is this typical in poly relationships?

Alhena

New member
Advice needed please....I may be overreacting? TIA

So I’m new to this and I’m not really sure if this is normal or acceptable. My bf and his wife have been poly for a lot longer, I expected them to understand more and be used to the lifestyle but it seems that things are falling apart between his wife and I because she has doubts. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong to make her so unhappy, I’m trying really hard to do all this stuff just so she will like me and be happy but nothing seems to be working even when I do just what I’m asked. Problem is she’s very outgoing and talkative while I’m shy and quiet around people I’m not very close too especially when it’s my boyfriend’s wife who I feel totally intimidated by because she’s this cute little thing and I have all this pressure about making sure she likes me.
Sorry this is pretty long.

From the beginning there was a little trouble, she thought I didn’t like her because
I was quiet the first time we met. Before the bf and I were officially in a relationship we had been dating and she claimed we were spending too much time together and since her and I weren’t great friends yet and hubby had lied about something not regarding me she didn’t like us being together so she made him stop seeing me, while she was allowed to keep her girlfriend. A few weeks later she messaged me and asked me to come around again because he was unhappy and she wanted him to be happy. All she asked is we got to know each other a little more and I understood because he’s bringing me into their home and agreed.

Fast forward to a week or so ago, we are part of another poly site and there’s a thread about posting random things of your relationship/s. I was browsing and find a post she made that day saying she wasn’t sure she liked me anymore because I seemed uncaring, too busy and didn’t pay enough attention to her husband (my bf). So now I’m confused when I pay attention to him it’s too much for her, I laid off a little bit and she thinks I’m being cold and not liking him enough. Confusing as hell

Last week, my bf asks me to make sure I comment on her posts/whatever online so she doesn’t feel left out because she thinks he and I talk too much. He thinks she is jealous because she’s been looking for a bf and hasn’t had any luck. I asked him well what is she jealous about she lives with him, this amazing guy I only get to see maybe once a week for a couple hours. He said he knew it was a lot to ask but just to try and pay more attention to her and asked me to ask her to see a movie with her. Ok I agree, I want to be able to keep seeing my bf so I better keep the wife happy right?

Now Day after the movie (last Thursday) he and I are talking about how both (wife and mine) our birthdays are this week. I’m bummed about mine so I’m not celebrating but she is excited about hers so there a whole day of events planned. She sent out invites online and I hadn’t responded because I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to go since it’s my cousin’s graduations. Anyway he asked me to respond and make a big deal about it so her feelings don’t get hurt, again I say ok and do it.

Yesterday he asks me to spend the night since today is my birthday and I guess we are going to get some alone time. A few hours later he texts me that I can’t come after all so again another argument between them and I get kicked to the curb. Apparently he asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she says nothing because they’re having this whole day planned so he says that he wants to give her something since he will be giving me something and he didn’t want her to be hurt if she didn’t have an actual gift. Now I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, maybe I’m stupid but she got upset and went to vent on that site about how inconsiderate that was and how he is the one causing problems .

I’m getting tired of this, like I said I feel like I’m trying hard to do all these things to make her happy but she’s still not. I don’t feel like it’s my place to do so, I’m not dating her; I’m her husband’s girlfriend. Maybe I’m wrong? Am I being the stupid young chick new to poly who doesn’t understand? I’ve considered just telling him I don’t want to deal with his wife’s moods anymore and that part of our relationship just isn’t working. But I don’t want to lose him, I care about him, I enjoy our time together, and usually his wife and I seem to get along. I would really like continuing on being his girlfriend but all this just puts that little doubt in the back of my mind that I can’t keep jumping through hoops for her.
 

ferrishmatt

New member
Wow, sounds like a page out of my book! It's hard to say where the fault lines are in this and what you (and your bf and his wife) can do to make things better. A two-person relationship is infinitely complex and can't be summed up in a library shelf full of books. A triad or quad relationship makes it that much more dynamic.

I know in my relationship we work extremely hard to communicate everything. Sometimes it causes fights that probably could have been avoided. When our girlfriend left us, she had stopped communicated with us for several weeks. Her disapproving friends convinced her we weren't right for her and she finally bought in.

Earlier on in the relationship we had a couple breakups because of what you were describing. I believe everyone has to give it 100% or it won't work. And should it not, or should someone else not want to give it 100% then I've learned you can't hold yourself at fault for that.

If you feel like you're giving 100% and it's not enough then I'd venture to say that this may be a dead end for you. You should never feel like you're giving it your all and there's always room for improvement. If your situation does not encourage you to be a better part and person then most likely the others involved aren't aiming for 100%. If this is the case, don't let it get you down. It takes two to tango... three to drive in the carpool lane :) (I guess that means you're going nowhere if the three/four people can't be in the same car together)

Nevertheless, good luck. Keep us updated! And I apologize if I didn't give you the hope I'm sure you were looking for. Given enough time, things have a way of working themselves out for the better or worse.
 

redpepper

New member
Maybe you need to be more assertive about what you want. It sounds like you are being steam rolled by what she wants. In my "V" we do our best to keep balance and harmony by not being selfish, considering others, trouble shooting before something occurs and communicating our needs as they arise in the moment. It sounds like she is not very confident that your man is going to stick around. It will take time for her to get over this. Consistency, staying true to what you want and respecting your very valuable place in your mans life will all help. Your unrealistic threat to her will subside with time... if it doesn't then I wonder if it is worth the effort?
 

Quath

New member
It sounds like she isn an extrovert who is not use to dealing with introverts. So I think you should make the move to communicate with her. Let her know how confused you feel and how you are trying.

Just because they have been doing this longer doesn't mean they have everything worked out. So it doesn't soundlike you are making any newbie mistakes. It sounds more like communication issues. I think you should directly talk to her instead of through your boyfriend.

I wish you well.
 

redpepper

New member
I agree with Quath... nothing has worked better for me than establishing a relationship with those that my husband associates himself with. Without that there is misunderstandings and confused communication. With my boyfriend and my husband I have been known to tell wither that they have to talk to each other rather than through me. The more communication they have the better for all of us.
 

Alhena

New member
It sounds like she isn an extrovert who is not use to dealing with introverts. So I think you should make the move to communicate with her. Let her know how confused you feel and how you are trying.

Just because they have been doing this longer doesn't mean they have everything worked out. So it doesn't soundlike you are making any newbie mistakes. It sounds more like communication issues. I think you should directly talk to her instead of through your boyfriend.

I wish you well.

Thing is I'm scared to say anything that might sound negative to her because I'm quite sure she will just decide I'm a bitch, she doesnt like me and not allow my bf to see me anymore, which would totally suck and break my heart. So I'm trying to stay quiet and do what she says so I can stick around, I kinda figure if I just go along with her she wont mind having me around. I know I said in my last post its what I'm tired of which makes it confusing lol I just dont want to upset her.

I just thought she would have more experiance with being comfortable with other girls around her husband. Isn't it something you get used to or learn to live with when you choose this lifestyle?
 

Alhena

New member
I agree with Quath... nothing has worked better for me than establishing a relationship with those that my husband associates himself with. Without that there is misunderstandings and confused communication. With my boyfriend and my husband I have been known to tell wither that they have to talk to each other rather than through me. The more communication they have the better for all of us.

How much of a relationship should there be between 2 people who just happen to be dating the same person? I feel we do enough...we get along when the 3 of us hang out, we have a nice time when we occasionally hang out just us girls, when i try to not be shy we are able to communicate pretty well. I dont see what else there can be, she herself told me she didnt expect me to become her best friend that she just wanted to get to know me better (which she has), hang out occasionally (which we do), and be able to be ok friends (which i think we are...or maybe im wrong there?)
 

Alhena

New member
Maybe you need to be more assertive about what you want. It sounds like you are being steam rolled by what she wants. In my "V" we do our best to keep balance and harmony by not being selfish, considering others, trouble shooting before something occurs and communicating our needs as they arise in the moment. It sounds like she is not very confident that your man is going to stick around. It will take time for her to get over this. Consistency, staying true to what you want and respecting your very valuable place in your mans life will all help. Your unrealistic threat to her will subside with time... if it doesn't then I wonder if it is worth the effort?


haha uggh being assertive is not my forte.....im much more demure. She on the other hand is definatly the assertive one.

Also find it hard to think id ever hold a valuble place in his life because like I mentioned in the OP I've been just pushed away before. Any problem that arises between them seems to be magically fixed by getting rid of the gf even if it has nothing to do with me. I was very hurt once to find out he offered to stop seeing me just to get her to stop being mad at something else, like it would just solve the problem. If gf thaat much less important that a wife?
 

Quath

New member
Thing is I'm scared to say anything that might sound negative to her because I'm quite sure she will just decide I'm a bitch, she doesnt like me and not allow my bf to see me anymore, which would totally suck and break my heart. So I'm trying to stay quiet and do what she says so I can stick around, I kinda figure if I just go along with her she wont mind having me around. I know I said in my last post its what I'm tired of which makes it confusing lol I just dont want to upset her.
When you are quiet and shy, you are inviiting people to guess at your feelings. And I have noticed that people project their feelings when they guess. So if you can state your feelings, you are leaving less room for guesswork. There are still some people who will still project their feelings after this, but being open about your feelings weeds a lot of those issues out. Maybe start small. Let them know you feel expendable.

I just thought she would have more experiance with being comfortable with other girls around her husband. Isn't it something you get used to or learn to live with when you choose this lifestyle?
Heh. It reminds me of how some people drive. Just because they have driven for many years, they can still be scary drivers. It sounds like they are still learning. Since polyamory is so new, I think even the "experts" are still learning.

How much of a relationship should there be between 2 people who just happen to be dating the same person?
I think relationships evolve to be what they are. It could be a close bonded relationship or a casual friendship. At the minimum you just need to be able to communicate with the person to help plan out stuff and share your needs/desires. There are some couples where their other lovers never meet, so I guess it is not really the minimum. So it sounds like you are doing ok in that area.

Also find it hard to think id ever hold a valuble place in his life because like I mentioned in the OP I've been just pushed away before. Any problem that arises between them seems to be magically fixed by getting rid of the gf even if it has nothing to do with me. I was very hurt once to find out he offered to stop seeing me just to get her to stop being mad at something else, like it would just solve the problem. If gf thaat much less important that a wife?
This shows that they are still working out issues. You should not be treated as expendable. It sounds like she is still working out some jealousy issues if your bf is still offering to drop you to please her.
 

Danny40179

New member
I'm sorry. It sounds like you're in a pretty rough spot. I gotta be honest here. How long have your bf and his wife been poly? Your situation reminds me a lot of how my wife and I were at the start. It almost seems as if she's jealous and really only wants to be poly and have your bf be mono to just her. But she knows that if she wants to be poly then she has to be able to let him be as well. "Only fair" kinda thing, you know what I mean?

I agree that you have to be more assertive with what you want. I know that you love and care for your bf, but this lifestyle isn't for everyone. I'm not sure they really discussed bringing you into the picture. You mentioned that he even lied about something at the start. There can be NO lying if this relationship is going to work. You also have to be fair to yourself. You're not happy. You deserve to be happy, but I hope you don't need me to tell you that.

Talk, talk talk. That is my mantra when it comes to being poly. My wives and I know that we have to talk about ANYTHING that might be on any one of our minds. We also know that those conversations aren't always nice and pretty. But they're necessary. (I'm pretty sure I posted this somewhere else too...lol) I hope that everything works out for you and you end up happy. By whatever means that's supposed to happen.
 

nethergirl

New member
Earlier on in the relationship we had a couple breakups because of what you were describing.

Wow, I've had something similar happen as well... boyfriend's partner decided that she was unhappy seeing us together, and i flipped.. because i was doing everything i possibly could (as the OP seems to be doing) not to step on her toes. and we really got along on our own she just couldn't deal with the relationship for a time, and it was very painful. boyfriend and *i* almost broke up over fights that started with these problems and spiraled out of control.

Things are starting to look up now, but at the time it was a nightmare.

Alhena, i say hang in there, be as polite as possible and try to do what she needs (even if it keeps changing around).. i have found that if you stick around and prove yourself to be a 'real' person in the partners life and not just a phase, you do gain respect and trust over time.
 
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