Leaving my partner over her husbands choices

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
I won’t get into too much detail but my partner I’ve been seeing for a few months I recently found out her husband made some poor choices sometime a ways back . Let’s just say the details are sketchy but he got into some legal trouble chatting with someone that wasn’t as she claimed to be ….. you can unbox that yourself

I’ve also found out part of his conditions is subject to random home visits of not the nicest kind. I’ve been to their home in the past not knowing about this prior issue until I was informed his home was randomly “checked in on”

I’m not judging him on what might or might not of happened, he still has his wife and children that have to be embarrassed by these random visits but for myself I felt very uncomfortable with the situation and informed her I will no longer be coming to their home to spend time together, I’m also considering ending the relationship with her . I feel like I’m punishing my partner for someone else’s choices. My thought is if it was that big of a issue he wouldn’t be free to live his life

It’s not fair to her but I just don’t know how I feel at the moment with this information and feel she doesn’t deserve to be punished but I don’t know what other choices their might be .

Edit. My opinion for what it’s worth I don’t think it was intentional, after getting to know him he seems he is a very gullible guy , I think he fell for a situation of someone showing interest in him while claiming she was someone of a “number” she wasn’t. Maybe I shouldn’t be putting this information out here but it’s not something I’ve had to deal with in the Poly community before
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Could you meet your partner somewhere else and move to a totally parallel poly situation?
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
Could you meet your partner somewhere else and move to a totally parallel poly situation?
That could be a option . I’m trying to approach this delicately as possible . Even though she isn’t part of the choices he made the fact it’s his house and is subject to random searches makes me a bit uncomfortable. She’s very upset her toy chest was laid out and picture taken just because she chooses to stay married to him . I have No legal concerns of my own but I also don’t want to be “guilty by association” . I don’t know if anyone else on here has had to face this kind of situation before . Don’t worry about it or get away from it totally ASAP which would be further punishment for something she’s not even guilty of
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think it's up to you. It's not like it's been a long time dating her. Just a few months.

Her gullible husband got mixed up in hinky, and that part isn't her doing. But neither was she up front about "spot checks" being a possibility before you went over there, was she? I'd quit because she wasn't up front with me.

Or was this a surprise to her too? He didn't tell her this would be happening as part of his legal stuff?

If you choose to keep trying to date her? You could see her elsewhere and not go to the family home any more. A very separate V. And deal with the price of admission -- having to deal with any issues that might come your way from "guilt by association."

If you rather not deal in that? Could choose to view it more like "bullet dodged" or "nip in bud" and stop dating her. You aren't obligated to stick around in things that make you uncomfortable.

I don't get the "punishment" thing. You aren't trying to be mean or punish her.

You are just trying to keep YOUR own nose clean and stay out of problems.

Galagirl
 
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MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
I think it's up to you. It's not like it's been a long time dating her. Just a few months.

Her gullible husband got mixed up in hinky, and that part isn't her doing. But neither was she up front about "spot checks" being a possibility before you went over there, was she? I'd quit because she wasn't up front with me.

Or was this a surprise to her too? He didn't tell her this would be happening as part of his legal stuff?

If you choose to keep trying to date her? You could see her elsewhere and not go to the family home any more. A very separate V. And deal with the price of admission -- having to deal with any issues that might come your way from "guilt by association."

If you rather not deal in that? Could choose to view it more like "bullet dodged" or "nip in bud" and stop dating her. You aren't obligated to stick around in things that make you uncomfortable.

I don't get the "punishment" thing. You aren't trying to be mean or punish her.

You are just trying to keep YOUR own nose clean and stay out of problems.

Galagirl
Thank you for your voice on this and I do agree .I’m going to find out shout her knowledge of the random spot checks but I’m just going to assume whenever he got involved with this she would already know it was in the terms of his supervision
I think it's up to you. It's not like it's been a long time dating her. Just a few months.

Her gullible husband got mixed up in hinky, and that part isn't her doing. But neither was she up front about "spot checks" being a possibility before you went over there, was she? I'd quit because she wasn't up front with me.

Or was this a surprise to her too? He didn't tell her this would be happening as part of his legal stuff?

If you choose to keep trying to date her? You could see her elsewhere and not go to the family home any more. A very separate V. And deal with the price of admission -- having to deal with any issues that might come your way from "guilt by association."

If you rather not deal in that? Could choose to view it more like "bullet dodged" or "nip in bud" and stop dating her. You aren't obligated to stick around in things that make you uncomfortable.

I don't get the "punishment" thing. You aren't trying to be mean or punish her.

You are just trying to keep YOUR own nose clean and stay out of problems.

Galagirl
i agree, even if he withheld that information that random spot checks of their home are terms of his supervision the fact that he is on that level of a Sh** list and his wife and children are subject to it as well is a warning shot across the bow. I’m in no position to judge him how he’s ended up in that situation, it’s not the first time I’ve heard of someone pretending to be someone they aren’t . Even I’ve gotten messages on dating profiles soon as you look at their profile and pictures the red flags go way up , for some people they don’t notice those red flags until it’s too late and that’s a real shame their are women out there doing that for whatever reason they fell they need to but regardless

I have my own LEGAL kinks that don’t need to be exposed by just not erring on the side of caution and removing myself from the whole picture . I care about her , I have feelings for her but it’s a can of worms in not willing to open up for myself even if being a single male in the Bible Belt has made the journey to find a partner difficult. Since I’m not a Unicorn my odds are slimmer . It’s not wise to stay in a “take what you can get” situation faced with that information
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi MtnPolyLoversX2,

It doesn't sound like her husband did anything maliciously, but he got himself in some legal trouble chatting with a woman who was perhaps an undercover cop? or someone who snitched on him? and I don't think you are trying to punish anyone, you just don't want to get mixed up in a legal quagmire which is understandable. With the hostile random home visits, do you think she would be willing to visit you at your place, rather than you visiting her at her (and her husband's) place? Surely she could understand why you wouldn't want to visit her at her place. As for breaking up with her entirely, that is a valid option for you under the circumstances. Again, not trying to punish her, just trying to keep yourself out of hot water. It's just a question of whether you can find a new partner, not so easy as a single male in the Bible Belt, but you have to weigh that against the legal trouble you could get into. As his wife, she could be held guilty by association. You are in a tight spot, I don't envy you.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

Inaniel

Active member
I have my own LEGAL kinks that don’t need to be exposed by just not erring on the side of caution and removing myself from the whole picture . I care about her , I have feelings for her but it’s a can of worms in not willing to open up for myself even if being a single male in the Bible Belt has made the journey to find a partner difficult. Since I’m not a Unicorn my odds are slimmer . It’s not wise to stay in a “take what you can get” situation faced with that information

I get what you are saying and I don’t subscribe to the idea of referring to this as “punishing her” as you described in the original post.

You are not punishing someone for looking out for your own interests, that’s just guilt, and guilt doesn’t serve you. We all have our limits. I can think of a handful of things I wouldn’t tolerate from a meta just off the top of my head. I would encourage you to do what’s best for yourself and make no compromises when “legal kinks” are on the line.
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
Hi MtnPolyLoversX2,

It doesn't sound like her husband did anything maliciously, but he got himself in some legal trouble chatting with a woman who was perhaps an undercover cop? or someone who snitched on him? and I don't think you are trying to punish anyone, you just don't want to get mixed up in a legal quagmire which is understandable. With the hostile random home visits, do you think she would be willing to visit you at your place, rather than you visiting her at her (and her husband's) place? Surely she could understand why you wouldn't want to visit her at her place. As for breaking up with her entirely, that is a valid option for you under the circumstances. Again, not trying to punish her, just trying to keep yourself out of hot water. It's just a question of whether you can find a new partner, not so easy as a single male in the Bible Belt, but you have to weigh that against the legal trouble you could get into. As his wife, she could be held guilty by association. You are in a tight spot, I don't envy you.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Unfortunately this is just too uncomfortable of a situation to stay involved with and she is very understanding of it . I don’t envy her either . 16 years of marriage and honestly wha to could consider a easy mistake, their are still people that aren’t adapt in the fact of social media , dating apps etc that their are people that pretend to be someone they are not and he just didn’t notice the red flags especially in this lifestyle, heck I know a few people that don’t have any sort of social media or even a smart phone but I’m sure like a lot of us he tried the dating app route , seen a pretty face that showed interest in him and the rest was history as they say . I’ve seen my fair share of Red flag profiles soon as you look at it the first thing I see is No way she’s 21 or even a real person (bot)

I guess it’s back to “Sorry but No Men, Bi women and couples only” . I’ll still continue a friendship with her but it’s best to remove myself from being too close to the fire as they say
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
I get what you are saying and I don’t subscribe to the idea of referring to this as “punishing her” as you described in the original post.

You are not punishing someone for looking out for your own interests, that’s just guilt, and guilt doesn’t serve you. We all have our limits. I can think of a handful of things I wouldn’t tolerate from a meta just off the top of my head. I would encourage you to do what’s best for yourself and make no compromises when “legal kinks” are on the line.
It’s unfortunate a rough situation all around for everyone. Ask anyone vanilla what the dating world is like and how cautious you have to be about who you’re talking to or going to meet up with if you’re lucky enough to find someone willing to meet , throw in the Poly lifestyle or even Swinging and now you have to be even more on your toes . . It seems unless you’re a Unicorn / Ethical Slut and you have couples throwing themselves at you as a male I can see how easy it would be to fall into the “take what you can get” trap l. I’m still surprised that in a society where more couples are going the way of Non Monogamous relationships Single men are still looked down on, in some cases a “bargaining chip” that the male partner “allows” in better hopes of a Hot Bi MFF relationship
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Good for you. Sticking to your guns.

Sorry about that baby with the bathwater.
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
Good for you. Sticking to your guns.

Sorry about that baby with the bathwater.
I think their are a lot of men that would of stayed in that situation just to avoid going back to having to “play the game” again but this was a good teachable moment about following your gut instincts regardless how to finding the Needle in the haystack couple
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Better you make the decision early, before you actually loved her!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Unfortunately this is just too uncomfortable of a situation to stay involved with and she is very understanding of it . I don’t envy her either . 16 years of marriage and honestly wha to could consider a easy mistake, their are still people that aren’t adapt in the fact of social media , dating apps etc that their are people that pretend to be someone they are not and he just didn’t notice the red flags especially in this lifestyle, heck I know a few people that don’t have any sort of social media or even a smart phone but I’m sure like a lot of us he tried the dating app route , seen a pretty face that showed interest in him and the rest was history as they say . I’ve seen my fair share of Red flag profiles soon as you look at it the first thing I see is No way she’s 21 or even a real person (bot)

I guess it’s back to “Sorry but No Men, Bi women and couples only” . I’ll still continue a friendship with her but it’s best to remove myself from being too close to the fire as they say
I am confused. Your profile is of a man. Are you a man? If so, why would you want to date bi women (or couples) only?

So anyway, whether you are male, female or another gender, it sounds like your gf's husband mistakenly was chatting with an underage girl, who fooled him into thinking she was of age. Somehow this was found out by the police, and now the husband is on probation, and some organization is doing random checks of his home to make sure he isn't doing anything illegal? Maybe it's DSS, to make sure his kids are safe.

We can assume this was just an honest mistake, I suppose. If that's all it was, and this couple actually is ethically-non-monogamous, certainly your gf did nothing wrong. But if there are stressful legal issues going on, you could take the relationship down a notch and just occasionally check in to see how she's doing, if you care at all. It sounds like she could use a friend.
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
I am confused. Your profile is of a man. Are you a man? If so, why would you want to date bi women (or couples) only?

So anyway, whether you are male, female or another gender, it sounds like your gf's husband mistakenly was chatting with an underage girl, who fooled him into thinking she was of age. Somehow this was found out by the police, and now the husband is on probation, and some organization is doing random checks of his home to make sure he isn't doing anything illegal? Maybe it's DSS, to make sure his kids are safe.

We can assume this was just an honest mistake, I suppose. If that's all it was, and this couple actually is ethically-non-monogamous, certainly your gf did nothing wrong. But if there are stressful legal issues going on, you could take the relationship down a notch and just occasionally check in to see how she's doing, if you care at all. It sounds like she could use a friend.
I’m sorry if I worded some of that completely wrong . I meant the No men, Bi women couples part as context of what a single male has to deal with when it comes to finding a partner . As for the husband like I said before it can be a easy mistake to fall into taking to the wrong person , we are still communicating I think it’s just the initial shock of it all her telling me the police came and did a random search part of his supervision . I can only imagine the embarrassment of it all to hun and his family
 

Inaniel

Active member
I am not sure I understand the assumption of innocence for a registered pedophile…

This couple could be telling you stories man…
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
I am not sure I understand the assumption of innocence for a registered pedophile…

This couple could be telling you stories man…
Not my place to judge him on what happened. I’m looking out for myself and not being comfortable in that situation anymore. Their are plenty of situations out there where the women lied about their age so it’s not unheard of but in this case I heard enough of what was going on to check myself out
 
I meant the No men, Bi women couples part as context of what a single male has to deal with when it comes to finding a partner .
Oh man, how many times I've explained this to my "gf" and her husband. It is one of the few things where I do not mind raising my voice via text out of frustration.

"We just don't get it, we got 900 requests on an app. You're handsome and successful, just try." I just feel like standing there being like... are you serious?

They have to deal with creeps and the like, I get it, and it isn't a competition - but as my old professor used to say "the market forces aren't in your favor" when you're a single guy. Then add in whatever they are looking for on top of attraction, and it is a grind. So kudos to you for your decision and best of luck.
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
Oh man, how many times I've explained this to my "gf" and her husband. It is one of the few things where I do not mind raising my voice via text out of frustration.

"We just don't get it, we got 900 requests on an app. You're handsome and successful, just try." I just feel like standing there being like... are you serious?

They have to deal with creeps and the like, I get it, and it isn't a competition - but as my old professor used to say "the market forces aren't in your favor" when you're a single guy. Then add in whatever they are looking for on top of attraction, and it is a grind. So kudos to you for your decision and best of luck.
I’ve said it before , it’s a shame how more and more couples are going to Non Monogamous relationships , single men are still looked down on . I get it too I’ve heard the horror stories plenty of times from single women and couples . They meet someone like me and it’s like … I wish we met you sooner but we just can’t trust single men anymore” ouch

it’s a uphill battle I’ll continue to climb it though , I’ve tried being monogamous once and it backfired on me , or maybe Karma .. probably Karma… I’ll keep being me

I’ve heard the same lines too from Married Poly friends . You’re attractive, good job, respectful etc . We don’t get why it’s so hard to find a partner. We just got 20 texts before lunch from guys and other couples throwing themselves at us and a occasional woman he sees too 🤷‍♂️
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I’m sorry if I worded some of that completely wrong . I meant the No men, Bi women couples part as context of what a single male has to deal with when it comes to finding a partner.
Oh, you mean you're looking at profiles of swinging couples who want a bi female unicorn to chew on, or to play swap the wifey games with another couple. Well, just stop looking at couples' profiles. You're not bi. You just want a gf who is poly or poly-friendly, right?

If you have any charm or charisma at all you should be able to find a woman or two who aren't pursuing a traditional monogamous "til death do us part," MF, house dog kids picket fence thing. What age group are you looking at? Do you want kids and a long term relationship? Or do you want a lover who is independent yet into some kind of depth in a relationship? Older women who are past breeding age, whose kids are now older/young adults (if she has any) can still be lots of fun and plenty horny and energetic and extremely attractive. If she's divorced because she burnt out on a patriarchal husband who wanted to keep her in her place, she would welcome an egalitarian relationship (like I do!).

I don't mean to downplay dating struggles. Men do have a harder time finding women to date, but while many/most women can find a guy who wants her for a night, finding a guy who wants her long term, but on equal terms, is just as difficult.
 
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