Hi! Thanks for the long-distance virtual feels, I appreciate them.
And your thoughts have led to some reflection, which is very helpful. You're right that this is 95% a depression issue. But the problem isn't just Purr, it's also me.
So I think what is happening is I'm experiencing mild depression, which leads me to feel insecure and inadequate; simultaneously, she's experiencing a fade of NRE and her own depression. There's about five million reasons why those things aren't playing well together.
It's winter. It's dark. It's cold. I'm not eating properly. I'm not sleeping properly. And I also suffer from depression (dysthemic disorder), which typically gets worse in the winter.
I never experienced NRE with Purr. It's probably not very clear from my blog, because it happened before I started blogging, but initially Guitarist was threatened by our mutual attraction. I squelched my side of that attraction, hard. I wanted to let them explore their own thing without intruding on it, so I avoided and strangled the NRE, hard.
When Purr and I started dating, the NRE I killed never came back. From my side of it, I've fallen in love with my metamour that I talked with regularly who became a good friend in a steadily growing state of affection. My side of our relationship didn't start out with that initial chemical-euphoric rush.
From her side of it, her NRE came back (or possibly continued throughout) very strong. When we started dating, there was constant texting, talking, contact, little hearts, thoughtful little notes, goodnight messages. That has tapered off now. My depressed self reads that as a reason to become insecure and feel inadequate, but my logical self needs to slap my depressed self upside the head and tell my brain to shut the fuck up because the evidence does not back that belief.
I think part of the NRE-fading is that it's just been some time and it naturally doesn't last, she has very strong NRE for Hatter, and it's hard to maintain NRE through horrible things like deaths of close friends' family and attempted suicide (not Purr, thank goodness). She is dealing with some Heavy Shit.
And to be completely honest, part of me is happy that it's tapering off for her, because the quantity and level of contact was a little overwhelming for me, and because I worried what would happen when it faded. Now I'm finding out and the answer is that she still loves me, which is in a way reassuring.
Your advice about not bringing up every freak out right away is good, though! I usually vent them here first. So a lot of what you're seeing is me trying to organize my thoughts to decide whether to have a conversation, and what about. Purr doesn't read my blog, though I've invited her to (she says it would feel weird and almost intrusive), and Guitarist reads my blog, but he usually lags about a week behind. My conversation with Purr was a lot more gentle and structured than the thoughts I poured out here. It's probably good, because you're right about negativity driving people away.
The good news is, we did get to talk about things, despite Kitten 2 basically being a little monster on our date night. We both realize we're in depressed places, and we're still committed to each other. I'm going to ask for reassurance when I need it to help break the cycle of negative-speculation/negative-self-talk a little earlier. And Purr is starting to see a counselor on Monday that I hope is going to help her get a handle on her issues.
Honestly, my weekend is going to be shitty in part BECAUSE it doesn't have any relationship stuff in it. On Saturday, I have the massive yearly board meeting for the nonprofit I volunteer for, a post-NaNoWriMo party that should be fun but that I don't want to attend because depression, and holiday tradition event with my mom. Sunday, I'm running a Deadlands: Reloaded game. I'm storytelling and not prepared for it at all. Guitarist is going to start playing, but he hasn't made a character yet, and I have a combat to organize, and I'm freaking out because I'm the geek that actually runs a few scenarios in advance, dice rolls and all, so that I have a good handle of abilities and how combat might go, and none of that's done, aaaaah.
Meanwhile, all I want to do right now is curl up in my bed, eat an entire cake, drink several comforting beers, and sleep until spring. The activity is actually good for me, because it keeps me from doing exactly that--overeating, overdrinking, sleeping too much, and moping.
Anyway. That got kind of long.