Hi all,
I dip in and out of this forum, really want to stick around more.
Anyway, I'm in a relationship with Sagan (m, 36), who is married to Rice (35, f). It's both my and Sagan's first time being actively poly despite both identifying as such for many years and struggling in monogamous relationships. Rice struggled a lot with feeling jealous at the start but she has overcome it and she and I get on well now.
Although it seems to be generally frowned upon, I find that I need to approach the relationship as a hierarchy. Rice is 'above' me and her needs are more important than mine. It may sound unhealthy but it's the only way I can live with him needing her permission to see me, and the way she very occasionally texts him during our dates, demanding he come home immediately, and he drops everything to go and be with her. As long as I consider her to be the primary and myself secondary, I don't feel hard done by in those situations and I don't feel jealous when I think of them living together, having sex, the emotional bond they have etc.
But lately they've been having problems and are currently on a trial separation. I'm very sad that it's happening and I hope with all my heart that they work it out. But it's messing with the hierarchy that was keeping me safe in my head, because now that they're no longer living together and they have set restrictions on how often they will meet up, I see him more often than she does and he no longer has to check with her as part of the process of he and I making plans. I obviously don't consider myself his 'primary' or anything, but it does mean that that safe place beneath her in the ranks isn't there anymore.
Now, I very recently joined fetlife. They've both been on it for a good while now. And because I'm an idiot, I went lurking through her writings. I don't know what I expected to find but of course I found a veeerry detailed description of the sex they had had on their last anniversary. Hotel, four poster bed, champagne, strawberries, restraints, hot tubs... awesome! And I feel like throwing up
. I want to just feel happy for them both that they had an amazing time, but I just feel jealous and sick and the mental images are burning.
I'm still very much a newbie to all this so I'd be grateful for anyone's thoughts on how I can handle this situation. I feel ashamed of feeling jealous. But I feel jealous. At least I think that's what this hot, nauseous feeling is!
All the best!
I dip in and out of this forum, really want to stick around more.
Anyway, I'm in a relationship with Sagan (m, 36), who is married to Rice (35, f). It's both my and Sagan's first time being actively poly despite both identifying as such for many years and struggling in monogamous relationships. Rice struggled a lot with feeling jealous at the start but she has overcome it and she and I get on well now.
Although it seems to be generally frowned upon, I find that I need to approach the relationship as a hierarchy. Rice is 'above' me and her needs are more important than mine. It may sound unhealthy but it's the only way I can live with him needing her permission to see me, and the way she very occasionally texts him during our dates, demanding he come home immediately, and he drops everything to go and be with her. As long as I consider her to be the primary and myself secondary, I don't feel hard done by in those situations and I don't feel jealous when I think of them living together, having sex, the emotional bond they have etc.
But lately they've been having problems and are currently on a trial separation. I'm very sad that it's happening and I hope with all my heart that they work it out. But it's messing with the hierarchy that was keeping me safe in my head, because now that they're no longer living together and they have set restrictions on how often they will meet up, I see him more often than she does and he no longer has to check with her as part of the process of he and I making plans. I obviously don't consider myself his 'primary' or anything, but it does mean that that safe place beneath her in the ranks isn't there anymore.
Now, I very recently joined fetlife. They've both been on it for a good while now. And because I'm an idiot, I went lurking through her writings. I don't know what I expected to find but of course I found a veeerry detailed description of the sex they had had on their last anniversary. Hotel, four poster bed, champagne, strawberries, restraints, hot tubs... awesome! And I feel like throwing up
. I want to just feel happy for them both that they had an amazing time, but I just feel jealous and sick and the mental images are burning.I'm still very much a newbie to all this so I'd be grateful for anyone's thoughts on how I can handle this situation. I feel ashamed of feeling jealous. But I feel jealous. At least I think that's what this hot, nauseous feeling is!
All the best!
