Leaving with someone else

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nycsinger2000

New member
I'm wondering how other couples deal with this. I personalty don't want to feel like I'm not my partners choice if I'm with him. If he enters into a committed relationship with a secondary partner, I do understand that there may be times we'll all need to be at the same place and time but we may not all be able to spend the night together.

However there are situations that have come up where my partner and I would both like to attend an event and he doesn't feel like he should have to agree that we go home together. I think that if we make another connection, there's no reason you can't make plans with that person at another time when you are not together.


We both want to go on this big camping trip but it's a largely poly community. He will not agree to not sleep with someone else during the trip. I would like to go but I don;t want to be around while he's intimate with someone else, nor do I feel comfortable being with someone else while he's around unless we are meeting and hooking up with someone together.

How do other couples deal with this. does the one who has a problem with it, simply not go, or does the one who would rather have more options, compromise? I'm a little disappointed because I'd really like to go on the trip and I feel we should be able to agree that if we make a connection, we connect with them at another time. I've decided not to go because I'm the one who has the issue. I do however feel that this will come up often and I will end up missing out on things I'd like to do.
 
Hi nycsinger2000,

The impression I get (from this thread and other threads) is that your partner doesn't love you as much as you love him. He's never willing to compromise, and every event you go to, he arrives with you but leaves with somebody else. Whereas you are always taking the hit to accomodate his preferences, such as not going on the camping trip. And that doesn't bother him. He's perfectly content to leave you behind.

He definitely wants more freedom, but to me it seems that he also has a certain indifference towards you. He's not that into you. :(

If someone won't change for you, then you either have to love them for who they already are, or cut them loose. Unless you want to take the third option: Stay with them forever while agonizing over their behavior, always hoping they'll change, and trying to get them to change.

Your partner seems to be pretty dead set on his current course of action. I don't think he will budge.

Regretfully,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with Kevin. I also wonder why the hell you got back together with him (you guys did break up for a while, no?) and why the hell you keep referring to him as your partner when it is painfully obvious he is no partner to you and doesn't give a rat's ass about your feelings. You are severely deluding yourself if you think you're going to ever find happiness and satisfaction from this relationship! I think he is selfish and uncaring, and just uses you when he feels like it, for threesomes, etc.

Find your backbone, man, and get the hell out!
 
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Your request that your "partner" not sleep with someone else while you both attend the same event seems entirely reasonable to me, especially since you are fine with him reconnecting with whomever he likes a later date.

From this and your previous posts, I agree with the others who've posted here: this guy sounds like he does not take your feelings, wants or needs into account at all. You, meanwhile, are required to bend and bend and bend while he goes about doing as he pleases, even if it hurts you, with no interest in compromise. How much bending can you do before the relationship breaks? Well, I suppose that's up to you. I'd kick his butt to the curb.
 
I appreciate what you all are saying and I understand. Believe me, weather or not He can be a good partner is still something I'm assessing.

I called him my partner BC it's easier than explaining the whole situation again. He has also introduced me to people as his partner a few times. Also we have been talking about getting back together and he does want to make a commitment again but realizes that he still has some growing to do before that can happen.

He's not as sex crazed as it may sound from my posts. He is intimate with me more than anyone and doesn't seem to branch out often. He doesn't regularly hook up and prefers to have an emotional connection with someone he's intimate with. I've had more one night stands than him. We spend 3-4 nights a week together and a threesome has only happened twice with the same person.

I guess the main reason I asked this question was to see if it's normal for poly couples to separate and go off with someone else while they're somewhere together and how most couples feel about it. I know that some of our friends do this.

The history between us is rough. He was young when we met and still is. He felt extremely trapped in our monogamous relationship and still needs time to fully get past that. I also need to continue learning to let go of feeling like he belongs to me. He has been learning to make sacrifices, be honest and communicate with me... He still has a way to go but he is really trying. I know he loves me. I put him through a lot with my anxiety and it would be a lot easier on him to end this if he didn't love me. I also need to continue to not make myself as available and I've started dating again.

He has been a part of the community for a lot longer than me and this is the first outing like this he's attending. He told me he likely won't be hooking up with anyone and I could go if I want to. He doesn't want to stay in the same cabin because he feels like he may feel reverted back to when we were living together and feel like he has to spend all his time with me . He wants to be able to experience this with his friends, without rules. If something happens he doesn't want to have to feel bad about it. There's a very spiritual element to this trip and he feels like he wants to be allowed to experience whatever may happen in the moment. I'm probably the one who's asking for too much too soon. I could go. I just know I'm not ready to not have a promise that we'll be cuddling together every night. He may want to just fall asleep in a cuddle with some of his friends without feeling like he can't have a relationship with them that isn't about us as a couple but is about him as an individual. I'd like to go, I'd like to spend time with new friends and experience beautiful things with them. For me, sex is unlikely to be a part of that and if the possibility occurs I know I'd rather be with him or have him involved. He isn't ready to feel like he has to say no to something if he wants to share a moment with someone. There will also be someone there he's interested in romantically and he may want to experience the trip with her and not hurt my feelings.
 
You used the word "couple" way too many times. It sounds more like you want to be in a couple who plays around occasionally. That's not really poly.

In answer to your question, it depends on what we establish as ground rules. I've gone to functions with a partner knowing we weren't going home together. We've also gone out knowing we would go home together. The thing is we are all on the same page. You and your ex are not.
 
I'm not exactly sure what the word couple means to you, to me it's another way of describing 2 people in a committed relationship... By committed I mean being committed to doing what it takes to be stay together and in love. It doesn't mean a monogamous commitment or that I expect to be the only person he is coupled with. I would not prefer to be a couple that fools around. My preference would be to be monogamous. However there is a difference between preference and what you can learn to be comfortable with because it's simply a part of the person you love. I don't like going to bed early. However if I loved someone who was not a night owl I'd learn to go to bed earlier on occasion, as long as he compromised and stayed up late with me on occasion. I don't need non monogamy but I also don't need monogamy, it's just easier. I am beginning to see how it could benefit me If I fall in love with someone else then I'll have more than one partner. However right now we are both only in love with each other. We are getting on the same page. He simply falls in love easier than I do. I have made a few connections where I could see the possibility of a relationship, however it hasn't worked out for various reasons ( distance, being newly out of a relationship etc). I have not decided yet one way or another if this is right for me. I am testing out the waters and so is he.
 
You are just making excuses for him and do not seem to want to accept that you and he are a mismatch. This is a clear case of incompatibility and you are twisting yourself into something you are not in order to try and make your situation work -- even though it is very obviously unworkable.

Nobody said this guy is sex-crazed. It's perfectly fine that he wants what he wants. It's perfectly fine that you want what you want. The issue is that you both want two different things. It's a square peg, round hole kind of thing you are doing to try and accommodate him.

And no, a couple that "just fools around" sexually on the side with other people isn't really polyamory.

Anyway, you seem to think that loving each other is a good enough reason to constantly subject yourself to this torment. I wonder if you are confusing certain signs of affection for love, because his behavior and treatment of you do not sound very loving at all. For your part, you know, loving someone is never enough of a reason to stick around in a situation that doesn't give you the basics of feeling respected, valued, safe, free to be who you are, and heard. Most people have loved someone who isn't good for us. Sticking it out in a crappy relationship isn't noble; it's self-punishing and unnecessary.
 
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Sorry but you don't know us. I wasn't asking for lectures about weather or not I'm lying to myself about us being able to make this work. I already get enough of that from my friends. I'm well aware that he may never be able to treat me the way I treat him but I'm willing to give it time. I was asking for support, understanding and help with how to handle a particular situation. I have s mother, I have a therapist and I have friends. Thank you but I'll let time and my own mind decide weather orbnotbibwabtbto continue this relationship
 
I tend to talk through events with my partners. One of my partners is a little more on the attached/fear of abandonment side of things. When he and I do group events with other friends and lovers we sit down and talk about what feels safe for him. To be honest sometimes his needs in these situations bum me out. We went on a camping weekend with someone I just started dating and a bunch of friends my partner asked that I not disappear with my new date to make out with him or have sex with him. I agreed. Did I want to go make out with this guy? very much so. But I remind myself that I get to do lots of fun things, this isn't the only camping trip and I will have time with this person in the future.

My partner does a lot of work to support me and give my other relationships space and it isn't always easy for him. So I work hard to take care of him when he lets me know a situation is going to be hard. We both understand that we are working with love and respect for each other.

But that does mean I sometimes wish he wasn't going to an event or outing because I have to keep a part of my mind on caring for him, I need to check up on him and make sure he is getting enough attention and that can add stress... and when I put that kind of effort in and he still doesn't have a good time or doesn't feel like it was "enough" I can get resentful. So we have to talk through big events a lot. I try to be honest with how much energy I have to give and he tries to be honest about how much he needs and we figure out together if it's a good event or us to do together or not.

We've been together coming up on 11 years, we live together in our triad, we were both poly when we met, we both have long term committed romantic and sexual relationships outside of each other AND negotiating this stuff can STILL be prickly.
 
I haven't been in the situation that you've mentioned. When Blue & I travel together...we're together. I have, however, stayed in a room with Blue & a metamore (who later became my gf, too.) And, I have spent time with Blue and another gf and then had Blue go home with the gf while I went home alone (more than once.) It did feel awkward at first, and I did have some issues with envy and insecurity. But, for me, it got easier with time. And, of course, it helped that Blue was equally attentive and affectionate to both of us :)

If you really want to try to make this relationship work, my suggestion would be to gradually desensitize yourself. I'd start with shorter group outings where you're both going as singles (not with other dates) and where you have the ability to leave if you're too uncomfortable. I would NOT make the first such outing one where he'd previously agreed to be your date but then changed his mind OR an overnight/multiple day outing. Start small! Think a dinner or cocktail social hour type thing...something with a finite amount of time.
 
We both want to go on this big camping trip but it's a largely poly community. He will not agree to not sleep with someone else during the trip. I would like to go but I don;t want to be around while he's intimate with someone else, nor do I feel comfortable being with someone else while he's around unless we are meeting and hooking up with someone together.
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Are you sharing a tent? Simplest solution to me is to NOT go as each other's date. And each one gets their own campsite with their own tent that are far apart and not like "next door tent."

Then you each do as you please there. Hook up with other people or don't hook up -- you both have privacy and freedom TO do as you please, and freedom FROM hearing any uncomfortable sounds next door.

I feel we should be able to agree that if we make a connection, we connect with them at another time.
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You asked him. He does not agree to your suggestion. He can do that when you ask him things. He is can say "Yes" or "No." Just like you can say "Yes" or "No" when he asks you things.

I see that you are disappointed with his answer, but he has the right to answer how he wants.

I've decided not to go because I'm the one who has the issue.
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Then don't go on this trip. Let it go.

I do however feel that this will come up often and I will end up missing out on things I'd like to do.
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I don't know how much of a time frame you have in mind while you continue to assess if dating him is still worthwhile or not. When is the final decision?

But for now? So you are not missing all the poly events in your area? And if separate tents is not enough separateness? Ask if he is willing to take turns. He goes to Big Camping this summer, and you stay home. And you to to Big Camping in fall and he stays home.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for this. This was helpful advice without judgement which is what I was looking for. It's encouraging to hear you say that when you and your partner travel together you are together. I don't feel unreasonable in wanting that and if we do end up establishing a commitment again, I may ask him for that

I've come to accept that he wants to pursue intimate relationships with other people. I've become comfortable with the idea of meeting someone he becomes seriously involved with. I'm not comfortable with him choosing someone else when we are in the same place because at this time, he's still my first choice. There's a reason we don't live together.

We're at a very in-between stage right now. I'm trying to decide if I can be happy without monogamy and he's trying to decide if he'll always want Non monogamy. We can't figure these things out without attempting it. The one thing we both know is that we don't want to be without each other.

Monogamy has been my nature, but since we've started seeing each other I've become more comfortable with things I never thought I could be. I can see the possibility of embracing polyamory completely someday but I've spent most of my life as a monogamous person. This is not an easy path but when you truly love someone you don't just give up, or at least I don't. I feel slightly judged by some people but I guess it's difficult for others to understand me including the guy I'm with. For those of you who offered helpful suggestions rather than judgements I truly appreciate it.
 
This seems to be about more than just monogamy vs non-monogamy, but also about hierarchy. You are speaking as if every time you are both at the same event, it must mean that you are there together, and that being there together means that you must always be first. He may be your "primary" consideration, but that doesn't mean that he considers you his "primary." He may be more interested in non-hierarchy where all people he is interested in are equal and he doesn't have to play favorites.

I also second GalaGirl's questions about what is actually being shared (tent, etc) at this event. If you two travel there separately and planned to stay in different spaces (which is what it sounds like he seems to want to do) then why do you think you're there TOGETHER? Why are you not just both occupying the same space? I have gone to events and things with my partner and his other partner (sometimes with her other partners and sometimes not) and there isn't an expectation that we've paired off. Both of his partners are present, he's with both.

When we attend poly meet-ups and social gatherings, we do generally go "together" because we're both shy in large groups where we know very few of the people, but we're there to socialize and hey, maybe even flirt, etc. If he strikes it up with someone else and wants to flirt, I'm ok with that. If he wanted to leave with someone else I'd probably want to have a conversation about it, but honestly, that's probably only because when we go to those social events he's usually planning on already spending the night at my place (he lives with his other partner).

Bottom line, there's no rule that says if you go to something together that you HAVE to go home together or stay together. It's all about what you guys agree to as a couple. But also, you also need to be on the same page about what constitutes "together" vs just both being interested in attending the same event.
 
I think the reason you were catching some judgy vibes (and I'm sorry it came off this way)...

- Most who interact in poly communities online or in person have seen lots of pairings where one partner is reluctantly poly and struggles with the partner who wants to do poly. Tries to accept it just to continue to have a position in poly partner's life, but kind of hopes one day poly partner will stop doing this and belong to them, because poly...isn't really actually their thing.

It's a tough position to be in. And the partner who tells themselves and the world, "They are worth it. I can deal with this." often eventually decides that they actually...can't. Especially if there are other problems like poly partner just not feeling as intense a connection to mono partner and looking elsewhere due to lukewarm feels. Or poly partner just transitions out while mono partner tries to hold on...but can't. It happens a lot. I'm sorry. Maybe it won't happen to you; no one here is clairvoyant.

-I get the vibe from some of your posts that what you would like, is for other posters to validate and agree that you are entitled to expect the treatment you want to receive from your partner, and that you are generous in having bent as far as you already have. That the question is being put forth into the cosmos, "Is it really too much to ask that he _________?"

And you are being told the truth here, that the negotiation is between you and partner, not between your arbitrary sense of what is fair, and some great cosmic truth about what is fair, in relationships. He might never ever agree to meet you in any place that gives you comfort and security and happiness. And you'll have to decide if what he does provide to your life is worth it, lacking those things, or not.

I understand this very well, because I have wanted more than a man wanted to give me, and desired and adored him so much I bent and bent and let his indifferent behavior cause me confusion, insecurity, and heartache. Told myself to cut him out of my life, that it was for the best, and tried to forget him, but could not. I've got the feels. But ultimately that is MY PROBLEM. Not his problem. He doesn't have to do anything. He's not a bad person for wanting what he wants, even if that is nothing at all. So. The truth as I presently understand it on our negotiation table, is that I must keep my investment of emotion and desire off of him and out of his hands. If he invites me to share a visit and sex, then I will have to decide, if I can enjoy that for the simple pleasure of casual play, or if the risk is too high. My choice. I don't get to feel entitled to anything more from him.

Because it really doesn't matter how much you believe that you are entitled to in a relationship with another person. They can simply not give it to you. And throwing your personal emotional currency at them in the belief that they'll be required to repay it, is both delusional and unproductive.

Best of luck.
 
Hi nycsinger2000,

Sorry if my initial post was presumptuous or judgmental. I reckon that the thing for you to do right now is to try to accept your partner for who he is and not try to change him. This may sound impossible to do, but I think it is possible. But it may take some time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
nycindie said:
Anyway, you seem to think that loving each other is a good enough reason to constantly subject yourself to this torment. I wonder if you are confusing certain signs of affection for love, because his behavior and treatment of you do not sound very loving at all. For your part, you know, loving someone is never enough of a reason to stick around in a situation that doesn't give you the basics of feeling respected, valued, safe, free to be who you are, and heard. Most people have loved someone who isn't good for us. Sticking it out in a crappy relationship isn't noble; it's self-punishing and unnecessary.
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This.

I know I would be upset if my partner wasn't willing to compromise with me. But it sounds like both of you are compromising to a point of it being self damaging. Which isn't good for either of you
 
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I had similar discussions with my ex, Whip. We would go to events or parties where we wouldn't spend much time together but essentially socialized separately. However, we did always end up going home together.

I'm pretty independent and it initially didn't bother me that I was basically on my own at parties we went to together. Eventually I started feeling not as connected with him at parties (and ultimately with him at all but that's a longer story.) It turned out we had very different ideas about what intimacy was. (I define intimacy as feeling connected and open to a partner. For me, it has physical, sexual, emotional, mental, spiritual aspects for me but not everyone experiences intimacy this way.) I need to spend time with a partner to feel intimately connected. And I unconsciously assumed that part of that time was at events we attended together. He thought of intimacy as entirely physical, as touch and sex. I thought of parties as places we spent time together, socializing with others. He thought of parties as places to meet other people he could interact with physically, either at the party or perhaps another time/place. We were already physically intimate so interacting with me at events was not a priority. In fact, if he didn't socialize with fairly large numbers of people at a party, he considered it not a good time. I was fine focusing on socializing with a few people at the event. I didn't need to talk to everyone to feel like I had fun. I'm poly, I didn't mind him wanting to find other people to interact with. I also flirted at these parties and occasionally meet people I was interested in. And neither of us were wrong about how we experience and need to express and receive intimacy. We were just very different in this aspect of relationships. (It's similar, and related, to the five love languages concept. It can be a very illuminating question to ask a partner how they experience intimacy.)

So while we did go home together, the experience was never as connecting as I would have wanted. Whip just wasn't capable of that - and he's not a bad guy for that. We were headed for breaking up anyway but having that conversation about how we thought of intimacy, and what we needed to feel intimate with someone else really cleared up that we were not on the same page at all in many ways. And that we could not offer each other what we each needed to feel connected.

So now I know that if I go to an event with a partner, I know I think of that time as 'us time'. I don't expect to spend all of my time at my partner's side, nor do I expect that of them. Tied at the hip is not required! But it would bother me immensely if we went to an event together and they left to go home with someone else. I would perceive that as disrespecting our mutual time together.

I would be not upset if we attended the same event but not 'together'. If I don't perceive a set time as 'our time', then I am not possessive about it. If they left with someone else, it would not bother me - after all, we weren't 'together' at that event and they were free to do as they liked. Now I might experience some feelings of jealousy, that I wasn't getting their attention or time, but that would pass.

Now if a partner and I were going to a longer term event, like a camping trip or a kink convention, we would have to discuss which was 'couple time' and which was on our own time. I think if we had set out some agreements about this, and my need for time was met, and their needs as well, then I would be ok with a partner going off with someone else for a while.

I do know that I am not a good match for someone who needs spontaneity all the time, who does not want to nail down plans and stick to them, who wants to be able to do whatever they want in any given moment. There's nothing wrong with that style but it's incompatible with me. I need to be with people who can schedule time for me, who prioritize that time with me as important and who don't flake out on me. I need to be with people who understand that spending time together is essential for me and is an absolute need. I don't need all of their time but I do need some of it, regularly.

So I wonder if you and your partner experience intimacy differently and have different expectations about time spent together. I know much of my thoughts about this topic were largely unconscious during my relationship with Whip. It was only at the end of the relationship that I started to examine some of my assumptions about time spent together. It might be good to think deeply about your assumptions about how things are.

I also wonder if you two have very different ideas of how poly and being in a relationship 'should be'. Again, those expectations are not wrong but they may not be a good fit between two people either.
 
I agree with opalescent, you should check with your partner and see if he has a different idea of what a relationship should look like.
 
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