It's a Texlahoma Story

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Castle left this morning for two and a half weeks back home on the east coast... We spent last night together at the lake with my dogs, a perfect way to share his last night here, since we have had so many amazing times up there this summer

I miss him already, but I'm in a better place about him being gone than I was last time. I'm definitely more secure in the relationship now. And this is going to sound pathetic but it helps knowing that he and his wife didn't have sex at all last trip home, and probably won't this trip, either. One thing I have learned about myself is that I'm great at the "loving many" side of poly and terrible at the " multiple sex partners" part I just ... I dunno. I don't understand wanting sex with multiple people, and I'm shitty at being comfortable with things I don't understand. So what I have right now - where castle and I have this amazing love and sex but no escalator with each other, plus love and escalator without sex with our spouses - that's perfect.

For now, anyway. Will I eventually lose my shit over not getting to live happily ever after with Castle? Right now, it feels like we are a couple and yet we both have families to take care of so it doesn't make sense to even consider living together. Like if I were, say, single and dating a guy with kids... In that situation, I'd want to avoid cohabitation and marriage, but I'd still be happy being together.

Maybe I'll finally have time to write more now that I'm not squeezing in hours of quality time with both Castle and Andy every day. Maybe I'll at least get some sleep

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I feel like every day I think of things I want to write here, and then life happens, and there is just no time...

Castle is coming back to town in a little over a week, and he'll be here for a full month again. He's trying to move his job here, or find a new one, so that he can be in Dallas full time eventually. The scary part is that he's doing that mostly so we can be together. I mean, not entirely, but... Yeah.

I should be over the moon, right? And I absolutely would be, if he were single, or if he was hoping to move here alone. But he's hoping his wife will move here, too, at least part time.



I obviously understand, i would never expect or want him to give up having a full time nesting partner, it's ridiculously unfair the way it is now. Yet I have zero illusions about things being the way they are if his wife is here. It will be a day a week, maybe two, hotel rooms and meeting in parks... It won't feel relationship-y anymore. Will I still even want to be with him? I don't know. I really don't. I think I might decide the pain of losing him is easier than the pain of feeling secondary and unnecessary all the time. I know myself well enough now to realize there is nothing anybody can do it say to make me feel secure when they go home to another person.

It seems unfair, after he's been so great about me living with Andy. But what good is fair when everyone is miserable?

Plus I don't get the feeling he'd be able to give me the same priority I've given him. When Castle is here, he gets "first dibs" on weekday evenings,and sleepovers at the lake any weekday he wants, even though it fucks up my work schedule. (Weekends are the reverse, where I work my schedule with Castle around Andy.)

Anyway. I've tried to talk to him about it all, but I need to try harder. Make a little clearer how freakishly incapable I am of not turning everything into a damn competition. Not that he doesn't know that. He knows everything about me, and loves me for it, same as I do with him, which is the part that makes this so hard.

 

[WildColonial]

Hey, I just started reading your blog on a recommendation from Magdlyn. I appreciate how honest you are, and I look forward to updates.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Thanks WildColonial... Have to admit I still cringe at the thought of people reading the Dag-era posts ! But they are honest, if raw, and maybe everyone gets a pass on their first true attempt at poly

Counting the days until Castle gets back... I miss him like crazy. But in the sane, normal way. The way I miss Andy when he travels for work or with Steph.

I didn't get as much fun Andy time as I would have liked the past couple of weeks - he managed to get conjunctivitis and since he's blind without his contacts, leaving the house is not fun for him until the antibiotics are all done. He's miserable with work stuff, too. Orders came down the other day for him to cut his salary budget by several million dollars - that's a lot of layoffs. Not unexpected, since his old employer was bought out last year and everything is being smooshed together with the new company, but still painful.

Though I almost think it's better that we didn't try to do a billion date type things while castle was gone. I don't want it to seem like I'm only hanging out with Andy because my boyfriend is away. Or for Andy to dread Castle coming back because it means big scheduling changes.

I wish things could just stay like this, with Castle splitting his time between two homes. I know that's unfair to him. It's a fifteen hour drive, and flying gets expensive. Career-wise it's a mess. Plus it leaves him missing his wife and stepkids (and dogs!!!) half the time, and me and his kids the other half. But i still selfishly wish for it.

All my reasons for not wanting him to live here in Dallas with his wife are completely hypocritical, since I live with Andy full time. I get that. Can't help it, though. I don't want to juggle schedules or have less time with him. I don't want to have to book hotel rooms, or spend time in some other woman's space where I'm constantly reminded of her. I just don't think I'm capable of being *happy* in a relationship under those circumstances.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

My boy gets back tomorrow

I could use the cheer up - I've been feeling down lately. My sweetie dog has cancer, again, and this time it's in a place (on her ankle) where the vets don't think they can get it all surgically. Which is probably a moot point, since she's too old and frail for a big surgery anyway, just like she's not well enough for chemo or radiation. Which leaves us just hoping it grows slowly and doesn't spread, and that she has good times left.

It also leaves me feeling broke AF. Over a thousand bucks to figure out that there's nothing we can do, except spend more money on stuff to mitigate the symptoms and side effects of the tumor. Add that to her heart meds and arthritis meds and allergy meds (never mind heartworm and flea stuff that both dogs need!) and this old girl has prescription meds costing almost $500 a month

She's worth every penny. I mean, this is my baby girl. But shit I feel poor right now. And my husband just got a new tablet, and is going to be online preordering that damn iPhone x the minute he can, and I'm just not used to having to think about this stuff. I even bought food to cook for lunch tomorrow for Andy's parents, to save money by not going out - of course the ingredients for lunch for four ended up costing me $60 lol.

In poly news... Castle's wife will be in town with him for a week or two in October. I'm already freaking out about it. Every time I think about her being here, him going home to her every night, I feel like shit. It's those old "you're just a dumb slut and she gets the real relationship" feelings. Ugh. I know it's just brain worms and social conditioning, but it's still real feelings. I don't know how to be with someone who has a spouse/primary/nesting partner without feeling like crap, worrying that I'm just being used. It sucks.

 

[YouAreHere]

Hugs, GFT... I'm sorry to hear about your pup (but hope she has many more good days with you guys) and about all the stress. I'm glad to hear that you and Castle are doing well, and just hope for the best with all the upcoming changes.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

After three days of crazy hot marathon reunion sex, I can barely move but damn it's good to have Castle back. He came to see my dogs today and gave my sweet old lady lots of love - it's pretty cool to be dating a true dog person.

(She seems to be happy as ever, which makes me hope we will land on the better side of the "might be weeks, might be years" cancer bell curve.)

I am working on seeing the positives of him moving here - no more multi week separations!!! But shit the idea of his wife living here still bothers me.

I think maybe I'm just too damn competitive for poly Because right now, seeing him 4 - 5 days a week with one overnight seems wonderful. I'm happy with our time together. But - if his wife was here, and she was with him every day, sleeping in the same house six nights a week to my one? That gets me all upset!

It's not the absolute amount of time, or energy, or attention... It's how it compares to what someone else is getting. I can be 100% satisfied with something until someone else is getting more, and then, BOOM, I'm a mess. And that sucks. It really does. It's petty and immature and I wish I knew how to change feeling that way. The whole idea though of "it's not a competition"... I don't know how to believe that. I get that it's not a winner-take-all competition, but it still feels like somebody is ahead and the other is behind. And I hate hate hate losing. Grrrr stupid brain.

 

[Dagferi]

I get how you feel....

Probably why I prefer non nesting partnered poly or mono men. I am sure I sound horrible but I prefer not to deal with a metamour after several horrible experiences.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Yeah, I just bristle at the expectation that I will be eager to befriend some chick simply because she happens to be married to my boyfriend. Or worse, that I will kiss her ass and suck up to her in gratitude for her "letting" me date her husband.

And some of the things Castle has said make me worry about that. "Wifey will be ok as long as she feels primacy" and "Wifey will be fine once she realizes you're not a threat to our marriage"... Well, ok, cool. I'm not one to argue with having a spouse who's the primary partner, and I don't expect him to leave his wife. But I really hope he doesn't expect my help in reassuring her about those things! That's not my job, dude. Your marriage and however it works, that's your job.

I cannot comprehend the whole thing of metas having to talk shit through and work things out. In my wildest dreams I cannot imagine saying," hey, Steph, we need to chat about your relationship with Andy" Not my business. If I have an issue, it's with Andy, not Steph, because I have zero expectations of her and do not see us as owing each other anything. And that's me with a meta I really like and enjoy hanging out with occasionally.

Part of my stress is simply feeling like there has been ... Not a bait-and-switch, exactly, but there's potentially this really big change and Castle is assuming I'll just roll with it and be fine. While I'm thinking, dude, you know damn well that one of the reasons I initially dated you was that you didn't have a partner here in Texas. That was and has continued to be this huge factor in why I'm so happy in our relationship. Yes, now that I know him and love him, I'm willing to try things I wouldn't for a new guy. But I'm still me, I've still got my sticking points and boundaries. Being willing to try does not mean I'm going to be ok with this in the end.

Sometimes I still worry that makes me a shallow shitty person. Like, a good person would love her boyfriend sooooo much that she'd do anything to be with him, even do his wife's bidding and wait for weeks for him to have five free minutes for her. I'm just not that girl, though.

 

[Dagferi]

I feel the same way...

When Butch was dabbling in poly all the women assumed we would be suddenly bffs. Nope I do not want be friends with people I did not choose to be in my life. I am not going to put my nose in their relationship with Butch. I expect the same. I want nothing to do with a metamour.

 

[sexyserb]

Agree with Dagfari.

The problem you have Claire is if Castles wife moves to your location, one would assume unless she is totally on board with you spending this much alone time with him that your alone time will be measured and unless it is DADT when she moves there, she is going to have some input into your life even if you do not know her.

I think a lot of your unease in this whole poly thing is really because deep down you would rather that you and Andy were more sexually compatible, would rather that you had more alone time with him, and would rather that you were the only woman in his life. I think you would give it all up if you could snap your fingers and have those things. From what I see reading yours blog, your decision to open the relationship was ignited by an inability to work the above out and you have made it work, which is great.

I apologize if what I said irritates you. I'm struggling myself, also have a husband who is very successful career wise, which left me with a lot of alone time, so I believe I understand your frustration with Andy not providing you the time and fulfillment you desire.

I hope your relationships will continue to thrive once Castles wife moves, if she does. But I can't see you ever being her best buddy or hanging at her house like Castle has done at your house with Andy around.

Hope it all works out for you

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

Sooooo I sprained my ankle I was trying to carry my older dog (70 lbs) while holding the leash of the other one (90lbs) and slipped on some gravel, I think ... Honestly it's kind of blurry. But I went down HARD, managed to take the fall so the dog didn't get hurt, ended up with deep cuts on my knees and a swelling the size of a tennis ball on my ankle. Splint, crutches/knee scooter, and rest for at least two weeks. Crap.

I always thought sprains were kind of a wussy injury, the sort of "walk it off" thing only wimps did anything about. Um. Fuuuuuck no. Two days later I still can barely move my foot, the whole foot is swollen to twice it's size, and my heel is one giant black and blue mess.

Having two men in my life has been both a help and a headache. Castle was frustrated that he couldn't be there taking me to the hospital and helping the first day... And explaining the nuances of it to him -not easy. I'm two hours from you at the lake, I'm going to have whoever is with me take me to the hospital and bring me home, this isn't some Andy-over-you thing, it's just that he's here and he's plenty of support. Then Andy was upset that I seemed more grateful to Castle for helping here at home than to him, which I wasn't - just a classic case of me talking too damn much about one partner to the other. But, still, two people to help with errands, house stuff, driving me, dogs... Huge plus.

Anyway.

I think a lot of your unease in this whole poly thing is really because deep down you would rather that you and Andy were more sexually compatible, would rather that you had more alone time with him, and would rather that you were the only woman in his life. I think you would give it all up if you could snap your fingers and have those things. From what I see reading yours blog, your decision to open the relationship was ignited by an inability to work the above out and you have made it work, which is great.

I apologize if what I said irritates you. I'm struggling myself, also have a husband who is very successful career wise, which left me with a lot of alone time, so I believe I understand your frustration with Andy not providing you the time and fulfillment you desire.

Sexyserb, your post doesn't irritate me at all... A lot of it is absolutely spot on. I'd be happiest in a monogamous relationship where we both met all (or enough) of each other's sexual needs. It's hard for me to think of it as wishing Andy was a more compatible partner, because the Andy I love is a combination of all his facets, and one of them is his sexuality - so an Andy who was more in sync with me sexually wouldn't be the same Andy I love.

Would I want to be the only woman in Andy's life? Not really. One of the biggest parts of him, one of the parts I love, is his ability to be an amazing friend-boy to the women around him. But, if we started having intercourse again, I'd want to be each other's only sexual partners. Or at least, our only regular sexual partners. I was pretty happy with the "sexual monogamy, emotional poly" we had back in the day.

What's ironic is I kind of have that again, but with Castle as my monogamous sexual partner. I never asked him to not have sex with his wife (and never would) but since we started dating, they have stopped being sexual, and he says it's a relief for her. (There is a long backstory here that's not really any of my business so I won't go into it.)

But - if they lived together full time, I expect sex might happen SOMETIMES at least, and I don't know how I'd handle that. Anymore than I know how I'd handle what feels like a random woman having a say in my existing relationship with my boyfriend.

 

[Tinwen]

But - if they lived together full time, I expect sex might happen SOMETIMES at least, and I don't know how I'd handle that.

Consider not asking for THAT info? Like, assume sometimes they do, but it certainly wasn't now?

 

[icesong]

What's ironic is I kind of have that again, but with Castle as my monogamous sexual partner. I never asked him to not have sex with his wife (and never would) but since we started dating, they have stopped being sexual, and he says it's a relief for her. (There is a long backstory here that's not really any of my business so I won't go into it.)

But I thought you and Andy still had occasional (not exactly PIV sex but whatever - still filling that spot in your relationship)? Or is PIV just that different to you on an emotional level? (I totally agree, for what it's worth, that it's more satisfying on a physical level, haven't quite decided whether it's that emotionally different or not for me.)

 

[Tinwen]

Or is PIV just that different to you on an emotional level? (I totally agree, for what it's worth, that it's more satisfying on a physical level, haven't quite decided whether it's that emotionally different or not for me.)

Just to complete the picture, to me it's not that physically satisfying (to the point where I can easily go without), but it's totally emotionally different

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

It really is that different. I don't know why But I just do not think of manual play or even oral as "sex". It's... Foreplay? Making out?Fooling around? Hooking up? It's basically in the same mental category for me as French kissing and breast play. (I have no idea how to categorize anal, because I've never done it with anyone I wasn't already having tons of PIV sex with, and because I have never physically liked it.)

Like when I think of my "number", that's PIV partners. The number for oral is probably double that, but I've never bothered to keep track, because giving some dude a blow job doesn't feel like real sex to me if we never progress to intercourse. I could probably be a "soft swap" swinger or do plenty of stuff at sex parties, tbh. There have been a few times I have hooked up with a guy and gotten each other off and never seen him again, and it was just whatever to me. I don't do it on purpose because I don't see any point, but it doesn't get to me.

While PIV - sex - is just this completely different thing. This huge, meaningful, emotional, overwhelming thing that affects me in crazy ways, both physically and mentally. I would say every person I've been with in that way has changed me forever and is somehow an inescapable part of who I am, for better or worse.

So with Andy, it's confusing. I would say we haven't had sex in years. I don't know if he'd use the word sex to describe what we do (he usually says "play") but he thinks of us as having some level of sexual connection.

Since I started seeing Castle, I've stopped the "Andy doing things for me" side of our play, because I don't need it. (Either sex-drive-wise or to feel close to Andy, it didn't do anything to make me feel closer to him.) I am still cool with doing kinky play for him, I'm happy to do anything with him that's fun for him, in or out of the bedroom. But it's enjoyable for me simply as time together and touch, same as cuddling or a back rub.

Interestingly, Castle is similar to me, PIV is the ultimate for him. I've gone down on him tons but he's never finished in my mouth, because for him that's nowhere near finishing inside me (he said once it feels like a waste of an orgasm). We can spend an hour with him just inside me, not even moving much, just being joined, and -damn- for me that is the most intimate thing ever. We really are so perfect in bed that it's almost creepy.

 

[PinkPig]

I totally get the 'manual and oral are not sex' thing. There's definitely a hierarchy to sexual activities for me. Manual or giving bjs doesn't carry any emotional attachment or significance for me. Receiving oral, PIV and PIA are all very emotional for me and casual does not work. Ironically, I assumed since giving men oral is similar to kissing for me, that giving women oral would be the same, but alas, it is not. It feels very intimate to me and carries the same significance as receiving oral or penetrative sex. The one time I tried to do it without an emotional attachment, it felt awkward and uncomfortable. I always find it fascinating how differently we are all wired in regards to sex.

I'm glad you've found someone who clicks for you, Claire. I agree with Tinwen, I'd assume they have sex occasionally and just ask no details.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

I think you guys are right, and a little DADT around spousal sex is probably our best bet. It's what we originally agreed on, actually. since Castle's wife is not seeing anyone else (and hasn't since they got married), and Andy and I don't do anything involving fluid exchange, it's fine to just accept that sex with spouses might happen and doesn't need to be discussed. But, we've gotten ... Sloppy, I guess.

We indulge the "all yours" sexy talk and complain about being horny and sex deprived when we're apart for more than a few days. It's all well and good to talk about it when we both get to hear what we want to hear, that we're crazy in lust and don't want anyone else. It becomes problematic when one of us says "my body is all yours" and the other is like "um well yeah mine is sort of joint custody these days"

But we will figure it out. In the grand scheme of worries, it falls far below "will Castle's wife expect us to cut back our time together?" and " oh fuck please don't let her expect us to be BFFs".

So the one silver lining of this damn sprained ankle is that I'm home all week and Castle is my "babysitter". I don't have the greatest track record when it comes to following doctors orders and resting and Andy and K both have to work, so it has fallen to Castle to keep me from trying to remodel the bathroom or wash the windows. Which means spending all day every day together.

And it's really fucking awesome. I always thought Andy was the only person in the universe I could live with and not murder, but Castle ... He's just so easy to be around. I don't get annoyed with him or tired of him. He says the same about me and I think he's as surprised as I am to discover how well we fit as a couple.

 

[GirlFromTexlahoma]

It's so interesting how different people feel intimacy. How random things affect us and how close or distant we feel.

Andy has been in a funk the past couple of days, doing some poor-me stuff about Castle getting more time with me. Which annoyed me, honestly, because Castle is being a HUGE help. (Today he took the dogs to the dog park and scooped a weeks worth of poop from the backyard. Not exactly all day sexy times.)

I couldn't figure out wtf was up with Andy, until he said something about us not even sleeping in the same bed... Ahhh. Then I got it. I've been sleeping downstairs since I hurt my ankle, because it's overwhelming to do the stairs first thing in the morning (or at 3 am when one of the dogs needs to go out ). Andy always gets weird when we are in the same house but sleep apart. It feels like rejection to him, like a symbolic gesture, like something must be so terribly wrong in our marriage.

While to me, it's just convenience. I would generally rather sleep with a partner, but when I'm hurt, or sick, or the bedroom is too hot/cold, I'm fine with separate beds. So, we talked, I'm going to try upstairs in our bed tonight, because I know it is a really big deal to him.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think it's a seldom discussed issue how often married/partnered couples sleep apart, even those in good relationships.

Quite often it's because of a health issue, or snoring. Also quite often it happens when we have restless babies or toddlers who want to sleep with mom and there's no room in the bed for more than 2 adults, or one dad is a light sleeper, or needs his rest to get up early for work, etc.

It's a shame Andy takes it so personally, even when it's merely temporary!

I can understand his jealousy around Castle being there often to nurse you and do household work, but otoh he could just be grateful you're being well cared for! I can put myself in his place and understand how he might have both feelings at once to navigate.