Leaf on the Wind


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Dragging ass this morning. I ate a lot of dairy yesterday, which was a bad move, or so my intestines are telling me. I'm feeling fat (because of extensive overeating lately and being on the high end of my typical weight spectrum) and gross (because of dairy). I also didn't sleep very well. I had things to do today, and I haven't been sleeping very well because of depression.

I realized this morning that I haven't had sex in like a week. If I needed any further proof that I'm having some depression issues, the complete tanking of my sex drive should clue me in to that right away.

In good news, I'm going to be planing my Deadlands game in a minute here, and if I get that done before we have to leave, I'm going to do some writing. That means several hours of sitting in front of my sunlight lamp, which will hopefully help cheer me up. I got to cuddle with Guitarist this morning, which also cheered me up. I actually had a good day yesterday despite how I dreaded it on Friday night. And tonight, I get to spend doing things I enjoy with Guitarist and my friends. So I'm hoping this will be a good start to the week and things will keep going with positive momentum.


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Today ended up being 1 part stressful, 1 part delightful. Planning my gaming session while my dad was at my house trying to hook our generator into our electric box was stressful. The dog barked for 2 hours straight, and the sound of barking dogs sets me on edge almost as much as crying babies. The actual gaming part was delightful. We ended on such a hilarious, perfect note that I've been happy ever since. This is why I drag myself out places when I'm mildly depressed. Because if I had just stayed home and moped, I wouldn't have had that delightful moment of belly-laughing until I cried with a table full of people also laughing (some until they cried).

And now it's time for bed, and time for work tomorrow, and it's another week already somehow. That feels absolutely crazy, but it is what it is.


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I'm sure this is completely shocking news, but... Purr has been having a really rough time lately. Guitarist is getting out to see her today and that makes me very happy. And then I'll get out to see her tomorrow, too, and that also makes me happy.

I didn't sleep very well last night or the night before. I kept dreaming that I needed to be at work. I hate nights like that. I can't just go to work, I have to dream about it, and then keep freaking out because what time is it, and then get no sleep, and then have to work my very brain-heavy difficult job on little sleep. Dear brain, you make no sense.

We also have a huge party coming up this weekend. It's the first party I'm hosting at our house. Everyone is so excited and WHY did I think this was a good idea. I took Friday off work to clean, and I'm almost wishing I had taken two days off for cleaning and preparation.

Oh and the keg place screwed up the keg I ordered, so I'm glad I called them yesterday to confirm that it will in fact be there by Friday. It's a local microbrew porter, and the specific brand has a lot of sentimental value to me for reasons I won't go into because who actually gets sentimental about specific beers.

Despite the problems with Purr, and despite the party issue, and despite no sleeping, I'm actually pretty bouncy and happy this morning. Go figure.


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Oooh-oooh! Me! I do! So does Rider! :D

I truly have found my people. :D

Meanwhile, I slept well last night for the first time in about two weeks, and I get to see Purr tonight. Apparently Kitten 1 stayed home from school yesterday with a cough. While normally illness would make me consider a reschedule, Guitarist was at Purr's house yesterday, so I'm probably already infected. Kitten 1 is very physically affectionate for a five-year-old boy and is impossible to keep at arm's length. Guitarist mentioned that he had a what the fuck moment when Kitten 1 just started petting his arm hair for no apparent reason. I'm completely not surprised.


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I realized while I was updating my signature that I never shared my decision about the Smith situation! I've decided that if he asks me dancing again, I will only accept if we're going as friends attending a fun group activity, not as potential interests on a date. I would have to make that very clear to him. A lot of things factored into that decision.

1) He's Purr's housemate and that just feels too close in the polycule for my comfort.

It's bad enough that both Guitarist and I are dating Purr. Even that makes me cringe a little sometimes, especially when Purr phrases it to people she outs herself to as "I'm dating Guitarist but it's okay because I'm dating Autumn too." Cringes on my part, every single time. As much as I've tried to convince her that there is no "because" there, it seems to work it's way in and makes me feel horrible. But I refuse to obsess right now on the possibility that she isn't actually attracted to me in my own right. So.

2) His life is full of drama.

Oh my goodness, is his life full of drama. I thought Purr's life was drama! Smith went through a bad breakup and he is adding a lot of new people to his life with very little discernment. A guy that I was doing NaNoWriMo with, who worked with Smith and Guitarist (yes, Purr, Smith, Guitarist, and Hatter all worked at the same place, hooray small town life!), remarked that it seemed like Smith is taking the shotgun approach to dating. What is said was that I'm poly, so I don't judge him for dating around... but what I thought was "holy crap you're right."

And with lots of new relationships comes lots of drama, as the whole Lift situation showed. I get enough second-hand drama through Purr. I don't need to be more entwined in it.

3) He wouldn't have enough time to be a regular thing.

Smith is massively over-scheduled. His life is very full of people and activities. I need contact at least every 10 days or I start to feel distant and disconnected. I feel like that would be asking a lot from him (unfair to him) and that I still might not get my needs meet (unfair to me).

I'm also worried that he immerses himself in activities from sun up to sun down to avoid dealing with the emotional fallout of the disintegration of his long-term relationship. That's another possible red flag.

4) Guitarist is uncertain about him.

Guitarist has never had negative feelings or uncertainty about anyone I've crushed on before, either Flame (M) or Marian (F). While I think this is mostly a reaction to the drama bomb that is Purr-Smith interactions as told by Purr, Guitarist's opinion does carry a lot of weight with me. Not just because I don't want to make him uncomfortable, but because he has impeccable judgment when it comes to people.

I like Smith and I'm attracted to him. He is SO my type--a well-read, intelligent, charismatic hairy bear with a strong creative side who loves nature. And have I mentioned that he's an actual smith? Like, the kind with a forge? If he wasn't so badly in flux, I'd be on that in a heartbeat.

But he is, and so I won't be. The potential negatives are too weighty right now. Maybe there could be a thing if his life settles down in the future, I just don't think that now is the time.


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OMG everyone at this house is so sick, I'm glad I was here to make a nice hearty chicken soup for them all but if I am sick for my party I'm going to be mad.


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My date with Purr last night went about as well as a date with a sick significant other and her sick small children could be expected to go. We don't really engage in a lot of physical contact in front of her children, because they are still too young to have that conversation with. So I didn't get to cuddle her much. It's probably better for my health and not getting sick, but she really looked like she needed cuddles.

Sometimes, I think our relationship suffers from a lack of us-time. Our dates have an established routine. I go to her house, she arrives from picking Kitten 1 up from school, I cook dinner while she does mom things, we all eat dinner, we read a book or do puzzles with the boys, the boys go to bed in the single bedroom. If I'm lucky, I get to have some adult cuddle time afterward (on the living room couch or floor, the most comfortable places for adult cuddle time).

But we haven't had cuddle time in weeks now, between her being tired and stressed out and me being tired and stressed out. The only time we get is right after they've gone to bed, for two hours if I'm lucky, before Purr passes out because she gets up at 5 am to get Kitten 1 to school. And lately, we haven't even had that. Either I'm tired or she's tired and I go home.

If I'm being totally honest, her children never put me in a good mood. I'm not really suited for extended responsibility for small children. I simultaneously adore and am utterly drained by them. I feel like I need time to recover, but I don't get that time, because she expects me to be able to immediately switch gears from 'children' to 'not-children.' My brain doesn't work that way. I can't just shed that kind of stress.

Never mind that it drives me crazy the way she doesn't discipline them. She wonders out loud why they are constantly misbehaving, but she's extremely inconsistent in giving them time-outs. For every time she says, "if you don't stop that I'm going to put you in time out" and then puts them in time out, there are four times she just ignores what they are doing or gives in the moment they start to cry. Or says "go in time out," the kitten in question says "no!" and she... doesn't do anything about it. They get to avoid time-out. It drives me absolutely crazy. What does that teach them, but that they can ignore whatever she says and there probably won't be consequences? In my opinion either enforce that boundary, or don't make the threat... but they aren't my children to raise.

Anyway, I feel like she rarely gets to see me at my best. I was mulling that over on the entire car-ride home. I don't think there's a solution, and I hope that what I do have to give is enough.

Today, I got off work early today because I'm in one of my slow weeks, my boss hasn't sent me any work, and our secretary kicked me out of the office because apparently my sitting at my desk doing other things on my laptop was distracting her from playing Candy Crush. The first thing Guitarist said when I got in the door was, "Can we have sex today?"

I said sure, after I did necessary things like change out of work clothes, use the bathroom, and have lunch (and some post-work post-drive decompress time). Then a few minutes ago, Guitarist wandered in, grabbed my boob, and asked "Will there be there any woman sex for me?"

As opposed to hand sex, which he's been having a lot lately. Poor guy. He's missing me a lot in the bedroom. I'm still basically a person walking around without a sex drive, but maintenance sex is totally a thing I'm happy to engage in. Sometimes a sexy scene is all I need to jump-start my sex drive and shut off the part of my brain that's constantly nagging me about things I need to do. Grocery lists are not the things of sexy fantasies.

Okay, Guitarist stopped by again. Time to go!


Well-known member
I'm sorry that your Purr time was less than ideal :/ Your dates do sound exhausting...I could see why you have difficulty shifting gears to sexy-cuddle time! Little kids are exhausting! (And cute, funny, sweet, and irritating all at once, lol.)

Just wanted to tell you that your analysis of why Smith is not a good choice for you, at this time, was very helpful to me. I am crushing super hard on a work guy-friend. He seeks me out and is openly flirty with me so I'm fairly certain it's mutual.... but, aside from the fact that I don't date coworkers.... there's also the fact that while Blue & I do not have no-go lists for each other, we do have "I'd prefer you didn't" lists (more like soft vs hard limits.) This guy is clearly on that list. Since he's the first guy I've crushed on in a long time, it's been difficult not going there. It helps just knowing someone else is in a similar boat :)

I hope Purr & her kittens get better soon and you don't get sick :)


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Just wanted to tell you that your analysis of why Smith is not a good choice for you, at this time, was very helpful to me. I am crushing super hard on a work guy-friend. He seeks me out and is openly flirty with me so I'm fairly certain it's mutual.... but, aside from the fact that I don't date coworkers.... there's also the fact that while Blue & I do not have no-go lists for each other, we do have "I'd prefer you didn't" lists (more like soft vs hard limits.) This guy is clearly on that list. Since he's the first guy I've crushed on in a long time, it's been difficult not going there. It helps just knowing someone else is in a similar boat :)

Thank you! It's so nice to be helpful :) And I can see how your situation would be problematic. Guitarist and I have soft limits, too, but I really respect his opinion. It doesn't help that I'm very rarely attracted to men right out of the box and it sounds like that's pretty similar, too! Even with Guitarist, who is also very much a big hairy bear cuddly charismatic type, we were very close friends before I started having romantic-type feelings. It makes it even harder to not go there. I keep telling myself it's better to not go there now, while it's just a crush, than to try to pull feelings back later and possibly hurt everyone involved... and I do mean everyone. Not just me and Smith, but Guitarist and Purr as well.

Have I mentioned that I'm both simultaneously excited and terrified by this party I'm throwing tomorrow night? This house is going to get cleaned like it hasn't been cleaned since the last time we had friends over. Which was month ago. And then I'm going to cook all the things. Ah. Aaaaaaaaah.


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My party on Saturday was a success.

My grandma passed away on Sunday. Today has been airline phone call hell, trying to get my parents' tickets changed so they can arrive in time for the funeral instead of for xmas. Their tickets are now changed at no cost instead of the $500+ they were originally quoted and I'm just glad could help in some way.


I'm really sorry to hear about your Grandma. My condolences, I'm glad you were able to help your parents with their plane tickets, nothing makes me feel better in times like that than to be able to do SOMETHING to make things even a little bit better.


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Thank you. That's my feeling exactly. Everything else is shitty right now, but at least I was able to do something to relieve my dad's stress. He literally started crying when my mom and I told him I got the fare change reduced to $0. They were going to borrow the $500 from my mother's parents, and it wasn't just that, but also renting a car to get to Nowheresville, TN (grandma was going to pick them up at the airport in Memphis), and everything else, it is all adding up. He's on SSD and they do not have this money. It took them months to save up for the airplane tickets in the first place.

I literally wanted to scream at the second receptionist that they would much rather be flying down on Saturday to ACTUALLY SEE GRANDMA, but I exercised patience and persistence and it ended up working out.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day of driving. I have to drive them out to a major airport and back, which is 3ish hours one way, depending on traffic. I'm going to see Purr afterward and get some much-needed hugs. I had to cancel going to her big solstice party this weekend and I feel inexplicably bad. I know I shouldn't feel bad, but I do anyway.

At least my job has sent me home for two weeks. I'm "working from home," but since I have no urgent work to do, that's fine with me.

This is a note to myself to write about some poly-intro stuff that happened at the party when I'm feeling like it.


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So the poly thing about the party. Purr was at the party, and we were completely open about being poly. A lot of my friends already knew, and a lot of Guitarist's friends already knew, but there were sufficient amounts of people that apparently didn't know before the party that some conversations had to happen. There was a lot of me and Guitarist cuddling, Purr and Guitarist cuddling, me and Purr cuddling, though never all of us cuddling at once just from the way seating worked out.

My favorite one was with my only female friend from grade school, who sort of shrugged and said whatever makes you happy. And apparently when Purr and I were snuggled on the floor (because when you have enough beer who needs chairs I guess), one of my other friends from grade school apparently asked Guitarist, "So that doesn't bother you?" To which he apparently laughed and responded "no," according to his later comment to me.

That was it. It was refreshing and delightful to just be ourselves, and if anyone was judgy, they did it on their own time.

It kind of reminds me of the first party I went to in Nearish Big City at a friends' house, where the friends we were seeing were poly and the wife's boyfriend and husband's girlfriends were there with one of the girlfriend's boyfriends and I just sort of shrugged, thought it was a little strange to see people I had previously only seen kissing each other kiss other people, and got over it.


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It's extremely surreal to think that this is my last time in my grandma's house. It's wrong without her laughter in the ceilings.

The people walking through just taking stuff doesn't help.

Anyway, I had to step outside a while. I really wish I had hugs from Guitarist and Purr.


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The weekend was really rough. I'm glad to be home, but now I have all of this Christmas shopping to do, and no desire to do it. Sigh.

My sister is probably leaving my niece's father. The only thing he said about my grandmother's death was "that sucks." He also took the house keys back to their home in Small City, so when we arrived at my parents' home after 11 hours on the road, we couldn't get into the house to drop off some things. He was "in bed" so he couldn't meet us half way to deliver the keys. We had to drive another hour round-trip into the city to get the house keys. Typical him.

But mostly, he doesn't provide her much emotional support. He said when they got together that he'd want to get married some day, but now he says he never wants to get married. He also doesn't want more children, but my sister does. I told my sister it sounds like she needs to DTMFA and find someone that will support her emotionally. She has social anxiety, body image issues, low self-confidence, and trouble accepting compliments. But the consistent respect and praise she has received in the two jobs (one full time!) she works to support her family while my niece's dad works part-time part of the year has really improved her self-confidence. It was good to catch up with my sister.

Oh, and I told her that we're poly, which she apparently didn't already know. She's of the 'whatever makes you happy' mindset. Most of the family is more concerned about my atheism than what I do in my bedroom. I guess there's nothing like a funeral to make your relatives worried that you won't go to heaven with them.

My grandmother would have hated the service. Even her neighbor and best friend, when we were crying together on the back porch after I had to go outside, said that my grandmother would have hated that funeral. My grandfather was an atheist, and she never went to church. She sent my dad and aunts with my great-aunt. She also didn't like my uncle, who conducted the service and turned it into a Southern Baptist conversion event. But it wasn't for her, it was for her children, and my dad and my aunts are all very religious, so it is what it is.

When I got home, Guitarist filled me in on all of the details of the party I missed on Saturday. Apparently, he was Purr's only partner who bothered to show up. I can't even pretend to be shocked anymore by how her other partners constantly ditch her. I was jealous that he got to go to the party and sad about the reasons I had to miss it. But I realize that I was very quiet and glum and he was excited and missed me and wanted to fill the silence, so I listened to him ramble on about it, even though it just made me feel crappy. Anyway, I got my cuddles in, which was what mattered the most, and he listened to me ramble about my weekend.

I've been texting with Purr this morning, and she's freaking out about having both of her boys underfoot for two weeks. The joys of single motherhood.

Now I should make coffee and get about the things I need to do around here before we drive into town for Christmas shopping for the niece and nephews.


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I feel like I'm coming down with a case of travel crud. This isn't helping the general sadness-depression thing I have going on right now. The only thing I want to do is lie in bed. I'm making myself not do that because it will just compound the issue.

Purr and I were texting yesterday about her schedule for the next two weeks. She's trying to fill her time with people so that she's not left alone with the boys full time, which I totally understand, so I gave her an option of several days to choose from for me. She picked the one that I thought would work the best anyway (Wednesday), because someone else would work better on Tuesday.

And we're getting together Sunday and I'm taking her and the boys to the zoo to see the holiday lights. I'm very, very, very excited about it. It's part of my holiday present for them, and I think that Kitten 1 will especially enjoy the lights. I also got the boys books, because I am The Aunt Who Gets Books for the rest of my nephews and niece, and it seems like a good place to be with her kids as well.

Purr texted at some point last week that me and Guitarist are her only steady things right now, other than the pseudo-thing with Hatter. That makes me sad. She's such a wonderful person, but she's so giving of herself and doesn't stand up for her needs, so she tends to get shunted aside in favor of squeakier wheels.

Guitarist gets very upset about the Purr-Hatter thing, because of how unethical it is to Hatter's long-distance girlfriend. I agree, but I just don't care. Maybe I'm very selfish in this way. But it's not my problem. It's not even a metamour problem. It's so far removed from a me problem that I'm probably about as close as I am to Kevin Spacey: me - Purr - Hatter - Hatter's LD GF. Purr and Hatter do not engage in any physical intimacy, but they have a lot of emotional intimacy and mutual attraction. Could that be considered cheating? Definitely to some people. Would Hatter's GF consider it cheating? Who knows, because he hasn't talked to her. He's flying out to see her later this winter, though, and I hope that gets resolved, because it does cause Purr a lot of stress.

The Purr-Hatter thing is closer to the thing I have with Flame than the thing I have with Guitarist, except that I don't talk to Flame nearly as much right now. We have periods where we don't talk much, and right now he's recovering from his birthday. Which is short on the heels of his estranged son's birthday. He tends to pull away from the world at around this time. All I can do is send him little messages reminding him that he's loved.

Now I just have to wrap things at some point before tomorrow night. Right. I'm going to try very hard to do adulting, but I'm still feeling very depressed and dragging ass, so we'll see.

It sounds like coffee is ready. I need to get me some of that.


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Waiting for the coffee to brew so that I can take a shower and go with my sister to look at the apartment she wants to move into. It's very important to her that she has a second opinion (so important that she's using her work lunch to do this), and mom is still in TN with dad, so I'm going to do that.

At some point today we also have to return the keg I drained yesterday. We did a surprisingly good amount of drinking on it, but I was still sad to see a couple gallons of porter go down the sink. Even if it was pretty flat at that point.

And then I'm seeing Purr tonight. The kittens are on school vacation, so I expect them to be rambunctious. I'm going to take over their holiday books. It's late for yule (Purr's holiday) and early for christmas (the boys go to church with their grandparents) but whatever. I'll let Purr decide whether and when they can open them.

I badly want sex with Guitarist at some point, too. We've been on a roll since I got home and I don't want to lose momentum, because this is my pre-period horny cycle and I know what's coming up next, and I've been really craving good old PIV lately.

I'm going to have to squeeze writing time in somewhere today. Probably sideways between things, which means it won't go very well. But I'm pitching to an agent whose work I really like at a local conference in January and I need need need this manuscript to be 100% polished by then. So I'll find some way to squeeze it in.

Anyway, coffee is done. Time to get started.


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Boys in bed, make out makeout make out, CRASH from the boys' room, crying baby, Purr dashes to deal with it while I dash to throw on my shirt. Story of my life :rolleyes:


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As usual, crazy holidays. I've been a little ill off and on since Monday, but Thursday it hit me like a ton of bricks. I decided not to party with my extended family in Nearby City because driving that far in the condition I was in promised to be horrible. It sounded like Purr's ex wasn't a complete dick and took the kittens for a time so that she could do basic things like shower and get stuff ready for her family's celebration.

On Christmas morning, Guitarist's computer fried. It's some crazy amount of years old (like, predates our relationship old) and this isn't particularly shocking to me. It still made his entire day stressful.

He has a bunch of computer parts lying around, but none of them will fit his extremely old motherboard or case. He's not working and he can't just go out and purchase a new computer. But since his computer is presently his livelihood and how he interfaces with the world, I'm giving him some money out of my emergency fund so that he can build himself a new one. Oh, and this morning has been stressful for both of us. He's pacing and speaking computer and pulling on his hair, literally, and I'm trying not to get my eyes glaze over. Unsuccessfully, because he just shambled out grumbling about how I clearly don't want to be bothered.

It's not that I don't want to be bothered. It's that I don't know computer and I don't really care if he needs a new case or video card or anything else about how he chooses to spend the money. It's now his money! He can spend it building whatever kind of computer he wants. I don't care. Do not. Care. Computers frustrate the shit out of me and make me grumpy.

Tonight, I'm supposed to play post-Holiday poker at a friend's house. Purr might or might not go with me. I know Guitarist doesn't want to go with me. And then tomorrow I'm taking Purr and the kittens to the zoo for holiday lights. Guitarist is invited, but he isn't big on social outings, so he might or might not come.

Meanwhile, I decided that I'm pretty happy with my relationships, don't really feel the need to be dating anyone else yet. I'm also taking once-weekly archery classes starting in January, so my schedule is basically going to be saturated. Starting something new right now seems like a very bad idea. All of those conversations I had with Purr and Guitarist about me dating again? Good exercise, guys! Maybe in March. I don't know.

Oh look, coffee is done!