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https://www.lelo.com/blog/is-polyamory-right-for-you-8-questions-to-help-you-decide/
To sum up the main points (you can read the article if you want further explanations) and my own personal answers to 'em....
1. Do you want an open relationship?
2. Is your relationship stable and happy?
I feel these first two questions speak to a presumption that poly relationships always begin with a primary couple. But I get it. To answer them, I am not doing poly to please a partner when I would prefer to be mono, nor am I trying to fix a troubled mono relationship by opening it.
I pass both of those.
3. Are you an enthusiastic sex & relationship communicator?
Sometimes. I do recognize I've got a few areas where I'm awkward or have a harder time speaking my mind, but I consciously work on them (sex being one.) I am intuitive and diplomatic and in general though I am fairly good at communicating. I am an excellent relationship communicator, I think, I don't operate on assumptions.
I'll give myself a pass with only a bit of reservation.
4. How jealous are you?
I'm not. Pass with flying colors.
5. How anxiously attached are you?
Oh boy. This one is tricky. I do get feelings of insecurity and fear that people don't like/love me as much as they claim to, or that I'm not doing enough or not good enough. This particular emotional weak spot is why "words of validation" is my highest ranking "love language" in the five love languages test. It's not hard to put me at ease, but I do need reassurance sometimes. I have an extremely hard time with lovers who leave me in the dark, run hot and cold on me, or do things that make me feel rejected.
However, these fears and insecurities are coupled with a complete lack of jealousy. So I'm not triggered to fear by a lover's love of another, but by how they specifically treat ME.
I actually cannot say that I pass in this particular category.
6. How cognitively flexible/tolerant of ambiguity are you?
Very. Total pass. I can have everything completely planned and charted out, yet roll with a full change in plan with no stress at all. And I don't get angry easily, and I don't hold grudges. Honestly if a partner broke a "rule" I'd be more concerned with how they felt about it ("Are you ok with what you just did?") than how I feel about it.
7. How well do you regulate your emotions?
Fairly well! All of the behaviors mentioned in the article for regulation or healthy dealing with emotional turmoil, are things I do. The only unhealthy, "not regulating well" behavior I have is falling into temporary depressive states and sleeping too much. And I try very hard to consciously avoid that.
Giving myself a pass (and a high five for all of the times I regulated...because it's sure been a learning process to get as good at this as I HAVE become, and it's often not easy to do.)
8. Do you have a supportive community?
YES! Very very. I live in a region where there are many openminded people. My coworkers don't judge me. No one (except some people online at a forum I abandoned last year) has called my ability to be a good parent to my kids into question because I'm poly (or because I'm bi, or because I'm kinky.) My family supports me. And there's an awesome community here that I'm involved in. I feel very supported. Pass.
I like this article, because at the least, even if it may not be answering the question of "Is polyamory right for you?" definitively as the title suggests, I think that these questions are good ones to ask oneself to highlight areas of challenge in relationships in general. I am reminded to watch out for attachment-anxiety and to keep working on my emotional regulation (and I feel validated in that what I do to regulate, seems to be the "right" stuff...I've chosen the correct tools to do this job.)
To sum up the main points (you can read the article if you want further explanations) and my own personal answers to 'em....
1. Do you want an open relationship?
2. Is your relationship stable and happy?
I feel these first two questions speak to a presumption that poly relationships always begin with a primary couple. But I get it. To answer them, I am not doing poly to please a partner when I would prefer to be mono, nor am I trying to fix a troubled mono relationship by opening it.
I pass both of those.
3. Are you an enthusiastic sex & relationship communicator?
Sometimes. I do recognize I've got a few areas where I'm awkward or have a harder time speaking my mind, but I consciously work on them (sex being one.) I am intuitive and diplomatic and in general though I am fairly good at communicating. I am an excellent relationship communicator, I think, I don't operate on assumptions.
I'll give myself a pass with only a bit of reservation.
4. How jealous are you?
I'm not. Pass with flying colors.
5. How anxiously attached are you?
Oh boy. This one is tricky. I do get feelings of insecurity and fear that people don't like/love me as much as they claim to, or that I'm not doing enough or not good enough. This particular emotional weak spot is why "words of validation" is my highest ranking "love language" in the five love languages test. It's not hard to put me at ease, but I do need reassurance sometimes. I have an extremely hard time with lovers who leave me in the dark, run hot and cold on me, or do things that make me feel rejected.
However, these fears and insecurities are coupled with a complete lack of jealousy. So I'm not triggered to fear by a lover's love of another, but by how they specifically treat ME.
I actually cannot say that I pass in this particular category.
6. How cognitively flexible/tolerant of ambiguity are you?
Very. Total pass. I can have everything completely planned and charted out, yet roll with a full change in plan with no stress at all. And I don't get angry easily, and I don't hold grudges. Honestly if a partner broke a "rule" I'd be more concerned with how they felt about it ("Are you ok with what you just did?") than how I feel about it.
7. How well do you regulate your emotions?
Fairly well! All of the behaviors mentioned in the article for regulation or healthy dealing with emotional turmoil, are things I do. The only unhealthy, "not regulating well" behavior I have is falling into temporary depressive states and sleeping too much. And I try very hard to consciously avoid that.
Giving myself a pass (and a high five for all of the times I regulated...because it's sure been a learning process to get as good at this as I HAVE become, and it's often not easy to do.)
8. Do you have a supportive community?
YES! Very very. I live in a region where there are many openminded people. My coworkers don't judge me. No one (except some people online at a forum I abandoned last year) has called my ability to be a good parent to my kids into question because I'm poly (or because I'm bi, or because I'm kinky.) My family supports me. And there's an awesome community here that I'm involved in. I feel very supported. Pass.
I like this article, because at the least, even if it may not be answering the question of "Is polyamory right for you?" definitively as the title suggests, I think that these questions are good ones to ask oneself to highlight areas of challenge in relationships in general. I am reminded to watch out for attachment-anxiety and to keep working on my emotional regulation (and I feel validated in that what I do to regulate, seems to be the "right" stuff...I've chosen the correct tools to do this job.)