LDR challenges with going from friends to partners

Sweetpea

New member
Intro first:
Hello. I've been out as poly since 2003. I have a husband who is my financial and family partner. We still have a child at home. Husband aka J is mono sexually, but has platonic relationships and interests he puts alot of time into. We have been open since day 1 of our relationship in 2004 and still in love and happy living together.
Current situation is I have a submissive boy friend aka S who I was with for a year then we had to break up for two and now we are back together and more stable than ever. We share friends in the local kink community primarily and get people together for sexual exploration and also spend time alone. I started my kinky journey in the late 90's and have never found someone like him that I feel so bonded and committed to till now.
More recently I got involved with a friend and colleague Z who I know professionally but do not work with. We have been friends for 4 years, but I have liked him as more than friends since we first met. He is also married and poly but lives a 6 hour drive away on a good day. I admitted to him I had more feelings for him 6 weeks ago when we rented a house together for a class we took in Arizona. Turns out he also has feelings for me. Things have gotten a bit complicated since then as they can and I am having big feelings and miscommunications I would like some help on. So I turn to you guys as I have in the past and probably will again.

There are a few things at play here and it feels less straight forward than I am comfortable with. So since Z and I admitted we have feelings for each other I am seeing a side of him that requires alot of time and energy to sort things out. Being online/ phone, voice messages, facetime letters packages you name it seem to be filling my life with miscommunications. I misunderstand what he means and he misunderstands me, sometimes it can happen in the same day. I have been emotionally triggered by him which is not something I have ever had with him or often with many people at all. Then I take space to sort my feelings out and in the meantime he bombards me with more texts and more emails etc. He breaks boundaries I havent even been able to set in place yet and so it requires so many conversations many of which he misunderstands what I mean. Meanwhile I have alot of things going in in the present and dont like phones or the internet much at all.

I care for him, Z that is. May even be in love although Im the type who often needs to get hit over the head before I realize. I move slowly towards these things. I am getting a bit spooked by all his ways though. I sent him an email that took me a week to sort my stuff out about and asked him to give it some time before he responded. He texted me that night with a quote from Dune and our differences. I was so relieved and felt seen, it was short and sweet. Then the next day he left me a voice text telling me he didn't understand my email at all and that is how he talks to all the woman in his life that way responds quickly that its not just me that he talks to like that, in what he thinks I think is obsessive. oh and also that L his wife thought it was cute (not sure what she means or why he felt like he needed to tell me that). The funny thing is that I didn't mention that at all in any of the letter. Not once. Not once did I say I thought he was obsessed with me. But ofcourse we are both at work all day today and can't hash this stuff out and I don't really want to.

I know I didnt give alot of details here but I hope this gives you a picture. I am going to drive to where he lives Friday and will be spending the evenings with him while I am there. I am feeling like I can't do LDR with him basically, but I still want something with him. When we talk through things he is so sweet and gentle and I find him very sincere and charming and connected. It lasts until the next day when he begins to bombard me with his train of thought voice text/emails after the next and so on. I ask him him to back off and then we misunderstand ad each other and have to sort it out again and again.

Any advise insight or questions are welcome. Thanks .
 

Melibird

New member
It sounds like you are listening to your intuition and your needs, and that you know what you want. Hopefully your needs will align with his and with some communication you might find you're interested in the same level of contact.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Let me repeat back I understand in my own words. You correct me if I get bits wrong, ok? Blue just to block it off visually.

You and Z? Realized you had some feelings for each other. You were start to figure it out when you realized....

A) You have different communication styles. You take your time. He's a whoosher.

B) When you talk in person, he seems sweet and gentle. It only lasts til the next day. Then he bombards you with with his train of thought voice text/emails after the next and so on. You find this behavior overwhelming/and a turn off. If you ask him to back off/dial it down? He gets upset about it or something and it leads to circle conversation. So basically him still taking up your time and energy because he "doesn't get it" that you don't want to talk right then.

C) You sent him recent email that you spend a lot of time crafting to get just right and hopefully have it SINK IN this time. To ask him to dial it down some and to take his time thinking on it before responding. He did NOT take his time. He responded right away.

  • That he doesn't get why it bothers you.
  • This is how he talks to all the other people in his life.
  • He likes responding quickly
  • That he thinks you think he's obsessed with you because he whooshes at you so much
  • That he showed your private email to his wife and she thought it was cute.

You are busy with work, and don't want to try to hash this out AGAIN because it's been miscommunication after miscommunication. You already sent email about it. Not much else left to stay.

You have decided that while there was initial attraction here with Z? And you are going to see him Friday?

You don't want an LDR relationship. Maybe more like a once a great while, you hook up? But no talking in between because of the whooshy habits?


Is that close?

If so?

And you continue with him? Set some personal boundaries for YOU to obey. Let things go to voice mail, don't answer texts, or emails til you are ready to deal with it. Or get a burner phone and other email put him on that. And leave in drawer to be dealt with when YOU are ready to deal with it. Rather than blowing up your normal phone/email all day long, esp when you are at work.

Or... let it go and just end it with him. Don't go see him Friday. Change your mind about pursuing this one. Because the initial attraction isn't worth the hassles.

Really it is up to you how you want to manage this.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Seasiren,

I don't know if it might help if you and Z get some more practice communicating, you seem to have a lot of misunderstandings with each other right now, maybe with practice, and more familiarity with each other's communication styles, you can reduce the number of misunderstandings in the future. It does sound like Z prefers to "communicate" much more often, and at much more length, than what you are comfortable with. So much so that it is maybe even interfering with your work, which is a huge problem. I don't know how direct you have been with him, when you told him to dial it down. Sometimes when there are misunderstandings, you have to be extra direct. "Stop trying to communicate so much and so often. It is triggering me and interfering with my work." Something to that effect.

The two of you do seem to get along well when you are with each other in person. Not so much when you are talking to each other long distance. Maybe the thing to do is to remove (all or most of) the long-distance elements from your relationship (with Z), and just keep the parts where the two of you get together in person. Would that be possible? Would it be anywhere in/near the realm of what you would want/need? or at least, reduce the amount of long-distance communication until the percentage of misunderstandings goes down (significantly). I don't know if he would be willing to cooperate with that kind of a game plan. Flooding you with more and more miscommunications seems to be awfully important to him. By the way, is it okay with you that he shares your communications with his wife?

I hope you can work things out with him.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Sweetpea

New member
Thanks everyone. I am seeing this a bit more clear. What is a whoosher exactly though? Someone who misses the point?
I like your ideas Gala girl. A burner phone! Ha! Still processing it all.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I am thinking that a whoosher -- in this context -- is someone who floods you with words/information without regard to whether that's what you want/can handle. You'll have to get confirmation on that from GalaGirl though.

I'm glad we have been helpful so far.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I meant someone who whooshes a lot of communication -- in person, on the phone, over text, email, facebook, etc.

Like this big "WHOOOOOOSH!" of words coming at you like water out of a fire hose.

Or like no filter. Everything is at the same level and just comes out whenever. I deal in that with some my dementia elders. They can't go

  • This is important and urgent. I have to tell RIGHT NOW! "Ex: "I have to hang up, the kid fell off the roof and is screaming!"
  • This is important, but not urgent. Ex: "Listen, I have to get the kid at school at some point. So I can talk for now til I get the text that they are done with soccer practice and need to be picked up."
  • This is not important, but urgent. Ex: "I can talk, but the new puppy just peed on the floor, so I need to pause for 5 min to deal in that."
  • This is not important, and not urgent. Ex: "I am not going to tell my partner I got junk mail and am letting it pile up on my counter til recycle day. That is not news. Everyone gets junk mail."

It just ALLL whooshes out whenever it pops up in their head.

The problem of him respecting your preferences or limits? That's a separate issue from the communication style difference of him whooshing and wanting lots of contact and you wanting slower and more spread out contact.

FWIW? Here's what I think...

It doesn't matter that other people in his life are ok with the whooshing. You aren't those people.

Be nice if he could respect your preferences or limits and exercises some self control. But really? He doesn't have to "get it."

All he has to know is that you don't like internet and phones much. You do slower communication. So you won't respond back as fast as him if he sends you stuff. And not to expect you to. You can talk more like (Once a week? Every 2 weeks? Email within x days. Hard pass on texts unless it a date and you are coordinating parking or something.) There. You tell him what he CAN expect.

Then you just hold your own personal boundary and don't deal with his messages and things til you are ready to deal with it.

You don't have to have your phone like a digital leash anyone can yank any time 24/7. You can turn it off, screen calls, ignore texts til later, etc. It is YOUR phone. And YOUR time management.

If he can't deal in that? Ok, then. Maybe not compatible.

And that happens in dating. Not everyone who is initially attracted is gonna be a match. That's what dating is FOR. To sort out the compatible ones.

Galagirl
 
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Melibird

New member
I dunno if that is clear.

What do you want, Seasiren?
You're right, that wasn't well stated. I appreciate the reflection! I guess I was thinking that it seemed clear from the writing that the situation was not what she wanted, but that's not at all what I said.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
the situation was not what she wanted

In my own experience, talking about what I don't want is the easy part. What's challenging (and what moves things along) is discerning what I do want and coming to peace in my own mind about it. Once I can come to sit squarely in what I do want, things tend to move forward naturally and without much drama. So I'm wondering if it might help Seasiren to talk with us about what she does want.
 

Sweetpea

New member
Thanks everyone. You guys are all so good at this stuff! I feel like I’m in good company here.
yeah truth is the older I get the more of an idiot I’ve become about technology. For example there has been a reply sitting here that I thought I’d sent and hadn’t. I live in a pretty isolated spot in the country and although I drive to town and have worked with people face to face daily through this pandemic It’s been without technology. I’m a Luddite for sure.
anyhoo. The whooshing thing is interesting. He does have to hold back a lot with me, he often just tells himself to listen and shup up so as to not interrupt me, and we have been sorting things out although it doesn’t change quickly.
We Facetimed yesterday so I could drop into some of the finer details of things and he asked me great pertinent questions about myself and I him. There is a growth here that is one of the things I love about
Living a lifestyle like this. It pushes me to be more clear and grow and expand my ability to love.
I told him I move like a turtle compared to him and that I need to be treated not like his sister and we teased out a few conversation concepts.
I told him I may not get back to him on things for even a couple days or maybe even not at all and he is totally fine about it.
I am gonna work on my trigger with him because it doesn’t happen in my life with anyone else so seems like a good opportunity.
the question right now is what do I want? And also Why do certain phrases he uses bother me so
Much?
I am going to see him this weekend so I can know if I want to keep it going.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds like you're making progress, that is good to hear.
 

tdh

Active member
the question right now is what do I want? And also Why do certain phrases he uses bother me so
Much?
Well the personality you might be describing could be due to many reasons like them in NRE and you not, a non-nerotypical brain like ADHD or Autism, never learning social skills, abusive personality types, insecure relationship type, etc, etc....

Your spidey sense is probably triggering a warning sign for something you don't like, don't want, or feels familiar in a not good way. An odd but real world example of this would be the vocal tones of a new partner reminding someone of an abusive ex. The new person isn't that ex but the way they say something is enough to be like, "I don't like this" because it triggers the feelings or thoughts of abuse.

Is there a theme in this phrases or statements that might help you understand what bothers you?

As for what you do right now is you set clear boundaries (check), you hold them, if you all can't work from there you bow out of the relationship. You already have pause and probably some level of safety concern with him so maybe take what ever safety precautions in the process until you know why your bothering is that way.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
The whooshing thing is interesting. He does have to hold back a lot with me, he often just tells himself to listen and shup up so as to not interrupt me, and we have been sorting things out although it doesn’t change quickly.

Isn't that just basic manners though? To take turns talking and not monopolize the conversation? To talk WITH people and not AT people?

Does he have any conditions? Like aspergers or ADHD or....?


I am gonna work on my trigger with him because it doesn’t happen in my life with anyone else so seems like a good opportunity.
the question right now is what do I want? And also Why do certain phrases he uses bother me so much?

What's the trigger?

What phrases?

Galagirl
 

Sweetpea

New member
The weekend went well and with a lot of time talking we both felt heard and seen. It was a great weekend and I appreciate all your help. Upon my re turn he has respected my wishes and I feel closer to him because of it.
Just had 14 year anniversary with my other partner J and then having a great time with my local lover S. I am feeling a bit of poly bliss right now.
Gonna see Z again in a few weeks when he comes for a visit with a mutual friend.

I also came out to my daughter this weekend. She was so understanding and loving about it. Although she also was quite shocked. She even opened up more about her sex life to me after. She and my son are the last ones left who aren’t clued in. He’s 11 though so I’m not sure how to broach that subject and when timing is really right.
Ill start another thread about it sometime.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds good. It's truly awesome that things are going so well for you right now. I hope that continues.
 
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