are going to struggle to find the time and space to process your insecurity and jealousy. Moving on to your husband, he is probably also a bit insecure because of the emotional and sexual 'head start' you and she have - your past history is something he cannot easily catch up on, just as she cannot easily catch up on you and his past history. It might seem appealing at first to have a wife and a girlfriend, but being in a triad is HARD WORK. He might want to do some research of his own before jumping in with both feet.

I honestly think your chances of success will be much greater if she moves out. Help her to find a good safe affordable place she can be with her child. Make sure she is on top of her bipolar treatment plan. Be a friend to her first. Once this is done, tend to your marriage. Make sure you and he both do some research into polyamory. Make sure your friend does too. Figure out TOGETHER (all three, not just you and hubby) what open model you guys want. Maybe primary/secondary *is* right for you all. Maybe she would prefer a casual or more sex-focused relationship with both of you, and has no interest in becoming more emotionally or practically/financially entwined with either/both of you. In that case, do that and don't muddle it all up with cohabitation. That confuses things. Perhaps you and she are better suited as girlfriend's, and your husband and she as fuck buddies. Perhaps you discover you all have a yearning to form a deep triad - that you want to cohabit as three spouses, instead of two spouses and a plaything. Perhaps you discover that you'd be better off as a V, with you dating her, casually or seriously, and your husband maybe getting a girlfriend or two of his own. Perhaps you discover that ideally, you all want to remain open to new lovers, independently of one another. There are lots and lots of possibilities beyond a closed hierarchical triad. Would you like one on one time with her? Would your husband? Would she want one-on-one time with either of you? Both of you? Are you willing to be open about all being in a relationship? Keeping things a secret can be very hurtful, but are you all in a safe environment to be 'out and proud' about your relationship? What about her kid? Ready to co-parent? Be cool aunt/uncle? Anyone have a yearning to eventually add to the family size? If so, who? And how could that be handled moving forwards? So. Many. Things. To. Consider.

Read up on unicorn hunters (that's the direction you and your husband seem to be stumbling towards) and actually make a conscious decision about whether you want to go down that route together, knowing the ethical and practical issues that it presents. Google the 'secondaries bill of rights' and read it. Share it with your friend so you know she has read it too. You need to think long and hard about this stuff if you want this to be about more than three consenting adults having a bit of sexual fun together. And if it turns out that it *is* just about sex? And that loving feelings are not a place everyone is comfortable going? Just own it. You are all in charge of deciding what kinds of relationship structures you want. You're all allowed to be slutty, or kinky, or whatever. You don't have to settle on a polyamorous model at all. You don't all have to love each other, or be boyfriend/girlfriend-like with each other. You just need to respect each other, respect each other's autonomy (yes, even your spouse's - if you and he want different things, it's OKAY), and be good to one another.
 
clarification

I think maybe I didn't make it clear enough in my first post. This is NOT just about sex. As a matter of fact the sex aspect of it is a relatively small part in what we all want. We already operate as a family unit. I have been there for her (Sparkles) and her daughter (Mini) from the start. I was there when Mini was born and even when things hit the fan between me and Sparkles I still maintained a relationship with Mini. Sparkles has been there when both my kids were born and we have raised my two and her daughter together long before she moved in. The girls truly believe they are sisters because in every aspect aside from blood they are. My husband (DH) has never treated Mini any differently then he treats our two. Through the back and forth drama with Mini's father (he was the 3rd in our failed past try which was based nearly entirely on sex and was more of a V relationship with Sparkles as the hing and lots of 3sums) My husband has picked up the slack that Mini's father leaves. We all three take turns reading the kids stories at bedtime and tucking them in. We all help Mini with her homework and school stuff. We all contribute to raising all three kids. DH has made it very clear before any of this started that in his heart and mind Mini is his child. Mini has never gone without no matter how hard things were for Sparkles and no matter how little her "father" contributed or in most cases didn't. For the last 3 years we have been a family unit LONG before any established relationship or sex was happening. We fully intend to keep that no matter what happens. The kids and our friendships are our main priority and always will be.

We very openly talk about all the concerns and issues we all have. Sparkles is the one who has said several times that she knows our marriage is important to us and comes first and that she knows accepts and is more then ok with that. We will all three have our own relationships between us three and all at varying levels. Me and DH, Me and Sparkles, Sparkles and DH, and ofcourse all three. Am I nervous about how the relationship between Sparkles and DH will develop. OFCOURSE but just the same as DH is concerned about how my relationship with Sparkles will fully develop. We believe that very open communication will keep things in line. We all have a right to feel how we feel, however, we have to take responsibility for those emotions and look within ourselves first and then bring it to the table and between all 3 of us figure out a way to solve the issue. I can not see a time where we would just say Sparkles has to get out. We know this may not work and if the day comes that it doesn't then we will help her to get out on her own where she is safe and stable. In all honestly though unless its something like total disrespect of the boundaries that we have all agreed on.. which honestly we are still working on but the main one is no sneaking.... things are out in the open point blank... we are strongly leaning twords still living together as a family unit with just no sexual relationship if things just flat out don't work out to that level. The relationships we have with the kids and the kids have together would never allow for us to just shut eachother out. We will always have to co-parent with the kids. There is nothing that could happen that would cause me to throw away my relationship with Sparkles or Mini. They are my family period the end.

We have talked about more kids. I definitely want atleast one more. Sparkles is not sure if she does or doesn't or if due to health issues she could have another child. Either way it will be atleast a year before I even try to get pregnant and the same for her if she chooses. DH feels it is Sparkles's call if she wants more kids but if she does as long as a family unit we are prepared to handle the financial needs of more kids then we are all comfortable with doing so. We just want to have a well established relationship before any of us bring more kids in to the situation.

DH and Sparkles do have a love and attraction for eachother. Both have said that its at the bottom of the lists of relationships as far as importance and both are comfortable with that but none the less they have those connections. I want them to have those connections. I want them to love eachother and I am glad that they do. If I could pick the perfect man for Sparkles it would be DH. I know that he will always care for her and would never hurt her or use her. He would never just use her. He knows about all her "issues" and Faults and he accepts them and loves her regardless. My insecurities are mine to deal with and handle because in the reality of it I know that they will never run off together and leave me behind. I know that if it wasn't for their relationships with me there wouldn't be one between them. And that sounds weird or cocky but I am kinda the buffer between them. Sparkles is very emotional and affectionate and DH is not typically. I was surprised to not feel hurt or upset when they did have some sexual contact. I fully expected to end up having some issues with it. But honestly it just felt natural.

I love DH and I love Sparkles and I always will. We all love eachother and we all care about eachothers well being and happiness. I truly believe we are going in to this pretty wide eyed. We know it may not work. We know there will days that are hard to deal with. We know we will all end up with hurt feelings time to time but what relationship doesnt have those days. I think as long as we deal with things openly and honestly and respectfully we can at bare minimum keep the relationship we have.

I also have recommended that Sparkles create an account on her so she can speak for herself. So far she has read everything I have put and all of your comments :) Sparkles doesn't feel at all like a play toy or disposable.She knows that she is loved and valued and that her feelings, opinions, wants, and needs are all valid and important.
 
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S,D,M, etc... Could you please create nicknames? It is much easier on the readers and your thread will get more feedback. Thanks!

Now that you tell us your husband and friend have "love" and ongoing sexual attraction for each other as family members, and have for some time, this all makes more sense. Thanks for clarifying.

There will be legal issues around your husband parenting her kids, and many other areas, since she can't be either of your legal wife. Some people in poly Vs or triads with kids make arrangements to get all this set in case of emergencies.

Are you out to extended family and friends as a triad? Is friend welcome at family functions?
 
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Magdlyn said:
S,D,M, etc... Could you please create nicknames? It is much easier on the readers and your thread will get more feedback. Thanks!

Now that you tell us your husband and friend have "love" and ongoing sexual attraction for each other as family members, and have for some time, this all makes more sense. Thanks for clarifying.

There will be legal issues around your husband parenting her kids, and many other areas, since she can't be either of your legal wife. Some people in poly Vs or triads with kids make arrangements to get all this set in case of emergencies.

Are you out to extended family and friends as a triad? Is friend welcome at family functions?
Click to expand...

We know that legally DH and I will have no rights to Mini and there is not much we can do about that since her father is in her life.

We have not come out to my family or DH's. Sparkles's family already knows and they are happy for her. They know how much I mean to her and she to me. They just want her to be happy. We are and have always been welcome to her family functions. We want to wait to tell our family mainly because its gonna be an issue and we want to make sure that it is going to work before we go through the drama that will be. However, as my long time best friend she often comes to family functions with us and gets along well with my family. As far as DH's family goes they will have the most negative to say. They do not like Sparkles at all and honestly, I do not have a great relationship with my MIL either.

Some friends know but not many mainly because we live in a smallish town and again we don't want to have to go all the drama and the inevitable problems it may cause until we are more stable
 
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It sound's like a natural way to form a triad. I'm happy that you found each other.
I just wonder why you feel the need to have a trial period. Now that thing's have been started, you cant undue them. What would the plan be if the trial didn't go the way you wanted? To me the result's would seem the same no matter what it's called.
I wish you good luck with the triad, hope thing's go well.
 
PeaceNlove said:
I don't want any of us to be hurt.
Click to expand...

Just a relationship thought:

A better focus than "Nobody gets hurt" is "We can navigate hurt feelings." When your heart is open to someone, hurt is just part of the deal and knowing this will help you communicate better when hurt feelings do arise. Viewing a few hurt feelings as a normal part of being close is a lot less stressful than aiming to avoid hurt feelings all together, which is impossible and leads to much more drama in the long run. In successful relationships, the individuals take responsibility for their own feelings (hurt or otherwise) and listen when their parter(s) have something to say about theirs. It's about learning how to steer together, not about avoiding the rapids. Navigating rough waters together actually brings a lot of closeness and clarity and helps move the relationship forward to a better place.
 
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drgnfly said:
It sound's like a natural way to form a triad. I'm happy that you found each other.
I just wonder why you feel the need to have a trial period. Now that thing's have been started, you cant undue them. What would the plan be if the trial didn't go the way you wanted? To me the result's would seem the same no matter what it's called.
I wish you good luck with the triad, hope thing's go well.
Click to expand...

I guess the need for a trail period is just that we aren't coming out to very many people until after it.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Just a relationship thought:

A better focus than "Nobody gets hurt" is "We can navigate hurt feelings." When your heart is open to someone, hurt is just part of the deal and knowing this will help you communicate better when hurt feelings do arise. Viewing a few hurt feelings as a normal part of being close is a lot less stressful than aiming to avoid hurt feelings all together, which is impossible and leads to much more drama in the long run. In successful relationships, the individuals take responsibility for their own feelings (hurt or otherwise) and listen when their parter(s) have something to say about theirs. It's about learning how to steer together, not about avoiding the rapids. Navigating rough waters together actually brings a lot of closeness and clarity and helps move the relationship forward to a better place.
Click to expand...

You make a very good point! I will have to keep this in mind.
 
Hi PeaceNlove,

It sounds like you have thought things through pretty well. Let us know if there's anything you need help with. More than Two is a good book to read, and a good website to explore, in case you're looking for any general materials.

As long as you are consenting adults that is the main things. You can work out the details amongst yourselves.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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