Just Venting...and maybe looking for advice

rws0042

New member
I'm 41 y.o. married woman, with a boyfriend, K, of about 18 months. We've been friends for years, and I'm friends with his wife, too. 3 or so times a month we have a night where my husband is out and K. can come over for some "us" time. We also go out upon occasion. K's wife, M., has another partner who lives in another country, but he comes to visit once or twice a year and stays with them for 6+ weeks. So far, things have been really good.
Recently, there have been a couple of incidents where it really feels like M. resents K's relationship with me. (Even though she was the one who suggested the two of us start dating in the first place.) Just little things, really. Like tonight.
Tonight was one of our nights together. We missed last weekend, and won't see each other for two weeks due to vacation schedules. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, I know. But about an hour into our evening, she calls him to find out if he can come join her at the bar where she is with friends, having a great time. She'd like him to drive her home. So we wrapped up early and off he went.
I told him I knew he had to leave, but I was sad he had to cut the evening short. I know he feels torn and I feel resentful and pissed. And my facebook feed is full of pictures from all the happy people at the bar (I can't go -- we have kids at home and an adult has to be here). So she gets to have a great time and he has to come running even though it's one of the few hours of the month we get to spend together.
I'm angry for him, angry for me. And at the same time, I want to be able to brush it off because it shouldn't matter.
Do I just let it go? Do I tell him how upset I really am?
Or is this just karma coming back to bite me? A few weeks ago I did something inconsiderate that really hurt and frustrated my husband and I felt awful about it. I did everything I could to make it up to him, but maybe karma just needed to give me a good bitch-slap about it, just to be sure?
Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to comment if you like.
 

london

Banned
I think you have every right to be upset with him and her. I'd want a frank conversation about her issues, your boundaries and how their relationship is beginning to impede on yours.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
It depends upon what the terms are that you agreed to for your relationship with him.
As we have no idea what those terms are, no one can really say if you have grounds to be upset or not.
 

rws0042

New member
That's a good question. I just wrote to him to tell him how I felt and part of it was saying that we needed to define some boundaries. We never really have sat down and said "this is acceptable," "this is not" beyond saying we would always treat one another with basic decency. To me, having your primary call up and say "I want you to come be on a date with me so I can get drunk even though you're on a date with someone else" is beyond the bounds of decency. I would not do that to my husband. He wouldn't do it to me. I don't think K would do that to his wife if she were on a scheduled date with her other partner, be it real or virtual. So why is it okay to do it to me?
It definitely is something we need to discuss.
And, if it turns out that his rule is going to be "M. can call me away at any time for any reason and I will break dates for her no matter what." then he can go have that rule with someone else, because I can't be treated that way.
I understand emergencies and that sometimes important things come up, but "I want to get drunk so you need to leave her and come to me" is not one of them.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
Like LR said depends on how your relationship is set up.

In mine that crap wouldn't go over to well. My husband knows unless one of the kids is really hurt or sick. Do not call unless someone has died or dying. I do not invade on his time away I expect the same.

Yes say something but don't do it in a worked up moment. After you have a chance to think about things calmly bring it up. Not via text or email either. Face to face.
 

sparklepop

New member
Ok, so let's try to break it down...

You get around 3 nights a month to be alone, or go out, with K.

Do you see him only at these times, or do you have any other time? What's the time like outside of physically seeing each other? For example, my girlfriend and I only see each other every 3-6 months, because we are in separate countries. But we spend 5+ hours a day on Skype. This was a struggle for GF's husband. How much time are you and K investing in each other? Is there anything that springs out at you in terms of a reason why M might resent the relationship?

K's wife, M., has another partner who lives in another country, but he comes to visit once or twice a year and stays with them for 6+ weeks.

I'm curious about why you added this. Do you subconsciously feel that M is being selfish, because *her* boyfriend comes to stay for 6+ weeks - yet she can't spare K for more than 3 nights a month?

If so, poly isn't necessarily about 'fair and equal'. It's about practical, compatible, comfortable and agreed.

Her boyfriend:
Practical - plane tickets cost money; lengthier stays make sense
Compatible - M and boyfriend both want that amount of time
Comfortable - M, K and boyfriend are presumably comfortable with this
Agree - that's their arrangement

You and K:
Practical - after kids, work, etc, how much time do you have?
Compatible - what do you both want?
Comfortable - what are you, K and M comfortable with?
Agree - what are your written guidelines? don't have any?

Recently, there have been a couple of incidents where it really feels like M. resents K's relationship with me. (Even though she was the one who suggested the two of us start dating in the first place.)

I hear this a lot in poly. Sometimes people suggest their partner dating for selfish reasons (yay! I'll get more alone / own dating time). Sometimes it's because they feel more in control; thus, less jealous, of the situation by orchestrating it.

Surely she didn't suggest you date, viewing you as platonic friends... then BAM - you became attracted overnight? Surely you two were attracted before she suggested it.... and perhaps that's why she suggested it?

Just because someone suggests that two people date, it doesn't give those two people carte blanche and it doesn't mean that the person suggesting it will feel 100% at ease!

However, I'm not saying you, or K, did anything wrong here.

Do you have guidelines? Written or verbal? One of our written guidelines is that we don't text or call during dates, unless it's an emergency. We don't set a limit on the amount of times we can see other partners - but we have a general verbal agreement that once a week for up to eight or nine hours is on the higher end.

Do I just let it go? Do I tell him how upset I really am?

I think that you all need to talk and re-work an agreement. You don't even have to express upset or annoyance if you don't want the conflict. You could word it as "would you mind if we can set some expectations regarding time with K? I don't want to interrupt you two when you're spending quality time and I think it would help me to know what to expect."

Or is this just karma coming back to bite me? A few weeks ago I did something inconsiderate that really hurt and frustrated my husband and I felt awful about it. I did everything I could to make it up to him, but maybe karma just needed to give me a good bitch-slap about it, just to be sure?
]

Karma is a bitch, for sure! But, Karma or not, I don't think it's acceptable for K to leave halfway through your time to go to a bar with M... nor for M to request it.
 
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Marcus

Well-known member
And at the same time, I want to be able to brush it off because it shouldn't matter.

I don't see why you'd want to brush it off. She knows you two were on a date and she called in the middle of it to invite him out on a date with her?

In what world is that not being a self-absorbed jerk?

Dagferi said:
Yes say something but don't do it in a worked up moment. After you have a chance to think about things calmly bring it up. Not via text or email either. Face to face.

Agreed. While I think M is either being outright rude or being so self-absorbed that she doesn't know you exist, it doesn't change the fact that a calm conversation is the way to go.

And, if it turns out that his rule is going to be "M. can call me away at any time for any reason and I will break dates for her no matter what." then he can go have that rule with someone else, because I can't be treated that way.

Good for you, hopefully that isn't the case though.

I won't date someone who has a choke chain for some outside person to yank at any time they are feeling insecure. This is why I won't date people who use hierarchical ranking systems and I'm hesitant to date people who have monogamous partners. I only date people who control their own destiny and decide for themselves how they want to spend their time and energy.

Or is this just karma coming back to bite me? A few weeks ago I did something inconsiderate that really hurt and frustrated my husband and I felt awful about it. I did everything I could to make it up to him, but maybe karma just needed to give me a good bitch-slap about it, just to be sure?

It is obvious that the universe has materialized in your life just to teach you a lesson. The universe, the intelligent force which primarily spends its time meddling in the petty affairs of hairless apes who mope around busying themselves on a spit of sand in the middle of nowhere.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
So we wrapped up early and off he went.
I told him I knew he had to leave, but I was sad he had to cut the evening short.

I realized I hadn't addressed the issue from his end. While I think she was incredibly rude for calling and trying to crash your date, he is a grown man in control of his own actions and actually LEFT your date to go on a date with her and give her a ride home. Both of these folks are making a statement that your relationship isn't important at all and that you will be left out in the cold for even the silliest of reasons. That's some bs... what "agreed upon rules" would justify this?

"What? No honey, I'm on a date, you know that. Call a cab and I'll see you at the house later" is the only thing this dude should have said.

He just leaves because the boss called him lol
 

Natja

New member
"What? No honey, I'm on a date, you know that. Call a cab and I'll see you at the house later" is the only thing this dude should have said.

He just leaves because the boss called him lol

This is exactly what I thought when I read it! *sigh* will the gods save us from Wussy ass men?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
This is exactly what I thought when I read it! *sigh* will the gods save us from Wussy ass men?

I'm not waiting for the gods to save me from wussy ass people (men don't have the market cornered). I'll use my senses and experience to try and identify them so that I can keep from getting entangled in their issues.
 

Natja

New member
You can't blame a girl wanting to wait for Thor though....

(and yes, I know men don't have that market cornered but I am attracted to strong, independent minded men who have their act together so, the dearth of them kind of hacks me off).
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
For us; we do have an agreement that if one of us needs to reach the other-we can call for any reason.

BUT-between the two of us we also have the understanding that we damn well better keep it appropriate. Neither one of us WOULD tolerate that sort of interruption to our date nights.

The key to me though is this- that is between he and her. The only part that is between you and he, is how you and he agree your time should be spent. Therefore-the issue is in how you feel disrespected by him. How he handles the issue with her-is not your business.

Does that make sense?

If for example, my husband calls me and interrupts my date-my date can complain to me regarding how I handle it. But-it's not my date's place to comment regarding my husband's request. My husband has the right to request whatever he wishes in his relationship with me. It's my job to ensure that I am holding myself accountable to each of my relationships....
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
I agree, ass-hole moves all around.

The dumbest part is that she was out with friends already having a good time. It's not like she was moping around the house feeling sorry for herself.

My girlfriend's husband's boyfriend always picks his wife up from work and drives her home. If he happens to be visiting at the time, he'll leave to go pick her up, drop her off at home, and then come back over. That's just their arrangement, and it works for everyone.

I suspect there's more to it than the wife just needed a ride home; after all, she didn't ask him to pick her up at the end of the night, she asked him to come join her part way through and stay with her. She was with friends, and surely they had to be getting home somehow. She could have hitched a ride with them. But as was mentioned, none of that has anything to do with you. Your place is to communicate with your boyfriend how you feel about him leaving your date to go be with her, and how you cannot be in a relationship with those terms. Make it clear that this is about you and your needs, not about the wife's behaviour.
 

MeeraReed

Well-known member
Just a side note: I really like being part of a community wherein it's normal to refer to "my girlfriend's husband's boyfriend's wife" in conversation! :)
 
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