Lack of attention

Ravenscroft

Banned
Retain an attorney. I figure she'll demand custody of the kids, therefore hefty child-support payments & a big chunk of your property, pension, etc.

Your wife is abusive. She gets off on abusing you. Whether she does this entirely of her own volition or at the behest of her (ugh) "master" is immaterial. Unless "master" has told you directly that these are his orders to her (I lose track), maybe this is all on her. An attorney can help you take steps to establish a pattern of emotional abuse in a clinical sense.

I have seen subs go power-mad. One got herself a thorough physical working-over by her Dom, happily let friends/family/co-workers assume the bruises were caused by her husband, & got around to having him arrested. (In Minnesota, suspicion of spousal abuse is a guilty-until-proven-innocent situation.) Imagine his trying to prove he didn't do it.

Then imagine yourself in that situation.

Get a lawyer, before you find yourself broke, alone, friendless, & jailed.
 

Inthedark

New member
Retain an attorney
Unfortunately, right now, I can't afford one. I have a friend who is trying to help me in that area and if I end up going with my plan to relocate to Virginia, I have a couple of options. Unfortunately, if it comes down to that, I don't see it turning out well for me. I doubt she will try to claim that I abused her, but she will do her damnedest to take the kids.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
You can't afford a lawyer? But you can afford to get her ruby jewelry? You've been gainfully employed for 20 years, and are now retiring with a pension at a young age. I reckon you joined the military in your late teens or early 20s? So you're what? 38? 42? You've got training and qualifications for a good job with the federal government, you'll have even more money coming in soon.

Ever heard of a credit card? Lawyers take those. I paid $5 grand to my lawyer when I got divorced, half upfront, half after the divorce was final (which took a year). Yet you believe you can't find a way to come up with $2500 to get yourself safely out of this mess, which includes child custody? My divorce didn't even include child custody issues as they were 18, 21 and 23 when we split. But I still retained a lawyer to get a good settlement.

Please talk to your therapist about getting your priorities straight. I have no idea if your wife is fully checked out of your marriage, or just having her fun with intent to go on torturing you (because planning your torture with the help of her online "dom" is part of the fun). But, dear man, you need to grow a pair of balls and figure out, you're not a child, your wife is not your abusive mother, and you can do better for yourself than relying on outgrown coping strategies.

Stop living for your wife. She doesn't deserve it. And even if she was an angel, no one should live their life for another. You need to put on your own oxygen mask here. You're suffocating.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Your plan to go to Virginia to file made sense.

If you are not sure if you have the emotional werewithal yet to go through it? Run it by your therapist and plan your therpist support systems first, THEN file.

If you are not sure what military divorce takes in your situation? Run it by military legal assistance so you get help with divorce procedures. You are not the first solider to divorce and won't be the last. They can help guide you through the process.

If you are not sure about paying for it? Ask them about that too. In the meanwhile? Return the ruby. Have a credit card handy to put costs on.

Unfortunately, if it comes down to that, I don't see it turning out well for me. I doubt she will try to claim that I abused her, but she will do her damnedest to take the kids.

It will turn out well for you even if she tries to get the kids in solo custody. Why? You started this whole post because she was an absent mother/absent wife. Remember? I bet the kids do. It will turn out well because

1) You will be free from abuse. You will be free to provide a healthier place for the kids to land where they are free from strain.

2) You can go for joint custody or solo custody yourself. Present a solid case. She isn't the judge. The judge is the judge.

3) The kids get a voice in their custody hearings and your kids are not babies. Your older daughter can certainly speak for herself.

Galagirl
 
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Inthedark

New member
Its all over

Hi all.
I just wanted to say that I appreciate all of the good advice and all of the wake up calls that you have all given me over the past several weeks. Things came to a head tonight. It was stupid. We fought over dinner. I was under the impression that she was going to the grocery store to get something for dinner so I didn't make anything for the kids. When she got home she got very angry because I made this mistake. So, I decided to put my foot down. I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that I would no longer tolerate it. Then things blew up. And in front of the kids, no less. I basically got her to admit that she wanted to divorce me. I was about to leave, but I couldn't. Then I demanded that she leave. But then I couldn't let her. I asked her not to. I caved. Folks, I know the things you all are telling me is right. I just can't do it. If you were all here. If you all could come and pull me out of this situation I might be able to go. But I'm not strong enough to do it on my own.
So, I think rather than continuing to frustrate you all, I'm just going to stop posting. You can lead a horse to water... Thank you all again for everything!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I was under the impression that she was going to the grocery store to get something for dinner so I didn't make anything for the kids. When she got home she got very angry because I made this mistake. So, I decided to put my foot down. I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that I would no longer tolerate it.

Good for you. I am happy to hear you set that boundary.

Mistakes happen, and dinner can be solved with cereal, sandwiches, take out.

It doesn't warrant a big blow up. Sheesh.

Folks, I know the things you all are telling me is right. I just can't do it.

If you cannot file divorce at this time? That's ok. Be ok doing what you CAN do -- more of this putting your foot down and setting boundaries is a good start. It's ok to take it in steps.

In the meanwhile? You can talk to your counselor about how set boundaries and keep them for now. That's enough of a baby step. You manage to set them, but didn't keep it. That may take some practice for you. You and your counselor can talk about how you would handle various scenarios so you have a rudimentary plan.

Sometimes it takes practice to set and KEEP boundaries, especially when you've been living with someone who just runs right over you/them.

I'm not strong enough to do it on my own.

That's why you secure a therapist, legal assistance, and other helpers so you are NOT doing it on your own.

If filing for divorce right now feels like jumping into running a marathon with no training? Don't do it right now. But don't tell yourself self limiting stories like "I am not strong enough to do it on my own" like it's a doom sentence for life.

At the very least add some modifiers when you tell yourself that story:

"I am not strong enough to file for divorce on my own at this time. I am doing ____ to get strong enough for that in near future. What I am strong enough to in my daily life in the meanwhile is ______. "​

Maintain hope, and take it step by step. Do what you can and seek help.

You deserve to be treated well, with respect. You have dignity, worth and value.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Tinwen

Active member
But I'm not strong enough to do it on my own.
So, I think rather than continuing to frustrate you all, I'm just going to stop posting. You can lead a horse to water... Thank you all again for everything!
You don't have to stop posting Inthedark, if it's a good coping mechanism. I am still following your story. I don't view you as a failure just because you didn't follow through all the way on the first attempt.

Quite on the contrary,
I basically got her to admit that she wanted to divorce me.
isn't this a success? Isn't it the one thing you wanted all along, to get a clear answer from her?

It is finally out in the open. You anticipated this, but it may take days or weaks for both of you to really accept the implications anyway.
I was about to leave, but I couldn't. Then I demanded that she leave. But then I couldn't let her.
I have been there, just without outright begging. It's just a phase of a crisis/breakup for some of us. It might help a little to realize that she is probably in a very similar place.
 

Spork

Active member
You are not frustrating us. We are being a little forceful and repetitive with our messages to you, because we (I think I speak for most if not all here) want you to hear it. But we are not frustrated, nor are we judging you. Your situation is HARD. Please continue to post. Understand that we do care enough to want updates if you're willing to continue to give them.

I feel your pain a bit, because for over a year I've had people yelling at me on forums that I was being a bad mother for not snatching my kids up out of my husband's house and running away, hiding, having him arrested, getting restraining orders, etc. I, too, could not afford a lawyer, though I did avail myself of a few free consultations because I wanted to know some reality on my situation. I've hung in there, for a YEAR, with someone that I'm literally afraid of, who is seriously mentally ill and armed to the teeth. He could go from zero to lethal in seconds. And yet I hung in there until I was ready to make my move and get out, which as you know I'm doing now.

You must do things in your own time.

The main thing that I keep harping on, and others keep harping on, and you really need to wrap your head around, is that you do not need another entity to feed your sense of self to you. You, just you, YOU have tremendous worth. You know what? Megan isn't worth more than you. She really is not. I think that's part of a very toxic mindset that is probably somewhat common in military guys...the devaluing of self. Because you have to be comfortable with the risks you take with your life in combat, and sacrificing your own comfort and your individuality and your SELF for your Army, your brothers, your unit. You aren't you anymore. You're the uniform. One of many.

But you did not die. You put your Self in a box and stowed it, probably thinking you stowed it in Megan's hands, and you became what you needed to, you adapted. It is time to take that box back, smash it, and set your Self free. It's not a big scary world out there, my friend...it's a big beautiful world full of people who are mostly good. Mostly awesome actually. The birds are still singing and the sun is still shining. And you've got a share of ownership in a world filled with joys and experiences, and you are young. I would love to see you seize the day, my friend.

First of all, you are fortunate in that you SHOULD, unless I'm very mistaken, have access to a lot of military resources, including legal help. I would be very shocked if you didn't. Please look into it if you haven't yet. You should be able to get sole or at least joint custody of the kids. I'm assuming you have a VA loan on your home? You will need to look into an IRRRL. Interest Rate Reduction Refi Loan. Depending on the market rate when you bought it, the main challenge is finding a lower rate now. But that is the easiest way to get her off your mortgage. In court, they basically try to "award" the house to whoever gets the kids, BUT that person has to be able to refi, and may have to pay out half of the equity to the leaving spouse. Unless she's got a down payment saved up (doubt it) she can't refi in just her name. The only alternative is a court order to sell the house and split the profit or loss. Being able to demonstrate that you could keep the house on your own ought to help your case...because she can't, and she wants to run off and live with Mr. Domly Dom anyhow.

Also, start cultivating a healthier gut. And no, I'm not talking yogurt. You need to start being able to recognize and evaluate "healthy" from "toxic" energy in your life, and reject that which is poison, and embrace that which is healthy. Stop letting your silly wife poison you!!

And if you have doubts, and difficulties, I remind you what others have said...do you really want your daughter to grow up believing that you should hang in there and survive if you're being abused? Do you?

One of the greatest motivators for me to finally get out was how much damage I realized was going on with my younger son. He doesn't want to be a man anymore, because the only man he's had as a role model is batshit bananaballs...and he developed anxiety from constantly having to watch out for his Dad's moods, to the point he was pulling his own hair out. Counseling helped, but it was a bandaid...and I knew I had to get him out of there.

I think you should confront your wife and ask her if she really thinks you're going to let her take the kids when she goes off to live in submission to Mr. Long, and if that's really something she thinks is appropriate for them to see? She wants to go live a life with no rules, fine. But she doesn't get to take the kids. Kids need rules. They need sanity. Stability. She doesn't have much of that going for her right now in what she is doing.

Oh, and last but not least, take it from a fairly experienced woman who has had quite a lot of partners in her lifetime. One of the best lovers I've ever had, and by that I mean skilled in operating my equipment, can turn me into a puddle without even taking off his pants, and didn't need a whole ton of real life experience with a lot of women to get that way. He studied, learned, and pays meticulous attention to ME. He's not some hot young stud pretty-boy and he doesn't rock a huge willy--which is great, because there's more I can happily do with an average one. Good sex is about far more than size. Her insult was schoolyard CHILDISH. Get right with yourself. You can do better than this woman, and you don't deserve this treatment.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Inthedark,

I'm sorry things have taken such a bad turn for you. I don't think you're a hopeless case, you are dealing with a hard and complicated situation. If you don't want to post anymore, consider sending one or more of us a private message. This way you could pick out which member/s you felt would be the most supportive.

Hang in there; do not give up.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Inthedark

New member
isn't this a success? Isn't it the one thing you wanted all along, to get a clear answer from her?
Tinwen, I suppose this is a success of a sort but I guess I'm letting myself feel hurt because it isn't the answer I wanted. But nearly 24 hours removed from the argument, I am able to think a little more clearly. While I am grieving, I am also planning.
You must do things in your own time
Spork, you're not the only one to say this. I think I've heard it from GalaGirl and AussieKate as well if not from others. I guess my military mind is so used to doing things on a specific timeline that I'm having trouble getting around the whole idea of taking my time. That and I want a resolution as soon as possible. I guess that might mean waiting for a while. Her idea of getting the bills paid off before we split is a good one but that may take a year or more. But I take inspiration from your own situation. It will be much easier to live with my wife for a year than I think it was for you to stay with your crazy ex.

I guess I might keep posting. It is a good outlet. Unfortunately, I allow myself to feel pressured to take action. I have always been afraid to disappoint people. But it is nice to come here every day and see that there are people who believe I have value. That's nice. Thanks to you all.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
You're a good egg, Inthedark. We're pulling for you.
 

GreenAcres

New member
InTheDark, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry things are heading this direction, and for all the hurt you're feeling.
 

Inthedark

New member
Just want to check in and let every one know that I'm still alive and kicking. Things aren't any better but I am dealing with it.
 

breathemusic

Active member
InTheDark,

I'm not happy about your pain and suffering, but I am happy that it sounds like you will eventually be able to move on and live a happier life once all of this is over. However, I would caution you to start saving AS MUCH DOCUMENTATION AND PROOF AS YOU CAN regarding her behavior or anything else that might be useful in a custody battle. If you want the kids, it's going to be a hell of a fight. Gathering whatever you need to help with the divorce battle is probably good too, but I would think custody will likely be the more painful part. And sadly, the mother always gets the benefit of the doubt for some stupid reason (and I say that as a woman). I know that you're hurting, and I know that a big part of you wants that "resolution now" thing, but this is a lengthy process, so you're going to have to mentally prepare yourself for that. And you DEFINITELY need to scrape together whatever funds you need to consult with a lawyer ASAP.
 

Memorandum

New member
^Yeah men usually get the shit end of the stick when custody comes up. Probably changed a bit by now because my dad got screwed. They were both military though.

It was also pretty shady back then. We weren't "asked" who we wanted to go live with. We were guided with true/false questions about our dad that wasn't true. She definitely tried to poison our minds after she got her way.

Pleeease keep records of her bs.
 

Spork

Active member
^Yeah men usually get the shit end of the stick when custody comes up. Probably changed a bit by now because my dad got screwed. They were both military though.

It was also pretty shady back then. We weren't "asked" who we wanted to go live with. We were guided with true/false questions about our dad that wasn't true. She definitely tried to poison our minds after she got her way.

Pleeease keep records of her bs.

I was asked, but I was 13, in Virginia, in the 90's at that point. It isn't that relevent. I do believe that the children's input will be asked and taken into account. One thing I have read about the way courts in our state (my state of residence and ITD's, Colorado) work is that they weigh very seriously if they get any sense that one parent is being manipulative to the kids, turning them against the other parent, denying the other parent contact or visitation, basically poisoning by deliberate action the children's ability to have a loving relationship with the other parent...that tends to be something that, in a contested custody battle, can be a big deciding factor of who ends up with primary custody here. Judges here are harsh about it. Or so I'm told.

And unfortunately given OP's financial circumstances right now, a custody battle means lawyers, and lawyers mean $$. It would be so much better for his sake if she would just decide she wants to be free of her responsibilities and begone off to where-ever to have adventures, leaving him to get on with life and parenting on his own.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re (from Inthedark):
"Just want to check in and let every one know that I'm still alive and kicking."

That's good. Sorry things haven't improved any, but at least you're still with us.
 

Inthedark

New member
Hi all!
Well, This weekend is going to be interesting. The wife is off to Houston to visit one of her paramours. I'm worried. Not because of him, I actually think this guy is a good dude, but because she is driving. I think it's a little reckless to try to make the trip from Colorado all the way to Houston and back in only three days. But, as you all know, she has to learn the hard way.
The past couple of days have been pretty good. We both have been riding our own waves of good feelings. Yesterday we came together and actually had a good talk. I think that Mr. Dom is on his way out. They are sort of fighting right now. I know that I will be a little lonely this weekend but on the positive side, I will have some great time with the kids. I'm thinking of taking them to the movies.
That's about it for now. I'll let you all know how stuff works out.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds like things are looking up a little. That's good to hear.
 
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