BonzaiBlitz
New member
Since my last thread, I've been in an intermittent state of deep introspection, trying to identify my feelings and maybe start to process them along the way.
Short version: I'm learning the difference between understanding a concept intellectually and experiencing it the hard way.
For example, when Bloom first suggested we open up, I started doing research.
I found many reasonable (if radical to the monogamous establishment) concepts, and agreed with their rationale.
For example:
1) No one person can reasonably be expected to meet all of another person's needs in a relationship.
Quite logical, and delving into the concept revealed that its opposite (the monogamous assumption) likely leads to much unnecessary stress in relationships.
2) Love is an unlimited resource.
Again, logical to the point of obviousness. OF COURSE it's an unlimited resource. Anyone who would think otherwise has turned it into a commodity in an environment of artificial scarcity and unnecessary competition.
I understood these concepts, and agreed with them almost immediately.
I didn't have to actually EXPERIENCE them until a few weeks ago, when my wife announced she finally had a boyfriend.
And suddenly, all the intellectual understanding and poly cheerleading just collapsed inward, along with my self-esteem.
1) My conscious mind understands that neither Bloom nor I should be expected to meet all of the other's needs.
But we set out to build a marriage that would last, and all (seemingly healthy) monogamous literature points to two people who stand alone against the world, meeting all of each other's needs and therefore not needing to look outside.
Thus, we've both grown away from our families, and relied only on each other for support.
Which was fine for a decade.
Problems between us were brought up immediately, and dealt with similiarly so.
But now that someone else IS meeting some of her needs, suddenly I feel diminished.
I feel less important in her life because she ISN'T looking to me for total support anymore, and I feel guilty asking her for support because she's having fun with the new relationship.
2) My conscious mind understands that love is an infinite resource.
But a harsh realization hit this past week that (in large part due to our situation described above).
I really don't have a support system outside of the marriage.
The two of us don't rely on our families (and REALLY couldn't rely on them for support regarding this situation), and haven't much noticed their general absence from our lives since we've been married.
Another PRIME factor in guides to maintaining a strong marriage is to grow a joint identity as a married couple.
I am her husband first and foremost (even superseding my life experiences before we got together), and she [was?] my wife first and foremost.
We were the "We'd LOVE a cornmeal body scrub!" couple.
Props if you get that reference.
But now?
It seems like jumping into poly is pulling us apart, forcing us to be lone individuals floating away from each other.
That pulling is taking chunks out of my self-confidence and my self-esteem, which is what tends to happen when the foundation of your identity starts to crack.
And I feel helpless to do anything about it.
Especially since I have yet to gain any real prospects in a new relationship of my own.
Bloom's in the throes of NRE, and I feel like I'm imploding emotionally, weighing her down when she should be taking flight into the adventure of this new relationship.
Thoughts?
Short version: I'm learning the difference between understanding a concept intellectually and experiencing it the hard way.
For example, when Bloom first suggested we open up, I started doing research.
I found many reasonable (if radical to the monogamous establishment) concepts, and agreed with their rationale.
For example:
1) No one person can reasonably be expected to meet all of another person's needs in a relationship.
Quite logical, and delving into the concept revealed that its opposite (the monogamous assumption) likely leads to much unnecessary stress in relationships.
2) Love is an unlimited resource.
Again, logical to the point of obviousness. OF COURSE it's an unlimited resource. Anyone who would think otherwise has turned it into a commodity in an environment of artificial scarcity and unnecessary competition.
I understood these concepts, and agreed with them almost immediately.
I didn't have to actually EXPERIENCE them until a few weeks ago, when my wife announced she finally had a boyfriend.
And suddenly, all the intellectual understanding and poly cheerleading just collapsed inward, along with my self-esteem.
1) My conscious mind understands that neither Bloom nor I should be expected to meet all of the other's needs.
But we set out to build a marriage that would last, and all (seemingly healthy) monogamous literature points to two people who stand alone against the world, meeting all of each other's needs and therefore not needing to look outside.
Thus, we've both grown away from our families, and relied only on each other for support.
Which was fine for a decade.
Problems between us were brought up immediately, and dealt with similiarly so.
But now that someone else IS meeting some of her needs, suddenly I feel diminished.
I feel less important in her life because she ISN'T looking to me for total support anymore, and I feel guilty asking her for support because she's having fun with the new relationship.
2) My conscious mind understands that love is an infinite resource.
But a harsh realization hit this past week that (in large part due to our situation described above).
I really don't have a support system outside of the marriage.
The two of us don't rely on our families (and REALLY couldn't rely on them for support regarding this situation), and haven't much noticed their general absence from our lives since we've been married.
Another PRIME factor in guides to maintaining a strong marriage is to grow a joint identity as a married couple.
I am her husband first and foremost (even superseding my life experiences before we got together), and she [was?] my wife first and foremost.
We were the "We'd LOVE a cornmeal body scrub!" couple.
Props if you get that reference.
But now?
It seems like jumping into poly is pulling us apart, forcing us to be lone individuals floating away from each other.
That pulling is taking chunks out of my self-confidence and my self-esteem, which is what tends to happen when the foundation of your identity starts to crack.
And I feel helpless to do anything about it.
Especially since I have yet to gain any real prospects in a new relationship of my own.
Bloom's in the throes of NRE, and I feel like I'm imploding emotionally, weighing her down when she should be taking flight into the adventure of this new relationship.
Thoughts?
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