It's like being in the closet..


New member
Hi, I'm Kat.. and I think I'm Poly.

For years I've struggled with loving the one I'm with, but feeling emotionally connected to others. After my husband and I divorced, I met my fiance and we discussed having an open relationship. This sounded great to him at the time because the relationship was still new and to him, the thought of being able to have sex with whomever was just wonderful. As time went by (6 months), the idea of me with other men no longer sat well with him.

Here we are, 4 years later, and about a year or two ago and again right before this deployment (yes, I'm military and currently deployed), he and I were talking about if we had distance between us and alternatives to going without sex. I told him to feel free.. he told me he's not comfortable with me doing the same.. and I (while trying to ease into the conversation of an open relationship) told him that if he was seeing another girl and caught feelings for her, I would be okay with that as long as those feelings didn't interfere with his feelings for me. We talked about it and I said the only difficult part would be trying to hide it from the kids or explain to them why daddy has a wife and a girlfriend at the breakfast table. At the same time, I fantasized about he and I with our significant others and how happy we would be. None of this sits well with him, and I don't know how to tell him what's going on in my head because when I try to lead up to it, it turns into, "I would never want anyone but you and I hope you don't want anyone but me, and if you want someone else, then that means I'm not enough for you".. then I back down and tell him he's more than enough. Which he is, sexually and emotionally. There's no short-comings on his end.. I just have this feeling in me.......

Never having heard the term "polyamorous" until a week ago, and finding some interesting information after googling 'coming to terms with monogamy'... I think I might have just found myself.
I'm really glad you wrote about what it's like to want to be free, and at the same time loving your partner so much you suppress parts of yourself. You made me realize that the things I have been asking of my BF, who is poly-minded, are wrong. He is poly, nothing can change that. It's in his blood.
Sounds familiar!

I totally get your story, hon. It's funny, too; when you finally get the epiphany that it really IS possible to really love more than one person at a time. We are so conditioned to believe that lie. It's like one of those visual puzzles where you stare for a while before you see the picture -- then it becomes so obvious you wonder how you ever missed it!