Is this right for me?

C

cricketsong

New member
Hello,

Lately I've been struggling with feelings that make me feel very guilty. I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now, and we're very happy together. I can't imagine my life without him. We have so much fun together, and I love him so very much. But I feel as if I love another, as well. He's a person I've known longer, have dated before, and have never actually met. I feel as if he's had an unfair advantage, because he lives in a different state.

I had to choose between the two of them before, and I chose my boyfriend. It was a very difficult choice, and it tortured me for a very long time afterwards. He wanted to cut off communication from me, but I just couldn't deal with having him out of my life. We ended up staying friends, and still talk every day. Ever since I had to choose, I've been struggling with these feelings. I feel so guilty for still loving him, even though I already have a wonderful boyfriend. I feel like such an awful girlfriend, and it's really beginning to get to me.

I've been reading up on polyamory. I am interested in a V. I feel so selfish for considering it. Am I really as awful as a person as I think I am? Could something like this work for me? If it could, how I do bring it up with my current boyfriend and the other man I love?
 
You are not awful at all, so erase that thought from your mind. You do have to be open and honest with both of them if you want to have this, I mean, completely honest. There may be pain, and even loss, but continuing to essentially love two people separately will probably cause you more grief in the long run. You really don't want to end up in an affair atmosphere with the other guy, whether it is online or in person. Does your current boyfriend know of your friend and how you talk to him every day?

Don't beat yourself up.
 
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Thank you very much for your reply.

As of right now, I'm not sure if he knows that I talk to him every day. I am pretty sure that he still knows that I'm friends with him, though.
I guess I'm just afraid that if I bring this up, they'll think I'm trying to take the easy way out, or that I just want two boyfriends, "because I can," neither of which are true. I don't want to cause anyone any pain, and I can't imagine this not doing some of that. So I'm scared he'll think that if I love another person, then I can't possibly love him.

What would be the best way to bring up the subject of polyamory with them?
 
I'm not the best person to ask about this (I'm monogamous). There are better-suited people on here for that question. My life-love Redpepper might have some good insights. I'll speak to her about you. I'm sure she will help.

Keep reading. There are probably a few ideas on here already.
 
Hi there. I think you are on the right track in doing some research and coming on here. There is no need to so hard on yourself. You have been given the gift of being able to love. There is only good in that. How you go about loving so as to not hurt others, but to allow them to feel its wealth is the key. If they chose to avoid your love by leaving, that is their choice and loss.

I think that directing both here and telling them that you would like to try poly out is a good way to start. Show them your thread and then wait to see what they say.

Good luck, my friend. You are on the right track.
 
Thank you both very much. I guess the only way to see will be to try. It's going to take a lot of strength to do so, but I'll try to muster up all of my courage and direct them here. I'm going to continue doing my research, and see if this is really right for me. So far, I believe it is. When I look back on my past relationships, it makes sense.
 
You could casually mention polyamory and see their gut reaction. Maybe give it a couple of days and mention that you find it interesting. At that point, they may start questioning your interest. You could just state what you want and desire. There will be a lot of talking, but hopefully they will give it a shot. You are not awful for wanting this. But it does take courage to go after what you desire.
 
Cricketsong, you have found yourself right where many of us poly people have been. A major conundrum. As Redpepper and Mono have said, do not beat yourself up over this. You are who you are. If you are capable of loving more than one person at a time, and living in a more fulfilled, completed, harmonious bliss, that's great. But, just starting out as you are, you need to be upfront with these two guys, tell them how you feel, and allow them to get their feelings out on the table too.

I am struggling with my wife on this matter, because I found out many years into our marriage that I was poly. Now I'm asking her to change who she may be inside, and that's very tough and unfair of me to ask of her. Believe me, if I had realized 30 years ago that I was poly and wanted to live this way, I would have given her a heads-up then, and saved her a lot of pain and heartache now. We are still trying to deal with it and work through it. She is a wonderful women for loving me so, and being willing to try.
 
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