Is it possible to over-communicate?

nikkiana

nikkiana

New member
One of the things I really like about being polyamorous is the fact that to be able to maintain relationships with multiple people, you've got to use your communication skills... I suppose communication is essential in all relationships regardless of whether it's a poly one or not, but I know when I personally was living monogamously, it felt like it was much easier to become complacent and not discuss important issues than it is for me now. Not saying that I'm perfect with this... I know there are definitely times that haven't had important discussions with people in my life in a timely fashion because I was nervous about of the reaction I might get.

On that note, I've been noticing an insecurity I seem to be having around communication.... and was wondering if this specifically was a common insecurity...

For me, sitting down and having an engaged conversation with someone I love and care about is an important issue that's concerning us, or something that's philosophically important to us, etc. is of equal or often greater of an intimate activity as sex is, and because of this I want to have these kind of conversations fairly frequently. However, this need seems to send me into this odd loop of insecurity... because I want these deep intimate conversations, I feel like I'm constantly bombarding the people closest to me with observations about life, comments about how I'm feeling, etc. in attempt to spark the type of conversation that I'm craving. Occasionally, I get the sort of conversation I'm seeking, but more often than not I get a short response and the conversation ends. The thought was responded to, but the emotional need that sparked the original comment wasn't addressed.

I feel like I have a tendency to want to initiate communication as soon as I feel anything uncomfortable, even if it's something super minor and not a big deal, just for the sake of communicating because I want the emotional connectiveness that communication brings. I feel self-conscious because I feel like this isn't the best way to initiate being emotionally connected but it's the only way I know of to achieve that, and I worry that as a result I'm going to be perceived over time as being a needy person rather than a communicative person.

I know the poly mantra is "communicate, communicate, communicate!" but is it possible to over-communicate?
 
I understand exactly how you are feeling on this one. I also tend to want to discuss every minor thing! My partner is the sort who gives the short answers and then we're done, which causes me to feel frustrated sometimes, as if we didn't actually discuss anything.

Is it possible to over-communicate? I suppose it could be possible. If it is, I haven't seen it yet...
 
I sometimes worry about "over-analyzing" issues w my partner. But we're both into exploring nuances of things that interest us, or issues between us that would hamper intimacy. I try to be sensitive to her feelings tho. If I feel I am beating a dead horse, that I am going on and on too much, even if I feel the subject is not thoroughly explored, I will take a break from it, let ideas simmer in our subconsciousnesses for a while, and then return to it after a day or 2. But I try not to let impt issues slide. This breeds resentment and can hamper intimacy.
 
I don't think it's possible to "overcommunicate", but I do think it's possible to communicate too much at any given time. Sometimes a person can only handle so much information to be processed, and the processing can take some time. Once they've reached the maximum amount of info they can process everything else just seems like piling on or "pushing". Sometimes people need to let the info they have just percolate a bit.

Weaselbob
 
It's funny how this forum operates sometimes. I was just thinking about the last night, and here is a post on it...

I do think it is possible to over communicate. I find that there are times when people use communication with their partners as a crutch. It is just as important to be able to recognize issues that you need to resolve on your own, take that time to think about them, and come to some conclusion. There are countless occasions in past relationships I have had that I communicated too much, and if I had simply handled it myself, I might have avoided unneeded drama, tears, and time that could have been spent smiling with my partner, or simply doing something not so serious!

Ouroboros wants me to communicate with him whenever I feel insecure, good, etc. But I want the emotional independence to be my own support and problem solver at times as well... or to bask in my happiness on my own time.

I also feel that too much detail can be communicated. I think it is a good thing to have some mystery in life...
 
Hilarious, so was I just thinking about this same thing. Cosmic. ;)

I often fret about being too communicative. I'm fairly forthcoming and it's common for me to initiate a conversation by saying, "I was feeling embarrassed yesterday when.... and was wondering if there was a way we could maneuver this..... etc...."

The reaction I get from some people seems timid, but I don't actually know what's going on with the person. One of my greatest challenges is not knowing how others feel. Not everyone enjoys someone coming up to them wanting to know what's true for them at that moment. Maybe they don't know, maybe they're shy to share, maybe they feel uncomfortable.

Yet it's such a great joy in my world when people can walk up to each other and ask how are you? what's alive in you right now?

I guess, as windmarkbob said, some people can only handle so much information at one time.
 
Maybe not "over"

Hi Nikki,
I guess maybe you could call it "over" communicating but maybe that's misleading. I think maybe it has more to do with timing and giving equal weight to others needs too. Sometimes a topic may just be "too much" for a particular person at that point in time. They be be internally dealing with their own "stuff" and just not be mentally or emotionally capable of digging in too deep on some complex issue on your mind. That's the message you are probably receiving when you mention you get "acknowledgment but not pursuit".
This is one of the nice things about having a bigger "circle" if you will - a better chance that you may find someone who is available right then to get into the thick of it with you.
If it's an issue primarily involving me and the person I want to initiate the discussion with I generally take the approach of saying, "I've got this thing on my mind the WE need to talk about". Then I'll listen for the "go signal". If I don't get it - I respect that - and leave it with a follow up of "we REALLY need to deal with this - ok ? So let's find a time. Only if I see an intentional effort to avoid the conversation over some time issue will I push it.

That's what works for me....

GS
 
same concerns yesterday

Odd that my partner and I were having this same conversation last night...is it the moon?

We communicate all the time about everything and though it sometimes seems that we are 'over-communicating' about things we came to the conclusion that this renewed level of conversation is part of what we enjoy about poly in our lives. Again we feel that we are communicating on a deep and meaningful level about our needs and wants, much like we did at the beginning of our relationship, and we both find it incredibly satisfying.

That being said, we often have to make the conscious choice to STOP and focus on other areas of our relationship as well. Fun, kids, sex, life and poly all have to have a place in our lives. We love to beat dead horses but moving on to other things can change our perspective as well.

When I am feeling like I HAVE to talk about things and others are not receptive I try to remember that life is a marathon not a sprint and all things will come in their own time whether I try to force them or not.
 
While I agree that it can be a bit much for some to hear every detail about how I am feeling I still think that communication is better on the more side than the less side. I just try and balance it out between telling people how much good stuff is going on for me with how much of the other stuff is going on for me.

I find on here that there is not enough communicating about feeling sometimes and I am left wondering what is really going on for people. I know it's a public forum, but we are anonymous and I wish people would use that to try things out a bit more and really open up. I know I do. Some of the stuff I have said on here I would never say out loud in real life and simply keep it a mystery I am glad to have that here as it satisfies my need to try things on so to speak and to practice getting my thoughts and words together as one.... (thanks for baring with me on that everyone :))

I just had an evaluation at my job and my boss gave me some good insight into how my communication is perceived at work... as I am relatively the same everywhere I took that as an example of how I am perceived elsewhere in life.

She said that she has come to rely on my openness and quick to the point responses to her and the other staff. She said that I am quick to come to a fair, just, wholeistic view on situations and keep everyones view and feelings in mind when doing so. Apparently the directors of my company also relies on my ability to be honest yet empathetic to those I am speaking to when they invite me to sit in board meetings. They rely on me to tell them what is going on in my part of the company without sugar coating to protect them, but in consciousness that the message needs relaying in a respectful manner.

I have been thinking about this all week and feel proud of this trait. I feel that at this stage in my life I have found a balance that is working for me... now if I can just manage to keep that ;) sometimes easier than it seems.
 
Odd that my partner and I were having this same conversation last night...is it the moon?
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Man reading all of this makes me wonder if it is the moon!!! I was struggling to explain something about this to Maca this weekend. It was very frustrating because I couldn't seem to find the right words.

I feel a better connection when we talk, and I feel some insecurity when I haven't a clue what's going on in his head. He says sometimes that NOTHING is going on in his head. But that concept is so foreign and impossible to me, becuase there is NEVER, NOTHING going on in my head. Hell some nights I have to take a sleeping pill because I can't STOP the EVERYTHING that is ALWAYS going on in my head!
I have to remind myself that he is not me and I have no reason to disbelieve him when he says that-even if it makes NO sense to me whatsoever.


When I am feeling like I HAVE to talk about things and others are not receptive I try to remember that life is a marathon not a sprint and all things will come in their own time whether I try to force them or not.
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This is a good analogy for me. I am hoping to resume training for a marathoon when my neck isn't plaguing me. I was a sprinter in school-but I want to go for the "long haul". It's hard not only physically for me, but also mentally. I'm very much a "here's a problem lets fix it right now" kind of person, and some things simply take time. :(
 
It's not the moon, the moon may of been a cause of last weekends drama though as it was full and in Mars.... this week and until the summer it will be in Mars... watch out not to start a war with someone and keep tabs on your tempers folks, it could be a rough ride. Of course difficult communication is a Mercury thing and when it is in retrograde in a time of Mars influence there could be some trouble a brewing... :rolleyes:
 
I'm going to say yes it is possible to over communicate sometimes. And because I think this I won't elaborate...that would be over communicating ;)
 
I've been thinking about this issue too. I'm reading the book Radical Honesty right now, and the author recommends communicating your feelings every time you feel a strong emotion.

In my situation I often feel insecure. If I talked about it every time, I'd sound like a very negative and weak person.

Other the other hand, I haven't communicated clearly enough about my insecurities.

I think that it is possible to communicate negative emotions too frequently.
 
Wow, what an interesting thread! And freakily I have also been thinking a lot obout this very issue, due to on-going negotiations arround specific friendships. Amasing reading everyone's replies! I have to say I also love the validation I feel from open verbal communication, thanks guys!

In response to OP I wonder if different people just have different styles of eperiencing closeness?
I can totally relate to the high of in depth, honest chats with some one, as this is my primary way of being intimate with people. However I think different people value/experience different forms of closeness to different degrees. For example, Some people find sex to be the pinicle of expressing intimacy. And although of corse you can have both many ways in a relationship, I think verbal connection is only one side of things.

I am not currently in a romantic relationship but have very close friendships and I think the analogy holds. With a couple of friends of mine I have to take that they care through non verbal things that they do (that they leave me little gifts, want to share mutually enjoyed activities with me, in our case walks, holistic massage, cooking and gardening) because they just don't take the same joy/ have the same need for in indepth discussions as we do and as lots of people have already said i think it is really important to accept that. I supose the thing is to recognise your needs in your self and be aware of both your own and your partner(s) styles of intimacy.

it might be worth considering (if you haven't allready) whether you need the indepth chats to be with your partner(s) each time or whether you can use other signs of closeness to share the intimacy of your primary relationship(s) and go elsewhere (in my case to an extent this forum!) to have chats about life the universe and everything?


Peace and love x
 
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nikkiana said:
I feel like I have a tendency to want to initiate communication as soon as I feel anything uncomfortable, even if it's something super minor and not a big deal, just for the sake of communicating because I want the emotional connectiveness that communication brings. ...

I know the poly mantra is "communicate, communicate, communicate!" but is it possible to over-communicate?
Click to expand...

You mean, "Is it possible to bug the hell out of one's partners by wanting a Deep Discussion(tm) of everything?"

Yup.

It's that whole Boy Who Cried Wolf thing--not everything warrants a deep exploration and if one is regularly calling for wolf hunts over angry squirrels, at some point nobody's going to take the cries of "Wolf!" seriously.

It may be a matter of time together. It took Curly a few years to fully understand that when she asked what I felt about something and I said "Nothing" that I reallyreallyreally meant I felt nothing about the topic. It's not a matter of me not being comfortable with my feelings or not wanting to talk about them or any other such hogwash--it means I don't feel any particular way about the topic. If she's wanting or expecting any deep discussion and sharing of feelings...well, that's not going to happen over something that doesn't move me to that sort of sharing. I'll hear what she has to say, certainly, though if I have nothing to say on the matter there won't be much of a conversation.
 
I would suggest that you take the Myers Briggs test and give it to your partner. One version of the test is at www.humanmetrics.com - take the Jungian Typology Test. If you are an NF then you will desire more introspective emotional commuinications. If your partner is an ST (for example) they will not really enjoy this type of communication. I am an NF and I can discuss thoughts, feelings and ideas every day without ever getting tired or feeling it's too much. Some of my partners are the same and we enjoy these types of communication regularly. Some of my partners are S's and they are not going to engage in lenghty discussions about concepts, feelings, thoughts etc. unless it's neccessary due to a conflict that needs to be resolved or something like that.
 
GroundedSpirit said:
Hi Nikki,
I guess maybe you could call it "over" communicating but maybe that's misleading. I think maybe it has more to do with timing and giving equal weight to others needs too. Sometimes a topic may just be "too much" for a particular person at that point in time. They be be internally dealing with their own "stuff" and just not be mentally or emotionally capable of digging in too deep on some complex issue on your mind. That's the message you are probably receiving when you mention you get "acknowledgment but not pursuit".
This is one of the nice things about having a bigger "circle" if you will - a better chance that you may find someone who is available right then to get into the thick of it with you.
If it's an issue primarily involving me and the person I want to initiate the discussion with I generally take the approach of saying, "I've got this thing on my mind the WE need to talk about". Then I'll listen for the "go signal". If I don't get it - I respect that - and leave it with a follow up of "we REALLY need to deal with this - ok ? So let's find a time. Only if I see an intentional effort to avoid the conversation over some time issue will I push it.

That's what works for me....

GS
Click to expand...

Odd that my partner and I were having this same conversation last night...is it the moon?

We communicate all the time about everything and though it sometimes seems that we are 'over-communicating' about things we came to the conclusion that this renewed level of conversation is part of what we enjoy about poly in our lives. Again we feel that we are communicating on a deep and meaningful level about our needs and wants, much like we did at the beginning of our relationship, and we both find it incredibly satisfying.

That being said, we often have to make the conscious choice to STOP and focus on other areas of our relationship as well. Fun, kids, sex, life and poly all have to have a place in our lives. We love to beat dead horses but moving on to other things can change our perspective as well.

When I am feeling like I HAVE to talk about things and others are not receptive I try to remember that life is a marathon not a sprint and all things will come in their own time whether I try to force them or not.
 
I was just saying to my partner earlier in the week that the reason we are fighting so much at the moment is because we both make assumptions and don't ask the questions we need to,lack of communication and probably an element of fear I think. He always says he wants to know how I'm feeling but sometimes he can't articulate my fears and tears and ends up feeling helpless. So I guess you have to have the skills to keep the 'doors open' even if you don't understand. I think we have yet to find that medium where we can both express our true feelings and feel safe,we seem to veer between extremes but will sit down to discuss ways to communicate better when I visit next.
 
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As long as you're allowing the other person to comunicate back, even if you don't like the message (which may be, I'm overloaded with talk right now, lets take a break) then I don't think there is any such thing as overcommunication. Some people may be uncomfortable with the level you communicate at, its not something that is intrinsically wrong though.

It just requires both of you being sensitive to each other's needs, keeping the positive to negative communications (verbal and body language) above the 5 to 1 ratio overall (altho thats not always possible in a single day overall its a good indicator of overall longterm health of your connection) and learning to trust each other's motives for communicating.
 
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