Jealousy and change

I have not dealt too much with feeling jealousy but recently I think that may be what I am experiencing. In the past when I have felt insecure it has manifested in more sadness or self worth issues than issues with a metamour or potential metamour.

I first tried to write this post leaving out the Kink aspects and relating them to Vanilla terminology however since relationship dynamics seem to be the core of this issue, I was unable to. I just found it difficult to explain without those details. However I think that a lot of it is understandable to many people and relationship types since the core issue is really dealing with jealousy and change.

The situation:

My bf of three months, Jason, and I are currently long distance. He is currently living with his primary, Beni, a few states away. We are all kinky and power exchange is a big part of all of our relationships. Jason is my Dominant. Jason is also a switch. In the past he identified his relationship with Beni as Master (him) /Slave (her). Occasionally they would swap roles in the bedroom, but outside of that their dynamic was what it was.

Recently his dynamic with his partner is changing. He and Beni are switching more often and switching outside of the bedroom. About 50% of the time she is his Miss now, and he is her submissive.

As such there are times when I communicate with him that he is acting as her submissive. Hearing him call her "Miss" and have him be in that submissive head space is very disorienting to me as his submissive. It makes me feel very disconnected to him, and like our dynamic is abandoned.

I know that this is part of who he is and I cannot and do not want to change that. But I do not know how to deal with these feelings, or how to talk about them with him. I do not want him to feel that I do not respect him, or that I do not accept him.

I am struggling with this change. I have identified my feelings as the following:

  • 30% Fear
    Fear of abandonment, not so much of the relationship on a whole, but rather abandonment of our dynamic, abandonment of me as his submissive. Fear of change in our dynamic.​
  • 20% Sadness
    I am not quite sure why I feel sad. I just know that I feel sad.​
  • 25% Loneliness
    I miss him. We are in a LDR. I will not get to see him for another month. Then I get to see him for a week. Then I will not get to see him for another 3 months. Beni gets to see him all the time, well at least for another month, then they will be LDR again too.

    Also i feel loneliness in that I am without him as my dominate partner.
  • 10% Powerlessness
    Switching is a part of his personality. There is nothing I can do to stop him from discovering this part of himself. Hell, I want him too. I know this makes him happy. But I feel powerless in how it will affect my relationship with him.​
  • 10% Betrayal
    The relationship we consented and negotiated is at times not present.​
  • 5% Disorientation
    I this confusing and uncomfortable. Furthermore I find expressing these feelings difficult.

I just don't really know what to do..... I do not want to feel this way.
 
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KC43

New member
The betrayal aspect is something you absolutely should address with Jason somehow. If *his* behavior has broken agreements you and he have made, this is something he needs to be aware of so he can explain and/or make amends and/or renegotiate those agreements.

As for the rest...

Jason's relationship with Beni is NOT Jason's relationship with you. I understand that it's not easy to separate them, since Jason's a common factor. But who he is with you is not the same person as who he is with Beni. His choice to submit to Beni doesn't make him any less dominant, and doesn't mean he's no longer able or willing to dominate you. Different partner, different dynamics.

He might enjoy submitting to Beni, but that doesn't mean he's going to abandon dominating you. You and Beni are not the same person. You fulfill needs and desires for him that Beni does not, and Beni fulfills needs and desires for him that you do not. That doesn't mean you or Beni are lacking anything as far as Jason's concerned; it just means that you're different people. That's why poly is a thing; no one person can be--or should expect to be--everything for someone else.

You definitely DO have power in how this affects your relationship with him. Feelings happen; you feel however you feel, and that's okay. And we don't always have power over our FEELINGS. But we have absolute power over our THOUGHTS and ACTIONS. You have the power to think "Beni and I are different people, and what Jason does with Beni doesn't change what he wants from me." Or, "Beni and I are different people, and Jason's relationship with Beni is none of my business."

You have the power to say "I'm a valid person outside of this relationship, and that means I'm valid person in it."

You have the power to choose to express these fears and concerns to Jason, even if it seems difficult. You have the power to tell yourself that you deserve to have those fears and concerns heard and acknowledged. You even have the power to say "I didn't sign up to be dominated by someone else's submissive, so I'm finding a new Dom" if that's what it takes for your happiness.

Loneliness is tough, no question. I'm assuming you and Jason keep in touch between visits. Is there a way he could dominate you during those conversations, so that you're still feeling what you feel when he dominates you in person? You don't say what BDSM aspects are present in your relationship, so it's hard to guess whether it's something that can be done long-distance (for example, service or following his orders) or something that has to be in person (bondage, pain play, etc.)

The biggest problem I see in your post is that you seem to be comparing yourself to Beni, and comparing your relationship with Jason to Beni's relationship with Jason. Work on not comparing. You're you; she's her. Jason obviously cares for each of you, or he wouldn't be in relationships with each of you. Try to see your relationship with Jason as its own entity, rather than as something that doesn't measure up to another relationship.

And absolutely, one hundred percent stop comparing yourself to Beni and see yourself as the person Jason clearly sees or he wouldn't have chosen to be in a relationship with you in the first place.
 
Hi KC43. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post.

It's not his relationship with Beni that is causing these feelings for me. It's how the change in their relationship has affected him. And by extension how he is acting differently with me.

Also we hang out the three of us over Skype relatively often. And she will be there the whole time I am staying there. She is really nice and we get along pretty well. We have had a few threesomes in the past that went well. So its also the trio dynamic that I'm worried will be quite different....

Most of the time it's not an issue at all. Which is why I took a while for me to recognize these feelings.

However sometimes when we communicate, he is in a more submissive headspace and that makes it hard for me to interact the way we normally do, becuase he is acting differently. So far it's been very subtle things. But I have noticed it makes me feel the feelings I talked about.

I guess then my choice is interact differently or don't interact....

We do mangae to keep D/s up dispite the long distance. But that's is why when he acts submissive around me it throws me for a loop. I'm left feeling like my Sir is taking vacation for a few hours... It's somewhat disorienting. And that's where the feelings of betrayal come into play.


I find it interesting that you interpreted that I was comparing myself to her. Can you explain where you saw that? I don't really think that's what's going on. Me and her a very different people. And our relationship with Jason is very different. I guess some of that is I feel some pressure to be like her. In the past he has approached me about switching or playing the three of us which him as a submissive. I feel some pressure to be similar to her and to say yes. But I have made it clear to him that I have no interest in that and he has respected that wish and not asked that of me again.


You suggested in your post that i should talk to him about some of this. Do you have any suggestions for how to bring up the topic? And how to talk about in a way without making him feel like he has to hide this side of himself from me.
 

KC43

New member
You said "Beni gets to see him all the time." That implies you're comparing the amount of her time with him to the amount of your time; that's a comparison of you to her. You also said, in the same paragraph where you ask why I got the idea that you were comparing yourself to her, that you've felt pressured in the past to be like her. That's also a comparison.

As for bringing it up with Jason, I don't know what your usual communication style with him is when it comes to relationship issues. Personally, I would just throw it out there: "I'm happy that you've been able to explore your submissive side with Beni, but it's a problem for me when you show that side around me. I'm used to you being my Sir. When you're submissive around me, even if you aren't being submissive *to* me, it confuses me. It also makes me worried that you won't or can't be my Sir anymore. I'd appreciate it if you could try to avoid the submissive headspace and avoid acting submissive with Beni in front of me. If you can't do that, can you at least reassure me that you're still willing to be my Sir, and that you are still able to be dominant to me?"
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Jay,

It looks like you have examined your feeling pretty thoroughly. One question I have is, do you trust Jason? Will he value and protect his relationship with you?

I also noticed that the long-distance part of the relationship is hard for you. Will you always be long-distance? Will you eventually move so that you're living close together? Do you have a plan for that?

I would hope that you guys could negotiate a compromise where Jason will be Dominant during your Skype sessions, or at least, during part of them.

Does that help at all?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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