Is it unfair to say that he can't fuck her while I'm at work?

Cleo

New member
that sucks.

How is he responding to the fact that you're hurt and upset?
Does he understand that he broke a boundary? Does he try to understand why it's so upsetting for you?

My husband broke a major boundary (with his GF, who I don't like, so - similar situation).

I could not for the life of me understand why he did that. My kind, considerate, caring husband. Turns out that even though we had specifically talked about the boundary, he still managed to interpret it in such a way, that he did not feel that he did anything wrong when he broke it. Which was SO frustrating. It took many many hours of conversation before he finally GOT it, that the boundary meant something different to me than it meant to him, and only then could he truly apologize and could I truly accept his apology.

I guess what I'm saying is that even though you say things like "i made this clear to him" and "he knows this, we talked about it" it could still be that you don't have the exact same view about the rules and boundaries. I found this out the hard way! With new boundaries, I am MUCH more cautious, I explain what I want and why I want it and I think of all possible caveats, and I make my husband repeat what I said which seems incredibly childish but you would not believe how many times someone will repeat what you said and repeat it wrong... because people will hear what they want to hear, especially when they want to have sex. ;)

so, while it's ok to think he's a fucking monster douchebag for now, while you're hurting, he is also just a human being who messed up. It all depends on how he is willing to deal with the messing up, and if he's willing to trust YOU more (because the secrecy about meeting or not meeting her, feels like lack of trust to me)

Good luck, it's not a very nice situation, I know :(
 

Violet1

New member
Thank you GalaGirl and Cleo for the empathetic responses. I got home about an hour ago and he was actually sleeping on the couch, and had our bed all made up.. I was planning on coming home and sleeping on the couch since I'm so upset with him. So either he just passed out there or he was anticipating my not wanting to sleep with him today.

It's hard to tell if he was actually considering how much this hurt me when we talked on the phone last night, because yes he was apologetic but only after I started crying to him. You know how men get when girls cry, they just want to say anything to make it stop. But he had also had some beers and I'm sure he was high as well, and there was a point in the conversation where he actually laughed at what I was saying. I hung up on him because I was expressing my hurt to him and he laughed!!! But it could be the product of the beer/weed.

He was the one that came up with the "no sex with others in our bed" boundary, when we were first talking (in the beginning of our relationship) about how we would go about the whole thing. So I don't understand why he felt it was okay to do that, when HE was the one who brought it up in the first place. Not only that, but he had reassured me right before he went out with her that they would not go in our bedroom.

He is going out of town this weekend to play with the band, and wanted me to come with, and wasn't sure if I would because I have a lot of homework, but I'm sure not going now...
 

Violet1

New member
I kind of have to wonder if she was the one pushing him to go into the bedroom... I don't want to create an imaginary scenario of her being the bad guy but... Even if that were the case he should have said no, that's off limits.
 

Violet1

New member
Also, I'm the one who came into this wanting it to be open and he was accepting but hesitant to the idea. So now he's obviously warmed up to it but one would think that he would be even more careful about boundaries since he was the one that had all the qualms about it in the first place.
 

Cleo

New member
It's hard to tell if he was actually considering how much this hurt me when we talked on the phone last night, because yes he was apologetic but only after I started crying to him. You know how men get when girls cry, they just want to say anything to make it stop. But he had also had some beers and I'm sure he was high as well, and there was a point in the conversation where he actually laughed at what I was saying. I hung up on him because I was expressing my hurt to him and he laughed!!! But it could be the product of the beer/weed.

Yes, that is strange, that he came up with the boundary and now broke it.

About the girl: don't think about her, or if she made him do it, or whatever. His agreements with you are between the 2 of you.

But 1 piece of advice.. and god knows I have not followed this advice many many times... but wish I had: don't have the big, emotional discussions when drunk or high or sleep deprived... Really. Don't do it. Wait till you're both sober and rested. It's difficult enough without the extra drama that intoxication brings.

Maybe it's good that you'll spend some time apart, but make a date for when he comes back, to really sit down and talk about stuff.
 

Vinccenzo

New member
Also, I'm the one who came into this wanting it to be open and he was accepting but hesitant to the idea. So now he's obviously warmed up to it but one would think that he would be even more careful about boundaries since he was the one that had all the qualms about it in the first place.

Ahhh, perhaps a bit of the ole "well this is what you wanted right? How you liking it now?" angle.
 

redpepper

New member
I haven't read the whole thread here, so excuse me if there are some repeats in what I say. Hopefully it will back up someones point if I did repeat.

I wonder if you are struggling with this because sex between two can be more intimate. They are spending alone time together doing something very bonding. Perhaps your fear is that he could fall in love. Or she could with him. Bingo, polyamory (otherwise I would refer to what you have as an open marriage). It seems to me that after several times and his continued desire that love might be the case.

It seems that its become a matter of her being in your life and everything adjusting to that. You can't make them do anything, but you can ask they be gentle with your feelings, be patient and go slowly. Pacing is so important. That and talk. A lot! Communicating everything that comes up for you and listening to what comes up for them is key.
 

AutumnalTone

New member
To put it another way, your jealousy isn't the issue I see. I can think of a hundred reasons why I might not want to be out struggling to earn a living while my partner was playing afternoon delight. I can't imagine having, or keeping, a significant other who lacked the self-control and maturity to consider my feelings in that way.

ANd from his point of view, he can say "I can't imagine having, or keeping, a significant other who lacked the self-control and maturity to deal with her own issues and instead tried to control my other relationships."

From here, it appears the jealousy isn't the issue, it's the expectation that she gets to control his other relationships that is the issue. And I can't imagine having, or keeping, a partner who tried to use her issues to control my other relationships.
 

km34

New member
ANd from his point of view, he can say "I can't imagine having, or keeping, a significant other who lacked the self-control and maturity to deal with her own issues and instead tried to control my other relationships."

From here, it appears the jealousy isn't the issue, it's the expectation that she gets to control his other relationships that is the issue. And I can't imagine having, or keeping, a partner who tried to use her issues to control my other relationships.

I find this interesting... How is requesting that sex not happen in HER bed controlling his other relationships? She says that she was working through the issues with them having sex in general while she was at work (since she realized that it's unrealistic/unfair), but not using the bed was a hard limit. Condemning someone for that seems rather harsh.
 

YouAreHere

Well-known member
I find this interesting... How is requesting that sex not happen in HER bed controlling his other relationships? She says that she was working through the issues with them having sex in general while she was at work (since she realized that it's unrealistic/unfair), but not using the bed was a hard limit. Condemning someone for that seems rather harsh.

Wondering if this is in response to the original question (having sex while the OP was at work) and not the latest posts?

IMO, the original request may work best as a soft limit with a time attached to it ("Can you guys not have sex while I'm at work for the next couple weeks until I work out why I'm so twigged by it?"), but I think that's all been eclipsed by the current breach of boundaries. To the OP, I'm sorry this is happening... Hugs and positive vibes going your way!
 

nycindie

Active member
I find this interesting... How is requesting that sex not happen in HER bed controlling his other relationships? . . . Condemning someone for that seems rather harsh.

KM, as I see AT's post, he was responding to Nudibranch's comment much further up the thread, so it is referring to the original question -- before the whole "they had sex in our bed" situation happened.

Violet1, I felt the same thing about the question you originally posted, and your logic about it. I thought that you simply wanted to maintain some sense of control over a situation that you had not quite resolved in yourself, and weren't actually okay with.

And now that a boundary was broken, it feels even more crazy and out of control. I think, though, that besides the rebuilding of trust that your boyfriend needs to do, you still have lots of work to do in order to really feel okay with poly. To me, when you said he woke you with "the delightful news," beyond the fact that you were awakened out of a sound sleep, your sarcasm made it clear that you wouldn't have wanted him fucking her alone no matter when or where it happens, even though you tell yourself you were okay with it. Your remark was like "joking on the square" -- it showed your true feelings. I had a sense from reading your first post that one major reason you want to participate is to keep an eye on him and feel like you have a handle on it all.

My sense is that neither of you are quite ready to manage the intricacies of poly just yet. Your task is dealing with letting go of the reins and trusting that you don't need to micromanage his dick in order to feel like your relationship is solid, and he needs to act with integrity in order to regain your trust and move forward.
 
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