Jealousy in Social Situations

G

glowinthedarkstars

New member
Hey, it's been a while since I have been on here! I am Glow. I have been in a relationship with polyamorous man, P, for about 7 or 8 months now. I have some question regarding interactions during social situations, how I should behave, etc.

P has fooled around with a few girls (making out, having sex, flirting a lot, etc.), over these 8 months, always at parties that we both attend. It has been an uphill battle for me, because while jealousy occurs at times, it isn't really the main problem for me. When I see P making out with other girls. a feel a sudden urge to walk away, turn away or look around for someone I know. (Sometimes this means roaming aimlessly around parties alone.) I have social anxiety so this is not foreign to me.

I respect P and want to allow him his space. I struggle with the feeling that when he is occupied by someone else, I suddenly feel a pressure to do the same. I don't think this is to distract myself (it could be, though). It is certainly not to spite him, or to "even out the playing field", but simply because I feel really awkward and maybe even a little anxious. I feel anxious typically in social situations, but I feel my anxiety spike when I am walking around a party and I see P kissing or flirting with a girl. I get this feeling of being unsure of what to do with myself.

I once saw something stunning. I saw P watching a girl who he was head over heels about at the time, I noticed she was kissing another man. When P saw this, he turned away and started flirting with a girl a few feet in the opposite direction. As I witnessed this I began to question if people become poly to distract themselves from jealousy.

What do you think of this? Is it normal to experience this?

Thanks loves,
Glow
 
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Hi, Glow. Welcome back. Great to see you again.

What you're describing (feelings) aren't really unique to polyamory, just maybe amplified, or emphasized.

It's great that you noticed the exact discomfort in him, because it's natural.

It's really just about the pairing in a situation like this. There's a certain something in our brain that leads us to believe that if we arrive somewhere with someone, that we will be interacting as a pair. Of course, we all know that in a social situation that may or may not be the case. So when inevitably the pair gets separated and one has an interaction going and the other doesn't - bingo - the brain doesn't know how to compute this. Seems to be breaking its own rule.

Some possible solutions? Well, you already noted one. Don't inject yourself into what's happening between another pairing. Just move on and see what develops yourself.

Another is to just sit back, observe, and above all, keep a big smile on your face! If it's close enough quarters and he notices you he may well call you over to introduce you! "Hey, X, this is my girlfriend, Glow," and an interesting dynamic may come out there. <wicked grin>.

But better yet, this is a great conversation for you and P to get into. Just a conversation about how a natural discomfort comes up when either of you end up odd-person-out. A good team would have a plan going in how to handle this in a better way than everyone for themselves. Maybe you guys can come up with such a plan.

It's hard, because every situation is unique. If an intense make-out session is in progress, you obviously don't want to interrupt that. If it's just a conversation happening, it may be fine to just wander in and introduce yourself.

If you two are attending parties, and meeting others is the plan, and it's a party including people who are not poly-aware or poly-friendly, it's not a pretty situation. Seems you'd almost have to go as singles, which I don't get the impression is part of your plan.

P is really putting himself in a delicate situation if he's hitting on other girls before acknowledging that he already has one GF (or more). He's liable to get his face slapped if the truth comes out, especially if he's representing himself as 'available' when in fact that's only partially true.

Good luck, Glow.
 
I think poly people behave many different ways in social situations. Some are very comfortable hanging out with their lover's lovers. Some don't feel that way and choose to do something else. I think you should do that which makes you the most comfortable.

I sometimes start to second guess myself at parties. When that happens, I tend to overly analyze everything. When I see myself start to do that, i try to break out of it by going and doing something I haven't done before. I figure if I am in that state of mind, I should at least do something original so I can think about it later.
 
You don't HAVE to go to ALL those parties if you don't want to. I have a mild to moderate case of social anxiety too, and once I finally admitted to myself that I have a better time staying home, I have since been able to relax more when I DO go out (which admittedly is not as often as most people i know). However, I do not have the issue of my husband flirting/fooling around with random women, so I can see why you might want to go to keep yourself up to speed on his adventures. As long as you get something positive out of doing that, I guess it's about whatever works for you.
 
Considering that when I get jealous it is usually about an unmet need, it would make sense to me that he would turn and flirt with someone else. He wanted to kiss her, so tried to find that in someone else... Do you think that when you feel like you do when you see him kissing others at a party it is because you have an unmet need in some way?
 
GroundedSpirit said:
Your aren't really unique to polyamory, just maybe amplified or emphasized. It's great that you noticed the exact discomfort in him, cecause it's natural.

It's really just about the pairing in a situation like this. Something in our brain leads us to believe that if we arrive somewhere with someone, that we will be interacting as a pair. That may or may not be the case all the time. When the pair gets separated and one has an interaction going and the other doesn't - bingo - the brain doesn't know how to compute this. Seems to be breaking its own rule.

Don't inject yourself into what's happening between another pairing. Just move on and see what develops yourself.

Just sit back, observe, and keep a big smile on your face. If it's close enough quarters and he notices you he may well call you over to introduce you. And an interesting dynamic may come out there. <wicked grin>
But better yet, this is a great conversation for you and P to get into. Just a conversation about how a natural discomfort comes up when either of you end up odd-person-out. A good team would have a plan going in how to handle this in a better way than everyone for themselves. Maybe you guys can come up with such a plan.
It's hard because every situation is unique. If an intense make-out session is in progress, you obviously don't want to interrupt that. If it's just a conversation happening, it may be fine to just wander in and introduce yourself.

If you two are attending parties and meeting others is a plan, and it's a party including people who are not poly aware or poly-friendly, it's not a pretty situation. Seems you almost have to go as singles, which I don't get the impression is part of your plan.

P is really putting himself in a delicate situation if he's hitting on other girls before acknowledging that he already has one GF (or more). He's liable to get his face slapped if the truth comes out, especially if he's representing himself as available when in fact that's only partially true.
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Ah, this makes so much sense. Thanks for the lesson on processing. Pairing is a unique and interesting concept.

We go to a lot of parties, yes, almost as singles, it seems. I love parties, but this is challenging! P expects me to to flirt and get to know others with the same ease as his, but for me it's a struggle. I am learning though, by being pushed out of my comfort zone. I am having more troublesome times at parties than not.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. It's great to get some insight.
 
glowinthedarkstars said:
We go to a lot of parties, yesm almost as singles, it seems. I love parties but this is challenging. P expects me to to flirt and get to know others with the same ease as his but for me its a struggle. I am learning though by being pushed out of my comfort zone. I am having more troublesome times at parties than not.
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So, as Ygirl said, you don't HAVE to go to all these parties. And you certainly don't have to go to one just because someone else expects you to.

It's a good thing to have our comfort zone stretched on occasion, but there's a balance there too. Too much and it's not stretching, it's punishing. Little good comes from that.

Also, not everyone is cut out to be a social butterfly. It's just not in their nature. There's a difference between being able to comfortably navigate social obligations and seeking them like some vital life force. Embrace who you really are. That's who you will spend the rest of your life living with, preferably loving yourself the whole time.

Remember, it's nothing more than a cultural thing. In the long term, it has little meaning or importance. Right now the party culture is close to you. It's good practice for developing certain skills, nothing more. When it gets to a point you are suffering more than you are gaining, it's time for a second look at what you could be doing with your time/life.
 
Maybe your jealousy comes from the realization that you are not like him and wish you could be, or that you would've preferred to stay at home, or that you seem to go as singles when you go out, and would rather have had the opportunity to be together when socializing.

Just some thoughts.
 
I love going to parties. I love to dance. I love the crowd we associate with. But at the same time, I still struggle to be social. I am always very excited to go out, and wouldn't stay at home, but some nights there are conflicts, or by the end of the evening I feel that my night wasn't everything I expected it to be. I wish I didn't feel so alone. It's a skill I want to develop, being social. I don't think staying at home is going to help anything. I'd probably just sit at home wanting to be out. :confused:

P is very social. Everyone knows him; he knows everyone. Girls hit on him constantly. He is constantly "getting distracted." He'll tell me, "Hold on one second. I'll be right back," or, "I see someone I know," and I end up running into him hours later.

He used tell me to "Go meet people," but that left me feeling bad and we talked about it. It's not easy for me to meet people. I have gotten a lot better, but it's still a struggle. I think in the future if I brought a friend along that could help me. A lot of people tend to hang out at parties in semi-groups or pairs.
 
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glowinthedarkstars said:
P is very social, everyone knows him... He is constantly getting distracted. I end up running into him hours later. He used tell me to "Go meet people," but that left me feeling bad. It's not easy for me to meet people.
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Look, I'm sorry, but I just have to call this out. For starters, my instinct tells me that what you see as a relationship here, and what P sees are possibly quite different. I suspect he likes you, cares about you, likes being with you, when it fits HIS needs. I don't like that.

I think he wants to help you because you are so nice. And other reasons. :) But I do suspect if I (or any other outside person) could ask him how he saw this relationship with you, the response might be quite different than what I sense coming from you.

Now, that being said, personally, I could easily come down on this as being cruel. I don't like it. P knows your insecurities. He knows you are struggling and uncomfortable in these situations, and yet he continues to toss you to the wolves, so to speak. Now maybe he wants to paint that as 'helping' you. In some ways, it is. And sometimes that's necessary-- but not all the time!

A lot could be learned here by trying to get some commitment from him to attend some event or party and navigate it as a pair. Try to get some balanced flow going about swimming on your own sometimes and having the life jacket on other times. If he can't at least do that then I suggest you take a hard look at what's going on here. If I thought you were just being used-- not good! More likely I just suspect he's unaware and inconsiderate.

You could take the controls here now.
 
I tend to agree with what GS just posted... Throughout your time on this forum I've had the sense from your posts that that P has you there to boost his ego, and to feel as though if he can't pick up anything newer or more interesting, you'll be there at the end to go home with.

If it was working out for you the same way as it is working out for him, I would think that this is a mutually acceptable arrangement, but it's obvious that you do not get the same thrill out of this routine as he does. It doesn't sound from your stories like he wants to change, especially since things have been going the way he prefers them to for all this time. He sounds like one of "those" guys who says "This is the way I am. If you want to be with me, you have to accept me for who I am," which is euphemism for "I'm gonna do what I feel like doing and if you don't like it you don't have to watch."
 
Welcome back, Glow! I think I remember you from when I just started posting here, saw your signature tag and thought "Hey cool, haven't seen her in a while!" Now I know why, busy with a new relationship! mrrow!! :D

I've felt exactly the same way. My husband (then-boyfriend) and I used to go to fetish events. He would get into the dungeon, and he was pretty much a revolving door of playtime. The first time, I got really pissed off. I wanted him to come find me in between playmates, spend a couple minutes with me, before running off again. I felt that was a fair request.

The "pairing" thing that GS spoke of sounds dead-on. I would see him with someone, and would try to keep myself busy until he was done. But then when I would go back to see if he was done, there was another girl with him! So he had finished with one person, and then got started with someone else. Seemed like the only way I could get my time in was by sitting there waiting for them, but then I felt like a lonely puppy hanging off him. Seemed like the only alternative was to avoid him the whole night, and then I wondered why we were there "together" in the first place.

His excuse was that as soon as he was finished with one girl, there was already another one standing there asking him if they could play. I said, Well, that's all fine and good, but if they want you that bad, they'll gladly wait 5 minutes when you say, "Sure, I'd love to play with you, but I just have to go find my girlfriend. Then I'll be back."

Eventually, I realized that there wasn't really anything for me at those events. I enjoy the voyeuristic aspect, but only for a while, and then I get bored. Other than that, it's just like going to a loud party where everyone is half-naked with a lot of leather and steel. So I told him, "I don't mind at all if you want to go to those parties and play with as many girls as you want. I just don't feel like being there."

Then he felt guilty about going without me and stopped going, which was not my intention. I've tried to encourage him to go, but he keeps saying it would feel weird to be there without me. I tell him, well it feels weird for me to be there WITH you, so it's a no-win.

Then we moved to Saskatchewan, which completely eliminated that issue -- no fetish parties to attend/avoid :/
 
SchrodingersCat said:
WB Glow! I think I remember you from when I just started posting here, saw your signature tag and thought "hey cool, haven't seen her in a while!" ... now I know why, busy with a new relationship! mrrow!! :D
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I think this is still the same relationship. Glow just joined last November, and it says she's been with P for 7 or 8 months.
 
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I don't have much advice except for suggesting to openly communicate about your feelings. I didn't want to reveal insecurity, and would hold things like this in. I still do once in a while. It was not wise. I ended up making mistakes.

You are not alone. I also have mild social anxiety. Also, I'm poly, but the woman that I'm dating is my only partner. Social outings with larger groups or large parties are the worst for me, unless it is our date night. Then, I feel that it is OK for me to spend most of my time with her at the party. If it is not my date night with her I have a hard time feeling comfortable and at ease in the setting.
 
Hey, everyone. I've been lurking, but finally have time to sit down and post again. P and I are doing well. I have actually developed new significant relationships with others. It makes parties easier, actually, when I have a buddy or a date to go with (even if I'm "going to" the party w P). Your advice has been so helpful. P and I had our 1-year anniversary a couple of weeks ago. He is proud of himself, as am I. :D
 
glowinthedarkstars said:
Hey, everyone I've been lurking, but finally have time to sit down and post again. P and I are doing well. I have actually developed new significant relationships with others. It makes parties easier when I have a buddy or a date to go with (even if I'm "going to" the party w P). Your advice has been so helpful. P and I had our 1-year anniversary a couple of weeks ago. He is proud of himself, as am I.
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That's awesome news. Thanks for catching us up! :D
 
Wow! It's nice to hear someone talk about these issues. I don't have exactly the same situation going. My boyfriend isn't really a flirt and when we hang out socially with his other girlfriend, she doesn't like PDA. what I do connect with is that flash of jealousy I feel when they look at each other a certain way and it makes me all of a sudden feel completely alone even though I'm out with people.

Mostly I think it stems from my own social anxiety. I used to drink pretty heavily and was always the loud, social party girl. Then I quit drinking two years ago, and all of a sudden, I'm a socially anxious wallflower. What gives?

Just wanted to say that I feel your pain, and also the urge to immediately find someone to connect with when my man is more connected with his other girl. or with people in general.

I also wanted to thank Redpepper for pointing out that these anxieties are usually just needs in myself that haven't been met or that I haven't been giving enough attention to. Amen to that!
 
Fayerweather said:
I wanted to thank Redpepper for pointing out that these anxieties are usually just needs in myself that haven't been met or that I haven't been giving enough attention to. Amen to that!
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Agreed. Thanks, Redpepper. I realize as well that a lot of these things are my personal needs.

I can totally relate to what you are going through, Fayerweather.
 
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