It's a Texlahoma Story

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

So, nice day with Dag today ... We got lunch, walked around the park by his office, threw down a picnic blanket and made out in the sunshine for a while

And we talked. I spilled about feeling insecure that I'm not "good enough" - I'm not sexy enough, I don't have enough time for him, I'm too much work. He said he used to have all the same worries about not being what I needed or wanted... But at some point he stopped worrying, because "We always make it work". And he's right, we do.

He also said again that he's not interested in seeing anyone else, period, full stop. Dag doesn't do casual (which I get, I don't either), and he said he just can't imagine making this kind of situation work with anyone else. There's still a part of me that's like, but what if you change your mind???... But at some point I'm just going to have to take the guy at his word. He's happy, he's satisfied, he doesn't want anyone or anything but what we have. Take yes for an answer, Claire

It's like there's this disconnect between reality and my mind. The reality is, Dag's happy, Andy's happy, as far as I know Steph and Anna-Louise are happy... And if I could quit worrying about everybody, I'd be happy too. But in my head, everyone is suffering in silence, and it's all a disaster waiting to happen.

I know part of this is just me being an anxious person and a worrier. But there's another big part that comes from trying to be "poly" when it really doesn't fit.

I'm thrilled with the set up we have now, where Andy and I spend one night a week-ish and occasional vacations with our other partners. It's unusual for things to line up so that we are both out the same nights, but that works fine for us, we get one other-person date night, one night and occasional weekends alone, and all the rest of our time together. As far as I can tell, it's what the others want, too. If Andy spends more than a couple nights with Steph, she basically kicks him out so she can have her space back. Dag talks about wanting more time, but when I ask him straight up, he admits he doesn't have any more time to give. So... Ok. We've got something that works.

But then I try to learn about poly. According to everything I read, Andy and I are couple-privileged assholes, and our other loves are crying themselves to sleep at night because they feel neglected. We're setting ourselves up for failure, we're breaking all the poly rules.

So I get into this mode where I try to feel things I don't feel, and believe things that don't make any sense to me. Doing that messes with my head. It makes me question everything. Even myself.

 

[PinkPig]

You're not couple-privilege assholes! On the contrary, I think you do poly well! If Dag had an emergency and needed you, you'd be there, right? And it sounds like Andy prioritizes his friend-girls when they have needs greater than yours. That's not hierarchical or couple privileged, in my book! Sure, you've made decisions that you don't want co-primaries, or other nesting partners with significant financial entanglements, and you prefer to spend more time with each other than with your other partners BUT (and this is a big but, in my book, hence the caps), you've chosen partners with similar desires AND you don't impose stipulations or rules that are unfair. You've wisely chosen people who fit with your style poly

 

[OnceAndFuture]

1. On poly writers and couple privilege... Well as you know I am also one of those "couple-privlilege assholes". I find that there are a lot of writers on poly who basically write things like:

" Polyamory is about choosing the form of relationship that's right for you! Do it yourself, anything goes! Except for any forms of relationship that I consider wrong, which are (long list of common relationship types."

So I guess that's a way of saying that sometimes I think some poly writers talk the talk of "respect to all forms of relationships" but don't walk the walk. I've read some books that don't do that but there are definitely some that have an undertone of "respect my relationship, but I'm not necessarily going to respect yours." Well fuck that, to be blunt.

2. I guess the question of "being enough" or "being good enough" is going around now, as I'm struggling with The Signal saying that. It's a common fear I suppose. YouAreHere had a good post in my thread about that.

I guess you could ask yourself whether Dag would be so desirous of "making it work" if you weren't good enough. It seems to me he's chosen to make it work, and to be with you. From my standpoint I think he's made the call in your favor. Us guys aren't very complicated sometimes.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

You're not couple-privilege assholes! On the contrary, I think you do poly well! If Dag had an emergency and needed you, you'd be there, right? And it sounds like Andy prioritizes his friend-girls when they have needs greater than yours. That's not hierarchical or couple privileged, in my book!

Aww, thanks PinkPig... We try. But it basically comes down to, we're not horrible people. We're there for all of our friends and family when they need us. The only difference is that the friend-girls have times when they need Andy, but not me. But then, sometimes my girlfriends need just me, so maybe it's not that different.

And I guess that's where I start to feel like a poly failure - lumping these people in with "friends" rather than seeing them as being in the same kind of relationship with Andy as I am. I'm supposed to think it's all the same... But I don't. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that the person you share your entire life with is no more a priority than the person you see twice a month.

Sure, you've made decisions that you don't want co-primaries, or other nesting partners with significant financial entanglements, and you prefer to spend more time with each other than with your other partners BUT (and this is a big but, in my book, hence the caps), you've chosen partners with similar desires AND you don't impose stipulations or rules that are unfair. You've wisely chosen people who fit with your style poly

Is that enough, though? I read so many posts here about how "things change" and "falling in love changes everything". That scares the crap out of me... because we have decided we don't want any other entangled partners ... and been honest... and chosen wisely... But what if *things change*? There seems to be this poly attitude that you shouldn't start other relationships unless you're prepared to make them work *no matter what*. And again, I can't make myself feel that way. If Dag wanted 50% of my time, or to live with me? No, sorry. I love him, but that's not on offer.

1. On poly writers and couple privilege... Well as you know I am also one of those "couple-privlilege assholes". I find that there are a lot of writers on poly who basically write things like:

" Polyamory is about choosing the form of relationship that's right for you! Do it yourself, anything goes! Except for any forms of relationship that I consider wrong, which are (long list of common relationship types."

So I guess that's a way of saying that sometimes I think some poly writers talk the talk of "respect to all forms of relationships" but don't walk the walk. I've read some books that don't do that but there are definitely some that have an undertone of "respect my relationship, but I'm not necessarily going to respect yours." Well fuck that, to be blunt.

Agreed. I really hate the idea that one configuration is inherently superior to another. I miss monogamy sometimes!

I think we all need to do the hard work of learning about ourselves, what we want, what we need, what we can and can't handle. And build our relationships based on that. Instead of arbitrarily selecting mono or open or poly, and trying to fit ourselves into the boxes.

The thing is... I'm still DOING that work. (Maybe we all are!) So I worry that in my learning, my trial and error, I will somehow screw up

2. I guess the question of "being enough" or "being good enough" is going around now, as I'm struggling with The Signal saying that. It's a common fear I suppose. YouAreHere had a good post in my thread about that.

I guess you could ask yourself whether Dag would be so desirous of "making it work" if you weren't good enough. It seems to me he's chosen to make it work, and to be with you. From my standpoint I think he's made the call in your favor. Us guys aren't very complicated sometimes.

Thank you for that reminder about guy brains! And I posted some more thoughts on "enough" in that thread.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

It's been a shitty weekend for me. With both my guys, I feel like I'm giving 110%, and not getting much at all back Andy is stuck in self-pity mode with foot stuff, and Dag is... who the fuck knows. Busy, I guess. He canceled our date Friday because he had to work late, and I've barely heard from him all weekend.

What's interesting is how differently I react in the two relationships. With Andy, yeah it's crappy today, but marriages have bumps and rough patches. A couple bad days isn't going to break us - a couple bad years wouldn't break us. I might vent to my friends or cry some, but I don't ever question Andy's love, or that we belong together.

With Dag... Well, I'll just say this weekend has been a wake up call. I've realized that a lot of my "omg he'll break up with me if things aren't perfect" is me projecting my feelings onto Dag. I don't feel as willing to work on things with him as I do with my husband. I don't feel as invested. My mind doesn't go to "how do we fix this?" but to "should I stay in this relationship?".

I love Dag, I do. But a lot of the time I think we'd be better off defining our relationship as "friends who have sex if they want" than "boyfriend and girlfriend". Dropping the idea of a closed poly situation. It is pretty damn frustrating when we can't find time to see each other, but we're barred from finding others with maybe more compatible schedules. Our current "rules" allow online stuff and flirting but no new real life partners. Great for Dag, who lives online and loves cyber sex...Less great for me, I just have no interest in online only stuff.

I know a lot of my bad mood is I'm just cranky from lack of sex... Andy hasn't been in the mood for a couple of weeks now, can't blame him, it's hard to feel sexy with a big plastic boot strapped to your foot And Dag and I just haven't been able to make anything work except quick lunches. I'm usually not a sex fiend, but after a couple of weeks...

I'm trying to just relax and not make stupid decisions from a place of feeling hurt and sad and neglected.

 

[nycindie]

I love Dag, I do. But a lot of the time I think we'd be better off defining our relationship as "friends who have sex if they want" than "boyfriend and girlfriend". Dropping the idea of a closed poly situation. It is pretty damn frustrating when we can't find time to see each other, but we're barred from finding others with maybe more compatible schedules. Our current "rules" allow online stuff and flirting but no new real life partners. Great for Dag, who lives online and loves cyber sex...Less great for me, I just have no interest in online only stuff.

This is not the first time you've said this, so maybe it isn't just frustration from lack of sex. Perhaps you do need to re-define, re-label, and renegotiate your relationship with Dag. It does seem to be a recurring source of irritation for you.

 

[OnceAndFuture]

I wonder how much of it is that you are wanting the relationship to fit the label, rather than the other way around. As a society we don't have a lot of labels for relationships--there aren't many gradations between "FWB", "girlfriend/boyfriend", or "spouse". So we stick one of those labels on our relationship and then hope that what goes on between us looks like our perception of what that word means to us. I hesitated to call The Star "my girlfriend" not because I didn't feel the depth of love and passion one might feel towards a girlfriend, but because I knew there were things that couldn't happen between us that others might assume from that label. The Star did call me "boyfriend" and did struggle with the fact I couldn't be some of the things that "a boyfriend should be".

So I would be careful to say that changing the label on the relationship between you and Dag would solve things. Rather I think you need to define what you do have and build your own definition around that.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

This is not the first time you've said this, so maybe it isn't just frustration from lack of sex. Perhaps you do need to re-define, re-label, and renegotiate your relationship with Dag. It does seem to be a recurring source of irritation for you.

It is a constant source of irritation, to be honest.

When I read back over this blog, I can see that, compared to most other people, I have it pretty damn good. There's no crazy, no upheaval, no drama. I have a great husband and a great boyfriend. I like Andy's friend-girls; there's no friction or jealousy. But I'm still, like, always whining and bitching and unhappy. Why?

I think I'm just exhausted from trying to make this thing with Dag be something it's not. And from trying to reconcile what we say with what we do.

I had really hoped that Dag and Andy meeting would somehow make everything easier. It did, in some ways. But it didn't resolve the biggest issues. Looking back it seems silly to have expected it would - these are issues between me and Dag, nothing to do with Andy.

It's not about my husband or Dag's wife, it's about *us* - we don't have the time or energy to sustain the kind of relationship we claim to want. So we talk a lot about what we could do or should do, and never actually do any of it. Which leaves me feeling both let down and neglected, and like I'm the one failing and not doing enough.

So I would be careful to say that changing the label on the relationship between you and Dag would solve things. Rather I think you need to define what you do have and build your own definition around that.

Wise words...

Like Andy calling his ladies "friend-girls". I'm not even sure *I* understand what a friend-girl is, but he does, and they do, and it works

I don't think it's solely a matter of labels and definitions... There are a few things that I would like to change about our agreements. For one, I am really frustrated with the no-new-people thing. Both because I would like the *possibility* of others, and because it would relieve 99% of the guilt and pressure I feel about not always being available to Dag.

For example, I was miserable and sad all weekend, and Dag was just not around, and now I'm trying to type this and get out the door for work, while Dag is texting nonstop bored and wanting attention. It seems like, either we agree that yes, we're a priority, of the "make time no matter what" kind... Or we say that's not possible, and open things up.

 

[Cleo]

I've read your blog from the beginning, and maybe I've missed this, but, did you ever write about why you decided to be in a closed relationship? Was that always a given or something you talked about and both decided on? Just curious about the underlying reasons for it... and maybe thinking about those reasons could help with the renegotiating?

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I've read your blog from the beginning, and maybe I've missed this, but, did you ever write about why you decided to be in a closed relationship? Was that always a given or something you talked about and both decided on? Just curious about the underlying reasons for it... and maybe thinking about those reasons could help with the renegotiating?

No, I don't think I ever talked about it!

Mainly it was because we wanted to ditch the condoms, and I'm not at all comfortable with unprotected sex if there's the possibility of new partners being introduced. I hate, hate, hate having to police my partners' sex lives, even to the point of insisting they use condoms with others. So, if one of my partners is having sex with someone else who I wouldn't want to be indirectly fluid bonded with, condoms with me. Right now, I'm actually not having unprotected sex with my husband... He wants to keep the Anna-Louise option open, and I just don't wanna be the "use condoms!!!" drill sergeant. (It's also less of an issue because Andy and I don't do a ton of piv sex anyway.) I just find it MUCH easier to set a boundary around myself than around someone else.

Anyway, in the throes of NRE with Dag, I couldn't imagine ever wanting anyone else so closing to new people and having all the bareback sex seemed like a perfect idea. Also, in previous relationships, I've kept everything open, but never wanted a third partner. I figured I was poly-saturated (hell, poly-overwhelmed) with one husband and one boyfriend.

But right now? I'm REALLY struggling with this sense that neither my needs nor Dag's are being met. It's a time thing, it's an energy thing, it's a NRE wearing off and we're no longer willing to drive all night or blow off our friends just to get an hour together thing. I'm trying to kind of, I don't know, think on it a little while... Figure out whether these changes are really what *I* want, I guess.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I think I'm angry at Dag.

I say "I think" because I am really incredibly bad at recognizing when I feel angry. I tend to subconsciously turn anger into something, anything else - sadness, anxiety, fatigue. Anger in my bio family inevitably ended in violence. The kind of violence that involves guns or knives, or, for one super fun period, ninchuks. The kind that means whichever party loses the storytelling battle with the police is going to spend 24 hours in a psych lockup. So, yeah, I'm conflict averse, and uncomfortable even feeling anger at all.

Dag and I were texting just now when I finished work, his kids started those godawful state tests today and I wanted to check in. He said he wanted to go out one night this week... And I had to stop myself from writing back something bitchy. Hmmm. I think I'm angry.

But I don't know *why*.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Well, I kind of know why I'm angry. Dag didn't do anything for my birthday. I've been trying and trying to convince myself that I don't care, it didn't bother me at all, but... yeah, it upset me.

My birthday was over the weekend and it was all around shitty - Andy and I were pissy at each other, my plans fell through in a way that ended in all my friends going out to my birthday celebration without me. Seriously, don't ask. Also, Sunday was Mother's Day, which ruins my birthday almost every year (my mom died when I was in middle school, my relationship with my step mom is rocky, hate that holiday).

I've gotten over that stuff - things with Andy are good, my friends managed to make me feel special and awesome even though we "celebrated" by text. But Dag just said Happy Birthday at the end of an email the day before. That's it. We were supposed to go out Friday, and I'd kind of hoped that would be a birthday date - but he had to work late and cancel, and he hasn't brought it up again.

Today, when he was all, "maybe we could go out this week", it just bugged me that there was zero mention of it being a birthday thing. I mean, when we got together Thursday, that was a picnic I planned and bought and set up. So are we just skipping my birthday entirely since Friday didn't work out? Or maybe he didn't even think of Friday as a birthday thing, and that was wishful thinking in my part.

I made a huge deal about his birthday... Took him out to dinner, even borrowed Andy's convertible so we could cruise the back roads on the way. And I had to reserve the table (and the car, lol) twice, since his folks showed up unexpectedly the day before we were supposed to go out.

I know I sound like a whiny spoiled brat. I don't really care, it's my blog and all, but for those of you reading this and going, "damn that girl is a princess " .. Yeah, I'm aware. Holidays and birthdays and special occasions are a big deal to me. I love celebrating them with my friends.

I'm frustrated... On the one hand, I'm sad and angry Dag didn't do anything for my birthday... And yet... I feel like I have no right to expect this stuff from him. I'm not a "real" girlfriend, why would he take me out, it's not his job to do that stuff.



Tldr - I'm a bit of a brat, and I think it's fucked up that my "boyfriend" didn't do anything for my birthday.

 

[icesong]

I don't think you're being a brat. I do have one question for you though - does he *know* that you want *your* birthday to be a big deal? And yeah, I know you did a bunch for his - but I'm not sure that that says in so many words that you want something similarly big.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I don't think you're being a brat. I do have one question for you though - does he *know* that you want *your* birthday to be a big deal? And yeah, I know you did a bunch for his - but I'm not sure that that says in so many words that you want something similarly big.

I really don't know.

I am truly astonished by how I can be so good at communicating with Andy, and so phenomenally terrible at communicating with Dag.

Even with friends, family, I am usually good at relationship stuff. Hell, even with my exes, I did pretty damn well. But with Dag... My insecurity just gets in the way of being able to say what I need

 

[Hannahfluke]

My other partner besides my husband is a fairly casual relationship, we get together for a few hours once or twice a month, so certainly way more casual than you and Dags. However, this past year we've gotten less casual than we were before (we've built a D/s relationship, which we didn't have before last July - we're still fairly casual despite this, it's, for the most part, bedroom only). Before this year, it wasn't a big deal that he didn't acknowledge my birthday, because I know he doesn't particularly like holidays and we weren't really close, more like friends with very occasional benefits. This year, for a few weeks leading up to my birthday, I tried to convince myself that it still didn't matter if he didn't acknowledge my birthday, but the truth is our relationship had changed enough that I needed him to at least say happy birthday on my birthday. He didn't have any issue with me needing that, he was happy to give it to me, and it turns out that this is the first time I'd actually told him what day my birthday is, even though we've dated on and off for a few years. My point is that needing someone you love and care about to acknowledge your birthday (more than just a side note at the end of something else) isn't that weird and doesn’t make you seem like a princess. However, Dags may not realize how big a deal your birthday is to you, so you may need to tell him.

It seems to me that a lot of the issues you're having lately are because you don't believe you deserve or have the right to want anything from Dags. You deserve to be able to have relationships that add to your life and make you happy, no matter what label is attached to them. You have the right to be able to ask Dags for what you need, regardless of the fact your life isn't as intwined with his as it is with Andy. I hope you're able to let go of all these ideas of what "a poly person should be like" and ask for and build a relationship with Dags that builds you up instead of constantly draining you. It doesn't matter what other people do, it only matters what you and the people you're involved with need and do in your relationships, even if everyone else in the world thinks it's weird. You can and absolutely should build relationships that make you happy.

 

[Reverie]

Tldr - I'm a bit of a brat, and I think it's fucked up that my "boyfriend" didn't do anything for my birthday.

I don't think that you are a brat at all! To me, it's perfectly reasonable to expect for someone who says that they love you to care about your birthday and do something about it. I'd be pretty bummed too.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

It seems to me that a lot of the issues you're having lately are because you don't believe you deserve or have the right to want anything from Dags. You deserve to be able to have relationships that add to your life and make you happy, no matter what label is attached to them. You have the right to be able to ask Dags for what you need, regardless of the fact your life isn't as intwined with his as it is with Andy.

This made me cry Because you're completely right.

(And also because I am on my period for the first time in a year )

I don't feel like I have the right to ask him for anything. I feel like I just need to take what is available - or not. And that sucks, and it makes me resentful of being closed right now. Though honestly, my self esteem has just tanked over the past few months, and I can't even imagine anyone else wanting to date me.

I don't think that you are a brat at all! To me, it's perfectly reasonable to expect for someone who says that they love you to care about your birthday and do something about it. I'd be pretty bummed too.

Ok, I'm starting to feel a little less crazy

For me, birthday stuff is like, one of the basic requirements of friendship. At least checking in and offering to do something; obviously some people are not birthday celebrators, or they're doing something with just their partner, or whatever. But you don't just ignore a close friends birthday.

This is the first year in ten years of friendship that D and I did not spend both of our b-days together... We didn't spend either of them together, in fact She's in school across the state, and working part time too, and applying to grad programs - in other words, swamped. But she texted me at 11:30 pm the night before my b-day, so we'd be chatting at midnight and she could give me the first Happy Birthday Sometimes I think my super awesome friends have spoiled me, and my expectations for everyone are now way out of whack with reality!

 

[PinkPig]

I agree with Reverie & Hannah. It's not at all bratty to want your partners to acknowledge your birthday. I do think it could be a case of expectations, like Hannah said (depending on how big of a deal birthdays are in Dags' world.)

Happy Belated Birthday, Claire

 

[OnceAndFuture]

And I totally agree with Reverie, Hannah, and Pink--there's not really an excuse for Dag not saying or doing anything for your birthday. Even if you are friends with benefits, surely that falls under the "friends" part of the deal. Especially after how you treated him for his. This is Not Done, as my ex-MIL would have said with her taste for understatement. I completely understand why you're upset and I would hardly call you a brat for feeling this way... I'd be a bit more demonstrative to be honest in your situation. Add my concern to theirs.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I am really glad to know I'm not the only person who thinks birthdays are a thing. Andy was... less than helpful on that point

Andy: Birthdays just aren't a big deal for most people after 21.

Me: What are you talking about??? We celebrate everybody's birthday!!!

Andy: Yeah, but that's just because you like making a big deal about birthdays and always organize stuff.

Me: (stomp slam sulk pout)

Maybe it is just a mismatch of expectations... I see celebrating birthdays as part of anything more than casual friendship, other mature adults have outgrown that apparently Maybe Dag just missed the entire month of plaintive whiny birthday hints.

(Although Dag and his wife each get a solo vacation for their birthday every year, so he obviously knows birthdays exist.)

I guess I just feel like I'm cherry picking the parts of a "relationship" that I want, and discarding the rest, and that it's unfair of me to do that. Dag still talks about apartments, and I'm not up for that, even though I think it would make him really happy. So do I get to expect birthday stuff just because it's important to *me*, when I'm not necessarily willing to do something just because it's important to *him*? It's just hard for me - I tend to have the same expectations for boyfriends/FWBs as for other friends - but I feel like in some areas Dag expects a lot more, and in others a lot less